by Nicole Smith
“I have never wanted anything more than to be with you. Can I just be with you Willem?” I ask him. He smiles as his eyes close and he leans over and kisses me so sweetly, making the world and all my problems fade away. I linger in his touch, breathing him in.
We stop a couple of times to stretch and eat on the long ride to his place. We keep the conversation light as we head towards the states but I can’t help notice that he seems tense this time as we get closer to the border crossing.
“It’s okay, no one is going to report me missing this time,” I inform him as I rest my hand on his thigh. I feel his leg muscle tighten below my touch. He glances over at me with his serious stare.
“I may have to be extra careful crossing, they have my name,” he tells me with a sigh. I hope it isn’t my fault but I have no more time to ask him questions as he drives up. I hold my breath but manage to look casual as Will tells him we were in Toronto to visit friends. Thankfully there’s no drama as the man lets us go. I wait for him to say something as he stares at the road ahead, driving toward the first toll. I’m relieved when he finally looks over at me and smiles.
“Welcome back baby,” he said, leaning towards me. I smile as I lean towards him and he kisses me. He pulls over at the first rest station and we both get out to stretch. We sit on the hood of his car and look up at the stars. He wraps his arms around me, kissing me behind the ear. It has been so long since I’ve felt this happy. No one else has ever been able to make me feel the way Will does. I remember my mother telling me that I was too young to know what love felt like, but she was so wrong. I knew I loved him from the deep, darkest depths of my heart. Every time he touched me my body tingled. I needed him, I loved him, I wanted him more then anything or anyone.
Arriving at his house, he unlocks the door then swoops me up into his arms. “We’re not married,” I laugh.
“We wouldn’t be any closer if we were,” he said as he kisses me. He sets me down inside. I take off my docs and flop down on his bed. He jumps down beside me.
“Now I’ve got you right where I want you,” he smirks as he grabs my wrists, pulling my arms above my head and kissing my neck.
“I’ve missed you, so much,” he said as he releases my hands and pulls my tee shirt up over my head. He smiles as he traces his fingers along my lace bra. He kisses me as I lay still in his arms. He is releasing me from all my recent anger, anxiety and pain. It’s all gone as he holds me close to him.
No one has ever been so gentle and so concerned with my feelings before. He touches me so sweetly, not wanting to rush anything, always looking into my eyes for any hesitation. I want him so much, all of him.
“Scarlett, did you sleep with the devil?” he asks as his hands rest on my hips. I know what he’s asking and I know I have to tell him the truth.
“I guess you could say that I did, you have no idea how sorry I am. I have a million excuses as to why, when you’re the only one I ever wanted. I was cold, I was angry, I was hungry. I hated myself. I am ashamed but you should know I was tested at one of the shelters, mandatory rule and I’m clean. At least physically,” I confessed, unable to hold back my tears of shame. I roll away from him, frightened by what he might say to me. I didn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes. I shuddered as I felt his hands on my back and his warm kisses on my neck again.
“Scarlett, I’m not an angel, all I know is that I love you. Nothing else matters now that you are here with me, in my room, you are mine and only mine,” he sighs as his hands explore my body. I try and hold back tears as my head begins to spin. I can't fight my exhaustion. It feels like a cleansing, a detoxification in my blood as his hands massage my muscles. I feel weightless and free.
“Sleep Scarlett,” I hear him whisper.
When I awake in the morning Will hands me a glass of water. I nod my thank you as I drink. My throat felt so dry. When I set the glass down I notice he’s naked except for a towel he has wrapped around him, hung low on his hips so that I can see his muscles and just a tiny bit of hair peeking through. He looks so good, I can’t take my eyes off him. He grins as he grabs me and picks me up, carrying me to the bathroom. Once he sets me down he turns on the shower as he looks at me with his deep seductive eyes, all seriousness replaced by need. He reaches for the back of my bra that I’m still wearing and unhooks it, dropping it to the floor. I giggle as he slowly lowers my panties. He reaches for my hand and leads me into the shower.
