Heart of Gold

by Fiona Palmer

  Irene passed her a bottle of water and CJ took a calm sip, but her mind raced.

  ‘Do you feel any better? You’re really pale.’

  Irene’s concerned voice snapped her out of her self-pity. ‘Yeah. It might be the heat and all the walking.’

  She heaved her big body out of the chair and tried to block out the hurt, fear and shock of it all. Her dreams, her plans – shattered in one moment.

  Irene grabbed her hand. ‘Come on. I think we’d better take you home.’

  ‘Hey, there you guys are,’ said Paul as Chris moved to her side and rubbed her lower back gently. His concern made tears brim over. She felt so overloaded with emotions and needed a good cry.

  ‘She’s had a bit of a turn,’ said Irene.

  Straightaway both men turned to her like protective fathers.

  ‘I think we should go home,’ Irene said again.

  CJ sniffed back the tears. ‘I’m okay, honest.’

  ‘I’m ready to go home,’ said Chris, putting his arm around her and squeezing her close. She leaned her head on his shoulder and sighed.

  Paul nodded. ‘I think that’s a good idea. I’ve seen enough.’

  They walked out of the display shed and headed towards the car park. The whole time Chris kept his arm around CJ, almost holding her up. He really was a gentle soul and he would be a wonder ful father. Chris was reliable, caring and fun. Maybe it really was time for her to move on. At least Chris wanted her.

  46

  ‘EXCUSE me, CJ, but am I doing this right?’

  CJ left Rob and headed towards Jeremy and watched him move his handpiece. ‘You need to keep your inside foot behind the sheep’s shoulder and pull the sheep’s head high into your crutch. Hold it with your legs on the first blow to the brisket.’

  Jeremy tried moving his foot but he was still arse about face. He looked up at her with total confusion on his long, thin face, which matched his scrawny body. Damn. All the others were moving forward but Jeremy just couldn’t get the hang of it. He’d never been in a shed before so he’d never actually seen a sheep being shorn. She hadn’t had any pure newbies before and it was hard work. It was best to show him.

  ‘Josh, can I cut in, mate?’ she asked the bloke next to Jeremy who was just finishing his ewe.

  Josh shrugged his wide shoulders. Black hair sprouted from under his singlet across his chest.

  ‘Thanks.’ CJ pulled a sheep over and it pressed against her large tummy. Soon she was up to the face and last shoulder, the same place Jeremy was up to, and paused to look across at him.

  Both Josh and Jeremy had smiles on their faces.

  ‘What?’

  Josh laughed. ‘It’s just a sight you don’t see often, boss. Shearing as quickly as you do with such a big… you know… belly.’

  ‘Ah, you forget. I’ve seen plenty of blokes shearing with bigger bellies than I have.’

  Josh scratched his head. ‘Yeah, you’re right there. Maybe I should have said I ain’t seen a pregnant lady shear. I thought you’re supposed to be taking it easy.’

  ‘I would, Josh, but I can’t find a replacement shearer, so you’ll have to put up with me.’

  ‘We don’t mind, CJ. You’re much better to look at,’ laughed Jeremy.

  ‘Well, I’d rather you were taking an interest in your ewe. Now, watch closely at how I position my feet.’ She slowed down her movements, hoping that Jeremy was taking it all in. The last thing she wanted was to have Jeremy coming back, but the way he was going, two weeks just weren’t going to cut it.

  ‘Now, go on with yours,’ she huffed as the blood pumped into her face. It was getting harder every day. Her back would kill her tonight, her ankles were already starting to swell and she still had to pen up for tomorrow. Irene couldn’t make it today as she was sick with the flu, so CJ was flat out. The shed looked a mess, with fleeces piled up and wool scattered all over the floor. She didn’t have time to sweep up; she was barely getting the fleeces skirted and graded. Sweat trickled down her back as she stood up after pushing the ewe down the chute. Her large singlet stretched tight over her belly and her breasts, which she swore were growing every day, also pushed against the cotton.

  ‘Sheep ho,’ called Kevin from the last stand.

  CJ put her hands on her hips. ‘Kevin, you’re gonna have to do it yourself. I’m too busy, mate,’ she yelled, before gingerly climbing down from the raised floor to scoop up the fleece she’d just shorn.

