by Isobel Hart
“Hey, are you going to sing with them? That would be amazing. This girl can sing like Jessie J,” Emily said over her shoulder to the other girls.
“You can sing?” Eddy asked from behind me. I hadn’t sung a single note since I’d left home. I wasn’t sure why, but I hadn’t felt able to. I’d never let on to anyone at university that I was a singer, so it was news to Eddy. It hadn’t been a conscious decision. It had just felt like there was something blocking my vocal chords ever since I’d found out about Hardy.
“A bit,” I finally admitted grudgingly.
“A bit,” Emily said with a snort. “She’s at least as good as you,” she said, nodding towards Cat. “Anyhow, it was nice ‘knowing’ you.” She winked at Matt. “If you want a replay, just let Delilah know. She’s got my number. Keep in touch, Delilah,” she said as she sauntered past with the others.
I collapsed onto a chair after she’d gone, wondering what to worry about first. “Are you okay, Delilah?” Cat asked quietly, kneeling down in front of me. “I’m really sorry you had to see all that. I had no idea you knew her.”
I looked up at him. My concern about the sex and drugs had paled into insignificance compared to the thought of Emily telling Hardy that she’d seen me here. “It’s fine,” I said, distracted. “She was always very in touch with her sexuality. Just your type,” I said with a wry smile.
“Not my type. Not this time. She hooked up with Matt.”
“Will she tell him?” Eddy blurted from behind Cat.
“Will she tell who? What?” Cat asked, confused.
“Nothing,” I said quickly, with a glance up at Eddy’s concerned face. “Just an old boyfriend. He’s been looking for me. I’d rather him not find me.”
Cat scowled. “You’ll be fine here. No one gets in that I don’t invite,” he promised me. I smiled my thanks.
“Do you want to stay?” Eddy asked.
“Of course she’s staying,” Cat answered on my behalf, frowning.
“I asked her, not you,” Eddy shot back. I watched as Cat’s jaw clenched.
“Let’s stay,” I finally said.
Chapter 15
“Are you sure?” Eddy asked again, as I dumped my bags in the room Cat had led me to.
“As you said, he could find us in Brighton just as easily.” I paused and turned to look at Cat. “How did you meet her?”
He ran a hand through his hair, a sign I was beginning to recognise as nervousness. It was a habit that reminded me of Hardy. “We went to a club last night to celebrate laying down our first track. She was there. She came back with some others. That’s it. It happens.”
“Will she tell him?” Eddy asked again. He was on repeat.
I looked at him. “Maybe, maybe not, but she’ll tell someone. And someone will tell Hardy.”
“I already told you, you don’t have to worry about anyone getting to you here.” Cat seemed annoyed.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“What the fuck are you apologising for? You’ve done nothing wrong. Look, make yourself at home. I’ll go and speak to security, make sure they know not to let anyone past. What’s the dude’s name?”
“Hardy Somerville,” I whispered, as if naming him out loud would somehow call him to me.
“Sounds like a fucking pansy, no offence,” he said quickly to Eddy, who grinned.
“None taken. Just help me look after our girl.”
“You got it,” Cat said. He looked at me and his eyes softened, then he turned and left.
“You’re amazing,” Eddy said as soon as he’d gone.
“I don’t think so. What have I done now?”
“You’re like a horse whisperer for wayward men… a rockgod whisperer.” I laughed. “No, seriously, I’ve never seen him like this with someone. But don’t let your guard down. He’s still a manwhore, with the relationship longevity of a bonobo monkey.”
“Don’t they shag anyone, anytime, anywhere… including relatives?”
“Exactly.”
I laughed. “Point taken. Now show me the music room,” I demanded.
*
I was in love with a room. It was unlike anything I’d ever seen before, situated in the far corner of the house on the ground floor, with windows along two walls which displayed views out across the gardens. The room was equipped with a variety of instruments, but it was the Steinway that caught and held my attention. Reverently I touched the keys, and the warmth and colour of the notes reminded me why this was the best piano in the world.
Three hours later, having played some of my most beloved songs, I started to compose a tune that had been flitting around at the edge of my mind. It had begun a week or so ago. I’d had to compose for uni a few times, but this was the first time an actual song, with lyrics, had crept up on me. I figured I could use it as the summer composition we were meant to do.
I hummed as I played, figuring out the way the tune would work with the words that had been rattling around in my head.
I’m sorry, it’s too hard for me to stay
Heard you went with that other girl, so there’s nothing left for us to say
I’m sorry, I’m too selfish to just wait
And hope that maybe you’ll wake up and believe in our fate
First love, I’m wounded now
You didn’t wait for me, all the while I waited for you
So I take a step, and then one more
I reach inside for some strength and I find the door
It takes one small step to move away from you
One small step’s all I have to do
I’m sorry, it was too hard for me to stay
I thought you’d know how I felt. I believed you wanted to find a way
To make us work, and love and yet
You let yourself be seduced by something meaningless
First love, I’m hurting now
You didn’t wait for me, all the while I waited for you
So I take a step, and then one more
I reach inside for some strength and I find the door
It takes one small step to move away from you
One small step’s all I have to do
One small step and I walk through the door
And he’s there waiting for me, and for the first time I’m sure
That he wants from me all I have to give
That he needs me too, that we can help each other breathe
First love, I’m happy now
You didn’t wait for me, all the while I waited for you
So I took a step, and then one more
I reached for the strength and I found the door
Because one small step away from you
Was one small step towards him too.
