“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“What happened? You’re never late?” she persisted.
“I overslept.”
“You never oversleep.”
“I didn’t get much sleep last night,” he replied, now sounding equally irritated. She had no idea… “I’m sorry.” He flashed her a scowl that Sierra recognized as ‘I don’t want to talk about it’.
She jerked her head away as if he had slapped her, and stared out the passenger window. Guilt flooded through him. There is no reason to take my bad mood out on her, he thought, feeling contrite.
They rode in silence the rest of the way to school. “I’ll drop you off at the front door so at least one of us won’t be late,” River offered as he pulled into the school drop-off-and-pick-up zone.
“Thanks,” Sierra replied curtly. As soon as he braked to a stop, she opened the door and jumped out, without looking back at him.
“Sierra,” he called after her. “I said I’m sorry.”
She did not look back.
“She’s mad,” he whispered. For being late…or something else?
*****
“What did he say?” Allison asked at lunch when they finally had a chance to talk.
“Nothing; he was late picking me up and all he said was he overslept. River never oversleeps. He looks horrible today.”
“You didn’t ask him what he did last night?”
“No, I want to give him a chance to tell me first.”
“I see,” Allison said, watching Sierra closely.
“I want to believe he has a good explanation,” Sierra said. “I’ve always trusted him.”
“Uh huh.”
“I will not put up with a deceiving, cheating boyfriend. I will not be used ever again the way Dean used me,” Sierra stated with conviction, but looking at her friend with a transparent expression of the hurt she felt. “He didn’t even notice my outfit this morning.”
“Well, you did have a coat on.”
“But he could see my legs. I always wear jeans; you would think he would notice my legs. But of course, I’m not wearing sexy, big-heeled black boots and jewelry pierced all over my body.”
“Sierra, stop it. You are so much more attractive than that gothic girl.”
“Yeah, well if you have normal tastes, but obviously some people like the gothic look.”
Allison laughed. “Good point, but I don’t really think that’s River’s preference. He doesn’t dress that way himself.”
“Maybe not, but I still don’t know what kind of relationship they had before. Allison, I keep getting these images of him and that tramp…whatever…” she added when Allison raised her eyebrows. “I imagine him taking her up to his room and then…no wonder he overslept.”
“Do you think that’s what happened?”
“Well, it looks kind of suspicious, him oversleeping the night I catch him with her.” When Allison just studied her, Sierra continued, “Okay, I don’t know.”
“If you really believe that about him…”
Sierra shrugged and turned her attention to her sandwich even though she had no appetite. In spite of all the compliments she had received today on her outfit – she had worn her new shirt with the short brown gathered skirt, brown tights, the new jacket, and her new boots and had taken the time to wear her hair loose and even put on a little make-up - she still felt unsophisticated and like a little girl playing dress up. She had wanted River to notice and to compliment her. She had wanted to see his eyes light up when he saw her. “Do you think he’s having sex with her; maybe because he can’t with me?” Sierra asked, shoving half her sandwich back into its wrapper, having eaten all she could.
“Sierra, you are just going to have to ask him. Give him a little time if you want, but don’t let this go on. And if he won’t tell you anything, then just ask him if he’s having sex with that girl. Believe me, that’s a question any guy will react to, so watch him closely. If he denies it, does he look guilty?”
“I will ask; I’ll give him just until we reach my house after school. If he won’t talk to me, then I’m just going to ride my bicycle to the stable and I’ll start taking the bus to school. Come on, let’s go to the library. I need to get my mind off of this, and calculus requires my full concentration.”
“You and me both,” Allison agreed laughing.
“Sierra, your outfit is so adorable! Where did you find that jacket?” Katrina called out from a table of girls as Sierra and Allison passed through the cafeteria to the exit. Katrina had made it onto the varsity cheerleading squad this year so hung out at school with the other cheerleaders, although she still stopped by Sierra and Allison’s table occasionally when she had a tidbit of gossip to share, or some other news.
“Thanks; at the mall,” Sierra replied and smiled appreciatively as other girls at the table also called out compliments.
“See?” Allison chided her. “You know you’ve done well when you receive compliments from other girls.”
Working on calculus homework did help absorb Sierra’s thoughts, for she had always enjoyed math. She left the library in better spirits and felt even more boosted up when a boy she knew from several classes they shared, passed by in the hall and said, “Wow, you’re looking really hot today, Sierra.” However chauvinistic the compliment might be, she liked it.
It also helped when she happened to come upon Crystal and her friends whispering together and overheard, “You know she didn’t pick that outfit all by herself. She certainly doesn’t have the taste to know how to match even a tee-shirt with jeans.” Even though it was an insult of her fashion abilities, the fact that they didn’t insult her actual outfit let her know even they found it ‘hot’.
By the end of the day, Sierra was in a much more forgiving mood and with high hopes that River would have a reasonable explanation. After dumping the books she didn’t need for tonight in her locker, she retrieved her coat, but decided to carry it on her arm and not put it on until River had a chance to get an eyeful of her complete outfit.
She saw him leaning against the wall near the back door, and when he looked up; she believed she really did detect his eyes light up. A smile spread across his face.
“Wow, you look…” He struggled for a suitable word but ended up with, “beautiful!”