  Half an hour later the guys knocked off and headed to the house for a beer, while she finished penning up. She swung one of the gates shut and caught her finger in it. Tears stung her eyes as she tried to ease the pain by shaking her hand.

  ‘Need some help?’

  She swung around at the familiar voice. ‘Hey, you.’ She tried to smile as she made her way through the pens towards him.

  ‘Thought you might need a hand today.’

  ‘Yeah, can you tell?’ She swept her arm across the messy shed. It was still beautiful to her. The afternoon sun filtered through holes in the walls like laser beams. The students had taken to using the spray can to write their names on the wall as they finished. CJ really liked it. The red, blue and green names written under each date gave the shed character – and it was a record of the school. She didn’t know what would happen when they ran out of wall space. Start on the outside, maybe? The shed was silent, her favourite time, when the machines, wool press and CD player had been turned off. It was peaceful, even with the rattling of the loose tin in the breeze, the shuffling of hooves and the occasional baa.

  Chris stretched up his hands to help her down from the raised floor. He did it with ease and she admired his green Maori charm on his necklace. Chris kept his arms around her and she didn’t move away.

  ‘You look knackered.’

  ‘I feel knackered. I’m starting to crack. I’ve just been so busy and this lump isn’t getting any easier to carry around.’ And the day the baby would be coming out was fast approaching, and CJ was scared. Scared about doing it all on her own. She felt tears prickle again and cursed her hormones, her sore body and tired mind.

  ‘Ah, CJ. You work yourself so hard. I’m here. Why don’t you ever ask for help?’ Chris brushed her cheek, wiping away the tear that fell.

  ‘I don’t know,’ she sighed and hung her head.

  Chris lifted her chin gently. ‘No, you’re just too stubborn and proud, so much like Burt. But it’s what makes you so amazing.’

  She beamed at his praise, and found herself lost in his caring eyes. Chris really cared about her.

  His mouth came towards her lips and brushed them gently at first, and when she didn’t pull away, he claimed them. She felt his warmth and snaked her arms up to his neck and soft hair. His body pushed against her belly as he came closer.

  Chris held her face in his soft hands. They weren’t like Lindsay’s and she found herself missing the roughness. Chris smelt like new office carpet and linen, and her heart ached for the smell of lanolin and Lindsay’s deodorant. She missed the way he teased her and called her Calamity, the way he held her so her head nuzzled perfectly against his neck.

  Chris pulled back. ‘What’s wrong?’ His thumb wiped away fresh tears on her cheeks, tears she didn’t even realise were there.

  Quickly she brushed them away. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t.’ The hurt and confusion on his face made her cry even more. ‘You’re wonderful, Chris, but I’m not ready.’

  ‘Lindsay?’

  She nodded. ‘I’m still in love with him and I can’t ask you to wait until I’m over him. That’s not fair on you.’

  Chris combed his hand through his hair and stepped back. ‘Do you think you’ll ever be over him?’

  ‘Maybe one day. I don’t know. I can see I’m hurting you and I don’t want that. Can we just stay friends… please?’

  He nodded but the harm had been done. She realised just how much more he felt for her than she’d known.

  ‘I think I’m go
nna move back to town. A place has come up and it’s close to work, no more long drives each day dodging roos.’

  Her heart dropped. He was trying to make light of the situation but she understood he couldn’t be around her any more.

  He cleared his throat. ‘Come on. I’ll help you get the shed cleaned up for tomorrow.’

  She watched as he got the broom and set about sweeping the wool into a pile, his shoulders hunched and heavy. Yep, she felt like an A-grade bitch. Chris deserved better.

  Was she doomed to spend the rest of her life pining after Lindsay, even though he didn’t want her?

  47

  LINDSAY sat in the new patio area on a wooden bench, with a coffee in his hand. The ten o’clock sun was warm on his bare legs and he watched the working dogs laze nearby, resting on each other. Total serenity.

  A minute later it was disturbed by James hooning up to the house in his red Holden crew cab and stopping in a sideways skid. Lindsay wondered if he’d had a fight with Bianca – after all, she was a fiery redhead.

