Darkness Before Dawn

by Ace Collins

  Inside her brain, Meg was aware of a clock ticking. It was a life clock, the kind that couldn’t be wound or turned back. With every tick, it brought Jim Thomas closer to the point of no return. For all she knew, he’d already passed that point. He might have passed it as she read the note or even when she walked away. She had no way of knowing and the ticking in her brain kept getting louder.

  “Oh, God, Please!”

  And still, the boy just lay there. She would breathe in, but he wouldn’t help her. She would push on his heart, demanding that it beat, and she would get no response. As the rain grew harder, Meg took one last deep breath and placed her mouth on his one final time.

  Suddenly, she felt a weak cough come from the boy’s throat. “That’s it!” she whispered lowering her lips to his once again. “Now, keep it up,” she urged as she took another deep breath.

  Suddenly, she heard the doors behind her open and the sounds of heavy footsteps splashing through the rain to her side. “Sorry it took me so long. Had a heart attack in ICU. What’s the story here?”

  Looking up at the doctor, Meg hurriedly explained, “Carbon monoxide. I’ve got him breathing shallowly now. We’ve got to get him inside. I think we can save him!”

  As they lifted the boy onto a gurney, the heavens cut loose with a torrential downfall. Soaking wet by the time they got inside, they wheeled Thomas directly into room 3 and went to work.

  “Get an IV in him, nurse. I’ll get the oxygen going.”

  Meg went to work, all the while haunted by the thought that she had done this. She had been the one who might have killed this boy.

  55

  AN HOUR LATER, AN ORDERLY AND A NURSE WHEELED THOMAS TO INTENsive care. As Meg rested on an empty stool, Dr. McCullen went directly into the other room to treat the still-waiting Ed’s injured hand. Wiping her brow with a cloth, Meg took a deep breath and walked out of the room into the lobby where she sat down beside the teenager who had brought Thomas to the hospital.

  “Is he going to die?” the girl asked again.

  A tired smile coming to her lips, Meg looked at the frightened kid with warm, loving eyes, and said, “I don’t think so. He’s not out of the woods yet, but he should make it. At least, I believe he will.”

  “You saved his life,” the small, sandy-haired teen said in amazement.

  Meg just glanced away and shook her head. Turning back to the girl, she asked, “Want some gum? I have some in my purse.”

  The girl nodded.

  Getting up, Meg went behind the counter, opened a drawer, and pulled out her handbag.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Katie . . . Katie Davis,” the girl answered.

  “Well, Katie,” Meg explained, “you saved his life by getting him here in time. You are a good friend.”

  The girl just shook her head. “Not really, I only went by because he had something I needed. He never sleeps much, so I figured he’d be up. Nobody really likes him anymore. He’s gotten so weird. But I couldn’t let him die. Oh no, what time is it? I need to call home and tell my folks where I am, and my cell is still in the car.”

  “Use this phone.” Meg offered the one on the desk. As the girl called, Meg picked up her purse to look for the gum. Opening it, she reached in and pulled out a small, wrapped package. As soon as she saw it, tears filled her eyes.

  “Is there anything wrong?” Katie asked.

  “No,” Meg responded. “I just picked up the wrong purse when I left home. I haven’t carried this one since . . .” It had been the day of the verdict. After trying unsuccessfully to push a tear back into her eye with her finger, she continued, “Well, anyway for a long time.” Searching in the purse, she pulled out a piece of gum and handed it to the girl.

  “Nurse.” Dr. McCullen’s voice caused her to look across the room. “You’ve done some great work. I’ll cover here. Why don’t you take a break?”

  Nodding, Meg picked up the wrapped package, slipped it back in her purse, and walked out behind the counter and down the hall to the break room. After getting a soda, she sat down and once again retrieved the package from her bag. Staring at it for a few moments, she placed it in her lap.

  What was in it? What had Nancy thought was so important that she wrapped it and left it for her on the day she died?

  Pulling away the string and tissue paper, Meg finally saw the gift she’d forgotten she’d had.

  “A Bible,” she whispered as the paper slipped off. The name “Nancy” was written in gold on the bottom right side of the cover. As Meg lifted the book from her lap, a piece of paper fell to the floor. Bending over, she picked it up and saw it was a note meant for only her.

  Meg, I know that you will find the satisfaction that you so badly want to find. But, trust me, you will not find it in the place where you now believe it to be. I once thought that true happiness and peace would only be found when they developed a cure for cancer. Now, I know that answer would have only been a temporary one. I’ve found that the answer does not come from the outside, but from within. So, what you need has already been placed in your heart. And in your hand, you have the key to discovering that answer.

  Meg studied the words while once again squeezing the small Bible that rested in her left hand. Opening it, she placed Nancy’s note inside the pages and closed the book. But as the pages shut, the note went flying out. Picking it up, she reopened the book and reinserted the note. But once again when she closed it, the note fell to the floor.

