Scarlett's Will (Magic in the Smoke)

by Nicole Smith

  “I'm not looking for trouble Calvin. I'm just trying to survive. Please let me go,” I begged through his slightly parted fingers that covered my mouth.

  “I can't let you go, you see you have been chosen and I don't even think you know it yet. I find it kind of funny that they let you go. That they chose you but still allow you to live on the streets. It's shocking, I guess it just shows you how disturbed the family really is,” he sneered.

  “I don't understand? No one chose me for anything?” I mumbled through his fingers again.

  “You have his heart but he still let you go. I don't understand,” he said covering my mouth again. I felt his other hand slide under my shirt and rest on my stomach. I began to cry as he pushed down on me.

  “No life yet, interesting. Maybe you are not the one after all,” he said with a smile. I felt the cold steel of his knife begin to sink into my cheek. As the knife broke my skin someone knocked down my door and two guys rushed in at Calvin. He released me as he dodged them both and raced out of the room. Jeremy and Dylan chased after him, leaving me crying and trembling on the floor. Cas, Carl and Debbie came running in at the same time. Cas was looking around the room and I followed her gaze. I hadn't noticed when Calvin dragged me in here that he had covered my bed with flowers and dirt. On my dresser he had placed a white sheet over my mirror, in what looked like blood he had written, 'death to his son' a number of times. I shuddered when I saw it. How disturbed is he? Cas held me as Debbie took down the sheet and went out with it.

  I was still on the floor when she reappeared. “I've called the police. They'll be here soon. His room is empty. He must have planned on leaving quickly, stashing his things outside I guess,” she said. Jeremy and Dylan returned. I held my arms out to them. They knelt down beside me and I hugged them.

  “Thank you so much,” I said through my tears.

  “He got away. Someone picked him up. I didn't even get a good look at the car. The headlights were off when it appeared out of nowhere and he jumped in,” Dylan sighed.

  “It's okay, thank you for saving me,” I said as I wiped my tears. Debbie knelt down in front of me and wiped at the wound on my cheek. She applied an antibiotic and bandaged it up. After telling the police all I knew, I was exhausted. Debbie allowed all us girls to have a sleepover in the common room. Carl, Dylan and Jeremy joined us too. It was so nice to be all together considering what had happened. We stayed up late telling stories, trying to make each other laugh. We listened to music and made popcorn. I tried not to think of it as our last night there. I tried not to think of what Calvin could have done to me or what he meant by 'death to his son?' I had no idea whose son he was referring to or who he thought had chosen me. I remembered my father saying something similar when he attacked me. He had said 'he can't choose me,' he forbid it. I thought he had been talking about Buddy, but I didn't understand. I still don't. Maybe it is just a coincidence.

  We were all in tears as we gave each other a final hug. The thing was, in the eighties there wasn't any email, no cell phones, not that we had any money for such things, but without a home address there was no way of keeping in touch. A good bye was a good bye. Melody hugged me then ran away. I wished in that moment that I had more, that I could do more. This beautiful young girl needed help and I couldn’t do anything. I had to leave her.

  I watched for Calvin outside when we left, thankfully I didn't see him but I was still frightened. Dylan and Jeremy gave us each a good bye joint after we hugged.

  “Good luck Scarlett, safe travels and hey, you owe me one baby,” he said smiling as he walked inside.

  “Thank you Jeremy. Take care,” I whispered as I watched them walk away.

  Cas and I put our backpacks on and hugged Carl one last time. I saw the tears in his eyes as he grinned, taking the comb out of his hair, pretending to brush it as he walked back into the house. There was nothing left to say. I'll miss you, I love you, take care of yourselves, all of it seemed so empty now. All I could do was hold onto hope that someday our paths may cross again. Just like I hoped that someday I would feel Buddy's arms wrapped around me again.

  Cas and I walked in silence towards the hi-way. We were both feeling the pain of leaving our new friends. I tried not to cry but I could feel the tears as they trickled down my cheeks.