  ‘Hey, bro!’ yelled James.

  He bounced out of the ute with a huge smile on his face and a newspaper in his hand. Lindsay quickly scrapped the fighting idea.

  ‘What’s up with you?’ said Lindsay as James plonked himself on the bench alongside him.

  ‘You’re gonna love me, Slick. Bianca was reading the paper and she found this ad. I reckon it’s right up your alley, bro! Here, I’ll read it out: Shearing school seeking exceptional shearer with strong technique and the ability to teach students the craft of shearing. Part-time job, or full-time if combined with farm work. Please call blah blah blah for more information. Well, what do you think? It’s perfect.’

  Lindsay took the paper from James and re-read the ad. ‘It sounds great. Thanks, mate,’ said Lindsay before throwing the paper back to James.

  ‘What?’ said James.

  ‘You know, I’ve learnt a few things recently. Dad helped actually. I’ve realised I can survive without being in the shearing shed. Life moves on. Sorting out a new breeding program for the farm has been more enjoyable than I ever imagined. I can see myself happy here. Dad and I get on so much better now and it’s great being with you…’

  ‘I hear a but?’

  Lindsay nodded. ‘But I’ve also realised I can’t live without CJ. My life is just not worth living if she’s not a part of it. Everything is coming together now, James. I don’t know if it was the drugs, talking with Margaret, sorting the stuff out with Dad, or maybe a combination of them all, but I’m back and I have perspective.’

  James smiled and nodded. ‘Yes, you’re definitely not the same bloke who was drowning in depression. I must admit you had me worried for a while there.’

  Lindsay raised his eyebrows. ‘I think I had everyone worried, even myself.’ He looked James squarely in the eye. ‘I still love her. I don’t want to live without her.’

  James laughed and hit him with the newspaper. ‘I can see that. I’m not blind. So what’s stopping you from going and getting the girl?’

  ‘I don’t know. What if she doesn’t want me back? James, it’s so long since I saw her last.’

  ‘So? How are you going to know if you don’t try? You’re going to have to do some pretty smooth talking to get back in her good books and make her see you still love her. Know what I mean?’

  ‘I think so.’ Lindsay knew it was going to take more than just an ‘I love you’ for her to fall back into his arms, where she belonged. ‘I’ll go tomorrow.’

  ‘Call me and let me know how it goes, okay?’

  Lindsay agreed and they sat quietly, listening to the galahs screeching in the nearby gum trees as the sun rose further into the pale, blue sky.

  The next morning Lindsay packed an overnight bag. Whatever happened, he could always go and stay with Doug and Tess. He was way overdue for a catch-up.

  He hit the road for the three-hour drive and soon his thoughts turned to his days with CJ. He wondered how much Lake Moore had changed since he’d been gone. It had been well over a year. He knew Burt had left CJ a bit of land – Doug had told him that much when he rang not long after Burt’s funeral to see how CJ was coping. But would much else have changed?

  The closer he got to Lake Moore, the more nervous he became. In his heart he hoped she’d welcome him back with open arms, but he’d hurt her a lot and doubted that would happen. He prepared himself for the anger or the rejection. Or worse – maybe she loved someone else now.

  Soon he was heading down the main street of Lake Moore. He was early and decided to go to the IGA store for an iced coffee and today’s paper.

  Even though it was nearly September, the frosty mornings were too cold for shorts. His boots scuffed as he walked past the sliding door and into the airconditioned shopping centre, lifting his sunglasses to his head. He headed for the fridge aisle and grabbed a Masters brand, his favourite. As he rounded the shelves, he bumped into a bloke and dropped his coffee.

  ‘Sorry,’ they both said together.

  ‘Thanks,’ Lindsay said as the guy handed the bottle to him. He recognised the face. ‘Chris, right?’

  ‘Yeah. How are you, Lindsay?’ Chris held out his hand. He was friendly enough but looked like he’d just put down his dog.

  ‘Are you here visiting Irene?’

  ‘No, I live here now. Got my own business in town.’

  ‘Oh right. That’s great.’

  ‘You here to see CJ?’ Chris asked warily.

