(Glory St Clair 11) Real Vampires Say Read My Hips

by Gerry Bartlett

“Calm down, Gloriana. I had to do something. You were acting like a love sick teenager. About to make one of the biggest mistakes of your long life. I couldn’t let you tie yourself to that fang wearing monster.” Mother stamped her foot, filled with righteous indignation. Like she was the wronged party. “Where’s your gratitude?”

  “Gratitude? For you ruining everything?” I’m sure my face was strawberry red. Damn. I should have tasted… No. “Jerry’s not a monster and I love him, Mother. If you were eavesdropping then you know he was buying me a home, planning a dream honeymoon.” I looked down and realized Mother had pulled one of her tricks and I was now wearing a toga like hers. My shoes had disappeared and delicate silver sandals sat on the floor next to the bed. “What more do you want from him?”

  “I want him to be worthy! I want him to be a god! You are the granddaughter of the greatest god of all. You should have an arranged marriage. Zeus will know who best to have you marry. Let me plan all of this to your advantage, Gloriana.” Mother paced the carpet. She frowned and the handmaiden suddenly appeared long enough to collect the broken dishes and tray. The stains magically disappeared.

  “You’re insane. I will never marry anyone else. I could barely convince myself to marry Jerry and I’ve loved him for centuries.” I stomped around the room. It was filled with collectibles that made my resale shop roots quiver. I could make a fortune from this bedroom alone. Oh, who was I kidding? It would take a miracle to get out of here with my skin whole. I’d certainly never be able to take any trinkets with me. Though that vintage snuff box…

  “Gloriana, you are thinking like a shop keeper. I can’t tell you how that dismays me.” My mother laid her hand on my back. “When I remember how you’ve had to scramble to earn your own living all these years, it makes me so terribly sad.”

  “Yeah, well, it made me strong too, Mother. I’m not apologizing for it. I have a nice little business. I wouldn’t have to scramble if you’d toss down a few of these goodies once in a while.” I heard myself and stopped. Money. I was getting obsessed with it. That had to stop. I was about to ruin another relationship over it. Mine with my mother, mine with Jerry. “Forget it. The main thing is that you don’t want me here. It will get you in trouble with your father. Let’s go. Back down to Earth. I’ve come here so you got your wish. I even drank some chocolate. But I feel weird, off kilter. My vampire nature is too much a part of me now. I can’t just forget it and become a goddess like you want me to be.”

  It was the truth. I felt the loss of my fangs constantly, my tongue searching for them and coming up empty. It was uncomfortable. Creepy. Depressing.

  “You haven’t seen anything, darling. I have two precious boys. Your brothers. You must meet them while you’re here. You want that, don’t you?” Mother settled into a chair. “And, don’t be stubborn, check out the closet. I’ve picked out a fabulous wardrobe for you. The toga is just for court appearances. I had the best time shopping. Look in the mirror. How do you like your new body? I couldn’t decide on a two or a zero. I settled on a two. Zeroes tend to have skinny arms, don’t you think?”

  I swallowed, suddenly queasy. Look in the mirror. Okay. So a goddess could see her reflection. There was a large full-length hanging on one wall next to that set of double doors. I’d never even glanced at the mirror because I was out of the habit.

  “Two? Like a size two?” I glanced down. The toga didn’t give me much of an idea of my actual size but I could tell I wasn’t Glory as usual. I could see my silver painted toenails past my trimmer boobs. Wow. I couldn’t remember ever seeing my toes without putting my feet up.

  I sat on the side of the bed, dizzy. What the hell had she done? My size twelve and double D’s were me. Sure they were bigger than I’d always dreamed of being. But I was comfortable with them. Jerry’s exes had tended to run in the size six range. A two? No way I could…

  “Relax, darling. If you want something else, you have only to snap your fingers and picture it. It’s what goddesses can do, you see. It’s a wonderful skill.” Mother was in her element. She’d picked up a large wooden box and now sat with it open in her lap. “I have a jewelry collection here as well. I’m very partial to earrings. Large dangly ones because they show up so well when we have long hair, don’t you agree?” She held up a pair of pearl and diamond drops. “I think these are sweet.”

