Nameless

by Claire

  “Fine. You better be nice to me, you know. My hormones have been going crazy, so I might burst into tears at any second.”

  “I’ll tread lightly. Thanks for the warning.” It sounded like he might be smiling. “Does anyone else know about this yet?”

  She wondered how he’d known to ask that question. “Not yet. I’ve got to tell my dad and Liz this weekend. Everyone else...whenever.”

  “What will you tell people at work?”

  “I was thinking about that. I don’t want anyone to think there’s some sort of conflict of interest, with my working for the judge and being pregnant with your child, so I was hoping not to let people know—”

  “Yes,” Seth interrupted. “I agree. I’d rather not have it gossiped about all over the stratosphere anyway. We should keep this quiet, as much as possible.”

  She let out a relieved sigh.

  “Are you in a relationship with someone for which this will be a negative factor?”

  It was such an indirectly worded question that it took Erin a minute to figure out what he was asking. “Am I dating anyone, you mean? No. Not at the moment. And, with the way things normally go, probably not for a really long time.”

  “I guess being pregnant might discourage some men.”

  He sounded amused, so she responded in kind. “You’re one of those men, right? You’d never date a pregnant chick, would you?”

  “I don’t know—”

  She snorted.

  “Now who’s making hasty assumptions based on lack of evidence?”

  “What do you mean lack of evidence? I have the evidence of a whole line of gorgeous women you’ve dated for the last ten years. Not one of them was pregnant. That’s evidence coming out of the—”

  “All right. Enough.”

  She stopped talking automatically, and then was furious with herself for letting him tell her what to do, even in something so small.

  She was about to keep talking, merely to prove that she could, but her stomach started churning dangerously. “I’ll let you know about the next ultrasound. I’ve got to eat dinner or else I might throw up.”

  “Okay. Get something to eat. Keep me updated.”

  They hung up, and Erin took a deep breath before hauling herself to her feet. She was a little dizzy at first, so she kept breathing deeply, holding on to the arm of the couch for support.

  “Ridiculous,” she muttered faintly. “Why the hell am I doing this?”

  There was no answer. Not from her empty apartment. Not from her stomach. She couldn’t even answer the question for herself.

  She took a step toward the kitchen, resolving that tomorrow after work she’d make sure to eat something before she collapsed on the couch.

  On her fourth step, she realized she was too late, so she had a very unpleasant interlude dry heaving into a wastebasket.

  ***

  Two days later, she sat in her father’s warm, messy kitchen. She’d asked him to put up the dirty dishes, since seeing them now sometimes made her want to gag, but there were still books and papers scattered around, as well as piles of unopened mail.

  But that was just her father, and the sight of such sloppiness was familiar and reassuring.

  She’d just explained to him about her pregnancy and what her plans were for the future. Now she was sitting nervously, trying to study his face, praying he wouldn't be disappointed in her.

  Finally, he furrowed his brow. “You’re pregnant? By Seth Thomas? But you’re going to raise the child on your own?”

  She nodded, her throat closing up at his disbelieving tone. “I am. It was a really difficult decision, and I know it might be hard to understand. And I'm sure it’s not what you might have wanted for me.”

  She swallowed hard, feeling unexpectedly emotional. Hormones, probably. “But this is what I want to do, and I hope you know I didn’t go out and do something careless to get myself into it. I mean, we took precautions, but...” She hoped this would be enough explanation of that particular concern, because she really didn’t want to discuss condom failure with her father. “I know it might take a little while to get used to the idea, so you don’t have to say anything now if you don’t want to. I’m prepared to do this on my own. I’m not going to be expecting anyone’s help.”

  “On your own?” he repeated, his face still rather stunned.

  “I mean, Seth will be involved to a certain extent, but we’re not in a relationship and we’re not going to be. This is my thing, and I’m going to take responsibility for it.”

  Liz had been surprised but excited, which was what Erin had expected from her sister. But she hadn’t realized before just how desperately she wanted her father’s support in this too. She knew he loved her, but he’d always been traditional, and she was sure he’d never expected her to get into this kind of situation.

  Her face crumpled a little, but she forced herself to speak clearly. “I’ll understand if you need some time to adjust, but I hope you won’t be too disappointed in me.” She closed her eyes for a moment, feeling disgusted with herself for the unnecessary emotion.

  His face changed. Smoothed out. Something soft awoke in his eyes. “Disappointed? How could I possibly be disappointed? I’ve always been so proud of you. And now I’m going to have a grandkid.”

  And, for him, it was as simple as that.

  Three

  Erin lay on her couch, watching the muted television and thinking about Seth.

  He’d called her every evening at about this time for the last two weeks. After work, she’d talked to her dad, who’d gushed about the baby for fifteen minutes, and then she’d talked to Liz, who’d asked her a bunch of questions about her plans for childcare that had just upset her.

  But Seth hadn’t yet called.

  Finally, she picked up the phone and called him.

  He answered on the second ring, but his voice was muffled. “Thomas.”

