He laughed until his head fell off his arm and then righted himself. “It doesn’t make sense? Are you fucking kidding me? It’s been you from day one. Everything changed when you showed up.”
I raised a hand to stop him. “He called me a mangy dog. Surely you didn’t forget about that.”
He smiled to himself and closed his eyes. “Oh yeah. You know how some guys are cards and flowers?” I nodded and he continued, “Well, Charm is whiskey and insults.”
I began fumbling with the washcloth in my hand. “I just wanted to return the favor to you guys for helping me, and I wish I could’ve done more. I never meant for any of this to happen.”
His smile faded and he leaned closer. “You say that like you’re not planning on being around tomorrow.”
“Look at me, Doc.” I paused. It was now or never. “How many addicts go the rest of their lives without a relapse? How many live to say they beat it? There’s already been so much loss in this place—I can’t put anyone here through that again. I’m going to be leaving soon, so you’re not reminded of her.”
Doc ran the back of his hand across his eyes, like a toddler fighting sleep. “I wondered how long it was going to take before he opened up to you about her. You’ll never be anything like that, Neve.”
I snorted as a bitter laugh escaped. “Obviously. She got sick—I did too, but in a different way. I couldn’t cope with my life, so I medicated with snow. We couldn’t be more different.”
He propped himself up again and looked me in the eye, all traces of humor gone. “How is it you know so much, but so little? His sister was an addict and there wasn’t a damn thing any of us could do to save her.”
I grabbed Doc’s shoulder and got right in his face. “His sister? I’m talking about the woman from the picture. Who is she?” My voice had taken on that shrill tone that seemed to always accompany hysteria.
Nothing was making sense. It was as if Doc was speaking in riddles.
He shrugged out of my grasp. “The girl from the picture? Do you mean Rae? That’s her. That’s his sister.”
I sucked in a sharp breath. Sister? The entire time it had been his sister? There had never been a twisted love triangle involving Twitch. “He has a sister?”
He nodded. “Had. He had a sister. Their mom abandoned them when Charm was five and Rae was two. Just left them at a grocery store. He tried to look out for her as best he could when Luck moved them from Texas up here. The club was heavy into drugs and it was really only a matter of time before Rae got in deep herself.
“She would try to clean up, but with that bitch heroin living under the same roof, she couldn’t stay away long. When H wasn’t available, she did blow. Luck turned a blind eye to it, but Charm? Charm did everything in his power to sober her up. We’d detox her, but she’d crawl right back to it.”
“That’s why you have the straps downstairs, isn’t it?” The hope that had briefly made an appearance, just as quickly left.
Doc nodded. “Yeah, for all the good it did us. When she fell for another biker, we thought it’d straighten her out, but she just dragged him down with her. Rae got pregnant and said she was gonna quit—told us that he begged her to.” He paused and roughly wiped at his face just as I did the same. Twitch had tried to save her, only to go down himself.
“We found her dead in her room not long after—she’d overdosed on heroin. Twitch attempted suicide three days later—slit his wrists and ended up in a psych ward. I didn’t think he was gonna make it. Hell, there are days that I still don’t.”
Twitch?
The scars.
I brought a hand up to my mouth, trying to muffle my sobs. He’d loved her, but she’d loved drugs more. It could’ve been the story of me and Clint. He’d never cared for me the way he did heroin.
Doc continued, “Hasn’t been right since then. Lost his girl and his baby at once. He was out on a run, so he blamed himself for it happening—thought she would’ve been fine had he stayed back. Rae was always going to do what she wanted though; it wasn’t a question of if she would OD, it was when.”
It made sense; why Twitch had gotten close to me. It was why he’d wanted to hold me the night we got high—because I reminded him of Rae; and in that moment, he had her back, however brief it was. God, he’d even convinced himself that I was her…maybe he’d even thought that he could save me where he hadn’t been able to save her.
I stumbled back into the doorway and sank down to join Doc on the floor. “So, what did Luck do?”
Doc laughed humorlessly. “He pinned it all on Charm. Said if he would’ve done a better job with her that none of it would’ve happened. The club began to split after that—if the Prez couldn’t handle his own daughter, how the hell was he supposed to run the club?”
Charm had pushed me away when I showed up, not out of spite, but because I reminded him of his dead sister.
Hurting people hurt people.
My mom used to say that all the time, but I never really thought much about it until now. Charm put up boundaries because he couldn’t relive her death again.
“Charm would drag her out to watch the sunrise—he’d read a book on helping addicts recover. Apparently, watching the sunrise is a natural high. He didn’t go out there again though until you showed up.”
The entire time I’d wanted to prove him wrong and it turned out that he’d wanted the same thing. I thought back to the first time he took me out to the ledge and the way he’d stared at me; needing me to be different.
“Is that why he took me on the motorcycle? As part of this natural high thing?”
Doc cocked his head to the side, still using his arm for support. “He took you out on the bike?”
I nodded and he continued, “Well, yeah that was one of the things he tried with Rae. He put his role as VP on hold trying to fix her—yoga, meditation, cliff jumping—you name it, the guy tried it.”
