Kiss My Ash

by Leddy Harper

  Again, he refused to make eye contact, which only made the anxiety worse. Bile crept up the back of my throat and then burned my esophagus when he said, “I told him to go for it.” He clenched his jaw, finally returning his gaze to my face, although now, I didn’t want him to see me. I didn’t want him to witness the confusion and betrayal in my eyes. Regardless, he saw it, and then added, “It’s fucked up, isn’t it?”

  “That you told your dad to ask me out and then turned around and told me that you will continue to be there for me? Do right by me? Support me and look out for my best interest when no one else will? Yeah, Ash…that’s pretty fucked up.”

  He hesitated for a moment, head tilted as though he’d misunderstood me, gaze narrowed like he tried to see my thoughts through my eyes. Then he shook it off with a sigh. “No, Kristy. That’s not what I meant. I told him to go for it, because I stupidly believed you’d turn him down. That’s the fucked-up part I was talking about. I mean, you’ve told me we can’t be together, you’ve given me your reasons, yet I thought we really had something—at the very least, enough that would make you not want to date my dad.”

  I scanned the pool area, peeking through the slats in the gate to ensure no one was on their way up. Once I felt confident that we were alone, and would continue to be for at least a few more minutes, I stood in front of him and ran my hands along his hard, bare sides. Not only did he have a voice so deep it could’ve belonged to a grown man and a body to match, but he also had the height that made it easy to forget his age.

  “Ash, your dad never stood a chance. You wanted to know if he asked me out, which he did. But that doesn’t mean I told him yes.”

  The orange flares in his brown eyes intensified as he held me captive by his gaze. “Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?”

  “I didn’t think I needed to. Even if nothing ever came of us, it would be too weird. You’ve described at least four places on my body you planned to put your tongue. There’s no way I could go on a date with your dad after hearing all the ways you intend to make me scream your name.”

  A growl furled in his chest, though he didn’t say anything.

  “Not to mention, I’ve already told you that I don’t date.”

  He hauled my body into his, and for the first time, I could feel his physical desire for me. It was wrong, and it left me envisioning handcuffs—not the good kind—but I was wanton and confused, unable to push him away.

  “You’re going to need to get over your issue with dating.” His deep timbre gripped me like a boa constrictor, refusing to let go until my lungs were devoid of air and my brain lacked sufficient oxygen to function properly. Then he leaned forward and dropped his voice to a husky whisper, adding, “Because, in eleven days, I’m going to date the fuck out of you.”

  Had a car not driven by at that moment, there was no telling what I would’ve allowed him to do to me.

  * * *

  My mind had been all over the place today.

  Every ten seconds, I thought about it being Ash’s eighteenth birthday. Then I questioned why it mattered, to which I still hadn’t come up with a logical response. It wasn’t like we could now sleep with each other, because we could’ve done that all along—after he had told me about the age of consent, I did more research than what was considered normal. And it definitely wasn’t because we could now be together, considering he still had one more year of high school to complete.

  I stood in front of the mirror, combing my wet hair, and shook my head. “You’re an idiot,” I whispered to my reflection. Two months ago, I felt dirty for contemplating the idea of sleeping with a twenty-two-year-old. And now, I acted like a relationship with an eighteen-year-old was okay as long as he had graduated.

  It worked out that he was at his mom’s house, because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stay away from him had he been home. And now I just needed to go to sleep so this day would be over. Will would be back tomorrow, which would at least get me through the weekend without seeing Ash. If I could just make it to Monday, I’d be able to come up with a new plan.

  As I made my way to the kitchen to turn off the light, a knock came from the front door. I froze in the middle of the living room with my heart in my throat. The clock on the wall over the TV showed it was only eight thirty, which meant there was only one person this could be—even though I desperately prayed UPS had gotten behind on deliveries. Not that I had ordered anything, but stranger things had happened…such as developing feelings for high school student.

  I must’ve spent too long staring at the door rather than answering it, because another knock resounded, more forcefully this time. It commanded me to move until I had the deadbolt disengaged and the door wide open.

  Even though I already knew Ash was on the other side, finding him standing there ignited a war within me. While I had told myself I didn’t want to see him, I was both relieved and excited that he had shown up. On the other hand, his presence pissed me off. I still fought against my feelings for him, and having him so close only made things worse.

  “I thought you were at your mom’s today?” I asked, remaining in the doorway so he couldn’t come inside.

  “I just got back.”

  I tried to recall his text from yesterday—one of the many I never responded to—when he’d told me about his plans to see his mom, as well as Will’s schedule. “Oh, I guess I thought you were staying there.”

  “No, just spent the day with her, and then we went out for dinner. I left from the restaurant.” He smiled and lifted one eyebrow with silent expectation. “You going to invite me in, or are we just going to stand here all night?”

  “Why would I do that?” It was a ridiculous question—the answer was obvious.

  “To wish me a happy birthday.”

  “I already did. Earlier today, when I sent you a text that said happy birthday. I even added a balloon and cake emoji. It was very festive.”

