The Imperfection of Swans

by Brandon Witt

  “Nonsense.” Renata’s tone was sharp. “In many ways, this type of pain is worse the older we get. Either way, no matter how old you are, you are our child. I’m going to go down and make some toast, and then we will try to sleep.”

  Before sleep came, there was one more bout of sobbing, mixed with guilt over hurting Scott and a sense of loss somehow even larger than when the divorce was finalized. His stomach had settled for the night, however, so that was one small miracle.

  Kevin fell asleep around dawn, nestled safely between his mothers.

  WHEN HE woke, it was slightly before noon. The smell of coffee wafted up from downstairs. Kevin halted when he walked into the kitchen. “You’re both here? Do I not realize what time it is?”

  Renata smiled at him as she got plates out of the cupboard. “We both called off. We’re having family breakfast. And, yes, you are going to eat. Although coffee probably isn’t the best idea. I’ll steam some milk.”

  “Mom. I’m not a kid, despite my behavior last night. You don’t need to—”

  Noelle cut him off. “None of that. Let us be moms. Now sit.”

  And he did. It honestly felt pretty wonderful to see them cooking. It was familiar. Safe.

  “And I texted Casper. So you don’t need to worry about rushing downtown. He knows it will be a while.”

  Kevin gaped at Noelle. “You texted Casper?”

  “Yes.” She didn’t meet his eyes. “And don’t be mad, but I told him about you and Scott. Just so that you don’t have to go through it all again and so Casper doesn’t ask a bunch of questions if you seem a little down for a bit.”

  He felt like he should be mad about that. That it was a breach of confidence or something. He didn’t. Actually it was a relief. The last thing he wanted was to hash through it with Casper.

  Soon they were eating sweet sausage frittata and croissants. And steamed milk. Kevin ate. Enough to make him feel guilty and enough to make his moms happy. And he didn’t check his watch.

  He’d make up for it at the gym later.

  After a second helping of the eggy frittata, he was feeling a little more like himself. Honestly, more like himself than he had since New York. Renata caught him staring at her. “What?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I’m surprised you aren’t throwing a party. You hated Scott.”

  “True.” She smiled apologetically. “But less now.”

  “Are you kidding me? You wait until we break up to start liking him?”

  She shook her head emphatically. “I said nothing about liking him, only hating him less.”

  Noelle spoke up, maybe feeling the need to clarify for her wife. “It’s like I told you, sweetheart. Scott never soothed you. If anything, you were more tense when you were with him. And while we hate that you’re hurting, he’s not a threat to your happiness now. We don’t have to feel quite so protective against him.”

  The way they were acting reminded him of Scott the night before, only with fewer tears. “You’re making it sound so final.”

  Renata looked at him quizzically. “Isn’t it? It feels that way.”

  “Yeah. It is.” Though there was pain with that thought, it was in an abstract way, as if the majority had been purged from him. And though tender, Kevin felt as if he’d already done his grieving. In some ways he had, after the divorce—this was just its completion.

  He felt at peace.

  “And, actually…. Excuse me.” Renata took a second to finish chewing. “We do need to get a move on shortly. I made an appointment for the three of us to get mani-pedis in about an hour.”

  CASPER

  NOELLE’S TEXT late that morning sent Casper into a complete tizzy. He had things he needed to do. Things he had been doing.

  Hell if he knew what those things were.

  Part of him was on cloud nine. No more Scott. Kevin was free! If Kevin had been free that night in New York, Casper had no doubt how that evening would have ended, which meant, given the right circumstance, it could happen again. Correctly this time.

  But should it? Of course, the answer to that was a big, fat no. For the billionth time—business partner. Why couldn’t he get that through his head? He could pick any other guy in the city, why this one? The one who could ruin everything.

  His stupid cock.

  If only that were the only part of him that was causing the problem.

  Casper let himself freak out, pacing over his little apartment, for about five minutes, then ended it. There was going to be no more kissing. No more shirtless exploration. No more fingers, or anything else, going where they shouldn’t.