  CHAPTER SIX

  We didn’t have enough money to catch the bus back to Aurora so we decided to hitch hike. It was a hot day in early May. I adjusted the straps on my backpack and retied my shoes as we continued to walk towards the hi-way going north. It took us a couple of hours to get to a place where we felt comfortable hitchhiking. Once we started walking along the highway, Cas hiked up her skirt and stuck her thumb out. I started laughing at her.

  “You look like some slut out of a scary movie that gets chopped to pieces,” I told her in a spooky voice.

  “I think you should shut up Scar, we are a couple of sluts hitchhiking on a quiet highway. If we scream do you think anyone will hear us,” she shouted, frightening me.

  “Fuck, don’t scare me Cas. I was held at knife point last night, remember? I'm a little shaky,” I shouted back at her as I stuck my thumb out to the passing cars.

  It didn’t take long for someone to stop. I was nervous as I looked in his passenger window. He smiled as he held up his hand in a friendly wave.

  “Hey, how far are you girls going?” I glanced at Cas and she nodded that he seemed okay. I opened the door and noticed that there were two kids in the back.

  “Here, it’s okay, you can both sit here in the front, it’ll just be cozy,” he suggested with a smile. I didn’t like it but I moved closer to him as Cas got in beside me. I squished her against the door as much as I could so the driver had room, without me having to rub against him.

  “We’re going to Aurora,” I told him.

  “I’m not going that far but I’ll take you as close as I can,” he offered.

  “Thank you, that’ll be great,” Cas replied.

  We drove for a bit in an awkward silence. I couldn’t help but wonder why a guy with kids would pick up a couple of hitchhikers. I mean we could be dangerous. What if we had a weapon. I looked at Cas, but she was busy looking out the window. I glanced over at our driver. He catches my eye and smiles.

  “So, why are you two hitchhiking?” he asked quietly.

  “Well, we’ve spent some time downtown with friends and now we’re heading home,” I told him.

  “I have a tendency to pick up female hitchhikers, I guess I feel sorry for them. You two look like you’ve been through some shit. Do you want to talk about it?” he asked as I saw his hand getting closer to my leg.

  “No, not really. We’re fine,” I said as I elbowed Cas in the ribs, as discreetly as possible. She looked over at me quickly, catching my nervousness finally. When he’s watching the road I glance from Cas' eyes to his hand that is even closer to my thigh now. Her eyes bug out, she gets it. ‘Oh shit,’ she mouths. I just nod.

  “I’ll be turning off in a couple more exists. Do you want to spend the night here. I can get you a hotel room then in the morning I can drive you to Aurora. I’m a teacher, just so you know. I’m safe,” he offered as his fingers graze my thigh. I gasp as I lean into Cas more.

  “No thank you, here will be just fine. We have to get back by nightfall, so thanks,” Cas stammers as she points to the side of the highway. I hear one of the kids yawn. He glances back then pulls the car over quickly.

  “Okay, well you girls be safe out there. You never know who you’ll meet on a long stretch of hi-way,” he smirked as we slide out.

  “Thank you,” I said as I shut the door. I noticed his fingers resting on the spot I was just sitting on. He catches my gaze and winks before driving away.

  “Holy fucking shit!” I shout as I stand there on the side of the hi way. “Can you get any creepier?” I shout at Cas as she turns to walk along the highway.

  “Probably,” I hear her mumble as I follow behind. I really don’t want to hitchhike
anymore. After an hour passes of us just walking a trucker pulls over. As we walk by it I hear him call to us through the window.

  “Where ya heading little ladies?” I look up at his fat cheeks and decide ‘what the hell.’

  “Aurora,” I tell him.

  “Hop in, I’ll be passing by there. Not much further now,” he says with a smile. Cas just nods as I open the door. It’s her turn to sit beside the driver.

  Lucky for her, he turned out to be pretty sweet. He chatted a lot, we mostly listened. I think he just wanted someone to talk too. When he pulled into the truckers rest stop along the highway, just outside of Aurora, he turned and smiled at me.

  “So here we are. Are you little laddies hungry? I don’t mind buying you some fries and a burger,” he offered. Cas sits up straight then.

  “Food, can we Scar, please?” she begs.

  “Well if you really don’t mind, maybe a little food might be nice,” I smiled sweetly as my stomach growled.