  Ash dropped his chin while his shoulders shook with soft laughter. The smile still lingered on his lips when he glanced up, and the humor in his eyes nearly hypnotized me. “I only want to talk, Kristy. I swear. For the last month, we’ve been at a standstill, unable to discuss anything or figure out what’s next. This is the first chance we have to do that, and since I’ve been waiting two months to get to this day, I’m too impatient to wait any longer.”

  We both knew I wouldn’t turn him away, even if he hadn’t said all that.

  I stepped to the side and gave him space to come in, sweeping my gaze along the street to make sure no one was watching. And as soon as he cleared the doorway, I practically slammed it shut, as if I couldn’t close it fast enough.

  “Are you thirsty?” I didn’t wait for his response before heading to the kitchen. I was a nervous wreck. Jumpy and fidgety didn’t begin to cover the extent of it. There was just something about Ash—more importantly, his presence—that turned me into a bumbling idiot, and I doubted that was a good thing.

  “No, but thank you.”

  I rinsed out a cup that was in the sink, even though there was a cabinet full of them that were already clean. Not to mention, this one only had water in it. But apparently, I needed something to do, so I washed a cup. “You sure? I believe Emma left some soda in there; although, I think it might be diet.”

  “Kristy…” Ash’s gravelly voice drifted into my ear from behind, so close I imagined he stood with his nose in my hair. That thought made my body flush with the heat of his chest against my back, and the nerve endings at the base of my spine misfired at the slightest touch that grazed my hip.

  I slowly turned my head to peer over my shoulder, expecting to find his eyes inches away. I anticipated the warmth of his breath fanning my face with his mouth within reach of my own. And like an addict, I pulled in a deep breath, awaiting the satisfying hit of his rustic scent.

  Except, when my sight landed on him, I was surprised—and embarrassed—to find him no less than five feet away. Apparently, wishful thinking could
do a lot in respect to making someone believe a hot guy hovered behind her, trailing his fingertips along her side. When in reality, he was across the damn room.

  Either he was a mind reader, or I hadn’t done a very good job of hiding my thoughts, because his eyes lit up, and the corners of his mouth curled even more. “Kristy, I don’t want anything to drink. I just want to talk. There’s no need to get nervous or start doing ten million things. Let’s just take a seat on the couch and figure this out.”

  I nodded, set the cup back in the sink, and then followed him to the living room.

  My couch wasn’t very big, so even if I chose to sit as far away from him as I could, that still only put one cushion between us. And at this point, that was not enough space. I debated sitting across the room from him, though decided against it. After all, it was his birthday. No need to alienate him on the one day a year that was his.

  “How have you been?” My question was laughable at best, but I wasn’t any good at approaching a conversation that needed to be had, or one I already expected would come. It wasn’t like I could just jump in and read from my list of reasons why we couldn’t be together.

  “I’d be a hell of a lot better if you’d just give in already.”

  “I’m sure you would, but if I do, you’ll only want more. It’s the more I can’t give you.”

  He shifted in his seat to angle his body toward mine. “What do you mean?”

  “If we have sex, just go at it like we’ve wanted to all along to get it out of our systems, you’ll want the next step. You’ll want to talk on the phone all night like we used to, go out, spend time together. And after that, you’ll want a commitment, a title. I can’t do those things, Ash. Sex…sure. The rest? No.”

  I loved intimacy, every aspect of it, yet having a baby and dropping out of high school hindered my desire for it. The longing had always been there. The excitement over giving in to the carnal need had never diminished. So, if I knew that was all he was after, I’d take him by the hand and lead him to my room right now. Unfortunately, he’d made it very clear that wouldn’t be enough.

  “How can you say you don’t want all those other things with me? You had no problem with it before, so how can you say you don’t want it now?”

  “You’ve somehow fooled yourself into believing that turning eighteen makes everything all right. But it doesn’t. Someone my age shouldn’t be with a high school student, legal adult or not. Maybe you just refuse to admit it. Maybe you’re more stubborn than I thought. Either way, no one will accept it or even give us the chance to explain before they condemn us. No matter how you spin it, you’ll be the victim, and I’ll always be the villain.”

  He dropped his head into his hands with his elbows dug into the tops of his thighs. And without thought, I was out of my seat, moving to the coffee table where I perched myself on the edge in front of him.

  I ran my fingers through his soft hair, and then cradled the sides of his head as I brought my face closer, burying my nose in the clean scent of his shampoo. In that moment, there was no such thing as age, school, reputations or consequences.

  It was only Ash and me.

  “I can’t change the way people will react.” I closed my eyes and prayed he would see this from my perspective. “No matter what we do or say, no one will understand. We could put a concrete wall between us until you graduate, never touch or even speak to each other, and no one would pay attention to that part—they’d only notice the intentions. They’ll believe our relationship started earlier, and then they’ll compare us to every other story about an adult preying on a minor.”

  He dropped his hands to my legs, then slowly ran his palms up my thighs until he held onto my hips. Gripping me with desperation, he dragged me forward, nearly pulling me off the table. And with his eyes on mine, my fingers linked behind his neck, he whispered, “Then what’s the plan?”