  Picking the note up for the third time, Meg reopened the Bible, and this time a passage that Nancy had underlined in red ink jumped out at her.

  Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

  Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!

  Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

  Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,

  “I will take revenge;

  I will pay them back,”

  says the LORD. Instead,

  “If your enemies are hungry, feed them.

  If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.

  In doing this, you will heap

  burning coals of shame on their heads.”

  Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

  After reading the passage several times, Meg placed the note once again into the Bible, and this time it stayed in place. Setting the book down on the table to her right, Meg whispered, “You can’t leave me alone, can you, Nancy? When you said that you left me a road map, you didn’t say it would show me where I’d already been. And I don’t like that. The question I’ve got now, the same one I had that night I came to see you and you had already gone, is where do I go from here?”

  “Are you talking to me?” Katie asked as she popped into the room.

  Meg shook her head. “No, just thinking about an old friend.”

  “Well, I’m going home now. Thanks for saving Jim.”

  “You take care,” Meg gently answered as the young woman left the room. Now once more alone, Meg continued to silently speak to someone who had not been there for three months.

  “Where do I go from here? Nancy, I know what you would say. You’d say that all I have to do to learn what I need to know is ask the One who made me and then search my own heart. Well, this time, I’ll listen. A
nd this time, I will give it a try.”

  Walking out of the break room, down the hall, up a flight of stairs and around a corner brought her to the hospital’s small chapel. There was no one there. Stepping in, she fell to her knees and began to pray. She did so unashamedly and out loud.

  “Okay. Lord. It’s just You and me now. I guess You’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. I don’t really know how to say this, but I’m sorry, for not only pushing You out of my life but for blaming You for all that has happened.

  “It’s pretty clear to me now that You didn’t want Jim Thomas to get drunk and kill Steve. If Jim had been listening to You, well, that wouldn’t have happened. What he did may have resulted from his choice, but it’s obvious that his problem goes back beyond that night. Someone didn’t care enough about him to reach out and love him. He didn’t have a Steve, Nancy, or Heather, or anyone I guess. And if he did, he may have been just as stubborn about listening as I was.

  “Lord, if You will just help him get well, I’ll try to make up for what I’ve done. Of course having that boy listen to me, after all the things I put him through, will be a bigger miracle than You making him well. But if I can be used, I want to be used.

  “Lord, I thought Jim Thomas was the enemy, but now I see that wasn’t true. The enemy was what made him lose control . . . the booze. There are many ways that I can make a difference through my witness on this subject. Help me to find a way.

  “You know I haven’t thanked You for anything in a long time. But now I want to. Thank You for a mother who told me about You, who has great faith in You, and who still loves me after all I’ve done. Thank you for my friends, especially Nancy, someone who loved me at my ugliest and whose kindness and understanding have done a great deal in helping me see a bit more clearly now.

  “Finally, Lord, I don’t know if she ever will be able to forgive me, but please give me the strength to humble myself to Heather. I walked out on her, took advantage of her nature, and then, when she looked to me for some kind of strength and guidance, I let her down.

  “Without You I’ve done a real good job of messing my life up. I’m ready to admit that and I’m ready to not blame You for it.

  “From this moment, I dedicate myself to being more of the person I need to be. Dear Jesus, I’m sorry, but work with me on this, please.

  “Amen.”

  As Meg opened her eyes and raised her head, she saw a figure standing to her left. As she turned, her eyes met Heather’s.

  “I understand that you’re a hero,” Heather softly announced.

  “No, I’m a jerk, who got lucky,” Meg responded as she pulled her pregnant form from the pew. Pausing a moment, she continued, “Heather . . .”

  “You don’t have to say a thing,” Heather responded. “I heard your prayer and I’m just glad to have you back. Whatever problems we had, they aren’t important now. They happened when you weren’t yourself.”

  As Meg rose, Heather opened her arms, and the two of them shared both tears of pain and thankfulness. After a long moment, Meg patted her friend on the back, wiped her eyes, and then stepping back, inquired, “What are you doing here?”

  “I was worried about you,” Heather replied. “Julie called me and told me what had happened. I thought you might need someone.”

  “I sure hope what I did was in time,” Meg stated.

  “It was.”

  “How do you know?” Meg demanded.

  “I just know,” Heather assured her. “I just know.”

  56

  WHEN MEG OPENED THE DOOR, JIM THOMAS WAS WATCHING TELEVISION. As she came in, he quickly turned the set off. The look on his face told her he didn’t know what to expect.

  “How are you feeling?” Though her voice was calm, Meg’s insides were shaking like the limbs of a willow tree fighting a gale force wind. She’d slept little but prayed a lot. Those prayers had centered on forgiveness and compassion. She’d prayed for complete healing for this young man. And she had prayed for her own strength in this moment.

  “Fine.” Jim’s answer was short and accompanied by a worried nod.

  Thomas, who was now a patient in room 211—Nancy’s room—and it had been over sixteen hours since Meg had made the hardest decision of her life by deciding to save his life. Now after one night of observation, he would be going home, with no lasting effects from his experience.

