(Glory St Clair 11) Real Vampires Say Read My Hips

by Gerry Bartlett

  “He’s great. Especially at tax time. You’ll save money in the long run. And he makes a hell of an Aretha Franklin too.” Rafe looked away when the couple stopped a few feet away and kissed. “The wedding back on?”

  “Yes. You’ll get your invitation.” I gave him a hug. “We’re okay, aren’t we?”

  “Yes. Moving on.” He rubbed my back. “But you know I’m here if you ever need me, Blondie. I feel like I let you down. I hate to think that you were taken away like that and I wasn’t around to stop it.”

  “Rafe, no one can stop my mother or father when they decide to do something.” The truth of that made my stomach squeeze. “You’re not my bodyguard anymore. Besides, you could be standing right beside me and if Hebe wanted to suck me back up into her world, I’d be gone and there’s not a thing you could do about it.”

  “Well, that’s a pisser.” He put me away from him and looked me in the eyes. “I’m damned sorry about that.”

  “Me too, buddy. Me too.” I sighed. “Sometimes I miss the old days, me in the Suburban, you in dog form, howling to drown out my singing. I had no idea back then that I had these Olympus connections.”

  “They aren’t all bad. Now you can sing better than most people, thanks to your mother.” He squeezed my shoulder. “We had good times, that’s true. But I’m damned glad to be out of the fleas and fur, if you want to know the truth.”

  “I guess so.” I looked down the block where the crowd had thinned to a trickle. “I’d better go. Must be closing time for you.”

  “It is. Take care, Glory.” Rafe turned when one of his employees called his name.

  “You too.” I was strangely reluctant to go back to my shop or apartment. I breathed in the cold night air. Freedom. It was the first time I’d been alone in a long time. I walked across the street to the small park and stepped behind a bush. For years I’d been afraid to shape-shift. Now I effortlessly turned into a bird and flew up to sit in a branch where I could see the activities on the street. Same old thing. I flew farther and saw Austin’s state capitol building, brightly lit at night. It was beautiful and there were plenty of trees to sit in. I flew from branch to branch for a while, just enjoying the peace and quiet. No people to talk to, no noisy television or demands on my time.

  Finally I flew back to Sixth Street, then to the hill at the end where Damian lived in a castle, yes, a castle on top of that hill. His sports car was parked behind the house and I heard Charis’s laughter coming from the terrace out back. It was a great place to host parties, including the Winter Solstice Ball in December. He’d offered to host my wedding there but Flo and Richard had been married there and I didn’t want to copy my best friend.

  Now Damian and Charis were sipping drinks at a table where they could enjoy the panoramic view of the city. I decided I didn’t need to be spying on my sister who was an adult anyway and flew back toward my home. I landed in the alley behind the shop, the one we had nicknamed Death Alley because of all the problems we’d had back there.

  A man stepped out of the shadows. “About time you got here.”

  “Ian!” My heart pounded and I realized I’d grown careless. Ian MacDonald had caught me in the act of shifting. I knew better than to just do that without checking for observers. But then Ian was clever when it came to lurking.

  “Did I scare you? Sorry.” He didn’t sound like he meant it. “I’ve been talking to Cornelius. The sorcerer told me you were finally allowed to come home. You’ve got some interesting relatives, haven’t you?”

  “Seems like Cornelius has a big mouth.” I pulled my key from my pocket. “What else did he tell you?”

  “Not nearly enough.” Ian grabbed my arm then put himself between me and the door. “Wait. There’s someone inside. I smelled shifter.”

  I shoved him aside. The look on his face was priceless. “Relax, Ian. It’s just my accountant.” I opened the back door into the shop. Ed was still there and jumped to his feet. I turned and smiled at Ian. “Do you know Ed, Ian?”

  “You need help, Glory?” Ed looked ready to defend me. “MacDonald.” He nodded but didn’t smile. Ian wasn’t a fan of shape-shifters and didn’t hide that fact, which made them hate him too. Vampires either loved him or loathed him, depending on whether they could afford the outrageous prices Ian charged for the premium synthetic blood he sold.

  “Ian and I go back a long way. I think he’s here in peace.” I waited. “Is that right, Ian?”

