(Glory St Clair 11) Real Vampires Say Read My Hips

by Gerry Bartlett

  “Thanks.” He just kept staring at my parents. “I didn’t know--”

  “My folks just arrived in town. To meet Jerry’s parents before the wedding. Could I use your office for a little while?” I gave Rafe a look that said Help! “We could use some privacy.”

  “Sure, go ahead. It’s empty.” He nodded to Blade. “Looking forward to the big night?”

  “Of course.” Jerry’s grip on my arm tightened. “See you there?”

  “Wouldn’t miss it.” Rafe grinned and winked at me. “Good luck. Both of you.”

  I couldn’t stand all this cordiality. “Come on. Let’s go where it’s not so noisy.” I led the way, not even looking back to make sure they were following me. I dreaded the whole thing. Dad kept fiddling with his pocket square. And then there was my mother, who hadn’t stopped assessing Jerry’s mother since she’d walked up. I ushered them into Rafe’s office and slammed the door.

  “Well now.” Mars nodded. “Guess these are your folks, Blade.” He stuck out his hand. “We were incognito out there. Max and Helen, not our real names of course.” He did one of those artificial laughs then focused on the laird. “I’m Mars, God of War. This is my, ahem, fiancée, Hebe, daughter of Zeus.” Mars wore a smile, but he might as well have had a sign around his neck that said, “Mess with me or my family and I’ll strike you dead on the spot.”

  “My parents,” Jerry was doing all he could to keep from reaching for a knife, I could tell. He hadn’t missed my father’s hostility or obvious condescension. “Angus, Laird of Clan Campbell, and Magdalena, Lady Campbell.” The two fathers shook hands and sized each other up. The mothers studied each other with narrowed eyes.

  The women each wore expensive designer outfits head to toe, complete with jewelry that cost a fortune. I noticed my mother now sported a huge pink diamond on her engagement finger. I didn’t dare comment on the fiancé statement. Since both my mother and father had living spouses on Olympus, I was sure it was merely a convenient lie. For my sake? As if I cared that I was the result of their affair.

  “Well, this is going well.” I kept my arm around Jerry, determined to make this a happy occasion. “Mother and Dad took on those mortal names so we can use them in public. Isn’t that nice? It will make it so much easier to introduce them around to people outside this room.”

  “Yes. Jeremiah warned us, of course. About you people.” The Laird looked like he’d caught a whiff of bad fish. “Couldn’t figure out how to explain the entire thing to the rest of the family and my friends, Gloriana. Olympus, gods and goddesses. It defies logic.”

  “Da, ease up now.” Jerry stepped closer to his father. “We know there are many things on Earth that defy logic, vampires included. I think it is quite remarkable that Gloriana is related to royalty.”

  “Royalty?” Mag Campbell sniffed. “Is that what it is called? This Olympus is some place in the ether, I ken. Where is it exactly? And, Hebe, you claim Zeus, like in mythology, is the king? He’s your father?”

  “I claim nothing. It is a fact that my father is very powerful. And where we live is not your business.” My mother stepped closer. Her fire-throwing finger was twitching. “Can your queen make the earth shake, mountains crumble and the skies rain fire?”

  “Let’s not get into politics now. Please?” I laid my hand on Mother’s. Yes, that finger was hot. Damn it. “Mother, isn’t Lady Campbell’s dress beautiful? St. Laurent, I believe. Did you go shopping in Paris, Mag?”

  “Yes, I did. My son doesn’t get married every century.” She looked fondly at Jerry. “Thank the good Lord.”

  “Now just a minute.” Mars reached for his pocket square. I was afraid of what it could do. Make someone vanish? Set fire to the room?

  “Dad, I’m sure Mag meant that she is glad Jerry hasn’t been one of those men who treat marriage lightly.” I shut up when both of my parents glared at me. Oh, yes. Their own wedding vows had been little more than a joke.

  “Ma, I’m glad you admit this is a special occasion. I’m marrying the woman I love.” Jerry kissed me on the cheek. “The band is starting soon. Shouldn’t we go up and let the, um, St. Clairs meet the rest of the family?” He pulled open the door and loud music hit us hard.

  “Good idea. No need to stay in here.” I hustled my parents out and into the crowd.