  Sweet? They could have financed a revolution in a third world country. I grabbed my own earlobes, comforted by the feel of the dangling sapphire and diamond drops Flo had given me when Jerry and I had announced our engagement. I got up on wobbly legs to see… A glance in the mirror said they were exactly as Flo had described them and matched my eyes perfectly. I drew closer to that mirror, shocked down to my bare toes. Oh. My. God.

  The blond staring at me could not be Gloriana St. Clair. Simply could not be. Sure, I had a computer that let me see myself when I put on makeup, but now… I had the same blue eyes and my face was a similar shape, but hello cheek bones! And look at my pretty sculpted chin and delicate bone structure. My extra pounds had done a good job of disguising what was clearly a petite frame too.

  “Mother!” I turned to face her.

  “Too much? I can make you a six. Or do it yourself. Go ahead. Think and snap. It’s a game you can play. Size yourself.” She was busy trying on necklaces. Heavy gold chains draped her neck and she now wore a plain linen sheath in cream to show off the jewelry.

  “No! I’m perfect.” I blinked when she blurred. Stupid, crying over the way I looked. Jerry didn’t care. He loved my curves. I looked down. I bet I was no more than a B cup now, less than a handful, he’d say. I ran my palms down my flat stomach. I could feel my hip bones, wear a bikini. Even—

  “So I’m really not vampire up here? I could see the sun?”

  “Of course, Gloriana. If you chose to visit Earth in this form. We don’t bother with day, night, or weather up here. Except when we’re using certain elements as weapons like those lightning bolts you’ve seen some of the gods toss around, including me when I’m angry.” Mother shuddered. “Zeus can make it storm over your head like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve been soaked to the skin more than once when I displeased him.”

  “I guess a bad temper runs in the family.” I couldn’t resist saying that.

  Mother ignored me and glanced around. “I have us in a safe place here but we must move fast and get you in front of my father. Like I told you, you are the image of my mother. In court dress with your hair down, I’m sure you will melt his heart.” She bit her lip. “Of course my parents are not always happy with each other.” She shrugged. “No, I just know he will be thrilled to have another child to indulge. Father is very family oriented.”

  “Think, Mother. You sound unsure. This could be a disaster in the making. For both of us. Take me home.” But I couldn’t resist stepping through those double doors and into the closet. It stretched before me until it ended in an angled three way mirror. Color coded dresses, skirts, blouses and pants were evenly divided down most of the sides though there was a dazzling array of shelves holding handbags and designer shoes. I was drawn in almost against my will. I had to touch the silks, stroke the fine leathers.

  “Not yet. Look at you. This closet alone is worth the trip. I have pleased you. You are crying with joy.” She was right behind me, almost breathing down my neck. Not that I could smell her over the scent of new fabric. It had always been like an aphrodisiac to me. A rare and wonderful fragrance that could get me higher than—

  I whirled around. “No! I am crying because you are trying to manipulate me. My own mother. Using the very things I love to try to lure me away from everything I ever wanted or needed.” I backed up, but she stayed right with me. “Without the man I love and my friends, this is meaningless. I can’t be bought!”

  “Calm down, Gloriana.” Mother nodded toward the shoes. Every name brand I’d ever coveted was well represented. “Try something on.”

  “No! I won’t stay here. I love Jerry. I want my man and
my fangs back. My friends. Please, Mother. Let me go.” We were nose to nose. Which made me very uncomfortable. Her power pushed me back and I stumbled, landing on a padded bench set in the middle of the massive closet. A place to sit when I slipped on the fabulous Gucci slingback with the double “G”s on the high heels. No, I didn’t want to even see them. I stared up at a delicate pink Murano glass chandelier. Maybe it was childish but I was making a point.

  “Gloriana, you’re not going back. Not until we have arranged the meeting with your grandfather. After that, we will see. You may not want to return to that mundane little life you’ve created down there.” My mother sat beside me. “Listen to me and listen well. Your very existence depends on it. We will be going before Zeus in a few hours. My handmaidens will prepare you. Hair, makeup, the works. You’ll look better than you ever have. I will tutor you. Tell you what to say. You will not mess this up, Daughter.”

