by Nicole Smith
“Men really are scum. I’m Brad and you should probably know that I’m no different,” he said seriously. I laugh, thinking he’s being funny but immediately feel tense. I turn from him and instantly regret taking the drink. He’s drugged me. I can feel it. I have to get out of here. Has my aunt been drugged. I have to call the police. As I turn the floor comes at me hard.
I’m sinking in a pool of blackness. I can’t feel anything. I can’t see anything. I am nothing. Just taking up space in the void. I want to cry but tears aren’t coming to my eyes. I’ve dried up. I want to run but I have no legs. I want to hit something but I have no arms. I am nothing. I have sunk as low as I possibly can. There is nothing darker than this.
CHAPTER SEVEN
I gasped for air as I sat up, quickly realizing that I was still on the floor. The apartment was quiet now, the music had stopped. I stood up quickly even though I felt achy all over. I reached for a cigarette and lit it. Thankfully I was still dressed. I still had my Siouxie Sioux tee shirt on and my red plaid skirt. I couldn’t remember if I was wearing tights or not. I walked around the room, looking for my bag. I couldn’t stay here. I slowly opened my aunts bedroom door and saw her asleep on the bed. I think I saw someone sleeping beside her. I quietly closed the door, grabbing my docs, I raced out of the apartment, but just as I closed the door I smelled a familiar scent surround me. It was the smoke from Lily, the smoke from Jeremy and the same smoke from Buddy. The smell was fading quickly. I scanned the hall but I was alone. I walked out into the early morning air feeling defeated.
“Well, that seems about right,” I said to myself as I walked towards the arcade, laughing and crying. My body was shaking as I walked in. I felt so cold and hungry. I looked around, but I didn’t recognize anyone in the arcade or the cafe. I wasn't feeling to good as I walked towards Cas’ place, and I felt even worse when I saw my mother walking towards me. I didn’t want her to see me like this but I couldn’t turn and run. I just stood still as she walked towards me. She smiled at me with a certain sadness in her eyes. She hugged me quickly then stood back from me. She never liked the smell of smoke.
“Oh Scarlett, are you okay?” she asked. I just nodded. If I spoke I might cry.
“I was told Cassandra lives here so I thought I would drop these off for you,” she said as she handed me a number of letters.
“I would’ve given them to you sooner but I didn’t know where you were,” she apologized. I read the return address. They were all from Buddy. I wiped a tear from my eye as I said thank you.
“Scarlett, I know you can’t come home but you have to go to school. I’ve been trying to work things out with your father but he won’t budge on the subject. Maybe once he sees you’re trying you can come back,” she explained as she hugged me again. She opened her purse and handed me some money. I took it. She turned to walk back to her car.
“Thank you Mom,” I said as I glanced at the letters again.
“I think he really loves you Scarlett Rayne,” she said to me as she shook her head. I run to Cas’ house. It's early but I knock on the door anyway. I eventually hear her feet coming towards the door.
“Scar, what’s wrong? What happened?” she asked, grabbing my hand and bringing me in. Tears start to roll down my cheeks. I’m sobbing uncontrollably as I clutch the letters to my chest.
“Josh came by last night, looking for you, he said you left him,” she said. In between my sobs I ask her if he told her why I left him.
“No, he was pretty upset,” she said.
“I walked in on him with some bitch,” I tell her as I light another cigarette.
“Fucking ass, he never mentioned that,” she yelled as she handed me a lit joint. I’m thrilled to have something stronger than tobacco.
“Well you can stay here, I don’t care what Mitch says,” she offered. I notice her glance at the envelopes in my hand.
“Who are they from?” she asked. I smile as I hold them up.
“My mom just gave them to me. Do you mind if I read them now?” I ask her.
“Of course. I’ll just be in my bedroom if you need a shoulder,” she said as she stood up.
“Thanks Cas.”
I decide to start with the first one. It was sent just a week after he brought me home. I wipe the tears from my eyes so I can read it. I take a deep breath and open it.