  “Gloriana, I’m not sure we should stay. This music…” Mother looked toward where the band was setting up. What we were hearing was courtesy of a disc jockey but probably just a sample of things to come. “It is very loud.”

  “Are you saying you’re too old to appreciate a rock band, Mother?” I teased her as I steered her around the crowd and toward the stairs. “Come on. Be as gracious as I know you can be. Apparently some of Jerry’s relatives are fans. You don’t have to stay for the entire show, but you can at least come up and meet the rest of the Campbells.”

  “We are young enough to appreciate all kinds of music.” My father was right behind me. He’d been careful to make the Campbells go up the stairs first. He obviously didn’t want vampires following him. “Maybe we’ll dance, Helen.” He emphasized her new name.

  Upstairs we made quick introductions and got everyone seated before the band started. To my relief it wasn’t a loud band but one that did a lot of ballads, some of them with a Scottish sound. The Campbells were happy and had glasses of blood with alcohol in front of them, keeping the waitresses busy running up and down the stairs. My parents ordered a bottle of expensive champagne and toasted each other like they were the couple about to be married.

  “It’s going well, I think.” Jerry whispered in my ear when we saw my parents head down the stairs to dance to a slow song.

  “So far. Your parents and mine are sitting on opposite ends of the balcony. But I was worried there at first.” I leaned against him. “Dance?”

  “Sure. Oh, now my parents are getting up too. Guess they couldn’t be outdone by your folks.” It was true. Laird and Lady Campbell were headed for the dance floor.

  I put my hand on Jerry’s and we stopped at the top of the stairs. It was like there was a Dancing with the Stars competition going on. If my father dipped my mother, then the Laird twirled Mag until she was dizzy. They bumped into each other and Jerry was down the stairs so fast I was afraid the mortals below might notice.

  Jerry stepped between the simmering males. I had a feeling he’d said something that diffused the situation when he clapped his father on the back then laughed. I hurried down the stairs to join him when the couples started dancing again.

  “What did you say?” I whispered to Jerry as I moved into his arms.

  “That it was a tie. I told them they’d have to quit doing a dance battle or I’d take both men outside and we’d settle it there.” He pulled me close. “They were eager to do that, of course. But your mother and mine insisted they keep dancing. So they calmed down.” He laughed. “Max and Helen?”

  “I know!” I rested my head on his cashmere sweater. “I am actually proud of them. They’re trying to fit in.”

  “Yes, they are.” He leaned his cheek on my hair. “What a relief. I had visions of lightning bolts tonight.”

  “Don’t rule it out.” I closed my eyes and let Jerry lead me as we moved to the music. Two more nights and we’d be married and could go on with our lives. I couldn’t wait.

  #

  If what they say about bad rehearsals making great weddings was true, then tomorrow night would be amazing. Jerry’s parents had brought the Campbell family priest over on their chartered jet to marry us. Now he was balking because we hadn’t had premarital counseling. Seriously? After four hundred plus years together?

  “Father, if you won’t marry us, my best man, Richard Mainwaring, will.” Jerry wasn’t going to put up with a delay.

  “I’m familiar with Mainwaring.” Father Tim, as they called him, sniffed. “He’s no longer accepted in the church. Would you want to be married by such as that, son?”

  “Frankly, I don’t care who marries
us tomorrow. Just so long as it’s done.” Jerry held my hand, his strength keeping me from saying something I’d regret or bursting into tears.

  We’d been pulled into Damian’s study for this talk and I knew both sets of parents weren’t far away. I was itching to check on them. The priest was staring at me. Had he asked a question?

  “I’m sorry, Father. I’m a little distracted. What did you say?” I smiled for him. Yes, he was a vampire. Everyone Campbell was. But he was a comfortable looking man who did inspire trust.

  “Gloriana, I asked if you belonged to the Church.” He reached out his hand and I let go of Jerry’s to take it. “I’ve heard you and Jeremiah are from very different backgrounds. Seems like caution is called for here.”

  “Not your church. I go to the Moonlight Church of Eternal Light and Joy.” I lost my smile when Father Tim’s face fell. “It’s nondenominational.” I squeezed his fingers. “You know how difficult it is for vampires to find a, um, church family.”