Once I’m in I tilt my head back to rinse my hair when I feel his big strong hands on my hips. I smile as I open my eyes to see him in front of me. He has a cloth that he’s lathering up with a lavender and peppermint scented soap. He’s grinning at me as he begins to wash my shoulders and arms. The cloth feels slippery and warm as he rubs my skin, moving down my sides, he bends to pick up one of my legs as I balance by leaning on the cool tiles, which feel good as his warm hand washes my calf and my shin, moving up to my thigh. I gasp as he lightly brushes against the part of my body that has begun to throb. He lowers my leg slowly then picks up the other one. With the same slow movements he glides back up to my thigh, teasing me as he washes my inner thigh again lightly grazing me. He sets my leg down then turns me around so I’m facing the tiles as he takes both my wrists in one of his hands and raises them above my head. With his free hand he scrubs my back in small circles, then his hand comes forward as he slowly begins to massage my breast, pulling lightly, making me shudder as his hand moves to the other one.
My body feels like it’s on fire, my breath catches, my stomach muscles clench and there’s a throbbing between my legs that I’ve never felt before. He can sense my fear and my desire growing. He doesn’t release my hands as he continues, lowering the cloth to my buttocks he rubs each one vigorously. I feel as if I’m going to explode, I can’t take much more of this, but he continues, moving the soapy cloth to my aching, throbbing area, he rubs it slowly then picks up speed. I cry out.
“Oh, stop,” I moan, unsure of what is happening in my body.
“Never,” he responds as the cloth falls away and his fingers continue their assault. I have never felt so much pleasure inside before, just when I think I can’t handle anymore he gives me more. I feel him inside me, slowly then faster as he continues to hold my hands above my head, he takes me while still rubbing till I can’t control my body anymore. I push against him as I cry out his name, my head spinning, gasping as I try and catch my breath, then I hear him moan as his body tenses against me. He releases my arms and I move from him, quickly turning to catch him smiling, almost laughing as he watches my expression change from confusion and shock to happiness. I'm enjoying the way I’m feeling, the way he made me feel. I wrap my arms around him, kissing his chest. I look up at him, he’s smiling down at me.
“Wow, what did you do to me?” I finally ask him. A proud smile crosses his face.
“I’ve never felt that way before, I’ve never felt so much all at once,” I whispered as I tried to figure out what he just did to me.
“Scarlett, that’s the way you’re suppose to feel when you love someone and they love you more. I must admit I am very pleased to be the one to give you your first orgasm,” he said with a grin kissing my nose. I smiled.
“Is that what it was?” I asked, shocked. I had never been told what actually happened, I mean I heard about it but I didn’t really know what it was or how it was suppose to feel.
“Yes angel, that is what it was and I plan on giving you more,” he said as he dries me off with a towel.
“I’m starving. Let’s go eat,” he said as I get dressed. I put on my jean shorts with the frayed edges, my black lace bra and my Depeche Mode tee shirt he’s been sleeping with. I comb my hair and put on my lipstick.
I watch him dress. He’s wearing the jeans he knows I love with the rip at the top of his thigh. He licks his lips as he notices I’m watching him. He’s shirtless as he moves closer to me. I place my fingers on his chest, tracing his tattoos as he kisses me, still needing me, still wanting me.
We spend the next few days completely alone. I’ve noticed that he meets with people at the door but he doesn’t invite them in. He has food delivered and he gives me all of his attention. My thirst for alcohol seems to have diminished significantly since I’ve arrived here, but he keeps me satisfied with his herbal remedies. I’m beginning to feel as though we’re in some kind of cocoon, I’m just afraid as to what we are going to emerge as. Will I fly away or will he destroy me.
CHAPTER NINE
“I think it’s time I shared you with the rest of the world again,” he moans one morning, as I roll out of bed. I light a smoke and put on his black hoodie.