  “I told you--” I froze and it wasn’t by choice. She had a silver painted nail pinned on my forehead.

  “Enough. You will tell me nothing. This is about my survival too. Obey me. No more questions or complaints.” She shook her head. “I cannot believe your stubbornness. It must come from your father.”

  I really wanted to know more about this mysterious father of mine. She’d claimed once that I was the result of a fling with a mortal male. But knowing her as I did now, I doubted she’d stoop so low. Was it one of the gods here? I saw her eyes narrow, obviously reading my mind. She rose with a swish of her toga. And wasn’t that telling? I could move again and stood on shaky legs.

  “What now?” I followed her out of the closet.

  “You will be bathed, plucked, shampooed and fluffed to within an inch of your life.” She clapped her hands and a trio of handmaidens appeared. More double doors were flung open and I could see an ornate bathroom at the other end of the room.

  “A spa day in Olympus.” I couldn’t muster up any enthusiasm. Because I knew at the end of all these treatments I’d have to face the head honcho himself. How would he react to the secret baby scenario? Would he shoot us down on the spot? Or worse—decide to make me his new favorite? Which would make it almost impossible for me to get back where I belonged.

  “Gloriana, trust me to make this work out for the best.” My mother nodded and the trio of brunette toga-wearing clones grabbed me and tugged me toward the bathroom.

  “Trust you. Sure, Mother. While I’m doing this, why don’t you check your own closet for that Mother of the Bride dress?” I knew I sounded bitter and rightly so. Those were my last words before I was stripped and gawked at. No worries. My perfect new body was something to be proud of, though apparently it still had a way to go to meet the high standards of Olympus. I was scrubbed, waxed and polished to a high gloss.

  I thought of Jerry as I suffered for beauty. He’d love the new Brazilian wax job. And my smooth legs and heels. Yes, vamps didn’t age and we had the overnight healing thing, but I’d never been perfect. Now, looking in the mirror as I was draped with the white silk toga, I felt like I was getting there. My hair was a golden cloud around my shoulders and even my eyebrows had been waxed into perfect arches. Makeup had been used with a deft hand and looked natural, giving me a dewy flush on my cheeks.

  “Here, wear this.” My mother pinned a diamond brooch on my shoulder. I recognized it as one she usually wore on her own toga. Today she had fastened hers with a larger one resembling the sun. Yellow diamonds made up the burst of glittering stones. “I am very pleased.”

  “I admit I’ve never felt beautiful, until now.” I turned around in front of the mirror. I couldn’t get over the novelty of seeing my reflection. I’d never been satisfied with myself. Now? Thanks to my mother’s magic, I was perfect.

  “You are beautiful. Zeus has to love you on sight.” My mother took a breath and I swear she was nervous. This was a new look on her.

  “And if he doesn’t?” I took her hand. It was icy. “What will he do to you? To us?”

  “I can’t imagine and don’t want to. Let’s get this over with. Too many people are aware I’ve brought you here. My handmaidens are sworn to secrecy on pain of death, but that doesn’t mean someone hasn’t noticed the activity around my chambers.” She squeezed my fingers then drew away from me. “Come on. Just follow my lead. Say nothing. If he asks you a direct question, answer briefly. For both our sakes, do not say the ‘v’ word.”

  “Deny what I’ve been?” I stayed on her heels as she led the way across the bedroom to yet another set of double doors. I was finally going to get to see the rest of Olympus. I couldn’t say I was eager. The gods and goddesses I’d met so far were volatile and terrifying. What kind of place produced such creatures?

  “Of course you’ll deny it! He can read your mind but I hope he’ll be so dazzled by your resemblance to Mother that he’ll forget to do it. Concentrate on your surroundings. On the splendor. On your grandfather’s magnificence. Push away any thoughts of your past. It is for the best. Trust me on this.” She stopped with her hand on the doorknob, her face pale. “Swear you will do as I ask. On your lover’s life.”

  “God, Mother. You are seriously freaking me out. Are you threatening Jerry?” I swallowed, queasy and sure I was as pale as she was.