  For a split second, the banging from the first floor made him think he was back with the orchestra students.

  Oh, right. The electricians were installing the lighting he and Kevin had picked out. He sighed in happiness. Bang away! That was going to change the place more than about anything they did.

  Pushing his Kevin-shaped terror aside, he turned to what he did best. There’d been one of his designs he’d drawn out in New York that he hadn’t had the chance to try. That would distract him enough for his brain to clear. And, technically, it was work, so he didn’t have to feel guilty.

  In less than an hour, the three tiny cake layers were cooling on a wire rack, and Casper was rolling out fondant. He’d already made the buttercream frosting for the underlayer.

  For the next hour, he was lost to piping a swirling lace pattern that gradually transitioned from white to a soft, dusty blue over the surface of the cake.

  Finally he stood back, sweating a little, and surveyed the miniature wedding cake on its silver cake board. He smiled. “Perfect.”

  He jumped at the knock behind him. Turning, he found Kevin standing in his open doorway. “Hi. Can I have a look?”

  And the panic was back, with even more instant sweating. “Yeah, of course. Come on over.” Okay, his voice sounded normal. That was good.

  Kevin crossed the room and then partially squatted, hands on his knees, to be eye level with the cake. After a few moments, he looked up at Casper. “That is amazing. Completely gorgeous.” Kevin’s eyes were red rimmed, but not as bad as Casper would have expected.

  “Thanks.”

  “Is it for a teddy bear wedding or something?”

  Casper laughed, the release helping him relax a bit. “No. It’s one of those ideas I had for the everyday aspect of the bakery. It’s an individual-sized cake. Nothing new there, but it’s a wedding cake design. Obviously….”

  “It’s stunning. And a matching wedding-sized cake would be beautiful as well.”

  “That’s the idea. Make them match all the way through. The only problem is for a bunch of these little guys, it’s too time intensive to be practical. Luckily, we’ll have Charu. She can take one look at my designs and figure out a way to do them that takes half the time. Of course she calls me an idiot the whole time she’s working on it.”

  “No wonder I like her.” Kevin’s voice took on a panicked tone when he saw what Casper was getting ready to do. “What are you doing?”

  Casper paused with the knife poised above the cake. “Cutting it in half; we’re going to eat it.”

  “You can’t! It’s too beautiful.”

  Casper shook the knife in Kevin’s direction. “You just don’t want to eat it because it isn’t made out of spinach and beans or something.”

  “No. It’s just too beautiful.”

  “You don’t sound convincing at all, but you do have a point.” Casper set the knife down and dug out his phone. “Charu is good, but she will need a picture. And you needn’t look so relieved. We’re still going to eat the thing.”

  “I just had a huge breakfast with my moms less than two hours ago. I don’t need anything else.”

  “Tough shit.” Casper brought the knife down in an overly dramatic sweeping motion, cutting the small cake in half. “You’ve never tasted my baking, and you’re opening a business that is half baked goods. You might want to try the merchandise.”
>
  “Why? I’m not trying on the wedding dresses.”

  “Shut up and eat it.” Casper fished out two forks from the drawer and handed one to Kevin. It was almost funny how panicked Kevin looked at having to eat an actual dessert.

  What a sad way to live. What was life without dessert? Casper felt he should probably keep the sentiment to himself. Kevin seemed better than Casper had expected, but he doubted he should push it further than dessert.

  He waited until Kevin had finished his half, which was all of four bites. “So?”

  Kevin licked his lips. “Well, I hate you a bit for making me do that, but it was delicious. It might have been the best cake I’ve ever eaten.”

  Relief flooded through him. Casper hadn’t realized how worried he’d been about Kevin not actually liking what he did. “Glad you liked it. Although I doubt you’ve let yourself have cake more than twice in your life, so you may not be the best judge.”

  With the cake eaten, things suddenly became awkward, and a tense silence fell between them. Casper started washing the pans and decorating tools.

  “So, Noelle said she texted you and you know about Scott and me.” Kevin picked up a dish towel and waited for him to pass over a clean dish.

