Northern Lights

by Michelle Cary

  “I don’t understand, honey. If he didn’t hurt you, why are you so upset? I mean I know the situation was a little unnerving for you, but to be honest, most women up here just tell guys like that to buzz off.”

  “It’s not just that.”

  “Then what is it?”

  She tried to wave him off with a dismissive hand, hoping he’d let the subject drop. “Never mind. I’ll be fine.”

  “Oh, no, you’re not going to stand here in front of me on the verge of tears and then give me that ‘never mind’ bullshit. Something’s wrong, Brooke. Tell me what it is so I can fix it.”

  “You can’t fix it,” she retorted as she wiped an errant tear from her cheek, angry at herself for allowing the situation to balloon out of control. “Nobody can fix it. Just let it go, okay?”

  “No, it’s not okay and I’m not going to let it go. Something happened in there that’s upset you more than it should. I want to know what that something is.”

  “Nothing happened in there, Nathan.”

  “Then what is it that’s put you in knots?”

  “I was raped, okay?” As soon as she said the words, Brooke wanted to reach into the air and stuff them back into her mouth. For nine years she’d kept her horrible secret and in a moment of weakness she’d let it slip. Her gaze fell to the ground and she studied the pattern of the walkway leading up to the bar.

  She hated herself for allowing the words to escape, but strangely enough, a huge sense of relief now settled over her. Hundreds of miles away from home and with no place to run, she had no choice but to face Nathan and hope he’d let the subject drop. Drumming up the courage to speak again was hard enough, but she simply couldn’t bring herself to look him in the face. “I want to go back to the boat,” she whispered.

  “Okay. Let me tell the guys we’re leaving and I’ll grab your coat and we can go.”

  Oh, man! That’s not what she’d meant and she was pretty sure he knew it. Ignoring the tears now cascading down her cheeks, she forced herself to look up and meet his stare. “No. Just put me in a cab and tell them where to go. You stay with your crew. I’ll be fine.”

  Nathan’s expression changed from that of concern to something darker, and she would have sworn he could heat the air with his anger alone. “You will not go back to the boat alone,” he boomed.

  “But—”

  He shook his head, sending his long mane of hair flying. “No buts. You don’t want to stay here, that’s fine. I understand, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you go back to the boat by yourself. One missed step while you’re trying to climb aboard and you could end up in the icy water below. With nobody around to help, you’d die.”

  “But I’m not drunk, Nathan, and you know I can swim.”

  “Not if you hit your head on the way down. Besides, I think we need to talk about this.”

  CHAPTER 5

  Silence accompanied the cab ride back to the Northern Lights. Nathan sat in the back seat next to her, stewing over her revelation. He’d love nothing more than to find the asshole who’d violated her and break the son-of-a-bitch in half. No, that was wrong. He didn’t want to break the man, he wanted to torture the bastard until he was begging Nathan to kill him and put the poor sick fuck out of his misery. How could any man do something so vile to a woman, especially such a wonderful person as Brooke?

  He slid a quick glance at Brooke, who sat scrunched against the opposite side door, creating an invisible wall between them. How long had she been erecting barriers to keep people at a distance? How long had she been silently suffering?

  While he might not know exactly how she was feeling, he did intimately know how it felt to suffer alone. A quick picture of Casey flashed in his mind. While others had been able to move on after her death, he hadn’t and was eventually left to deal with the pain alone. Even all these years later, he had moments when it took every ounce of strength he had to get out of bed and face a day without her and the boys.

  One thing was for sure—if he had anything to do with it, Brooke wouldn’t suffer alone any longer.

  Once back safely on board the Northern Lights, he gave her some space and a few moments to gather her thoughts. He hoped she would open up and talk to him. No such luck. If her current attitude meant anything, he’d have to say she had no intention of talking to him or anyone else about what had happened.

  She turned to him, revealing what he was sure was a forced smile. “Thank you for making sure I got back here safely. I’m going to head to bed now. So if you want to go back to the bar, you can.”

  After her disclosure, the last thing he wanted was push her into a corner, but no way was she going to blurt out something like that and then not expand on it. “Honey, I think we need to talk about what you said back at the bar.”

  She straightened her spine. “On second thought, I’m not all that tired yet. I think I’ll go sit in the wheelhouse and look at the stars.” Without ever looking back at him, she turned and headed up the steps.

  Nathan followed and stopped short when he spotted her standing at the top of the steps staring out the window. “Brooke?”

  She didn’t move, didn’t even acknowledge his presence. He eased up behind her. Her shoulders moved up and down, leading him to believe she was trying hard not to cry. A fissure started in his heart. He’d seen a lot of ugliness over the years and could handle most situations, but seeing her cry again would be more than he could bear. “Honey, please talk to me.”

  “Why? You can’t change it.”

  “No, I can’t, but sometimes it helps to talk to somebody. Just getting it out in the open can be a huge relief.”

  “It was a long time ago, and I thought I’d put it behind me.” She sucked in a ragged breath. “But his breath smelled just like my—the man’s that night and all the memories came rushing back.”