  “If that’s what it takes. This is no time to be jockeying for your ridiculous independence, Gloriana. Zeus considers women vassals, useful for making alliances.” She put up her hand when I started to object. “Spare me. I know it’s an antiquated notion. It is why he and my mother are always at war. Do you see me acting like an oppressed helpmate to some man? Of course not.” Her laugh was more than a little tinged with bitterness. “Even if I saw my husband more than once a decade, I would not bow down to him. It is not in me. Am I not Zeus’s daughter? But I’ll certainly not flaunt my attitude in front of my father. It would only serve to stir his temper.” She shuddered. “We do not want to do that.”

  “I get it. Zeus mad is a disaster.” I squeezed her shoulder. “I’ll behave if you promise to leave Jerry alone.”

  “As long as your behavior pleases me, your vampire lover is safe from my wrath. As for your grandfather..? Keep in mind that Zeus mad is more than a disaster, it’s a tsunami, a cataclysm, the annihilation of a planet, Gloriana.” She took a breath. “Now we must delay no longer.” She flung the door open and we were on a path. Paved with gold. Yep. The real deal. It gleamed beneath our feet. The grout looked like diamonds. The twinkling effect dazzled me. I was tempted to reach down just to feel…

  “Look straight ahead. We must act like we are out for a stroll, at ease here.” Mother took my arm, guiding me to the right when the path branched. “Oh, look, there’s a play going on. As an actress, it might interest you to know that the gods and goddesses enjoy creating their own productions.” She waved at someone on the stage. It was a costume drama, the look similar to one from Shakespeare’s time. Either it was a dress rehearsal or no one cared that the audience consisted of just a handful of people sitting at tables enjoying a meal and drinking what looked like goblets of wine.

  “Everyone here is so, um, beautiful.” I couldn’t help but stare, especially at the men. They were in skimpy garb, Trojan maybe. Jerry had worn that type of short leather loin cloth for Halloween and it showed off perfect male physiques. “But they seem bored.”

  “Yes, well, unless there’s a fight going on, perfection can get old after a while.” My mother hurried me past the audience when someone turned to stare at us. “I’m afraid you’ve been recognized. We don’t have cell phones up here, but mental telepathy is even faster. The word is going out that I have a new friend who looks a lot like me. This isn’t helping. Hold on, I’m going to have to take us there another way.”

  I swallowed. Then everything around us disappeared. I got a strange feeling which I recognized. I’d dematerialized before but only for a second. That had been in an emergency. I guess Mother considered this one. She held onto me as we settled into a new room. I knew as soon as things came
into focus that this must be the throne room. There was a large gilded chair set on a dais in front. Mother sighed audibly when we saw that the chair was empty.

  “He’s late.” A man spoke from behind us. “What or who have you brought him, Hebe?”

  “Shut up, Dionysus. And get away from me with that wine. You’ve ruined too many of my togas already.” Mother shoved his arm away.

  “My, aren’t you in a mood. And I can see why.” The man who was handsome even though he had bloodshot eyes, snapped his fingers and a man in the crowd around him took his goblet. “Who is this tidbit who looks the image of you? A by-blow? Did you forget to tell dear old Dad about her perhaps?”

  “Go away before I tell our father that you are the one who got his favorite mistress with child during your last debauch.” Mother whirled to face him. “You want to face his wrath? It would suit me very well to have him spend it on you instead of me.”

  “Calm down. I don’t know where you get your information but the woman isn’t expecting anything more than another visit from our father when he finds the time. We shared some wine and a good time. I know how to prevent complications. Unlike you it seems.” The man backed away. “You can be such a bitch. Go ahead, introduce your little girl and see what happens. Father has been entertaining one of his other concubines. He’s in a good mood, I hear. And your mother is nowhere to be found. Which is another reason for Father’s happy state.” He looked me over. “If you think this girl’s resemblance to your mama will soften him, think again. Hera does her best to make him suffer when he strays from his marriage vows.”

  I felt my mother’s hand shaking as she gripped my arm. That didn’t make me feel better. What had she brought me to? It seemed more and more likely that we’d both end up spending the rest of eternity in adjoining tiny cells. Maybe she’d teach me to shoot lightning bolts using poor handmaidens for target practice. I swallowed, sure I was going to throw up or fall down. I gasped when Mother squeezed tighter. Her smile masked her nervousness.