by Cas Lester
SQUIIIRRRRRT!
‘Close the doors,’ he yelled, and the huge metal doors began to slide shut. He made a dash for the gap and just managed to dive through before they clanged shut. Frantically, he locked the doors.
Then, sweaty and panting, he joined his crew in a collapsed heap on the deck. No one spoke. They were too busy recovering and thanking their lucky cosmic stars they were still alive.
Doomed and done for
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
The Bling Bots started on the doors again. The thick metal began to crumple and buckle. The horrified crew realised it was only a matter of minutes before they disintegrated altogether, leaving them at the mercy of the Bling Bots.
(Except of course, Bling Bots have no mercy. They don’t see the point.
Actually, can I just say that I was wrong in Chapter Twenty-One? There is something worse than having a bunch of brutally vicious Bling Bots in your cargo hold.
It’s having a bunch of brutally vicious Bling Bots in your cargo hold, trying to get out.)
Chapter Twenty-four
No chance
‘It’s hopeless,’ puffed Scrummage as Harvey helped haul him to his feet.
‘We’re outnumbered and outgunned,’ wheezed Gizmo bent over double.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
P’TOING! P’TOING!
The Bling Bots relentlessly continued pounding the cargo doors.
‘Our weapons are rubbish!’ panted Maxie.
‘No they’re not!’ snapped Gizmo, who was responsible for supplying all the kit on the ship.
Harvey held up his AstroForce blaster crossbow. ‘Be honest, Gizmo. This is a water pistol, isn’t it?’
‘Er … yes.’
‘Oh, for crying out loud!’ said Maxie.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
P’TOING! P’TOING!
went the Bling Bots’ guns.
CRUMPLE, BUCKLE, BUCKLE!
went the doors.
‘We have to penetrate their defence,’ said Harvey. ‘Find their weak spot’.
‘But they don’t have one,’ said Maxie.
‘We need something that can rupture their metal exoskeletons and fuse their intricate robotic inner parts,’ said Gizmo.
‘Huh?’ said Scrummage.
‘We need something that can get through their metal bodies and gum up their works,’ explained Harvey.
P’TOING! P’TOING!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
went the Bling Bots’ guns – again.
BUCKLE, BUCKLE!
CRUMBLE, CRUMBLE, RIIIP!
went the doors.
Extra mozzarella!
Suddenly Harvey snatched up his water pistol, er … I mean his AstroForce blaster crossbow and pelted off along the corridor. ‘Grab your weapons! Follow me.’
‘Is this a tactical withdrawal?’ panted Gizmo as they pelted along.
‘No, I’ve had an idea.’
Harvey led the crew along the grimy, dimly lit corridors of the Toxic Spew to the galley. Their feet squelching softly at every sticky step.
Yargal had barricaded herself and Snuffles behind a heap of old pizza boxes in the galley doorway, and it took a few moments to break in. Snuffles barked and scrabbled furiously and they could hear Yargal whimpering.
AROOOO, AROOOO, AROOOO!
WHIMPER, WHIMPER!
‘Don’t panic, it’s us,’ cried Harvey. Then while everyone hurled empty pizza boxes out of the way he astonished them by yelling: ‘Yargal, heat up a couple of buckets of your molten mozzarella and bright green glow-in the-dark extra hot spicy rocket fuel sauce.’
Yargal was utterly confused. ‘Er … yes, sir, if you say so, sir,’ she said, then added, ‘Um, do you want anything with that?’
‘Yup – extra mozzarella!’
Meanwhile, back outside the cargo hold …
ZAP-A-ZAP-A-ZAP!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
RIIIIIP! KERRRRANG!
The massive solid metal doors couldn’t take any more. They burst open and the Bling Bots stormed through.
Melting mozzarella!
In the galley the crew waited feverishly for the mozzarella to melt into the rocket fuel sauce.
‘Hurry up,’ said Scrummage to Yargal, who was frantically stirring the sauce with all of her six tentacles at the same time.
‘I’m going as fast as I can,’ she whimpered.
Bleep, blibble bleep, the computer’s voice broke the tension. ‘I hate to interrupt the pizza party,’ it said. ‘But I thought you might like to know that the cargo doors have given way and the Bling Bots are happily playing hide-and-seek. They’re the seekers and they’re looking for you.