  “Sure. Just checking in on you.” Ian looked Ed over then smiled. “But if the shifter wants to go a few rounds, I’m up for it.”

  “You want a piece of me, dude? It’s on.” Ed seemed to stretch before my eyes. Uh oh, he was going gorilla. And it was a huge one. Papers flew everywhere and my one chair got crushed against the wall.

  “Stop! My computer is about to hit the floor!” I lunged for it. Those words did the trick. And since Ian hadn’t made a move toward either me or Ed, the shifter settled back into his human form.

  Ed looked around and frowned. “Shit. It’ll take me hours to get this back together.”

  “Maybe next time you’ll take it out back.” I patted Ed on the arm and picked up a handful of papers, shoving them into his hands before I slid past him. “Come on, Ian. And quit looking like you want to say something that will start trouble.”

  Ian bit his lip, then just shook his head as he followed me into the shop. Once the door closed, Ian started laughing and couldn’t stop.

  “What?” I stumbled when he leaned against me and wiped his eyes, gradually subsiding into chuckles.

  “Christ. Didn’t you notice? I’ve seen gorillas before but,” he lost it again, “holy shit, never King Kong in gold high heels.”

  Okay, that got me going too. I finally had to grab a tissue and wipe mascara from under my eyes. “Stop it.”

  Ian finally pulled himself together. “Interesting friends you collect, Glory. Where’d you find a cross-dressing shape-shifter?”

  “Not your business. What’s up with you and Cornelius?” I stopped grinning and unlocked a drawer, then pulled out my checkbook to write a check for Ed.

  “He’s helping me work on some new formulas. You know how I am about chemistry. It’s an interest I share with the sorcerer.” He was reading over my shoulder. “You sure the shifter is your accountant? Except for the shoes, he looks more like a bodyguard. Are you in danger again?”

  “No. He’s good with numbers.” I locked the checkbook away again. “I don’t use bodyguards any more. I can protect myself.”

  “And you’ll soon have the intrepid Campbell as husband to do it for you as well.” Ian raised an eyebrow. “Will I be invited to the wedding?”

  “A MacDonald at a Campbell wedding? I don’t think so, Ian.” I walked around the counter. “You and the Laird in the same room is a recipe for disaster.”

  “But think what fun it would be.” Ian put his arm around me. “Come on, Gloriana. Talk to the old man about it. Every vampire who is anyone in Austin is on your guest list and you know it. I want to be included. You owe it to me. Didn’t I save Jeremiah’s life once?”

  I couldn’t deny that. Ian had actually called Cornelius down from Olympus to do it. I sighed, just thinking about broaching the subject to Jerry. My old man. That was two people who’d called him that tonight. What did that make me? Jer’s old lady? The thought made me smile.

  “I knew you’d do it. Are there going to be bagpipes?” He almost looked nostalgic. “There’s nothing like a Highland wedding, with the pipes playing. I had one once, more centuries ago than I like to admit. ’Twas a beautiful thing.” He squeezed my shoulders.

  “You’ve been married?” I eased away from him. Ian was a difficult man and I couldn’t imagine him with a wife.

  “Hasn’t everyone? Even your dear Jeremiah.” He smirked. “Oh, I forgot. Not you. Amazing really, that you’ve managed to stay single all these years. One would almost think you were commitment phobic. Is that it, Glory? Will you get to the altar and b
olt at the last minute, scared Jeremiah will make you into his little woman?” He stared at me like he was trying to read my mind.

  I threw up a block he’d never be able to get through. “I’m marrying Jerry this time, Ian. Maybe I’ll send you that invitation just so you can witness our vows.”

  “Excellent.” He laughed and rubbed his hands together. Manipulative bastard. “And wait till you see my wedding present! I’ve just about perfected it. The formula that will allow you to eat. How would you like to take a bite of wedding cake?”

  “Now you’re just teasing me.” I couldn’t imagine anything more wonderful. There would be a cake of course, a work of art from a famous cake designer. My father had already ordered one he’d seen on the Internet. He and Charis had been having a ball with my computer during the day while Jerry and I died. The shifters and the guests from Olympus would enjoy it.