We slipped back into silence again and the weight on my chest grew heavier, not lighter. Hearing about Rae made what happened at the cliff more complicated, instead of less. Before, it was the thought of a girlfriend standing in the way. Now, it was this intense fear of not living up to his expectations. What if I was no better than her?
If given the opportunity, would I blow my sobriety?
Doc saw my face. “Hey, you’re nothing like Rae. Don’t try to compare the two. You worked your ass off to sober up and you’ve remained clean. I don’t know that she ever made it past a week.”
I shook my head. “But, Charm…he can’t have feelings for someone like me. I’m what he despises most—an addict.”
What had happened between us was nothing more than lust. I was a female in close proximity; it was bound to happen. Nothing about it was a good foundation on which to build a relationship though.
“Neve, how many times have you driven into town on your own?”
I thought back over all my visits into town. “I don’t know—I’ve gone at least once a week though.”
“Eight. You’ve been into town eight times. Wanna know how I know? Because one of us has followed you every single time to make sure you stay safe. Hell, I think most of us would’ve done it even if he hadn’t asked us.”
I pushed myself up, my legs shaking. “I have to go. Doc, can I leave you alone?”
I had to know if it was true and I had a crazy hunch that I knew where to find my answers before confronting Charm.
He nodded. “Probably just gonna upchuck and get it over with the minute you leave.”
I wrinkled my nose. “Okay, glad I’m leaving then. I just need to sort this out. I’ll come back by later and check on you.”
He nodded and stared down into the toilet bowl. “He’s gonna claim you as his ol’ lady, Neve. If he doesn’t, then he’s a fucking moron and one of us’ll do it.”
I could hear him retching as I shut the door behind me and raced down the hall toward Charm’s bedroom. I tore open the nightstand and flipped through the journal, but everything in it
was about Rae, ending with her death.
I returned it to the drawer with a sinking feeling. What had I expected—that he’d written about me?
Wait a minute.
I slipped out of his room and down the stairs, dodging bikers in various states of drunkenness before letting myself into his study. In the center drawer, buried underneath ledgers, was a shiny red notebook.
Chapter Twenty
I turned the pages with trembling hands, pausing every so often to brush the tears from my cheeks. I’d initially sworn that Doc had been wrong; had convinced myself that whatever had happened between us at the cliff was nothing but some lust-driven frenzy. He’d made it apparent that he’d loathed the very sight of me.
I brought my knees up to my chest in the leather chair and forced myself to power through, even though everything in me said to run away. And then I read about the most intimidating man I’d ever met going into more than one bookstore just so that I’d have something to read and my emotions ricocheted around the room.
He’d even read through them, so we would have something to talk about.
My wariness gave way to hope.
When the words stopped, I sat back in shock, clutching the notebook to my chest. It was true. He’d fallen for me much like I’d fallen for him.
We’d even encountered the same obstacle in Rae.
I couldn’t feel my legs as I left the study; it was as if there was a gravitational pull leading me directly to him. It was madness—pure and simple madness. Yet, my feet continued to propel me forward, even as my mind bounced between reactions.
It changed everything.
It didn’t change a thing.
I was getting emotional whiplash just trying to keep up.
Was I cut out to be a biker president’s ol’ lady?’ Was that even something he still wanted? What happened to him not wanting to be my man?
I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn’t notice the man at the end of the hall until I crashed into him.
“Sorry,” I began as he grabbed onto my waist and spun me around before setting me down gently.
“Well, well, well. This MC might have the best-looking bitch around.” He kept his hands on my waist and backed me up toward the wall.
His voice held a hint of malice and I tried, unsuccessfully, to push him away. “I need to get outside.”
He clicked his tongue. “That’s no way to treat company, bitch. You might’ve heard a lot of shit from the other whores, but I’ll go easy on you the first time. I promise.”
“Get your hands off of me.” I held my chin high in defiance and when he tightened his grip, I reared up and kneed him in the balls.
“Fucking bitch. I’ll make you bleed for that.”
He stood back up and lunged at me. I tried to move out of his reach, but he was quicker. He grabbed my arm and began pulling me back toward Charm’s office.
“You sure you wanna do that?” A voice asked and I turned, ready to thank my rescuer, until I realized it was Blade—the biker who’d referred to me as a bitch in front of PD.
Their cut-offs shared the same logo, meaning they were from the same club. The man holding me had the Road Captain patch on his vest, while Blade had the Prez patch sewn onto the right breast of his.
Great. I’d managed to find myself in the crosshairs of the Hell’s Horsemen. From what I’d overheard from the other bikers, these guys were not likely to treat me like a little sister. I’d be lucky to get out of here unscathed.
The man sneered. “You can have what’s left of her when I’m done.”
I was kicking wildly now to escape, but the man kept a firm grip on my arm.
“That’s Charm’s ol’ lady, asshole. He’ll gut you if you a lay a hand on her.” Instead of feeling relief, my fear intensified. There was something about him that just made my skin crawl.
The man immediately released my arm. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place?”