‘But don’t worry, they’re quite cold. They’re searching the bridge. So there’s every chance you’ll get to have at least a couple of bites of pizza before they track you down and kill you. Enjoy your pizza!’ it said cheerily, and bleeped off.
‘It’s nearly ready,’ cried Yargal, frantically beating the sauce.
‘We’ll take it as it is,’ ordered Harvey.
Rocket fuel sauce
Feverishly the crew filled their weapons.
Harvey’s AstroForce blaster crossbow and Gizmo’s NovaBazuka Mark 3 loaded quickly and easily. Scrummage’s huge Jellyfier bomb launcher was slower, but it took litres of the stuff.
They couldn’t find a way to pour it into Maxie’s Meteor-Storm pellet gun without it trickling out again. So Yargal offered her some sugar-coated cupcake silver balls instead.
‘Anything’s better than nothing,’ said Maxie bravely.
‘What are we going to do if it doesn’t work?’ said Scrummage, shouldering the huge Jellyfier launcher.
‘It will,’ snapped Maxie, loading her Meteor-Storm pellet gun with silver cupcake sugar balls.
‘Harvey’s got us through stacks of deadly dangerous situations. Like poisonous killer maggots, a multiple spacecraft pile-up, and exploding garbage. And I bet before he joined us, he probably faced all sorts of other dire and dreadful challenges and he obviously coped with them or he wouldn’t be here now,’ she said. ‘I trust him.’
Harvey was about to remind her that it was his fault they were trapped with the Bling Bots in the first place. But the computer chipped in.
‘Oohhh, they’re getting much warmer now … in fact they’re almost getting hot!’
Gizmo turned to Scrummage. ‘Maxie’s right. Captain Harvey is brilliant! And may I also remind you just how much damage the smallest mini, micro, milli-atom of molten mozzarella can do!’
‘And you’ve no idea how much damage Yargal’s bright green glow-in-the-dark extra hot spicy rocket fuel sauce can do either!’ said Harvey. ‘No offence, Yargal,’ he added.
But Yargal was much too terrified to care. She trembled violently from the tips of her yellow googly eyes to the ends of her blue tentacles.
Hold your fire!
They could hear the metal feet of the Bling Bots clanking up the corridors and closing in on them.
‘Snuffles, look after Yargal,’ ordered Harvey. The huge Hazard Hunting Hound put his enormous shaggy body in front of Yargal, hackles raised, teeth bared, saliva drooling into pools on the floor, snarling and growling ferociously.
‘Good boy,’ said Harvey.
‘Ooooh, they’re getting hotter! Hotter, hotter, hotter! Yup, they’ve found you!’ cried the computer gaily as the clank of robotic feet got nearer and nearer.
‘Computer, SHUT UP!’ barked Harvey.
‘Oh, sorreee, I was only trying to add a little party spirit.’
The Bling Bots were just outside the galley door.
‘Take up positions and standby,’ cried Harvey. The crew levelled their guns at the galley doorway. ‘Hold your fire. Steady, steady … wait for my command.
‘They think it’s all over … ’ muttered Harvey to himself through clenched teeth, and as the galley door flung open and the Bling Bots stormed in he added, ‘it is now!’
‘FIRE!’ he yelled.
And the brave but grubby Bin Men let rip with all guns blazing, or rather squirting.
SQUIIIIIIIRT! SPLAT!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
SQUIIIIIIIRT, SPLAT! SPLATTER, SPLAT!
ZAP-A-ZAP-A-ZAP!
P’TOING! P’TOING!
SQUIIIIIIIRT, SPLATTER, SPLATTER, SQUIIIIIIIRT, SPLAT!
Then suddenly,
BZZZZ BZZ BZZZZZZ!
There was a wonderful buzzing sound –
BZZZZ TZZCHHER ZTTZZZZ BZZ!
exactly as if some electrical wires were touching each other when they shouldn’t be, and the Bling Bots stopped shooting. Their huge single eyes rolled shut in their brains, and their robotic bodies clunked and wound down, like remote control toys when the batteries die.
It was all over.