  “I’m telling the truth. I know the Energy Vampires will have their paltry treats there for the vampires to enjoy.” Ian was disdainful. “But they can’t compare to a layered wedding cake.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with the EV’s chocolate covered strawberries.” I’d made sure those were ordered and looked forward to them.

  “Just wait. I’m in the final testing stages. I may want you to try it before the big night. Just to be sure your goddess genes don’t go haywire like they’ve done before. But with Cornelius working on it too, we think we’ve solved that kink in the chemistry.” Now Ian’s pale blue eyes were shining. With his blond hair, if you didn’t hear just the trace of a Scottish accent when he got excited, you’d think Ian was a Viking instead of being second in line to being laird of his own clan in the Highlands.

  “That would be wonderful, Ian. But I’ve regretted trying your stuff before. I don’t know if I want to take a chance again.” I escorted him to the door. “I need to get back upstairs and it’s close to dawn. We both have that deadline.”

  “You’re right. I’m not giving up on this, Gloriana.” He kissed my cheek. “Don’t worry, I’ll be civilized when I see the Campbells. I wonder if they can be the same.” He stepped out into the night. “See you soon.” Then he looked both ways, shrugged, shifted into a hawk and flew away.

  “Interesting character. Don’t trust him, Glory.” Ed stood behind me.

  “I don’t.” I handed him the check. “Sorry about what happened earlier. I hope we didn’t add to your work.”

  “My own fault for over-reacting. I’m going to take these papers home with me.” He showed me a shopping bag full of those papers. “I downloaded everything else I need onto a flash drive. I can work on it in my spare time.”

  “Great.” I saw him glance at the check.

  He bumped the shopping bag with his hip and I saw the gold shoes were in there too. “I’m taking the shoes. Did you forget to subtract for those?”

  “Consider them a bonus for the hassle of dealing with Ian and my horrible record keeping this first time.” I turned off the lights and made sure the shop was locked up before we stepped outside. “Thanks, Ed. I know my accounts are in good hands. And maybe you’ll turn out like Kira and spend more than you make here.” Wouldn’t that be a bonus for me?

  He looked around the shop. “Give me a ring when you get something in my size. That’s my problem. There’s not much here that is big enough. Of course beating Kira to the shoes is an issue too. I’m surprised she hadn’t jumped on these gold pumps.” He was humming Aretha as he walked off down the sidewalk.

  I went upstairs, concerned with figuring out how I was going to break the news to Jerry that I’d invited Ian to our wedding. I decided to check out bagpipers on the Internet first. A Highland wedding theme. Jerry could wear his kilt instead of a tux. Yes, I’d lead with that. Maybe if he knew Ian had thought of it that would soften the blow of having an ancient enemy witness our vows.

  Oh, who was I kidding? Jerry was going to hate having Ian anywhere near our wedding. But then with our mothers there too, the night was shaping up to be a fiasco anyway. Adding Ian and bagpipes would just be the icing on my cake. Which I might even be able to taste. How about that?

  New York City. I loved the place or did I? Walking around Times Square brought some memories back. I had tried to get parts in the chorus of Broadway shows but vampires’ schedules just don’t allow for daytime rehearsals. So I’d ended up waitressing, a job I’d held all over the world. I was glad that part of my life was behind me. It was really hard on my feet because of my love of cute shoes. I remembered spending time with Greg Kaplan, my lover back then, but not why I’d left. The holes in my memories were maddening. So was the dress shopping.

  “We’re running out of options, Glory. If you don’t pick a dress at this last place, I don’t know what you’re going to do.” Charis was getting impatient. She and Flo had found what they liked for bridesmaid dresses at the first shop. They were wearing red this time and had picked dresses that flattered both of them. Of course they looked good in everything.

  “This is a once-in-a-lifetime decision. I’m going to take my time.” I never thought I could get sick of shopping but this had been a frustrating evening.

  “Gloriana, you are absolutely right. Don’t let them push you into making a hasty decision.” My mother was enjoying every moment of the trip. She had ordered a limousine and at each stop let the clerks at the bridal shops assume she was footing the bills.