  As her big brown eyes stared warmly at him, the fear that he’d initially shown turned to confusion. He had to be asking himself where was the hard, cold demon who had confronted him just two days before.

  “You had me a little scared,” Meg continued after closing the gap between them. Then noticing the flowers and cards that decorated the entire room, she observed, “I’m glad you made it, and evidently I’m not the only one. I wonder if there are any cards and flowers left in Springfield?” She forced a laugh. When he didn’t join her, she walked over to the window and looked outside.

  This was going to be a lot harder than she imagined. He had no reason to trust her. Not now, not ever! She shouldn’t even be in his room. She was the wrong nurse at the wrong time. As much as she wanted and needed forgiveness, it was simply too soon.

  From behind her, he cleared his throat and finally spoke. “I don’t understand why you did it.”

  She had to say what she had come in here to say, but it was hard and humbling. There simply couldn’t be anything more difficult than admitting you were wrong unless it was that you were also ugly, mean, and evil. And she’d been all these things. So a simple “I’m sorry” was not enough. Where did she begin?

  While letting the words sink in, Meg turned away from the window, strolled across the room, pulled a chair up close to the bed, and sat down. Crossing her legs, she placed her hands in her lap, just below her baby bump, and began.

  “I don’t know if you mean why I spent the last few months hounding you, maybe tormenting is a better word, or why I tried to save your life last night. But both of those questions deserve to be answered, and that’s really why I’m here. For your sake and mine I need to try to make you understand not only what I became but what I’m trying hard to be at this moment.”

  “Jim,” Meg’s eyes met his and locked. His face still showed confusion, but at least it seemed some of the apprehension that had been etched there a few minutes ago was now gone. She smiled as she continued, “I don’t know if you can ever forgive me, in fact, I don’t expect you can, but I am sorry for everything I did. Something got into me, no, that’s not true, the Spirit of God left me, or at least I decided I wasn’t going to listen to that spirit any more, and I became an almost demonic instrument of hate. I mean . . .”

  Meg paused and glanced over to the mirror. This was so hard. She was having to admit that hate had consumed her. That was an ugly picture. But she also had to be honest, he needed to know it all and she had to get it off her chest, for fear, that if she didn’t, it could creep back into her life again.

  “I’d be lying,” she softly admitted as she turned back to face him, “if I didn’t tell you that a big part of me wanted you to die when Katie brought you in. I had gotten so far from what I once was, what I should have been, that I wanted to walk away and do nothing for you. But there was a still, small voice, a pretty powerful voice, too, one that just wouldn’t let me do that. It wasn’t the nurse in me. It was that tiny bit of faith that was left in me.”

  Meg stopped for a moment. What she had said may have been enough, but for herself she needed to go further, to explain even more.

  “I think that the Christian in me would have been dead, too, except for the very positive, loving influence of a young lady I met just a few months ago. As a matter of fact, I met her in this very room. Her name was Nancy, and in some very subtle ways, she kept after me to look inside myself. You know, I thought I had been able to ignore everything that she had said, but I guess that I didn’t. She told me that it wasn’t God striking out at me when Steve died. It was a shortcoming in us as human b
eings. If everyone would just try to be what God wanted, if we would just pay attention to His word and wishes, then things like this wouldn’t happen.”

  Meg got up and walked over to the table where Nancy’s iPod used to be. As she touched that spot, she was taken back to a time when music filled this room. If that same music were here now, it would sure help. She spun slowly around to face the patient.

  “Jim, Nancy actually believed God was as sad as I was about Steve’s death. She told me then, and now I believe it, that God cried with me. But she also said that God wasn’t mad at you, and I couldn’t buy that at that time. I thought He should have been. But Nancy said He wanted you to ask Him for help, to reach out to Him. And He was sad when you took a different road. Without Nancy, I’m not sure that I would have ever realized that. Her witness probably saved your life last night. It’s folks like her who positively touch other people’s lives. Then there are folks like me, who have done just the opposite. I affected you in ways that make me ashamed to the bone.”

  He was listening to every word she was saying, but was she getting through to him? Smiling again, she continued, this time intent on keeping her eyes right on his.

  “Nancy was one of the first people I ever met, who never—not once—demanded that I think like or be like her. She was strong enough to know her own faith and not judge me for my lack of faith. I guess if I’ve ever known a real wise Christian, it was her.”

  “She sounds very special,” Thomas said. “She sounds like someone I should meet.”

  Now hesitating, tears welling up in her eyes, Meg whispered, “I wish you could, but she died a few months ago. She had cancer.” Meg stopped. She knew what she needed to say, but even after trying to put the words together all day, she still didn’t know how to say it.

  “Jim, I was very wrong. What I did to you was unforgivable. I have no right to ever expect you to forgive me, but I want to say that I am very sorry.” Her words had come out in a halting manner and a chill ran down her neck as she waited for the response. It took an agonizingly long time for the young man to speak.