  Nathan heart cracked just a little more and he nestled in close behind her. “I’m sorry that happened to you, and I wish more than anything I could make the pain go away.” He lifted his hands to her shoulders and began rubbing a path up and down her arms. “I want you to know you’re not alone in this anymore. I’m here for you, sweetheart. If you want to talk about it or you need a shoulder to cry on, whatever it is, I’m here.”

  She turned into his embrace and rested her head against his chest, but she didn’t cry. “It happened so long ago, but sometimes it still feels like it was yesterday. All I’ve ever wanted is to forget it and move on.”

  “Have you ever talked to anybody about this? A councilor or therapist?”

  She shook her head. “I kept thinking if I just didn’t mention it, it would go away. Guess I was wrong, huh?”

  He rubbed a hand in tiny circles over her back. “You can’t keep stuff like that inside. It festers like a sore and grows until it eats you alive, leaving nothing but a broken shell behind. Believe me when I tell you it will never go away if you can’t face it head on.”

  She gave a slight smile. “More counseling, Dr. Lowery?”

  He pulled her a little closer and dropped a soft kiss in her hair. “Just experience talking is all.”

  She lifted her head to look at him. Then her expression changed and she pushed away. “What the hell am I thinking? I can’t be hanging all over you, whining about my problems like you’re my long lost boyfriend or something.”

  “Hey…” He tipped her chin up with his finger. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. Right now you don’t need a boss, you need friend.”

  “That may be, but this isn’t the time for me to be worrying about it.”

  “Why not?”

  “This is supposed to be a tough man’s job and having a weepy woman on board kinda puts a dent in that image.”

  He brushed a thumb over her cheek and felt the slight dampness beneath this thumb. “You’ve lived with this pain in silence. I think that makes you as tough as any man on this boat, including me.”

  * * *

  Nathan was still awake and kicking himself f
or the way he’d forced her to go to the bar with them when the rest of his crew returned to the boat. But then how was he supposed to know about the rape when she’d so carefully kept it hidden away? Still there had been signs and he’d completely ignored them.

  He stared down at maps and tried to concentrate on where he wanted to drop their pots this year. Much to his frustration, Kyle and Zach returned a bit more toasted than they should knowing what was coming up, but that would be their problem tomorrow. They all knew better than to get shit-faced the night before the season began and they all knew the consequences if they did.

  Adam’s head appeared over the railing separating the wheelhouse from the steps leading down into the galley and common area. “You didn’t come back. Is everything okay with Brooke?”

  Nathan looked up at his brother and tried to decide how much he should tell him. The boat was no place for secrets, but he knew Brooke had trusted him with something she’d never told anyone. The last thing he wanted to do was breach that trust. “Not really, but I think with a little help she will be.”

  Adam wrinkled his brow. “What the hell does that mean?”

  Nathan motioned to the steps. “The rest of the guys are in bed already?”

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “Because she’ll kill me if she knew I was telling you this. I absolutely don’t want the rest of the crew to know.”

  “Know what?”

  He blew out a long breath and raked a hand through his hair. “She was raped.”

  Adam’s mouth opened slightly and his eyes grew wide. “She told you that?”

  Nathan nodded, feeling like a heel for violating her trust. “And that incident back at the bar brought all those horrible memories flooding back for her.”

  “I don’t think she’s ever told Willow. I’m sure I’d have heard about it if she had.”

  “She said she’d never told anybody until now.” Nathan leveled a finger at his brother. “And I don’t want you saying a word to Willow or anybody else. Brooke trusted me with this, and I’d hate to lose that trust.”

  “Then why did you tell me?”

  “Because this is your boat, too, and you have a right to know what’s going on. Besides, I know you’d want to help her if you can. I’m not sure yet why it’s so important to her for others not to know, but I intend to find out.”

  Adam walked into the wheelhouse and plopped down on the small couch built into the back wall. “How long ago did this happen?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t get a lot of details from her. She was too upset, and I don’t want her pulling away from me so I didn’t press her for information.”

  “This is a lot of responsibility on your shoulders now. What are you going to do?”

  Hadn’t he spent the last hour asking that same question? There wasn’t any doubt in his mind that he cared a lot for the petite red head now sleeping soundly in his bunk. But how deep did those feelings run? What this simply a case of friendship turned to infatuation or something more? If he listened to his feelings, he’d have to say more, but there wasn’t any way she’d be capable of handling anything more than something platonic. Not right now anyway.

  “I don’t really know what I’m going to do, other than just be there for her.” He sank into his captain’s chair. “I’ve been debating over this for the last few hours and finally decided the good of the boat comes before personal issues, but that doesn’t mean the rest of the crew needs to know or that you have to treat her any differently than before.”

  Adam nodded. “Of course. Are you going to tell her that you told me?”

  Nathan glanced out the windows into the darkness. “I don’t know. I’m afraid she’ll hate me for telling you, but I’m not sure I could handle the guilt of keeping it from her.”

  “It might be better to tell her once we’re at sea. I’m sure she’ll be angry, but with no way to leave right away she’ll have time to cool off before we return to port.”