  One look at our group and we were treated royally everywhere we went. I had on my big diamond engagement ring, Charis wore Chanel, Flo sported her good jewelry and my mother did her best to make the clerks feel like dirt under her Prada pumps. So out came the champagne. Mother sipped and commented as I was stuck in a dressing room then trotted out to be examined like a puffed up Barbie doll. My size was discussed, figure defects analyzed and styles selected and discarded regardless of what I thought.

  Flo wanted sparkles.

  Charis was all for ruffles.

  Mother voted for satin and lace.

  I finally couldn’t take it any more after shop number three.

  “Would you all just stop it?” My head was spinning. I wanted to be alone. Look at dresses by myself. But I knew that wouldn’t happen. “Let’s skip this last shop, go back to the hotel and lie down. Can we do that? Start again tomorrow night.”

  “No!” All three of them looked horrified.

  “We only have one more night and the dress might need alterations. You must use every minute you’re awake, Gloriana.” My mother grabbed my arm. “It would be different if you could use the daylight hours, but--”

  “Don’t start, Mother.” I gently removed her hand from my arm. “Here’s what we’re going to do then. I emailed a place that carries vintage clothing. You all know I love vintage.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” Charis had been watching a cute guy walk past us but now I had her full attention. “You’d seriously wear someone else’s wedding dress? What if it was a bad marriage? One that ended in divorce?”

  “She’s right, Glory. It could be sfortuna. What you call bad luck.” Flo frowned.

  “Don’t be silly.” Mother was on my side for once. “If I had an appropriate dress to hand down to my daughter, it would be wonderful for her to wear it. Happens all the time in families. Isn’t that right, Gloriana?”

  “Yes. And sometimes a woman doesn’t have a daughter so she sells her wedding dress. She could have had a perfectly wonderful marriage.” I wasn’t about to get into the pros and cons of a dress being lucky. I’d had customers who wouldn’t buy an antique for fear of a “bad vibe.” I had no patience for such thinking.

  “So where is this place? Did you see a picture of some of these dresses? Are they by famous designers?” Flo, at least, was showing an interest.

  “Yes! Many famous designers. Beautiful, handmade gowns that you just can’t get any more. Come with me and see. Get in the limo.” I got in first and pushed the button to talk to the driver. I gave him the address of the shop that had seemed to have the
best selection. “We can go now. I told her it would be late and she had no problem with it. The woman lives above her shop and told me to just ring the doorbell and she would come down and open for us.”

  “Sounds a little strange to me. And cheap. Used clothing. Like in your shop. I don’t like it.” Charis wasn’t happy but she reached for the limo’s built-in bar as soon as we started moving. “Drink, Hebe? Since the vampires can’t indulge, there’s more for us.” She expertly opened a bottle of champagne, laughing when the cork popped.

  “I suppose so.” Mother took a flute and held it out to be filled. “I’m sure this place won’t be cheap, will it, Gloriana? I expect you to spend plenty of your father’s money. He has centuries to make up for. Since you were struggling on your own all that time.”

  I held back the snarky comment I wanted to make. Whose fault was that? On my own. Yes indeed. Except for Jerry. I smiled at Flo. She knew what I was thinking and reached out to pat my hand.

  “I wonder where we could find a vampire shop here in New York.” She looked longingly at the champagne.

  “I’m sure there’s more than one, but I don’t know where. I haven’t lived here in decades and back then we survived the old-fashioned way.” I glanced at my mother and Charis.

  “Really, Gloriana. Just thinking about you biting into someone’s vein makes me ill.” Mother drained her glass and held it out to Charis to refill.

  I ignored her. “Flo, you want me to call Jerry and have him send us some of the Energy Vampires special champagne? He could overnight it to the hotel.” It was torture to sit here while my mother and Charis were getting tipsy. As a demi-goddess, I could drink, but didn’t think it would be nice to flaunt that ability in front of Flo.

  “Don’t bother. We’ll be home soon enough.” Flo sighed. “I just want you to find a beautiful dress.”

  The car pulled to a stop in front of a small building in a sketchy neighborhood. The sign in front, “Vintage Beauty,” was simple. We couldn’t see into the windows because iron shutters were closed over them. I got out and pushed the doorbell under an intercom.