“What do you have in mind?” I asked as I watch him dress. He grins as he looks at me. I love his grin. I love the way he looks into my eyes, seemingly serious then he smiles, his eyes never leaving mine. I love his eyelashes, his lips, his hair when its down, flopping to the side. I walk over to him and place my hands on his hips, breathing him in. He kisses my forehead. The knowledge that one day we will have to part is never far from my mind and I think never from his either. I know I’m going to miss his touch the most. I love the way he reaches for me, the way he moves closer to me. Even when he’s just resting a hand on my leg, sitting extra close or when were snuggled together at night.
“I was just going to invite some friends over tonight that I have been holding at bay for the last few days. This is kind of our hang out place so I guess I’ll let them in, as long as you don’t mind?” he asked, serious again, looking into eyes.
“That’s fine, I don’t mind,” I tell him.
His friends arrive after we’ve eaten dinner. Will has offered me his last bottle of vodka which I immediately start to consume. We share a few smokes and I’m finally beginning to relax. I tend to have a lot of anxiety when it comes to meeting new people. I recognize a couple of the guys from my last visit. They each come over and hug me. I am grateful for their welcoming of me into their group. The girls eye me up and down, which is fine, I’m used to that. I don’t dress the way I do not to attract attention. I have on my docs, black tights, red plaid skirt with the pins, a black lace bra and a tight white Syd Vicious tee shirt, which is actually one of my favorites. My long black hair is straight and I’ve managed to flatten my bangs into my Cleopatra look. My signature red lips and black eyeliner top off my evening attire. Buddy’s hair is still down, he wears the ripped jeans I love with his chains and a Clash concert tee.
The girls that arrived looked cute and tame, with their teased bangs and rubber bracelets. I am drawn to a couple of guys sitting by the stereo. I recognize one of them as Dave. I walk over and sit beside him. He seems thrilled by my company. He smiles brightly at me. A boy beside him looks up at me from the records he’s going through.
“Hi, you must be Scar, I’m Dustin,” he says as he opens up a Sex Pistols cover.
“Hi Dustin,” I said before lighting a smoke. I glance at the album pictures inside and laugh.
“Oh my God, I have never seen that one,” I blurt out as I lean in. He grins.
“Yeah, it’s pretty funny. It’s the Who Killed Bambi record. Seriously, you’ve never seen this?” he asked, moving closer to me, he shows me the photos. I glance up to see Buddy standing in front of us as the three of us are huddled together. I notice he’s glaring at Dustin.
“So, what’s going on down there?” he asked as he crouches down in front of me.
“Just looking at this record. I’ve never seen it before,” I said, surprised by his insecurity. He leans in and kisses me then stands and leaves us to continue our discussion. Dustin seems interested in where I’m from. He’s never left Buffalo before.
“The armpit of America,” he said proudly of his hometown. I laughed and told him it’s not so bad.
“Really, not so bad? What have you seen of this city?” he asked.
“I’ve taken the bus downtown, it looked nice,” I said slowly taking another drag. He laughed as he takes my offered smoke. I catch Buddy watching us from time to time, but I chose to ignore it. I don’t feel like talking to the girls. It doesn’t bother me that they keep wanting to get his attention and they seem to giggle at every word he says. I know he’s all mine.
It’s about three in the morning when only a few people remain, all pretty mellow. I lean against Buddy on the floor, his legs on either side of me, his hands on my thighs, the back of my head resting on his chest. I begin to trace the scars on his arms.
“How did you get these?” I asked.
“Most of them are self-inflicted. I used to play with knives,” he grinned.
“A few are from fights, broken glass,” he tells me.
“Why the self inflicted ones?” I asked, confused.
“Sometimes I just want to feel pain. Just to remind myself that I’m alive,” he confesses. He reaches for my chin, turning my head to look up at him.
“But when you’re here, I’m alive, I feel it,” he said, looking deep into my eyes. In that moment I wished we were alone. I turn and straddle him, kissing him harder than I ever have before. I feel him tense below me. He wants me too. He wraps his arms around me and I rest my head on his shoulder, letting the sudden urge of passion subside till later.
The next day he tells me he needs to go see his aunt in the hospital and he would like it if I joined him. He wants to introduce me to her. I haven’t met any of his family yet. I nod nervously.
