Through The Woods

by Shannon Myers

  Vic enlisted in the Army and leaves in a few days for basic. Billy and Rocky gave him shit for not joining the Marines like them, but I’m proud of him. He’s getting out of this hell-hole. The club threw the obligatory farewell party with booze and club whores, but I didn’t feel much like celebrating. He caught me outside and asked if I thought it was strange that the only way out of the club is through battle.

  I’d never considered it before, but he’s right. We were born into this and it was always assumed that we’d take after our old men and slip on the kuttes at eighteen. I don’t want this to be my life and I sure as hell don’t want this life for her.

  Things have grown even more strained between us since Bobby left last year. She seemed to be better for a little while, but then he got deployed over to Afghanistan and she fell apart. I’d hoped that his absence would bring us closer, but she’s changed. Luck says it’s because she’s a woman and women are notoriously flighty with their emotions.

  I can’t help but think that there’s more to it than that.

  Mac came back to visit his ma and offered me a job as a mechanic in his shop down in Denver. The club allowed him to leave under the terms that he help them transport whenever needed. It was a good arrangement for him—he got his freedom and the club financed his shop. Well, that and his drinking habit.

  I took her out on my bike and we headed to the river where I tried and failed to convince her to leave Kasselhessen behind.

  “It’s the only home I’ve ever known! What if he comes back for me and I’m not here?”

  I’d gotten furious with her and said things that I wish I could take back. Told her that Bobby was some silly crush that she’d forget all about soon enough.

  She’d laughed and said, “Everyone knows that if a crush lasts longer than four months, it’s love. I love him—and I know this hurts you, but I can’t turn it off to make you happy.”

  I can’t leave without her and if she’s refusing to go—well, I’ll be stuck in Kasselhessen until the day I die.

  I’d left the journal in his nightstand, but could still clearly see the sloped letters of his words as I lay in bed that night. My dreams had been nothing short of a disjointed nightmare. In it, Charm had navigated the winding roads easily, leaning one way and then the other as we rounded the curves. It was exhilarating. The wind whipped across us, tossing my long hair up around the helmet as I’d kept my arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

  My thighs had clenched around him with every curve we took, the bike vibrating beneath us. I remembered that even in my dream, he smelled like leather and smoke.

  He’d taken me down to the riverside and asked me to run away with him. Unlike her, I’d immediately agreed. It would’ve been okay had that been the extent of it, but just as he leaned in to kiss me, Clint broke through the trees and Charm pulled away.

  “You love him?”

  I told him I didn’t, but he hadn’t listened. He just got up and stalked away, leaving me with the man who wanted me dead. The whole thing made me question my feelings. I’d woken early to watch the sun rise and when he didn’t show, I felt let down.

  My heart had started pounding when he walked into the kitchen at dinner time that next night. Lust, an emotion I hadn’t experienced in quite a while, reared its head. Suddenly, he was all I thought about. I tried to tell myself that my brain was just reprocessing the day’s events and that it meant nothing, yet the feelings persisted.

  If that wasn’t a clear indicator of just how messed up in the head I was, then I didn’t know what was. I was attracted to a man who had, at the least, shown indifference toward me.

  At most, he’d—well, he’d bought me books based on what I told him I liked. I consoled myself with the knowledge that if the mysterious she was right; the feelings would fade over the next four months. This was nothing but a silly crush.

  In the meantime, here I was, nothing but sweaty palms and a racing heart anytime he showed up. It didn’t help that he now had me doing the laundry as well. Knowing what he was wearing underneath those jeans wasn’t helping my situation. I had to stick to the plan of making him my friend, while keeping my adolescent feelings under lock and key.

  I clicked a button on another illustration and the printer immediately fired up. It had taken a little over a week for Doc to get me everything I needed and another week to find the illustrations I wanted to use. I couldn’t wait to see the look on Joker’s face when he saw them.

  While I was online I’d done a quick search of my name, but unsurprisingly, nothing turned up. No missing person’s reports had been filed because I never went any place enough for anyone to notice my absence.

  I put the papers into a small stack and carried them downstairs. After some digging and a little cursing, I found a roll of scotch tape in one of the kitchen drawers.

  I took my time and had just finished hanging the last one when the back door opened.

  “Darlin’, did we miss arts and crafts time?” Rooster squeezed my shoulder as he looked around the lodge.

  I grinned. “Do you like it? Now everyone can learn what Joker’s signing.”

  He pursed his lips just as Gunner came through the door. “Good God, what happened here?”

  “Neve here was just learnin’ us some sign language, Gunner.”

  I nodded at Rooster and turned my smile on Gunner. As usual, he didn’t return it.

  “Charm’s gonna have your ass over this one.”

  I exhaled slowly and began walking toward the kitchen. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Gunner. I can always count on your cheery disposition in my time of need.”

  “Fuck off, Neve.” He clipped out before stomping up the stairs.

  Well, there was the one biker who would not be getting a friendship bracelet from me in this lifetime.

  I pulled the ingredients I needed for dinner from the fridge; cooking wasn’t an intimidating task anymore. I’d just make a menu ahead of time and one of the bikers would go get everything I needed. At some point, maybe they’d even consider letting me do the weekly shopping.