I moved toward Blade, keeping my eyes on the man the whole time. He pulled me into his side and walked toward the front door. “Jesus Christ, you need to stay with your men. Find one and don’t wander off—your ol’ man might not take kindly to rape, but these other fuckers don’t share the same morals.”
I nodded shakily as we moved through the crowd of bikers out onto the front porch where Joker was standing with a beer in his hand. When he saw my face. He dropped it and began signing wildly.
Are you okay?
What happened?
I nodded. “Thanks, Blade. I’ll stay with Joker, if you don’t mind.”
He turned to the mute. “Keep her in your sight, got it? It’ll be a fucking massacre if something happens to her.”
Joker nodded and then began checking me over, before signing, are you hurt?
I shook my head, needing to choose my words carefully. Charm had said that I was part of this club; I had to be prepared to deal with bikers like ones in the Hell’s Horsemen MC. If I made a big fuss now, the party would be over before it really even began and the men might not think that I was cut out for this kind of life.
I took a deep breath to steady myself. “No…some asshole got handsy. I do need to talk to you though.”
He frowned and we walked over to the corner of the porch where it was less crowded.
I leaned against the rough wood exterior and exhaled slowly. “Did Charm tell you to watch out for me? To make sure I was okay?”
He nodded as if the questions were no big deal. Then, he linked his left index finger with his right, before reversing it.
Friend.
“He wanted you to be my friend?”
He nodded again and gestured around us.
“He wanted all of you to be friends with me?”
He smiled widely.
I grabbed him in a hug and held on, even more confused than before. His strong arms came up and wrapped around my back.
The card game.
The sunrises spent with other people.
He’d done it all for me and I’d pushed him away because I was convinced that there was someone else. It seemed blatantly obvious now.
Joker released me and pointed toward the bonfire. I nodded and we began walking toward it. He left me standing near Joseph, the prospect, while he grabbed another beer. My eyes scanned over the crowd of people gathered around the fire pit, searching for familiar faces.
Quite a few people were dancing on the slab of concrete we turned into a makeshift dancefloor—proving both Charm and Rooster wrong. Speak of the devil… I recognized Rooster as he took slow turns around the dance floor, his head leaned in, talking to a pretty brunette. Judging from the look on her face, he was doing more than counting steps as he whispered in her ear.
Gunner and Axel stood off to the side, acting as the unofficial lookouts for the party, while Guardrail was trying to drink another biker under the table. Cheers of “chug, chug, chug” echoed across the grass.
Twitch and PD were involved in a deep discussion near the fire, their heads close together. Ali walked up with drinks in her hand and PD easily pulled her into his lap before resuming his conversation. Amber appeared to be giving makeup tips to a table of club whores, but stopped and gave a small wave when she saw me.
I saw him before he saw me. Charm was sitting in one of the lawn chairs, his eyes searching every face until they landed on mine. He visibly relaxed and a small smile played on his lips.
I held up my hand and smiled back, feeling every bit like a junior high girl waving to her crush. My cheeks grew hot as he watched me.
“So, what’s it like?”
A woman with overwhelmingly strong perfume moved into my line of vision, forcing my gaze away from Charm. Her hair had been bleached until it was white and her makeup was caked on in thick layers—she’d even managed to complete the stereotype with lipstick on her teeth.
“I’m sorry?”
She pointed to Charm. “What’s it like being his ol’ lady?”
His eyes narrowed when
the woman pointed and I began stuttering. “H-h-he’s not mine—”
She cut me off. “That’s not what I heard.”
I nodded, still staring at Charm. “Excuse me, I’ll be right back.”
I began walking back toward the clubhouse—I just needed a moment to get my thoughts in order and my nerves under control.
I passed several bikers who praised the food. Before I ended up here, I didn’t know my way around a kitchen. I stopped and took one last look around the gathering as Rooster and his dance partner brushed past me on their way into the house. He turned back to wink at me and I couldn’t help but smile.
I’d done it. I’d pulled it off.
Somehow, in the midst of withdrawals, I’d managed to help every biker in this club.
Well, every biker but one.
Chapter Twenty-One
“You did good, honey.”
A burst of pride filled my chest as I turned around and saw Charm standing just a few feet behind me. “Yeah?”
It had gone off without a hitch—I’d come a long way in the last few months. These bikers had become my drug—taking care of them my new hobby. And the crazy thing was that I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.
Charm reached out and grabbed onto one of my dark locks, as if anchoring me. “You did a kick ass job.”
It hit me—my longing for blow diminished whenever he was near. With that, something shifted and I knew that he felt it too because he closed the distance between us, taking my face in his calloused hands. “Thank you,” he said, just above a whisper.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I think it’s me who should be thanking you. Everything—all of it—was for me?”
He nodded and I looked down at my feet, trying to gather my thoughts into something more than blubbering gibberish.
“Are you mad?”
I blinked slowly and looked up, as if seeing him for the first time. His light brown eyes were half open as if he was under the influence. His beard was unkempt, with each hair fighting to go in a different direction. He was wild, and I found I didn’t want to tame him. No, I wanted to run free alongside him. To share space with him.
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