  “Hey,” she said cheerfully, feeling a little nervous since she still wasn’t used to calling him up. “It’s Erin.”

  “Is everything all right?” he demanded, his voice still sounding thicker than normal.

  “Yeah,” she said, realizing that she must have startled him by calling out of the blue. “I was just checking in. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

  Seth definitely sounded odd, and she was starting to have the rather uncomfortable notion that she’d interrupted him during a bout of wild sex. It was a little early in the evening for that, but, still, his voice was definitely not normal.

  She tried to remember what he sounded like in bed. Realized the huskiness was vaguely familiar.

  Maybe that was why he hadn’t called this evening.

  “No,” Seth replied. “How are you?”

  Her eyes widened at the slightly disconnected response, but she replied naturally, “I’m fine. I’m so glad the first trimester is over. I’ve been feeling a lot better this week, and I’m not even as tired as I was before.”

  “Good.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You sound odd.” She tried to pin down what it was. She was still visualizing him naked in bed, which really wasn’t something she should think about. She definitely hoped he didn’t have a gorgeous, unclad woman next to him at the moment.

  His voice was cold when he replied, “I’m not.”

  And that should really tell her something, since—while cool and arrogant—it wasn’t an entirely coherent response.

  “Well, don’t get snippy. I’m just saying you sound odd. Are you sick?”

  “No.”

  And then suddenly Erin realized what it was. Would have figured it out immediately if she hadn’t distracted herself with the possibility of his having sex. “You’ve been drinking!”

  “No.”

  For some reason, his response made her chuckle. “Liar. I’ve seen you drunk, remember? It’s not something I’d readily forget.”

  “Did you call me up just to mock me?�
�

  Suppressing another laugh, she made an attempt to soothe his ruffled feathers. “No. I just don’t like to be lied to. You’re a grown man. You can drink if you want. And, if you’re stressed out about all this, then that’s fine too. If I could, I might occasionally drink myself into a stupor too.”

  “I had a couple of glasses of Scotch. I have not drunk myself into a stupor.”

  “Right,” Erin agreed, smiling into the phone. “You’re particularly lucid tonight. Just like you were before.” She paused for a moment. Then said carefully, “I know you didn’t plan on this whole thing and you were just hit with it without warning. You don’t have any obligation to be involved, you know.”

  Seth’s voice was gravelly when he replied, “We’ve already agreed. My involvement is clearly specified. You can’t try to talk me out of it now.”

  “I’m not trying to.” She realized in surprise that it was true. She didn’t even want to talk him out of it anymore. “Don’t get huffy. I just don’t want you to do it out of a sense of guilt and then brood about it. I’m perfectly capable of handling this on my own.”

  He didn’t answer immediately. Then he pronounced very distinctly, “I’m involved to the extent I want to be involved. I will tell you if that changes.”

  “Right. Good then.”

  To her own surprise and confusion, her primary reaction was relief.

  Which was the strangest thing, considering how much less complicated it would be if Seth would just back out completely.

  “In that case,” she continued, her voice considerably lighter, “You go right back to brooding darkly with your Scotch. I won’t bother you anymore.”

  Seth muttered something unintelligible—although it definitely sounded bad-tempered—and after a mumbled goodbye, he hung up.

  Erin was chuckling when she put down the phone and rolled off the couch. He hadn't really been drunk. She wondered if he was more worried than he acted about being a father. Wondered why it would bother him so much, since he wasn’t the one who would have to raise the baby.

  Although, thinking about how wretched his own upbringing had been, he had reason enough to be conflicted about having a child. Just the idea of family must be hard for him to wrap his mind around.

  He’d been alone for so long.

  Feeling suddenly glum, she got up to go to the bathroom. As she was washing her hands afterwards, she peered at herself in the mirror.

  Even in her pajamas and with messy hair, she realized that she looked pretty damned good.

  Who would have thought?

  She wore a green tank top, and her breasts were distinctly visible through the fabric. They’d definitely gotten fuller, and she admired the lush curves of them with an ironic kind of pleasure. There was a strip of her belly showing between the tank top and the waistband of her flannel pajama pants. Her belly was starting to poke out a little, but she still wore her normal clothes.

  She didn’t think people just looking at her would know she was pregnant.

  When she got to the point that everyone who saw her knew she was pregnant, Erin wondered if then she would finally start to connect with the reality of what was happening inside her.

  She knew it, of course. Had accepted it and was building her whole future around it now.

  But she still felt a little...disconnected.

  She rubbed her belly slowly. Tried to understand that there was really a baby in there.

  Gave up after a few minutes since she didn't feel any differently.

  Focusing instead on what was more concrete, she studied herself in the mirror. She actually looked really sexy. Even her skin was glowing the way people always said it would.

  Too bad no one was around to appreciate her gorgeousness.

  She felt a little edgy and restless. Wondered if it was simply because she was still hungry.

  Then, as she was washing her face, she realized what it was.

  She wanted to go out. On a date.

  The problem was finding someone to date. Interested men hadn’t been excessively available a few months ago. And, now that she was pregnant, they would likely be even harder to find.