  Nathan nodded. “You’re probably right. Oh, and one last thing—I moved her from the crew quarters into mine. I think under the circumstances, she’d be more comfortable sleeping with a door between her and the rest of the crew. If any of the guys ask, you can tell them she moved because they snore. They don’t need to know anymore than that.”

  Adam arched a curious brow. “And just where are you planning on sleeping?”

  “With you dicks,” Nathan replied, choosing to ignore the suggestion behind the question. “Now remember what I said. Not a word.”

  Adam gave another nod and pushed up from the seat. “Will do, but, bro, can I offer a word of advice?”

  “What?”

  “Don’t let this consume you while we’re out here. I won’t argue that you’re good at your job, but trying to nurse her while keeping us on the crab and safe is probably more balls than even you can juggle at one time. Apparently, she’s been living with this for a while, so a few more weeks probably won’t make a difference. There’ll be time to deal with her problems when the season is over.”

  Adam stretched. “Well, it’s late and tomorrow is the beginning of many long days to come. I’m going to go get some sleep while I can. See you in the morning.”

  He disappeared down the steps, leaving Nathan with his own thoughts again. Adam was right. No matter how much he wanted to help Brooke through her pain, now wasn’t the time to do it.

  CHAPTER 6

  For nearly a day, they pushed through rough waters, heading for the fishing grounds Nathan and Danny had chosen for the season. Still nauseated from seasickness, but proud of herself for not puking, Brooke slowly ascended the narrow steps leading into the wheelhouse with a fresh cup of coffee. In the time she’d spent so far on the boat, she’d learned to balance things like coffee against the motion of the boat. It hadn’t been easy, but she looked at it as a challenge to be conquered.

  After their encounter in the galley the previous day and last night’s conversation, she’d steered clear of Nathan, choosing to focus on her job. The galley, common area, bathroom, bunkrooms all looked as though they hadn’t seen a good scrubbing in years. In a way, she was thankful. Working hard was the one thing she knew she did well. The cleaning would give her a chance to feel like a contributing member of the crew instead of an interloper who’d made a huge mistake by coming.

  She paused at the top of the steps and took a moment to appreciate the breathtaking view. The vast expanse of water before her went on for as far as she could see. Small waves churned all around them, creating a striking contrast of white foam against the blue-green water. Sea birds few in the distance, diving every so often to the surface only to quickly return to the air. It was both an awe-inspiring and frightening sight. Just outside the window to her left, she spotted Danny’s boat, the Talisman keeping pace with Nathan.

  The only other souls for miles, she thought.

  “Is that fresh coffee?” he called from his captain’s chair.

  Turning her attention back to the moment, she nodded and weaved her way over to where he sat, steering the vessel with ease. CB radios and computer monitors wrapped around the small desk-like area that Nathan referred to as the helm. With one hand, he reached over his shoulder and took the cup from her. “Thank you, hon. Coffee is the lifeblood of this boat. As long as my cup stays filled you’ll keep me happy.”

  She smiled. “I’ll do my best.”

  “You’re already doing a good job.”

  He’d been wonderful about not bringing up the subject of her rape again, and Brooke was more than thankful for his understanding and consideration. She knew it was an irrational fear that she’d lose the easygoing rapport she’d built with friends if she disclosed the rape to anyone, but still one she harbored. When she was younger, she’d seen too often how her mother’s well-meaning friends would look at her mother with pity when they’d try to talk her into leaving Wayne. Most times, she’d refuse. On the rare occasion when she considered leaving, Wayne would invariably discover her intentions and b
eat her back into submission. Brooke couldn’t stand the idea of enduring those same looks from her friends if they knew she’d been raped.

  Sure, she could have shared her trauma with Willow and others, but where would that have landed her? She didn’t want to be the poor, pitiful friend with the tragic past who everyone felt the need to coddle. That would have made her feel even worse. It was bad enough she’d suffered that night. To see that knowledge continually reflected in her friends’ eyes, knowing they pitied her would have been more than she could take.

  A static-filled voice permeated the room, breaking Brooke’s trance and causing her to jump. She hadn’t understood a word said, but apparently Nathan had. He picked up a radio mic and keyed it.

  “We’re a half-mile from where I want to start dropping our pots,” he said. “And about two hours away from one hell of a storm,” he mumbled under his breath.

  Brooke’s stomach lurched at the thought of waves bigger than the ones currently washing over the bow. “I’m guessing that’s a bad thing?”

  “You’d guess right. Storms at the beginning of a season can take out crab boats with nary a chance for them to call for help. With all the fishing gear on deck and the storage tanks empty, we’re top-heavy right now. If we end up in the ditch when we’re setting gear we could get rolled really easy.”

  “In the ditch?”

  His lips tipped into a small smile. “I’m sorry, hon. I keep forgetting you don’t know these terms. The ditch means we end up traveling sideways to the waves instead of directly into them, which is the safest route in a storm. If we’re in the ditch and a big enough wave comes along it could wash over the side and wreak havoc with the boat’s stability. It could also very easily sweep the men right off the deck and into the water.”