  “Of course. I’m sure it’s just fine but not the answer I was hoping for.” Father Tim sighed. “Are you two very sure you are suited? Marriage is forever, you ken. I want your assurances that you intend to keep your vows.” The priest looked at me when he said that.

  “Of course we intend to stay married.” I dropped his hand and jumped to my feet. “It took me hundreds of years to commit to Jeremiah. Now that I am ready to marry him, I expect it to last forever.” I reached for Jerry’s hand. “Do you doubt that, Jerry?”

  “Not for a moment. Father, does that satisfy you? Can we get out of here now?” Jerry was frowning. Obviously he was unhappy with how this had gone.

  “Yes, of course. I’ll marry you two, Jeremiah, but it won’t be with the Church’s full blessing.” Father Tim sighed.

  “That’s fine with me, Father. I’m sure you know that I’m doing this for my parents. Gloriana and I would be perfectly happy going to a Justice of the Peace.” Jerry drew me back against him when Father Tim crossed himself and muttered something. “But thank you for doing it instead.” Jerry clapped the priest on the back with his free hand as the door burst open.

  “Gloriana, you must get out here. The Campbells are insisting that they wear native dress tomorrow.” My mother smiled at the priest. “Oh, is that a clerical collar? Gloriana, are you having a Catholic wedding?” She said it like I’d agreed to bring Beelzebub up from Hell to perform the ceremony.

  “Mother, this is Father Timothy Campbell.” I hurried to her side. “Let it go. What other kind of wedding would we have? Would one of the sorcerers toss incense at us and recite something in Greek?” I whispered this in her ear.

  “A pleasure.” Father Tim approached my mother with his hand outstretched.

  My mother looked like she’d rather touch a snake but gritted her teeth and let him take her fingertips. “Helen St. Clair. Father, I hope you understand that Gloriana comes from a different background than the Campbells.”

  “Yes, we discussed that.” The priest was solemn. “We can only hope that love will help them overcome any differences they have. Now Gloriana was telling me about her church. Do you go there too?” Father Tim smiled. He was relieved that Jerry was marrying a church-goer no matter the religion.

  “You go to church?” My mother stepped back from the priest and grabbed my arm. “Gloriana, it is obvious we have much to discuss.”

  “About the ‘native dress’, Mother.” I grinned at Jerry. “That’s the Campbell plaid. The Campbell men are wearing their kilts, including Jerry. You should see Jerry in one. He looks amazing.” As I knew it would, it got Mother’s mind off of the religious debate.

  “Kilts? Men’s skirts?” Mother turned around when Mars entered the room behind her. “Did you hear that, M-Max? The Campbell men are wearing their kilts to the wedding.”

  “Then I think I should wear my usual formal dress, Gloriana.” Mars slipped his arm around my mother’s waist. “What do you think, Helen? We could both wear our court dress.”

  “No!” I looked at Jerry for backup.

  “And what would that be?” Father Tim was eager to meet my father and had his hand out again, introducing himself. The men shook hands. “Your wife was just discussing the religious differences as well.” He looked at Jerry fondly. “I’ve known this lad for centuries. All I want is his happiness. As I’m sure you want for your daughter. It won’t be easy for them with so many differences between them.”

  “Oh, we’ve been against this marriage from the start. Religion is just a small part of it.” My mother was warming up to the priest. “Tried everything we could to get Gloriana to change her mind. Even gave them time apart.” She sighed heavily. “But she claims he is the only man she can love.”

  “She not only claims it, she knows it.” I had to put a stop to this. “The wedding is on.”

  “It certainly is.” Jerry gave the priest a searching look. “I don’t know where this is coming from but Gloriana and I don’t have any differences now. We’ve worked them out.” Jerry began ushering the group toward the door. He looked at Mars. “Last I heard you were wearing a tux and walking your daughter down the aisle. I doubt Gloriana wants you sporting your court dress tomorrow, do you, my love?”

  “Absolutely not. I’ll get my brother to escort me if you show up wearing anything but a tuxedo, Dad.” Miguel was around and had told everyone he met that he was my half-brother. Jerry wasn’t thrilled but he was dealing with it.

  “You wouldn’t do that.” Mars looked like he had thunder and lightning on his mind.