Dear Scarlett Rayne
Why did you bump into me? I miss you so much already. When can I come see you?
Do you have any plans for the summer? Maybe you can spend it with me?
I guess you’d have to tell your parents though.
I kind of had a rough time getting across the border last week.
They had nothing on me but they tried to detain me.
I had an alibi in Toronto that confirmed my story that I was there to visit him that day.
Apparently the police got word that an American man had kidnapped a teenage girl on
the weekend. Strange huh? Anyways, I wouldn’t change a thing.
I just hate missing you so much.
Yours Forever
Buddy
Damn, I knew I had made a mistake when I told the police that I was in the United States. “I’m so sorry Buddy,” I said out loud. I quickly opened the next letter. It was dated in July. Why didn’t my mother give me these letters last year?
Dear Scarlett
Why haven’t I heard from you? Are you okay? Should I come see you?
I will you know. I have a pretty flexible work schedule.
If I don’t get a letter back I’m coming to see you in August.
Call me as soon as you get this letter. I need your phone number too.
Don’t scare me Scarlett. I miss you. I need to hear your voice.
Dave misses you too. He has a message for you.
'Can’t cope, Don’t mope, There’s hope, Smoke dope.'
He says it’s his words but I don’t believe he can write poetry.
I don't even think he can read.
You left behind your Depeche Mode concert tee shirt.
I’ll personally deliver it to you angel. I’ll admit that I have actually been sleeping with it.
I’m ashamed, so ashamed but that’s just how much I miss you.
Call me Scarlett!!
Yours Forever
Buddy
I'm crying again as I open the third letter. Did he actually come back here, was he here in Aurora? I can’t take this. This is torture but I have to continue, I have to read these painful letters.
Dear Scarlett
I’m coming to see you in fourteen days.
I’ll be there, on your doorstep Saturday, August 30th. I hope you’ll answer.
I really don’t want to meet your dad. I miss you. I want to see the stars with you.
I want to wake up with you. Scarlett will you come home with me?
Why won’t you call me? Just tell me you’re okay, please. I’m scared.
Are you okay? I need to hear your voice. I just need to kiss your pretty little face.
Damn it Scarlett, where are you? I’m mad angel.
If you don’t want to hear from me again then just tell me. Just tell me Scarlett.
Buddy
Where was I August 30th of last year. I was still here, in Aurora. It was after my run in with my father, but I was still here. Why did my mother keep these from me. It could have changed everything. I may never have runaway.
“Fuck!” I shout. I was so mad. There was one more letter to read. I trembled as I opened it.
Dear Scarlett
I don’t know if you’re going to get this letter or not but I wanted to send it anyway.
I went to your house. I didn’t meet your dad but I did meet your mother.
I have a feeling she didn’t give you my letters.
She told me you didn’t come home much anymore.
She wasn’t sure where you were living.
At least I know you’re alive now, although not well I assume.
I hope you’re not sleeping with the devil Scarlett. I still want you sleeping with me.
I don’t care what road you’ve taken I still want to find you.
I have chosen you, that will never change. Your mother gave me a picture of you.
It's the last one she took, she said she doesn't even think you know she took it.
You're standing on the porch with a friend laughing. You look so happy and innocent.
I prefer your darker hair but I will admit you look beautiful as a blond as well.
I look at that picture of you every night before I fall asleep and pray to a higher power
that you are safe, that you are happy and that you are going to find your way back to me
someday.
Scarlett, I searched that little town of yours.
I stayed there for three long days looking for you. I searched allies and parks.
I couldn’t find you. I met a few people that said they knew you but didn’t know where
you were staying. They told me that you bounced around a lot.
Maybe it’s just as well that I didn’t find you. If you were with another guy I don’t think I
would have handled it too well. I’ve decided to let you go Scarlett.
You know where I am and you know that I’ll always take you home with me.
I hope you’re safe, I hope you can still see the stars angel.
‘little girl in the snow you should have stayed home, baby it’s cold out there tonight'
Just a lyric from a song I’m listening to that makes me think of you, I hope you’re not cold baby.