  The bright lights of the diner made my head ache. I’m grateful for the water as I chug it back. Cas and I practically inhale our fries and burger.

  “Oh thank you, we haven’t had greasy food in ages,” I said.

  “No worries. Thanks for keeping me company. It can get pretty lonely when you have to drive across the country,” he said as he drinks his coffee.

  Cas heads to the bathroom as the trucker pays. I stand beside him, catching the waitresses eye. She’s not sure what to make of us but I don’t think she really cares.

  “Well, thank you so much,” I said as I offered him my last joint.

  “No thanks darlin'. You just take care of yourself and your friend. I always say life is an open road, don’t fight where it wants to take you,” he winks as he walks out. I stand there, out front the diner, waiting for Cas as he drives away.

  We walk with linked arms downtown Aurora, not sure where we should go, but crazy exhausted. I just need to crash somewhere. I light a cigarette as we sit down on the curb near the arcade. It’s closed and there isn’t anyone around.

  “I know a shed,” I laugh as we walk towards the park. It’s still unlocked, I smile with relief as we walk in, shutting the door behind us. We curl up together on the bench and fall asleep.

  In the morning, we wake after dawn and walk downtown. As we approach the cafe I see Sam and Flynn. I really don’t want to talk to them but Cas runs towards them, draping her arms around Sam.

  “I am so happy to see you two,” she cries, clinging to them. I catch Flynn's eye and shrug.

  “It’s been a long day,” I said, before realizing that it’s only nine in the morning.

  “Come on, you can wash up and have a nap at my place,” Sam offers as he places his arm around Cas. “You too Scar,” he said with a wink. I wish I could have warned Cas to stop but the idea of having somewhere to sleep overtook me. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

  During the next couple of weeks we quickly fell into our old ways. Cas got back together with an old boyfriend and I lived with them for a while, until I met up with Josh again. He seemed a little edgier than before, but he still wanted me back. I liked his laced up docs and ripped jeans with British flag patches.

  “I’ve missed you Scarlett,” he tells me as he lays out a line of cocaine for me. I’m nervous about this, I know that doing this will not get me any closer to cleaning up my life. I tried to go home again but my mother warned me that it probably wasn't a good idea. My father had been hitting the bottle more than usual and she told me that it would be safer for me to stay away. I looked down at the white powder laid out in front of me and cried. Tears of hopelessness and loss burst out of me. I felt Josh rubbing my shoulder.

  “It will make the pain go away Scarlett,” he said. I knew I shouldn't do it but the promise of not feeling my pain for a while was too tempting. Buddy seemed so far away from me now. I just couldn't make a decision for myself anymore. I should never have stepped off the bus in Toronto. I should have carried on to Buffalo. In an abrupt movement, surprising Josh, I snorted the line, holding back my tears. I looked up into Josh’s eyes, wishing I could feel something for him since he’s all I have but I don’t. The trucker's motto runs through my head. I can't help but wonder if the road I'm on will one day lead me back to Will. I laugh knowing I'm on a dead end.

  “Scarlett, I’m so happy you're back,” Josh tells me as he kisses me, mistaking my laughter for happiness. I close my eyes and I want to scream as Buddy's eyes close in front of me.

  Over the next few nights Josh has come home with fresh bruises and bloody knuckles. He can’t seem to keep his mouth shut sometimes. The first time I saw him fight I had to run out of the room. I sat in the bedroom with the door closed as I heard glass break and someone fall down the stairs. I could hear Josh shouting. “Get the fuck out of here!” I waited in the bedroom for what felt like hours, shaking. I prayed I would never be on the receiving end of one of his tirades.

  I moved in with Josh in May. I gathered what few belongings I had from Cas but I never unpacked them, even though Josh gave me a drawer. He lived with three other guys now in a fairly large house. Cocaine was their drug of choice. I quickly took to it, surprise, surprise.

  When Josh would come home he would usually find me on the sofa watching some horror movie with one of his goth roomies or listening to music and dancing to The Cure. Josh would flip me over his shoulder and carry me upstairs as though I was some prey he just hunted down. I would kick and scream but he would just smack my ass. I liked him though. I liked the way he would make me laugh. I liked the way he told me he needed me. I didn’t like the way I believed him.