  I’d been here six weeks and was slowly finding my groove. I’d wake up and watch the sunrise. Sometimes, Twitch was there and sometimes, it was just me. Charm hadn’t shown up since the morning I hit him with the flashlight. Then, I’d work my way through the lodge, cleaning and starting laundry. Either the rooms were starting to improve or the guys didn’t have enough time to destroy them. I didn’t care—it left me with more free time in the afternoons; time that I’d spent reading the journal.

  Doc rounded the corner, clutching his face, and headed straight for the freezer. He grabbed an ice pack and held it up to an eye that was almost swollen shut.

  “Doc? What the hell happened?” I tried to grab his arm, but he moved out of reach.

  “Club business.”

  I was quickly growing tired of those two words. As if that answered all my questions. Rooster raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say a word.

  I’d just picked up a cutting board when the front door slammed shut and loud footsteps stomped up the stairs.

  “Let me guess—club business?”

  Rooster chuckled and pulled a beer from the fridge. “You know I’m not saying one way or another, Darlin’—but you might wanna stay down here for a bit.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Arms circled my waist as I placed the hot casserole on the stovetop and for a nanosecond, I imagined that it was Charm, turning my insides turned to mush. Thankfully, the rational side of my brain kicked in to inform me that I was an idiot.

  I slowly turned around to face Joker. His eyes were shiny, as if he was about to cry, and he pointed at the various signs on the wall. He touched his chin and then the palm of his other hand.

  Thank you.

  I smiled. I knew he’d love it. “You’re welcome—ahh!” He picked me up and spun me around in a circle, before gently setting me back down and checking me over.

  “I’m fine. I’m fine. You just surprised
me.”

  The look on his face—I hoped that I never forgot it. I thought only children were capable of expressions like that. Joy and innocence. I imagined that he’d always looked like this and it wasn’t hard to see why his friends had risked their own wellbeing to help him.

  The journal hadn’t mentioned what had become of his father, but any other references to Matt were generally positive, given the circumstances. That was the thing about reading Charm’s writings—he was always so quick to help his friends, often sacrificing his own happiness in the process. It said a lot about his character and made those lustful thoughts I had that much more difficult to get rid of.

  “Neve!” Charm growled and I jumped out of Joker’s arms guiltily. He followed me out of the kitchen and into the dining room where Charm was scowling at the signs on the walls. “What the hell is this?”

  There are points in space with so much gravity, that not even light can escape. They’re known as black holes.

  I would know—I was staring directly into one.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I—I just thought it would be good for everyone to learn sign language.” I pointed to Joker. “That way we can communicate with him, um, better.”

  Gunner leaned over the railing upstairs, a grin on his face.

  Jerk.

  He was probably the one who told on me.

  Charm sat down at the head of the table and leaned back, one leg casually crossed over the other. His hands rested on his thighs, making it impossible to determine if he was upset or getting ready for a power nap. “Neve, look around. This look like a fuckin’ elementary school to you? You gonna get a blackboard next? Post the damn alphabet up on the ceiling? Maybe the lyrics to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?”

  I clenched my hands into fists and almost smiled as I did it. He’d done it. The bastard had cured me of my little infatuation. In fact, I could picture myself calmly walking back into the kitchen and picking up the butcher knife I’d used to chop vegetables. I could even see myself plunging it into his chest while reciting nursery rhymes.

  And if ever there was a case where the left and right hemispheres of the brain could function independently of the other, Charm was it. What other explanation was there? He was so absolutely perfect at times that he melted my heart, but before I could get used to it, the cold exterior was back.

  The man was a walking contradiction.

  I opened and closed my mouth several times, while my brain worked to get my thoughts in order. “Noted, you friggin’ black hole,” I bit out before walking out the back door and slamming it shut behind me.

  I walked until I came to the ledge and then I did the only thing I could, given the situation. I screamed until my throat was raw, before sinking down onto the smooth rock in tears.

  Damn him and his black hole tendencies.

  Damn the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde act.

  “You alright, Neve?” I spun around and Guardrail took a hesitant step backward; he’d probably been warned about my fighting skills. It was humorous to see such an intimidating man frightened by someone like me.

  He had to have been six and a half feet tall with jet black hair that fell past his gauged ears. His beard was so long that it rested on the collar of his cut-off. He was built like a bear—in fact, I wouldn’t have been a bit surprised to find out that he killed small woodland creatures with his hands. He was older than the other guys and acted as the voice of reason; well, when he was sober anyway.

  I waved him off before turning back around. “I’m good. Go on in and eat. I just need a minute.”

  “He means well—it’s not easy being the Prez. Definitely not a job I’d want.” He came closer to me and sat down. “Luck wasn’t exactly the easiest person to get along with and this club is nothing like what it was when he ran things.”

  Boy, was that the understatement of the year.

  I somehow managed to keep a poker face. “Oh, so Luck was a better Prez?”

  He shook his head. “Not even close. My mama taught me not to speak ill of the dead, but I think I speak for almost everyone here when I say that not many tears were shed when he went to ground.”

  Went to ground…as in killed?