“She took care of me when I was younger. After my Dad went missing, my mother wasn’t herself anymore, she changed. My aunt's terminal now, I don’t know how long she has left so I try and visit as much as possible. I’ve told her all about you,” he said, smiling.
“Really, all about me? I don’t think that was a good idea,” I grin as I reach for his hands, crossing our fingers together, he pulls me close.
He seems nervous as we enter the hospital. He directs me to the elevator. As we stand close, I can feel his fingers on my thigh, tingling my body. The elevator doors open before I have the chance to turn to him. He holds my hand tightly as we walk towards Helena's room. I’m feeling nervous now. He knocks on the open door and strides in, his beautiful smile directed at his aunt.
“Hi Helena, I’ve brought a visitor,” he said as he pulled me closer to him. I smile.
“Hi Scarlett Rayne, it’s so nice to finally meet you. I think I heard about you a year ago, I’ve been waiting for your return into Willem’s life,” she said, surprising me. She’s been waiting for my return into his life. I grin as I look at Buddy.
“I was too,” I said, as he squeezes my hand. I noticed her head was wrapped in a beautiful silk scarf and she has covered her hand that’s connected to her IV. I can tell she must have been beautiful, she has dignity.
“So Scarlett, how are you enjoying your stay in the United States? I hope you’ll consider staying longer this time,” she winks at me, as I see her press a pump beside her bed. A crease forms across her forehead, she’s in pain.
“I love being here, although I would love being anywhere if Willem was with me,” I tell her as I look into her eyes. I believe she can see my pain as plainly as I can see hers.
“Come here, come closer,” she orders. I release my hand from Buddy and walked over to her.
“Let me look at you,” she said as she sits up slowly. I stand in front of her as she places her hands on my arms then touches my cheeks.
“She’s so pretty Willem, like a fragile little bird, but there’s something else, something more. Appearances can be deceiving because I can see a fire just below the surface. She’s a fighter Willem. You have chosen well, regardless of what Levana thinks,” she said, staring at me. I try to turn to Buddy, wondering who Levana is, but she touches my cheek with her finger, turning me back to her. Looking into her eyes, I feel as though she is searching, looking for something. She knows our dilemma, she knows my fears. She can tell Buddy doesn’t want to let me go, but knows we have no choice. I smile as I lean over and hug her, feeling close to her suddenly, like
she is family. When I stand back up I glance at Buddy, his eyes have clouded, but as I smile at him he blinks, then smiles his adorable grin, walking closer to me.
“Well, I just wanted to introduce you to her, not delve into her deep dark heart,” he said in a doom and gloom voice. I laugh as I elbow him, remembering how I had once referred to my heart as black. I look back to Helena, she smiles as she closes her eyes. When she opens them Buddy is standing beside the bed, holding her IV free hand.
“We should go, let you sleep. I’ll be back soon auntie,” he whispers as she closes her eyes again.
“I love you Willem, protect your heart, protect Scarlett, she is the one, you have chosen well. The Chauderon elders approve,” she said as Buddy glanced at me, gesturing for the door.
“Oh Willem. Come here,” she asks him. He walks over as I wait by the door.
“Willem, she loves you but she’ll fly away and you will have to let her go, it will be the only way to protect her,” she warns him. I know I wasn’t meant to hear her, but I do. I hold my breath as I walk out of the room. Standing in the hallway, I rest my head against the cold cement wall and gasp. It’s not fair, I don’t want to fly away from him. I won’t. I feel Buddy’s hands on my shoulders. I turn quickly and hold him as close to me as I possibly can. I feel him wrap his arms around me, holding me firmly against him. He knows it to be true. I have so many questions for him but I just can't seem to ask. I don't want to know the answers right now, I just want to be with him and forget the world. I don't want to know who Levana is or who the Chauderon elders are. I don't want to know why Will has to protect me. I don't want to know why Will has chosen me or why Calvin thought I was carrying a son. I don't want to know why he wanted to kill it. I just want to be lost in Will and lost in the smoke he offers me.