  He would stay up with me after he had his way and snuggle me close to him. He had his bed set up against the window so we could look out at the stars. I would always think of Buddy when I looked out into the night sky, wishing it was him holding me. I would often wonder if he was on his roof looking up into his bright sky for a star. I began to cry myself to sleep again, still telling myself there was no way he would want me back again, ever.

  When I dared to look in the mirror, I was always disgusted by my appearance. My eyes had sunken in and were constantly rimmed in black. I would cover my face in a pale foundation because my skin was a mess. Ira was one of the roomies in the house and he became a good friend to me. I liked hanging out with him when Josh wasn't home. He had dyed his hair midnight black as well. I thought we looked cute together.

  “Can I paint your nails Scarlett?" Ira asked me one night, when were watching The Exorcist.

  "Yeah," I said as I placed my hands in his. He liked to doll me up in the evenings. He shared his red lipstick with me as mine had disappeared on my travels. He would paint my toenails black or dark purple as we listened to New Order and Skinny Puppy. He taught me how to wear black eyeliner the way Cleopatra had. Sometimes I would do a line of coke with him then I’d strip down to my black lace bra and panties and he would flip the furniture over as we jumped around lip syncing to Angel of Harlem or Like A Virgin. I would laugh and sing till my throat hurt.

  I had left Josh’s house to spend a few nights with Cas. I just wanted to catch up with her and I needed a break from Josh and Ira. When I went back to Josh’s two nights later, the house was dark. No one seemed to be home. I walked quietly up to our bedroom and opened the door slowly. I glanced at the bed and saw Josh, wrapped in a blanket. I listened as I heard him moan. I thought he was hurt or sick. I turned on the lamp and he jerked back, shocked to see me. Just as he did this a girls head popped up from beneath the blanket. It was my turn to jump back.

  “Who the hell is this?” I shouted at him. He stood up and ran to me, naked. I jumped back from him, my hands up.

  “Get away from me, don’t touch me,” I warned him. I thanked god in that moment that he always used condoms, I couldn’t imagine how many times he may have cheated on me and who knows with what kind of girl.

  “But Scar, I love you, don’t go. I’m sorry,” he begged. I could hear the girl s
obbing, muttering ‘what about me Josh.’ I knew that she should shut up soon. Josh had a quick temper. I glared at her, hoping to silence her.

  I stuffed my clothes into my backpack. Grabbing my cigarettes, I looked back to Josh, who had thrown on his jeans with the rips that I used to like, but I realized then that I only liked them because they reminded me of Buddy’s jeans. I felt sick now as I glared at him. He was just a womanizer that I thought I might love someday. I held back my tears as he stood in front of me.

  “Take care Josh,” I said as I turned to leave.

  “Scarlett , no, please. I’m sorry,” he yelled as he followed me. I ran down the stairs and out the front door, into the dark, cold, lonely night. I heard breaking glass behind me. I began to run faster down the street.

  “Good luck bitch,” I shouted as I glanced back at his house.

  I had no idea where I was going to go now. I lit a cigarette, wishing I had something to dull the pain and fill the empty space in my chest. I laughed as I realized I was homeless again. The last time I went home my dad almost beat me to a bloody pulp. I’m not going back there again. I can’t go to Cas. She’s settled in with her new boyfriend. She’d leave him for me, this I knew. I’ve already had her runaway with me before, I can’t do that again. I realize I’m close to my aunt’s house. Maybe she’ll take me in for the night. I hear rock music, White Lion I think coming from her apartment. I knock and she swings the door open, shocked to see me. She has a few guys over.

  “Is this a bad time?” I asked as she invited me in.

  “Of course not, come on in. Have a drink,” she slurs. I can see that she’s been drinking for a while. I’m feeling a little awkward. I swing back three shots of vodka consecutively.

  “Do you mind if I crash, just for the night? Man troubles tonight,” I laugh. She walks over and hugs me.

  “Men are scum,” she whispers, then turns to one of her guests. Laughing and pulling him up to dance with her.

  The other guy walks over to me and holds out his hand. I shake it as he offers me a drink with his other hand.