  Lindsay couldn’t help smiling at hearing her name spoken. Euphoria tickled his body. ‘Sure am. Have you seen her lately?’

  Chris looked crestfallen. ‘Not for a week or more.’

  ‘I suppose she’ll be busy at work?’

  Chris sighed before saying, ‘You’ll find her out at Burt’s old place, in the shearing shed.’

  ‘Oh, okay. Cheers for that.’

  ‘Yeah, no worries. See ya.’

  Lindsay walked to the checkout with a spring in his step. He would get to see her soon. He didn’t know if he wanted to sing with joy or scream with fear.

  48

  LINDSAY turned down the gravel road to the old house on Rosevale. The morning air was warm and the sky was glowing in swirls of pink and blue from the setting sun. He could smell spring in the air; the scent of the flowering gums drifted on the breeze.

  As the house came into view, his eye started to twitch and his chest was tight, making it hard to breathe. He was so excited and nervous to be back where he’d shared his time with CJ.

  The house had been painted and as he drove past he spotted a large patio that had been erected out the back. Wow. She’d done some work to the place. There were a couple of cars and about four utes parked nearby. Must be the shearing crew. Excitedly he drove on to the shed and walked straight inside. He immediately noticed it had been set up with eight stands, not the original six. Instead of a heap of his old team members shearing away, there were unknowns – a couple of them barely eighteen. Something was wrong. Where were all the rousies? He saw Irene at the skirting table on her own and Dot whooshed in front with a floor scraper. He walked over to Irene.

  ‘Lindsay, what are you doing here?’ Irene asked. Both Irene and Dot looked shocked.

  ‘Hi, Irene. Dot, how are you?’ They didn’t answer. ‘Where is CJ?’

  Both sets of eyes went to the back of the shed, where the pens were. With his constricted chest, he headed back towards the stands and called her name.

  CJ pushed a ewe through the gap with her foot and turned her head at the sound of her name. Jeremy must have forgotten something. Bugger. She was hoping he’d come good on the last day.

  ‘Calamity!’

  She stood up, confused, and made her way back to Jeremy’s stand. As she got closer, she saw Lindsay down on the floor below.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked in a rush, quickly hiding behind the wall of the pen. Her hands gripped the top. Was he here to tell her to forget him, that he was moving on?
>
  ‘I’ve come to see you,’ he said over the noise of the shed.

  ‘Yeah, and?’

  Lindsay looked around and Irene and Dot quickly jumped back to work. ‘Can we talk outside?’

  There was no way CJ was leaving the safety of the pen wall. It was the perfect height to hide her belly. ‘Nope, sorry. Too busy. You’ll just have to tell me here.’ With all the people around, there’d be a chance she wouldn’t cry her eyes out. She used to be tough, before her hormones decided to have a party and not invite her.

  Lindsay stepped up the raised floor with ease. He paused next to Jeremy and watched him shear for a moment. ‘Hey, mate, if you use your free hand on its shoulder to straighten the front leg, it’ll make it easier.’ Lindsay leaned down and showed Jeremy what he meant. He asked if he could use Jeremy’s handpiece, then demonstrated, talking him through what he was doing. He gave the handpiece back and watched for a few seconds. ‘See, heaps better already.’

  CJ edged as close as she could to the pen wall and bent forward slightly. She couldn’t believe Lindsay had just sorted out what she’d been trying to fix for two weeks. He was amazing.

  ‘So?’ she asked. His scent hit her and her body reacted on instinct. She savoured the sensation that spread through her.

  ‘Um, well, I’ve come back for you, if you’ll have me?’

  ‘What?’ CJ tried to close her mouth.

  Jeremy managed to finish his sheep and pulled the rope, shutting off his motor and leaving Lindsay practically yelling, ‘I love you and I want to be with you, if you still want me.’

  All of a sudden you could have heard a pin drop. Everyone had stopped and was pretending to oil their cutters.

  CJ sighed. ‘All right, you fellas. Go on, piss off and have your break early.’

  They all turned to her with big smiles. Josh gave her a wink and Jeremy said, ‘Good luck, boss!’ as they walked from the shed. Dot and Irene followed but CJ was sure they wouldn’t be far away.