Still Yours Forever
Willem
Cas came out to find me a shriveled mess on the floor. I couldn’t speak as the heartache in my chest grew. The pain hurt. My loss hurt. I can’t handle this. She held me in her arms and just sat in silence with me on the floor. She lit a smoke and handed it to me.
“He was here Cas. He was here looking for me last August but he never found me,” I told her. “He has let me go,” I said to her as I stood up and poured myself a shot of vodka. I threw it back, as I wiped the tears from my eyes.
“Scarlett Rayne, call him now,” she ordered me after she read the last letter. I just stared at her, unsure if I could call him.
“Use my phone, talk as long as you need too,” she said, wiping more tears from my eyes with her sleeve.
“But it has been almost a year, I’m sure he doesn’t even remember me anymore,” I whimpered.
“Try Scarlett, please,” she begged, sensing my despair, not knowing how else to help me. I reached into my backpack and opened my journal, the one I’ve been carrying around since I left home. I opened it to the page I wrote down his address, his phone number below it. I have looked at it so many times I’ve memorized it. I cross my fingers, hoping he hasn’t changed it. I dial it as Cas pours me another drink.
“Hello, you’ve reached your Buddy, but I’m UN-a-Vail-able,” he pronounces each syllable in his message, making me laugh. I’ve missed his voice.
“Hi Buddy, it's me , Scarlett Rayne Jones. I'm not sure you’ll remember me but I was missing you. Actually I’ve been missing you since the day you left me. I can’t let you go, I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I’ve made some bad choices and the worst one was losing you,” I whispered, as I held back tears. I wasn't sure what to do if he didn't pick up, if he didn't return my call. Then I would have to face the fact that we were really over.
“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have bothered you,” I said. I lowered the phone slowly, praying he' would pick it up before it reached the receiver.
“Scarlett, is that you?” I heard his frantic voice on the line at the last moment. I quickly brought the receiver back up to my ear, holding it with two hands as I'm shaking.
“Hi, yes it’s me, Scarlett Rayne. Did I catch you at a bad time?” I asked, catching my breath, feeling so nervous. He might have a girlfriend over or something. I tried not to cry as I heard him breathe into the phone.
“Scarlett Rayne I have been waiting for this call,” he breathes heavily into the phone. I can tell he has been worried about me.
“I’m so sorry Buddy. I’ve been a mess since I last saw you,” I whispered.
“Where are you?” he asked.
“I’m at my friend Cas’ house, back in Aurora,” I told him.
“I’ll be there to see the stars with you tonight Scarlett,” he said to me and I can’t stop my tears. He wants to see me again.
“It’s going to be okay Scarlett, I’ll see you soon. Wait for me. What’s her address?” he asked. I told him and he hung up.
“Cas, he’s coming for me,” I screamed as I ran around the room.
CHAPTER EIGHT
I spent the afternoon trying to clean myself up. After I showered Cas combed my hair. It’s still midnight black. My bangs have grown in a bit, so Cas gave them a quick little trim so she could see my eyes, she said. She sneaks a bottle of vodka into the bathroom before she does my makeup. My black eyeliner and red lipstick return, just not as bold as when Ira did it. I pull on my black stockings with a run in them and my short red plaid skirt with all the pins. I begin the process of tying up my army green docs as Cas takes another swig of vodka.
“Are you going to be okay without me?” I ask her as she hands me the bottle. I take two more drinks before continuing my tying.
“I’ll be fine. I have Mr. AA to take care of me,” she said smirking. Mitch, her boyfriend made us well aware of his displeasure when Cas and I get together and drink.
“We had fun didn’t we?” I asked. I could see tears in her eyes now.
“We had a blast. A real adventure. Didn’t make it to Cali though. Maybe when you get back we’ll go find Lily,” she said smiling, handing me the bottle as she lights a joint. I do up my black lace bra and throw on a snug white tee shirt.
I stand and look at myself in the mirror, trying to avoid the black around my eyes.
“He’s not going to recognize me,” I tell her.