  Casper had no idea how he was supposed to respond. “How are you doing?”

  “Well, I think I might be in a bit of shock or something.” He took the spatula Casper offered and began to towel it off. “I’m kind of okay today. I feel horrible about hurting him, but there’s also some relief. After all, the actual divorce—”

  “You broke up with him?”

  Shit, he’d not meant to say that out loud. That was definitely not what he’d pictured.

  Kevin laughed, though it seemed forced. “Should I be offended by that?”

  “No. God, no. I just… sorry, just not what I thought happened.”

  The silence seeped in once more.

  “Sorry.”

  Kevin just nodded and continued to dry the spatula. At this point he was probably taking off the top layer of protective coating.

  This was horrid. Worse than the tension between them before. It was worse than wanting to kiss each other and not being able to. At least, he’d hoped Kevin had wanted to.

  And this was why you don’t kiss your business partner, or partially stick your finger up his ass. Talk about the shortest existence of a dream ever. They hadn’t even finished the floors yet, and it was over.

  They had to fix this. There had to be a way. Somehow. If only they could….

  A thought hit him. A crazy thought. One that he shouldn’t even consider, but he acted on it before he could think better of it.

  “We need to do something fun. Something crazy.” He turned off the faucet, leaving the dishes where they were, and wiped his hands on his pants. “You gave me a great idea.”

  Kevin looked startled. “I did?”

  “Yep.” Casper reached for his phone once more and opened the map app.

  “What is it?”

  “Not going to tell you. You just have to come along for the ride.” He hit search. There was one not five minutes away.

  Actually, on second thought, they should probably look for one relatively far away from Bella Dolce.

  Forty-seven minutes later, Casper pulled his car into the parking lot of Dream Day Bridal. He turned to Kevin and grinned.

  “What are you doing?” Kevin glanced from Casper to the wedding dress store. From his expression, Casper was willing to bet a part of him already knew.

  “Research.” He switched off the ignition. “Come on.”

  Kevin shook his head adamantly. “No.”

  “Come on. Don’t you trust me?”

  The withering look Kevin bestowed on him was nothing less than perfection.

  “Wow. You really can look like your mom sometimes.” Casper got out of the car, walked over to the passenger side, and opened Kevin’s door. He decided to take it as a good sign that Kevin hadn’t locked it. He held out his hand. Might as well call it for what it was. “Come on, partner. Things are weird right now. We’ve made out. You just broke up with your ex-husband. I still want to make out.”

  Kevin gave him a look.

  “Well, I do. Maybe if I just put it out there, it will go away. Anyway, that’s all beside the point. We’ve got a business to get ready, and we can’t do that if things are tense and we’re all soap-opera drama around each other. So, let’s just not.” He shook his still outstretched hand.

  It looked like Kevin was going to continue to refuse, but then he unbuckled his seat belt, took Casper’s hand, and got out of the car. “I’m going to hate you for this, aren’t I?”

  “Yeah. Chances are pretty high.”

  THE PRETTY salesgirl of Dream Day Bridal stared at them like Casper had just asked her if she wanted to watch gay porn with them.

  “I’m not sure I understand.”

  “I think you do, Annie.” Casper motioned back to Kevin, who was the brightest shade of red of any human in the world. “My fiancé and I are both going to wear gowns at our wedding. It’s a political statement. And it will be pretty.”

  Annie looked behind her, as if salvation were hidden in a back room. Casper hadn’t seen anyone else, so he figured she was alone on this one. “We actually don’t sell men’s wedding dresses.”

  He channeled Kevin’s withering look, and though he couldn’t see himself, he felt like he nailed it. “I don’t think anyone carries men’s wedding dresses. They’re just called wedding dresses. And we’d like to try some on.”

  The poor girl was sweating. “What if someone comes in and wants to try on a dress too?”

  “Oh, Annie, I know we look too fabulous to be willing to share, but we will.” He grinned toothily at her. Did it make him evil that he was enjoying this so much? “It’s sweet of you to want to give us the celebrity treatment and offer us the entire store.”