  We watched the sky grow dark as we sat in silence. “So, Charm took over then?”

  Guardrail nodded. “He took over, tried to turn the club around—we lost seventy-five percent of our members. A lot of men liked the club the way it was before—so they left, joined up with other chapters.”

  It made sense. I wasn’t entirely familiar with MCs; my only knowledge was based on television shows and brief interactions through Clint—but even I knew that this was the cleanest group of outlaws in existence.

  “Well, that explains there not being any club whores around. I guess it also explains why I’m not referred to as ‘bitch,’ which I greatly appreciate, by the way.”

  Guardrail closed his eyes and nodded. “He’s got a lot to manage and he’s just doing the best he can to handle it all. The club was on the brink of financial ruin when Luck died. Charm pulled out of some deals, losing allies in the process, just to get the club back on solid ground. It cost him a lot to get us here.”

  I watched the older man, as he sat with his eyes closed, reliving a past I knew little about. “Wanna tell me what really happened to Doc’s eye?”

  He eyed me warily. “Not especially. I like my teeth in my mouth, thank you very much. All you need to know is that it’s club business.”

  Of course it was. “Fair enough.”

  The biker patted my leg. “Let’s go in and eat. As much as I’d love to sit out here and shoot the shit, I’m starving and exhausted.”

  I sent him on ahead and stared into the dark for a few minutes longer. Being friends with Charm wouldn’t be easy, but it was necessary to ensure that I got to stay. I also knew a little about what it was like to have the world resting on your shoulders. I’d spent a good portion of my life afraid of letting the people I loved down. So, I’d placed unreal expectations on myself, always needing to be seen as the go-getter.

  Well, I’d gone and gotten myself right into trouble with drugs. And the saddest part was that I hadn’t seen it coming. I’d convinced myself that the work I piled on myself was making me stronger. The truth was that I’d gotten burned out by the time I hit eighteen, but the trap had been set and I’d become too afraid to speak up.

  I needed a long-term plan, but with no identification and no money, there weren’t a lot of opportunities for me. I dusted my pants off and made my way back toward the house.

  “You should do yourself a favor and keep your nose out of club business.”

  My head turned toward the voice. Gunner was leaned up against the side of the lodge, smoking a cigarette. I refused to make eye contact with him and instead focused on the plumes of smoke.

  When I tried to pass by him, he moved in front of the doorway, blocking me. “You hear me, Neve?”

  I nodded. “Got it. Can I go now?”

  Gunner blew smoke right into my eyes and they began watering. “You’re not one of us. You’re nothing but an outsider, and it won’t be long before Prez wises up and sees that. Then, you’ll be right back in the woods where you started.”

  I laughed, even as his words struck terror into my heart. It was the very thing I feared. “Thanks for the pep talk, Grumpy—I mean, Gunner. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got things to do.”

  I bumped him with my shoulder as I went inside, hurting myself a lot more than him in the process. It seemed that everything always hurt me worse in the end.

  When Charm called for church, I snuck past Axel and retrieved the journal before retiring to my room. I’d grown bolder over the last month and had resorted to taking it any chance I got.

  I flipped through it until I found the incident with Luck that Guardrail had been referring to, and once again, I was left with emotions I couldn’t decipher and an ache in my chest that wouldn’t go away. Something awful had happened and it had changed e
verything.

  “You challengin’ me for the throne, Charm?” Luck laughed and spat a mouthful of blood onto the cracked concrete floor, his hands resting lightly on his hips.

  I didn’t answer—just watched as he continued his macho posturing around the room, keeping an eye on his gun with every step.

  “I fuckin’ asked you a question—you really think that you’re capable of running a motherfuckin’ empire? You’re soft…weak. They’ll eat you alive.” He smiled, his teeth stained red with blood, like an unhinged vampire.

  That was what he was, wasn’t he? He’d taken everything that was good and sucked the life right out of it. He could boast about an empire, but he was surrounded by scorched earth and ruins. I knew it. The other bikers knew it. And it wouldn’t be long before our rivals were in on the secret too.

  I had to set things right.

  Two of my brothers stepped in and forced the man to his knees before me. He looked up at them in shock before directing a furious glare back toward me. “Is this because of the drugs? It comes with the territory and there ain’t no way to run this club without ‘em, Charm. It’d bankrupt the entire town. Trust me, I don’t like what happened either, but it’s just the way of things.”

  I clenched my hands into fists, rage slowly taking a stronghold within. I pushed it back down below the surface and bit out, “You’ve done just fine all on your own to destroy the club financially. I’m going to set this right. Now, I asked you a question. Who was behind it?”

  He ground his teeth together before lifting his chin defiantly. “I’ll tell you…when your ass joins me in Hell.”

  I raised the gun with a slight tremor in my hand. I’d killed before, but never once raised a weapon against my Prez. Against my father.

  “This is for her. It’s always been for her…”

  Rae.

  Charm

  She said it quietly, but the words stuck with me.

  A black hole.

  I’d known it was an insult, but had to wait until everyone went to their rooms for the night before I could gauge just how much of one it was. Apparently, she saw me as something that sucked in everything around me, refusing to allow anything to escape.