  “Yes, I would.” I put my hand on his arm. “Remember, Max and Helen St. Clair don’t have court dress. And that’s who you are, right?” I ignored the priest’s puzzled look.

  “I suppose.” Mother smiled. “Let it go, Max. I do have the most amazing dress, the one we bought in New York. I’m sure Mag Campbell won’t have anything half as beautiful.” She ignored Jerry’s groan. “Now about these flowers…” she took my arm and dragged me toward the courtyard.

  “There they are!” Angus Campbell, the Laird, came bustling toward me. “I see Father Tim got time to bend your ear. Ignore him. He’s been fussing ever since we pulled him onto the plane.”

  “Da, why would Father Tim have a problem with this marriage?” Jerry was too close to his father.

  “Your mother might have said a few things.” Angus gestured toward where Mag was surrounded by a group of Campbells. I heard her say my name.

  “About Gloriana?” Jerry marched straight to his mother and made excuses to the group then strong-armed her over to me. Of course my mother was still by my side, not about to miss a moment if there was a confrontation in the works.

  “Gloriana, Helen.” Mag was all graciousness as her eyes swept over both of us.

  I dared her to find fault with either our clothes or our manners. Of course I held my mother’s arm in a grip that telegraphed caution. This was my future mother-in-law and frying her with a flaming finger was not going to happen, no matter how she provoked us.

  “Magdalena, lovely dress you’re wearing. I saw something like it in New York.” My mother smirked. “Didn’t buy it. I thought that shade of yellow a bit too…”

  “Oh, yes. It would look horrid with brassy blonde hair.” Mag countered.

  “Ma, I just got through with Father Tim. Clearly you have been spreading your poison about Gloriana.” Jerry took her by the shoulders. “This has been going on since I first brought her home to the Castle. I was a fool for thinking you would come to love her as I do.” He tightened his grip and I saw the Laird step closer. “Obviously you are too damned stubborn to change. So be it.” He let her go and pulled me to his side.

  “Jeremiah.” Mag reached out to him.

  “No, say nothing. You have one choice. Accept Gloriana and be kind to her or I’m done with you. I love her and am wedding her. She will come first with me. Above all others. If you say one more hurtful thing to her or about her, you will never see me again. Is that clear?”


  “Jeremiah Campbell, you’ll not speak to your mother so!” The Laird pushed in between Mag and her son. “Apologize at once! Poison indeed.”

  “Da, this is between Ma and me.” Jerry put his shoulder against his father’s. “But if you want to make it your fight too, I can cut you out of my life as well. Gloriana’s my choice. Am I clear?”

  Muttering what were probably Gaelic curses, Angus stepped aside. “Mag, the boy has loved her these many centuries, luaidh. If you persist in this campaign to discredit the lass, you’ll only drive him away. Your hatred is uncalled for. The girl has done nothing to earn it.”

  “She is not worthy to bear the Campbell name. You know that. Who was she when Jeremiah brought her home? Nothing. Nobody. A common--”

  “You are singing an old tune, woman. Look at the girl now. She is not that widow who had to make her own way in the world on the stage, Mag.” Angus took his wife’s hands in his and forced her to look at him. “The very fact that our boy still loves her after all this time should be enough to convince you that the lass is worthy. Is hanging onto old ways worth losing him? Truly? Is being right so important to you, mnaol?”

  Mag looked at me with what could only be described as loathing. The courtyard had grown very quiet.

  “Listen to me, woman.” My mother hadn’t moved but her voice rang out and I wanted to slap a hand over her mouth. I couldn’t move. The old freeze trick at work. Shit.

  “Do you think her father and I are happy that our daughter is marrying a vampire?” A glass shattered nearby. Surprise, surprise. “Where we come from bloodsuckers are despised. My father only spared your son because our daughter loved him and Jeremiah proved his bravery.” She looked at me. “Oh, yes, Gloriana, your grandfather knows this wedding is happening. He won’t send his blessing, but he is allowing it. You know he could stop it with one gesture.”

  “I don’t believe you.” Mag raised her chin. “Who in the hell are you? I didn’t swallow that nonsense about Olympus for one minute.”

  Mother looked around. She was in her element here, showing her roots as the daughter of the most powerful god in Olympus. She raised a hand and thunder shook the clear night sky then lightning flashed.