I stopped, and finally I could breathe again, as if the pressure within me had been released by the words in my song. I’d yet to sing the lyrics out loud, but I knew they would work. I could feel it in my bones, and the relief from putting my feelings into words was tremendous.
“Will you sing it for me?” A voice behind me made me jump. It was Cat. I didn’t know how long he’d been standing there watching me.
“Sing what?”
“The words to the song you just played.”
“How do you know it has words?”
He raised an eyebrow. “You’re talking to a singer-songwriter. Plus, I saw your lips moving.”
I smiled. “Maybe, one day. Not today.”
“I’ll hold you to that,” he said with a soft smile. He looked beautiful, I found myself thinking, as he stood there framed against the window. His blonde hair was pulled back, revealing his chiselled jaw and defined cheekbones. He was achingly beautiful. “I came up to tell you we were going to start work in the studio again. Eddy seemed to think you might want to come and join us. I told him I’d let you know.” I nodded my thanks, unable to speak yet. “You’re good, you know,” he rushed to fill my silence, sounding uncharacteristically nervous. “That was original, right?” I nodded ag
ain. “It was beautiful...” He stopped, looking as if he wanted to say more. “So you’ll come?” he finally said.
“Yes, sure,” I managed to coax my tongue to say. I stood, carefully closing the lid of the beautiful instrument, and followed him towards the other end of the house, and then down into the basement.
The whole space was fitted out as a studio, with a couple of extra guys there manning the recording equipment. I sat at the back and watched as Cat joined the rest of the band.
The group were obviously comfortable in one another’s company; the banter flowed and soon I was laughing with the rest of them as they teased each other relentlessly. When they began to play properly I loved a couple of the new songs. Eddy slid in beside me and we chatted about what they were doing. A few times someone suggested a change, and they’d try again to see what effect it had. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t, but I loved the whole creative process.
Periodically I felt Cat’s gaze upon me. I wanted to pretend that I didn’t notice, that I didn’t care, but my body heated when I knew he was watching. In return I knew my own eyes fell on him more than any of the others. There was a magnetism to him that drew me in, worsened by the fact that once he’d snared my attention there was a lot to appreciate. His casual t-shirt and jeans suggested good things lay beneath.
“Delilah,” Eddy hissed, smacking my thigh and leaving his hand there, “stop staring or I’m going to find some water to throw over you. I swear, the looks the pair of you have been giving one another when you think the other one isn’t looking have made me hot under the collar. I’ve warned you what he’s like.”
“Stop it,” I hissed before glancing back at Cat. He was frowning at the sight of Eddy’s hand on my leg, which made me want to laugh. The band had been wrestling with a song that just kept missing slightly. I’d watched Matt and Henry on the guitars, my own fingers playing along, but deviating at the point where the song fell apart. “Matt,” I called, after they fell apart once more, “have you thought about playing an E there instead of a G. If you just sped the tempo up I think it would work better.” The guys all looked at me, and Henry frowned. I picked up an acoustic guitar and showed them what I meant. Then Matt tried what I’d suggested and suddenly it worked.
“Genius,” Matt said with a grin. “You can most certainly come again.” Even the usually hateful Henry nodded in agreement that the song worked better with my suggestion, and after another run-through they had it down.
“Great. That’s enough for today,” the recording engineer said when they’d finally got a version they could work with.
“You had any luck working on that ballad?” Matt asked Cat as they packed up their equipment. Cat blushed uncharacteristically, and again his eyes met mine.
“Nah, man. It’s okay, but not nearly ready for recording.”
“Ah, man, you know the girlies need one fucking love song from you on the album to make them want to drop their knickers; get onto it, will you? It’s always the money-spinner.”
“I’m just waiting for inspiration. I’ll put some work in on it and let you know soon,” he said, looking at me again before dropping his eyes to the floor.
“Fucking hell,” Henry complained, looking at Cat and then at me. “Are we all fucking sixteen again or what? I need some pussy. You game?” he asked Cat. I died a little inside at his words.
“Not me, man,” Cat replied. “I thought I’d stay in and do some writing.” Henry scowled, looked at me again and shrugged before he pushed past, out the studio.
“Movie night and pizza?” Matt suggested. “Eddy has never seen ‘Apocalypse Now’. I plan to rectify that.” I laughed. It was one of my favourite films, and I’d been equally appalled that he could admit to such an oversight.
“I haven’t seen ‘The Godfather’ either,” Eddy said with a laugh.
“Jesus, man, that’s no laughing matter. Call yourself a man?”
“Part II is better,” I insisted.
Cat raised an eyebrow. “Jesus, Delilah’s manlier than you are.” I laughed.
“I’ve seen ‘Gladiator’,” Eddy said. “I liked that.”
“Yeah, but you liked it because of Russell Crowe’s muscles, not because of the gore,” Matt said, laughing. “That was the first time I knew for sure you were gay.” Everyone laughed that time.