  Sighing, she left the bathroom, giving her radiant reflection one last look.

  Feeling sexy wasn’t all the exciting if you were the only one around to enjoy it.

  ***

  The following week, Erin was changing clothes after work when she remembered to catch up on her voice mail.

  There was the daily message from her father—he called her at least once a day now.

  And then there was a message from Liz. “Hey,” came her familiar voice on the recorded message, “It’s me. And Seth, the asshole, has been checking you out. Call me.”

  That was all. Just like Liz. Say something so utterly provocative, and then just leave her hanging.

  Confused and a little anxious at what this might mean, Erin called Liz back immediately. “What are you talking about?” she demanded, as soon as she heard her sister pick up.

  Liz’s voice sounded very pleased with herself. She worked as a staff reporter at a local newspaper, and she always sounded this way when she'd uncovered an interesting story. “He got some sort of agency to do a full-fledged background check on you, and they’ve been digging up all kinds of information on you.”

  Erin felt suddenly breathless. “How do you know?”

  “Lisa Curtis called today and told me someone was asking around about you. So I did some checking.”

  Her heart drummed wildly, and she felt a little sick. "Well, I can understand. When he first found out, he would want to cover his bases—”

  "Nope. Just this weekend, they were talking to Mrs. Brown. You know, Dad’s neighbor? And they were asking her about Dad, not even about you. This is way more than covering his bases."

  Erin sighed deeply. She wasn’t really surprised. Just surprisingly disappointed. She’d finally started to believe that Seth was genuinely interested in just being involved, without taking control and without an underlying agenda.

  But she knew better than to have unwarranted faith in people.

  “Yeah,” Erin replied resignedly. “Thanks for telling me.”

  Erin sat down on the edge of her bed after they’d hung up and thought about it.

  Got angrier and angrier until she had to act.

  She reached for the phone. Then changed her mind.

  Got up, put on her shoes, and grabbed her coat.

  Marcus used to do things behind her back too. Make plans. Make decisions. Not tell her until it was too late. It was another way to control her.

  A year into their marriage, she’d started volunteering at a community center, mostly for something constructive to do with her time, and she’d begun to take the lead in organizing a big book drive. He’d surprised her with a two week vacation to Europe, having planned the whole thing without consulting her and telling her only on the morning they were supposed to fly out. She couldn’t do the book drive, obviously, since she was gone the two weeks she would have needed to plan it.

  Everyone thought she had the best husband in the world.

  She couldn’t let it happen again. She couldn’t even let it start.

  So she needed to find out what Seth was doing. Right now. For sure.

  He was going to give her an explanation.

  ***

  When Erin arrived at Seth’s apartment building, she was made to wait down in the lobby for a few minutes while the doorman called up to see if she was allowed in.

  Apparently, Seth was home tonight and was willing to see her.

  He met her in the entry hall, wearing a slightly wrinkled dress shirt and a pair of black trousers. He’d evidently taken off his tie and suit jacket, as well as his shoes and socks.

  For some reason, the sight of his bare feet made her chest clench.

  Staring at her in astonishment, Seth demanded, as soon as she entered, “Is everything all right?”

  “No, it’s not. I came over to see why yo
u were spying on me.” Her voice wasn’t particularly loud or heated, but it was certainly abrupt.

  “What?”

  “All the information you’ve dug up on me, all those people they’ve talked to, asking about me. And about my innocent dad! I could maybe understand looking into some basic background information when you first found out about the pregnancy, but this is going too far.”

  Seth’s face changed. “I see. Of course, you're angry. Would you like to come in and talk about it?”

  And that question, combined with his placid expression, was perhaps the most infuriating thing he could have said. “No, I would not! I want some answers.”

  He seemed to have recognized her state of mind because his next response was much less maddening. “Yes, I’ve been investigating you.”

  Erin unclenched her jaw slightly. At least he was admitting it.

  Then he added, “Are you surprised?”

  She took a couple of deep breaths, remembered that she had resolved to be reasonable and not jump to any conclusions. She clearly wasn’t succeeding in that endeavor very well, so she tried even harder to force her confusion and panic down. “Not surprised but really offended. You’ve been pretending to accept the pregnancy, all the while going behind my back. Plotting and scheming who knows what.”

  Her voice got too shrill at the end—another sign that she was too emotional. She had to get her fears under control. She didn’t have the answers yet, and everything wasn’t falling apart just because of this one thing.

  “What do you think I’m plotting and scheming about?” Seth asked, looking genuinely curious.

  His calm made her feel even more out of control. ‘I don’t know. That’s the problem. It’s enough that you’ve underhandedly violated my privacy. I would have willingly told you anything you wanted to know. I don’t have any deep, dark secrets.”

  “I’m starting to believe that, and I’m at the point of calling an end to the investigation. But this is a risky situation for me. I had to be careful. You understand that I can’t let myself get used.”

  “Neither can I.”

  They stared at each other for a minute, neither backing down from the silent confrontation.