  I’d spent weeks telling myself he didn’t mean anything to me, that this attraction between us was merely physical and couldn’t possibly carry any emotional depth. I was aware those were all lies, which had been one of the reasons I’d avoided him and refused to answer his calls and texts. But now, being this close to him, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore.

  In a move so smooth it was like I’d done it a million times, I pushed him back while crawling onto his lap, straddling his thighs. It was wrong, and I knew it, though I couldn’t resist the pull any longer.

  Running the pad of my thumb along his eyebrow, I held his stare and said, “We wait until graduation. From now until then, we keep things similar to how they’ve been for the last several weeks. Once you’re out of high school, we can figure out where we go from there.”

  “Fuck that.” He gripped my ass and held me closer. “I can’t do that, Kristy. This past month has been torture. After having you in my life and getting to know you, I don’t want to spend another day apart. I barely survived five weeks of you ignoring me; I can’t go another nine months of the same.”

  “We don’t have to ignore each other. We just can’t do this.” I rocked against him to indicate our situation. It wasn’t meant to be sexual, yet that didn’t stop the ache between my legs from awakening. I tried to push it to the back of my mind and finish what I had to say—what he needed to hear. “We can’t do anything that could get us caught or raise suspicions. Doing that will only make things harder in the long run—impossible, even.”

  “Last I checked, there’s not a neon sign above my head, flashing ‘high school student’ in lights. And I know I don’t have as much real-world experience as you, but I’m willing to bet people don’t just go up to each other and ask if they’re still in school.”

  “Right…but what if someone sees us? Like a teacher or friend?”

  “This isn’t the only town on Earth, Kristy. And in case you forgot, we’ve already gone out together. Guess what? No one caught us. No one said anything. It’s possible to have both…if that’s what you want. We can be together without anyone finding out. But only if you want it.”

  If I just listened to him—his words, his voice—I could believe anything he told me. But eventually, he would have to take a breath, and all I needed was two seconds before the negative thoughts returned. The voices in my head that worried too much about things that didn’t matter, such as what other people would say. And considering Ash couldn’t talk nonstop, there was no way he could silence those fears forever.

  “Tell me you want it, Kris.” His voice was so low, so gravelly it made me want to give him anything he asked for. He leaned forward just enough for his breath to coat my lips. “All you have to do is admit it. We can figure out the rest later. But we can’t do anything until you tell me if this is what you want.”

  The electricity between us was too much to handle. I closed my eyes and nodded, then waited for his mouth to find mine. My body burned with desire, the ache he’d created over the last two months threatening to explode if not tamed soon. And then, I felt it—the spark along my lower lip from the faintest graze of his imminent kiss a split second before his mouth covered mine.

  While he kissed me, I became engrossed in comparing my fantasies to reality. His lips were unexpectedly soft, though they were just as warm as I had imagined. I’d always known his palms were rough, yet to actually feel them grate along my lower back beneath my shirt didn’t come close to what I’d envisioned while touching myself, pretending my fingers were his. And oddly enough, not once had I ever contemplated the rumbles in his chest or the growl embedded in his throat when I parted my lips.

  He leaned back, pulling me with him. The slight shift in our position hit me in the perfect spot, causing me to roll my hips into him. His breathing grew harsher, and I couldn’t help but notice how rigid his muscles had become. As I melted into him, I lowered my arms from around his neck, my fingers creating a trail from his shoulder to his hard chest. Every touch remained feather light while his grip on me grew stronger. However, his lips were soft and gentle as he explored my mout
h with his tongue. It was sensual, something I’d never had before. But the longer he kept it up, the more impatient I became.

  He broke our connection to catch his breath. The separation left me desperate, to the point I would’ve rather gone without air as long as I had his lips on mine. I’d never been kissed like that in my life. Even though it’d been a while since I’d lost myself in another man’s affection, my desires had nothing to do with missing that aspect of a relationship. The longing that consumed me had been created by Ash—no one or nothing else.

  He had me panting with need, unable to think about anything other than coming undone in his arms. And to make my desires known, I rocked into him harder while moaning, “Don’t stop.”

  “Tell me you want this—me, us.”

  I nodded just as a whimper stretched past my lips.

  “No, Kris. Say it. Tell me, and I won’t stop.”

  His promise covered me with heat that settled into my core. My pulse throbbed between my legs, creating an almost unbearable ache. His words, voice, touches, kisses…they had turned me into some love-struck teenager, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it.

  “I want this. I want you—us, everything. Please, Ash…”

  His erection grew harder against me, right where I needed him most. I ground my core against his arousal and fought to quiet my guttural moans. Yet I wouldn’t be satisfied until I tasted him again. So, I brought my hands to his face and all but told him what I craved.

  “Kris…fuck, babe…” His breathless words trailed off in warning across my lips.

  His throaty voice, filled with faltering restraint, amplified the ache between my legs that only he could relieve. “Ash…” The only thing I could get out was his name, which rolled off my tongue in a pleading moan.

  Before I could attempt to form any more words, he silenced me with his mouth. But unlike last time, these kisses were fevered. The intensity rushed through my body, igniting me from the inside out. My nipples pebbled beneath my T-shirt, and the nerves at the apex of my thighs pulsated with need.