The Bling Bots didn’t stand a chance against Yargal’s molten mozzarella and bright green glow-in the-dark extra hot spicy rocket fuel sauce.
(But then, hey, who does?)
Chapter Twenty-five
Splattered mozzarella!
Harvey and Maxie sat slumped and exhausted on the filthy deck in the galley of the Toxic Spew. The entire room was splattered with a staggering quantity of molten mozzarella and rocket fuel sauce.
Snuffles was having the time of his life, licking up endless dollops of sauce with his huge tongue.
Blobs of it dripped off the surfaces and dribbled down the fridge. The hot plates were plastered with it, and splodges of molten mozzarella were smeared all over the 3D pizza printer.
In all honesty it didn’t look that much different than usual.
(Sorry, were you imagining that the Toxic Spew would have a squeaky clean galley with spotless metal surfaces and gleaming state-of-the-art cooking equipment?
Don’t be silly.)
The Bling Bots were gummed up, tied up and locked up in Yargal’s large food storage bins. Gizmo had gone to the bridge to alert the Intergalactic Traffic Police.
Yargal was frantically searching through cupboards and wondering if she could rustle up a celebratory pizza.
But she couldn’t find any mozzarella.
Of course there was plenty of it splattered all over the galley. But even Yargal has some standards.
How much Techno-tium!?
It won’t surprise you to know that Scrummage had dashed off to the cargo hold to see how much Techno-tium they had – and more importantly, how much it was worth. Maxie and Harvey were too tired to care.
Harvey sat cross-legged and weary with his head in his hands. ‘I nearly got us all killed,’ he said to Maxie quietly.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ she said.
‘Yes it was. It was my idea to hide – and then I got us trapped.’
Maxie tucked her hair behind her ears and then said firmly. ‘Harvey, it was our fault. And I’m not just saying that to make you feel better.
‘You didn’t know how dangerous it was having such valuable cargo. But we did. And we knew that if we told you, you wouldn’t let us take the risk. So we didn’t tell you,’ she shrugged.
‘And anyhow, if it wasn’t for you we wouldn’t have got away with it. But we did … and now we’re going to be rich!’ She laughed, her bright turquoise eyes shining in her purple face. ‘RICH!’
Just at that moment Scrummage hailed them on the inter-ship coms SpaceTime system from the cargo hold. His voice sounded strangely tense.
‘I’m holding the Techno-tium,’ he said.
‘How much is there?’ asked Maxie breathlessly.
There was a pause while Scrummage seemed to be struggling to control his emotions, and then he said: ‘It’s about the size of a silver cupcake sugar ball.’
‘What! Is that all?’
‘Yup,’ said Scrummage. He was gutted.
‘Computer, how much is that worth?’ asked Harvey.
The computer was just about to answer, but Gizmo cut in …
‘Bridge to Captain, the Intergalactic Traffic Police are on their way. Um … do we know how much Techno-tium we have yet?’ he added, trying to sound casual. ‘And, more importantly, what it’s worth!’
‘Er, yes,’ said Harvey.
‘I was just about to say when you so rudely interrupted me,’ snipped the computer.
But Gizmo was too excited to bother about manners. ‘Well?’ he blurted out eagerly. ‘Is there enough for a new Cygnus 7 single-seater shuttle craft with its revolutionary TripTronic gearing system?’
‘Nope,’ said the computer.
‘Oh,’ said Gizmo flatly.
‘Is there enough for a personal 3D pizza printer, unlimited supplies of mozzarella, chocolate, banana custard and chilli sauce, and a small planet with sandy white beaches and a heated sea?’ asked Scrummage hopefully.
‘Nope!’
‘Speckled vomit!’ sighed Scrummage disappointedly.
‘How about a Cassini Personal HeliDroid, with inbuilt VidiScape gaming system, subsonic sound, 3V-360 VisionVisor, multi-player, multi-platform and multi-universe enabled features, downloadable cosmic content capability, pangalactic performance power enhancers and the Stella BonusBox? asked Maxie.
‘Nope!’
‘Which means there’s nowhere near enough for us to give up garbage collecting long enough to find Earth,’ said Harvey, sadly.
‘Absolutely correct!’ said the computer. ‘But I’m glad you mentioned that. Because I think I’ve found your home planet!’