*
It was one of the most fun evenings I’d shared since Eddy and I had left Brighton. Bloated on pizza and beer, I lay in bed afterwards and smiled as I remembered the moment Eddy had shared how their dad had once tickled Matt so much when he was eight that he’d peed his pants. “You pinky swore you’d never tell,” Matt had cried, incensed, and proceeded to humiliate Eddy with stories of his own equally embarrassing moments.
Throughout the night I’d continued to exchange looks with Cat. I couldn’t seem to stop myself, and he seemed equally unable to avoid stealing glances back at me; I had felt his eyes upon me, even when I wasn’t looking at him. The thought made me smile again. I scolded myself not to think of him that way, knowing he’d only hurt me – just like Hardy had – but my heart seemed to have other ideas. I’d seen another side of the serial womaniser, the man he was amongst friends when he was relaxed. I liked him like that a lot. Too much.
Unable to sleep, after an hour of tossing and turning I found myself creeping towards the music room again. It was relatively soundproofed, but I heard the gentle strains of the piano being played when I reached the door. Someone had beaten me to it. The lilting sounds of a ballad called me into the room.
I pushed the door open as quietly as I was able and stopped. By the light of the full moon, which hung low in the sky tonight, bright enough to cast shadows, Cat sat at the piano, lost in his music. As he sang I heard his voice as I hadn’t heard it before; soft, husky, and full of emotion as he sang a song of love. This must have been the ballad he’d mentioned.
Several times he stopped and restarted, unable to find his path through. Whenever he reached a sticking point he returned to the beautiful chorus, which seemed to act as his anchor to the song. It made the hairs on the back of my neck and arms stand up as I longed to join him in the refrain;
What must I do to be the one you see?
To make you think only of me
for eternity, for eternity
When will you look up and see
The sum of what we two could be?
Infinity, infinity
Unable to help myself, my voice joined his in harmony in my mind. I longed to release the sound, but a final barrier held me back, even though I could hear how great it would sound with a female harmony. Unconsciously I moved into the room, needing to be closer, until finally he sensed me. This time, when he reached the end of the chorus he stopped and stared at me, speechless for a moment. “You were singing in your head,” he finally said. “I could feel it. Let me hear you.”
“One day,” I said, and then laughed awkwardly. “It’s bound to be a disappointment. I’m sorry I disturbed you,” I rushed on, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. “I couldn’t sleep. I thought I’d come and play, and then I heard you… I couldn’t help myself from coming in here.” I stopped talking, and the silence between us lengthened again as he continued to stare at me, while I fidgeted on the spot – squirming under his scrutiny and yet unable to move away. “It’s going to be a beautiful song,” I finally said.
“I’m glad you came down,” he said. He looked intense as he said it, his face a mix of confusion, uncertainty and longing, with flashes of desire. I found myself wanting to push away a strand of hair that had fallen across one eye, just so I could see more of their beautiful blue in the moonlight. “I often come in here at night. It’s how I write most of our music.”
“You do all of the writing, then?”
“Most of it. Henry did a couple of songs on the last album, but I’ve done the rest. I’m struggling with this, though. There’s something missing, I’m just not sure what the song needs yet. It’ll come to me eventually, but u
ntil it does I’ll have some sleepless nights. Hey,” he said suddenly, “maybe you can help? Will you help me write it?” He patted the piano seat beside him. I nodded, excited to be involved.
As I sat down next to him I tried to ignore my body’s response to his sheer proximity. All the fine hairs on my arms stood up with every light brush of his own as he played.
Together we wrote a beautiful song that told the story of a man who loves a woman but can’t tell her. I tried to pretend I didn’t see that all the time he sang he looked at me.
He was a great pianist, his fingers moving deftly across the keys as we found the right combinations to complement the words, madly scribbling what we’d done on his notebook as soon as he felt it was right. When we’d finished I looked over from my place beside him at the piano. “I think you just wrote a hit record.”
He didn’t reply at first, and I wondered if he’d heard me when he finally turned to me and said; “Not yet. Nearly. It’s still not quite there. Anyway, it was a joint effort.” He took a deep breath, as if to gather courage. “I want to kiss you, Delilah. I want to kiss you more than I want to take my next breath. But I won’t steal this one. I need you to give it freely to me.”
Emotions flooded my body at his words. Joy at the thought that this beautiful man felt the same physical response to me as I felt to him, and fear that I was opening myself up to more pain. Fear won. It was too much, too soon.
I stood abruptly. “I’m sorry,” I stuttered. “I can’t… I’m sorry,” I stumbled away from the piano bench and backed quickly towards the door before turning and running back to my room where I cried myself to sleep.
Chapter 16
Eddy woke me with a coffee. I sat up, my face feeling puffy and bloated after the tears the night before. “Do I want to know?” he asked, peering at me.
“What?” I asked defensively.
“Cat is in a foul mood. He’s already sacked someone and had a row with both Dougie and Matt. It’s obvious something happened between the time we all happily said goodnight after the movie and pizza, and this morning. Looking at the state of you I have a feeling I have a good idea what it might be.”