  She looked close to tears.

  Casper called back to Kevin without looking away from Annie. “Sweetheart, would you make sure to get a picture of the outside of the store to put on Facebook? It looks like wedding dress shops who refuse the gays are the next wedding industry to face legal action. Apparently it’s not just bakers who won’t participate in wedding events.”

  There was a tear. Definitely a tear. And panic. There was definitely panic. “No, we’d love to participate in gay weddings.”

  Casper leaned on the counter. “They’re just called weddings, Annie dear.”

  After she motioned them back to the showroom, Annie rushed to the window and flipped over the open sign. Casper noticed she forgot to lock the door. He decided not to be helpful and kept his mouth shut.

  “HOLY CRAP!” Casper gaped as Kevin stepped out of the dressing room, clad in a lacy gown that had fabric roses clustered over the right of his bodice and swooped down over his left hip. He was sure there was a name for that, but he had no idea. “You actually look amazing.”

  Kevin stepped up onto the pedestal and looked at himself in the mirror. He tilted his chin appraisingly. “I kinda do. A lot better than the last one. The jewel neckline is much better on me than the sweetheart.”

  Casper didn’t know what that meant, but he had to smother a laugh at how much Kevin was enjoying himself. When Kevin bent down and lifted the layers beneath the skirting, revealing a glittering pair of silver high heels, Casper couldn’t hold it back.

  Kevin glared at him in the mirror. “Laugh all you want. You can’t get the full effect without the shoes. Granted, these are a little more garish than what I would recommend, but they were the only pair that fit.”

  “You look stunning, my dear.” Even as he struggled to stop laughing, his heart sank a bit. It definitely wasn’t just his cock causing problems. There was no more plausible deniability. Watching that gorgeous man try on wedding gown after wedding gown, searching for the perfect one, and then that beautiful smile when he’d found it? Casper hadn’t expected Kevin to go along with it as easily as he had, no
t to really let loose and just go for it. But he had.

  And he’d ruined Casper’s heart in the process.

  “Actually, this gown wouldn’t even need much altering.” Annie stepped up beside Kevin and addressed his mirrored reflection. She pinched the fabric at the back of Kevin’s shoulder blades. “We didn’t even need to use the clamps on this one.” After a bit, Annie seemed to have forgotten who her clients were and slipped into her role as a bridal stylist.

  Casper moved toward the dressing room he’d been using. He’d only tried on two gowns, and they were both uncomfortable. This one kept snagging his chest hair.

  “Miss, can you please lift the hem of your skirt when you walk? It’s better for the gown.”

  Kevin’s burst of laughter filled the quiet space.

  Casper looked over his shoulder and cocked an eyebrow at Annie.

  She flushed, a hand rising to her lips. “Oh! I’m so sorry. I meant sir.”

  Not responding, Casper dipped down dramatically and lifted the hem before continuing on to the dressing room. He couldn’t suppress a smile. Wedding dresses were horrifically uncomfortable, but they were fun.

  After changing into his jeans and T-shirt, Casper took a seat on the love seat next to the pedestal Kevin was using.

  Kevin had changed into another dress. It seemed a Sabrina neckline was also flattering on his body type.

  Casper wondered if he’d learned anything at the wedding show in New York. He didn’t remember necklines having names.

  Just as Annie was fastening a veil into Kevin’s hair, which was an impressive skill considering his hair length, the door chimed.

  All three of them looked toward the front door.

  “We noticed your closed sign, but it’s still business hours, so we thought….” A group of four young women stepped in, all stopping dead in their tracks as they saw Kevin in all his wedding dress glory.

  For the first time in over an hour, Annie seemed to remember she’d originally been uncomfortable with this. “Oh, ladies! Please just wait outside….” Her voice trailed off, and she looked at Kevin’s reflection in the mirror once more. Casper could actually see some switch in her flip. She lifted her chin as she turned back to the ladies. “If you’ll give me a few minutes with this client, I need to get him a handbag, and I’ll be right with you.”