‘Really!’ cried Harvey excitedly.
‘Is this Earth?’
‘Is it purple with a pink gas cloud ring, orbited by three glow-in-the-dark lime green moons just the other side of the asteroid belt in the Erical Galaxy?’
‘Nope,’ said Harvey.
‘Ah. In that case I haven’t. Sorry. Never mind, cheer up! Because there is enough Techno-tium to buy a rubber counter gravity bumper, a reactor-driven heat shield, and a reversing camera for the ship! Well, second-hand ones off the Outernet.’
‘Oh, excellent!’ cried Gizmo.
‘Cool!’ said Maxie, who was fed up with reversing the Toxic Spew and not being able to see what she was doing.
‘And, as well as getting the vital spare parts for the ship, there’s enough Techno-tium to get everyone a bumper family-size pack of grated mozzarella cheese – each!’
‘Well, I guess that’s better than nothing,’ said Harvey.
But then he’s new to the job. So hey, what does he know!
Acknowledgements
With the most enormous and heartfelt thanks to:
Gaia Banks for continuing to give me most excellent, and honest, criticism as well as support and advice and some rather nice lunches.
Sara O’Connor for her skilful editing and story guidance, and the fabulous Hot Key Books team, especially Jenny Jacoby and Megan Farr.
Cait Davies from Hot Key Books for her tireless efforts to turn me from technodork to technotyro – a remarkable achievement.
Jacqueline Wilson for encouraging me and saying such lovely things about the first Harvey Drew book.
Alfie, Bertie, Archie and Annie Beth for being proud of me.
And Annie Beth for giving Maxie the best line in the book: ‘Death by pizza! Not a very heroic way to die!’
And finally,
Sam Hearn for his brilliant illustrations. Sam, this is a huge thank you for adding so much in your pictures. Sam, you rock.
Cas Lester
Cas spent many years having a fabulous time, and a great deal of fun, working in children’s television drama with CBBC. She developed and executive-produced lots of programmes including JACKANORY, MUDDLE EARTH, THE MAGICIAN OF SAMARKAND, BIG KIDS and THE STORY OF TRACY BEAKER. Her programmes have been nominated for numerous awards, including BAFTAS, Royal Television Awards and Broadcast Children’s Awards.
Now she’s having a fabulous time, and a great deal of fun, writing books for children, helping out in a primary school library and mucking about with her family. She has four children, three chickens and a daft dog called Bra
mble. She would absolutely love to go into space. But not on the Toxic Spew.
FROM THE EXPERT
Professor Matthew Colless is an astronomer who is Director of the Research School of Astronomy and Astrophysics at the Australian National University in Canberra. His main research is on understanding how galaxies and larger structures form in the universe. However, he also helps to build instruments for telescopes, and this has led him to get involved in a new research centre that is working on solutions to the problem of space junk.
Q. What is space trash?
A. Space trash is all the stuff orbiting the Earth that’s not meant to be there.
Q. Where does it come from?
A. Wherever people go they leave trash behind, and space is no different. Space trash includes all sorts of things: satellites that no longer work, debris from collisions between satellites, parts off old rockets, tools lost by astronauts, and even just flecks of paint off spacecraft.
Q. How much of it is there?
A. Lots! At present tens of thousands of pieces of space junk are being tracked, but it is estimated that there are several hundred thousand pieces of space junk orbiting the Earth.
Q. Why is it a problem?
A. Space trash is a problem because it can collide with valuable things like communications satellites or the International Space Station and cause serious damage. Even small pieces of space trash can do a lot of damage because things in orbit move so quickly. In low Earth orbit things are moving at about 7 km/s (16000 mph) – or about ten times faster than a bullet!
Q. What are space experts doing about it?
A. The first thing to do is to track the space trash so you know how much there is and where it is, so that satellites and the International Space Station can manoeuvre to avoid it. But some satellites can’t do that, so another option is move the space trash instead by pushing it with a laser beam. But if there’s too much space junk it won’t be possible to dodge or push it out of the way all the time. So we need to figure out ways to reduce the amount of junk in orbit. One way is to use lasers to slow the space junk down so it falls out of orbit and burns up harmlessly in the atmosphere.