“He will and he’ll think you’re still beautiful because he loves you,” she said, hugging me.
“Thanks Cas, I’m going to miss you,” I said, squeezing her back.
The sun began to set and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. I haven’t been able to eat all day. I’ve probably drank too much but I can’t seem to stop. I finish off the rest of the bottle as I stand alone on the porch. I’m holding my leather jacket in my hand, not feeling the cool air as I pace back and forth. Lighting another cigarette, I begin to panic. Maybe he was lying, maybe he thought it would be funny to tell me he was coming then not show up. No, he’s not that mean, but maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he knows how disgusting I’ve become. Maybe he knows I’ve sold myself for a shower and a cupcake. Just as I’m about to run in and raid Cas' liquor cabinet I hear a car pull up. I am frozen in place for a second before I slowly let go of the door and turn around to see a man running toward me. He reaches me before I can breathe again. Wrapping me up in his arms, twirling me around.
“Scarlett, angel, I have missed you,” he said kissing my forehead as he sets me down in front of him.
“I didn’t think you would recognize me?” I whimper, still feeling so overwhelmed that he would come here for me.
“I know you, I know the way your body moves. You look just as beautiful as the day I first laid my eyes on you,” he whispered, holding me closer to him. I stared into his beautiful, serious, deep blue eyes, as he placed his hands on my cheeks. He closes his eyes and I see a tear escape from his lashes.
“I’m so sorry,” I apologize to him. I never considered his pain. I never thought he would worry about me for so long.
“I have thought about you every morning Scarlett and you were the last thing on my mind when I fell asleep. I pictured you cold and hungry, but I couldn’t find you. I didn’t know where to look. I couldn’t s
ave you,” he confided in me as I closed my eyes. I could feel his hands trembling as his lips landed on mine. That kiss that I have been missing for eleven months is finally mine again.
“Scarlett, will you come home with me?” he whispered.
“Oh yes,” I gasp. I’m shaking as I turn from him and run into the house, nearly tripping on the coffee table to grab my backpack. When I'm near him I am calm, happy, it's almost dream like, the way he makes me feel.
“Cas, I’m going,” I yell. She comes running out of her bedroom, throwing her arms around me.
“Be safe Scarlett, take really good care of yourself. Promise me you will come home in one piece,” she said as she releases me.
“I will Cas, take care of yourself too,” I tell her but as I turn to go I catch Cas’ boyfriend, Mitch standing on the porch talking to Buddy. I glance back at Cas and she just gives me a shrug. I watch as Mitch pats his shoulder, still talking but I can’t hear what he is saying. I walk towards the door as Mitch comes over to me and hugs me.
“Just because you drive me insane doesn’t mean I don’t care about you Scarlett. Just take care of yourself, Cas will be a mess if anything happens to you,” he said as he released me, then turned and walked to his bedroom. I waved to Cas as she blows me a kiss. I smile, closing the door.
I turn to Buddy and reach for his hand as he leads me to the car. Opening the door for me, I get in and take a deep breath. He sits down and stares out the window, not starting the car.
“Are you having second thoughts? Did Mitch say something?” I asked, trying not to panic. He turns to me, placing his hand on my knee. I look at the silver rings on his fingers. One of the skulls looks like it's staring at me. I look away quickly as I shake my head. Opening my eyes I glance at him, he’s watching me intently.
“Scarlett, that guy, Mitch, he just told me that you have been struggling, sinking actually. He mentioned that you and Cassandra have had a hell of a ride in the last year and that you have addictions you overindulge in. I just hope I am what you need right now. I have my own addictions, my own demons. I can’t help you with that. I can try and I will try if it means you will come home with me, but you have to be sure you want too. I have to know that you really want this. I have to know that you have chosen me too,” he confided in me, looking confused. He tilts my chin up to look at him and I'm lost in his eyes. It still surprises me that one touch from him and all my anxiety, all my fears just fade away. I want him to hold me, nothing else matters. It’s that simple right now. I’ll think about what I need later, what I want is all I’m consumed with in this moment.