“Thank you,” she said with an answering smile, feeling her face flush. He may not use a lot of flowery words but I’ll take it! By the look on his face, I believe he is sincere. As she stepped up to him, he leaned in and kissed her on her lips. As he pulled away, he stroked a finger gently across her cheek while looking intensely into her eyes. Her heart filled with warmth.
“Allison and I went shopping last night,” she started in a conversational tone as they exited the building and headed to the student parking lot. “At the mall,” she added, glancing sideways to see if that produced any kind of a reaction.
“Oh yeah? Well, those clothes look great on you,” he said, without any sign of concern.
“Thanks,” she said again and waited to see if he might offer any comment about last night. But they reached his truck and both got in and River said nothing at all. She waited until they had pulled out onto the main road heading toward her house, and then finally asked, “What did you do last night?”
“Just got some stuff done.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“Just stuff.”
“Oh.” Sierra could sense him withdrawing into himself, not wanting to tell her anything more. Her suspicions rising, she persisted, “Why can’t you tell me?”
He glanced at her, frowning. “Why do you want to know?”
“Because I don’t think we should have secrets from each other.”
He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. A few moments passed before he said, “I don’t have secrets.”
She watched him; his brow creasing into a frown and his knuckles whitening as he squeezed the steering wheel. Guilty!
“I told you Allison and I were
at the mall last night…we went to the Cheshire Cat when we were done shopping.”
That got a reaction. River whipped his head around to look at her with an expression of surprise that quickly shifted back into a scowl. He turned back to watch the road and Sierra could see the tenseness in the set of his jaw. “You saw me there,” he said.
“Yes.”
“With Laila.”
“Yes.” Guilty, guilty, guilty, Sierra thought in anguish, her chest tightening as her heart felt like it wanted to seize up and stop. Every heart beat hurt.
“Did you think I was with her, like on a date?” he asked, sounding very defensive.
“Were you?”
“No, of course not. Laila is a good friend and she wanted to talk to me about something that happened to her. That’s the stuff I had to do.”
“You just said you don’t have any secrets. Why did you keep this a secret from me?” Sierra asked, trying to keep her voice even.
“It’s not a secret.” He glanced her way again to say, “I know you don’t like her so I just didn’t want to tell you.”
“It doesn’t matter whether I like her or not. You could have told me…if it was just a meeting of two friends and nothing more.”
“It was nothing more. Sierra, I did not cheat on you, I swear it.” He looked at her again with a pleading expression.
She found herself believing him…wanting to believe him. But the pain she felt at having been deceived and that he needed to keep things secret from her still needled into her heart. She needed more reassurance. She wanted an apology; a promise that he would always tell her everything. Hugging herself tightly, she peered out her window, trying to calm her roiling emotions. She watched the trees alongside the road blurring into green ribbons as they passed, and thought to herself, they match the green of my shirt. A ridiculous thought right now, but her emotions were too overwhelming and she needed some distraction to keep her heart from exploding. She felt hurt, angry, and childishly naive. She definitely did not feel ready to forgive.
She waited until River pulled the truck into her driveway, parked, and the engine turned off before she turned to him and asked, “Are you sleeping with her?”
“What?” River’s eyes widened and he backed his shoulders against the door to stare at her incredulously. “No, of course not. Why would you even think that?”
“Because she’s always kissing you and you seem to like it, and you had your arm around her,” she answered in a tight voice, struggling to keep the shakiness she felt out of her words, and fighting back tears. Consumed with feelings of jealousy, she ducked her head to fiddle with one of the buttons of her new jacket and hide the flush of her face.
“She is not always kissing me,” he answered defensively. “She only kisses me when you’re around. She does it to get a reaction from you. And I had my arm around her because she was upset.”
“About what?”
“That’s her business.”
“Okay.” She did not like it that Laila confided in River about things he couldn’t tell her. She did not like it that River and Laila shared secrets together. Couples – a boy and a girl going out together – well, that’s who should be sharing secrets. He should be able to tell me; it’s not like I’m a gossip and he should know I can keep a confidence. It felt like River was closer to Laila than he was to her. “But you still could have told me you were going to meet her. You lied to me.”
“I did not lie. I just didn’t tell you exactly what it was I had to do.”
“That’s called a lie of omission,” she said, looking up and flashing him an angry glare.
“Come on, Sierra. I’ve never heard of such a thing.”
“It’s just as much a lie when you hold back the truth.”
“Okay, if you say I lied then I lied. I’m sorry. I just didn’t think it was a good thing to tell you because I know you don’t like her.” Iciness filled the space between them as River spoke in a bitter, sarcastic tone.
“River, I want us to be able to tell each other everything. You could have told me. I may not have liked it but I wouldn’t have been mad or anything. At least I would still feel like I can trust you.”
“You don’t think you can trust me?”
“Can I trust you? Is there anything else that maybe you should tell me?”
“Sierra, you can trust me. I never, ever want to hurt you. It hurts me when I see you hurt,” he said in a softer tone. He reached for her hand but she kept her arms hugging her chest. He sighed as he brought his hand back to his own lap. “There are some things about me that I don’t want you to ever know,” he said, very low.
“But I want to know everything about you, even the bad stuff.”
He shook his head, looking straight ahead out the window.
“But Laila knows,” she said bitterly.
“Some things,” he admitted in a flat voice.
“If you can tell her, you should be able to tell me,” she insisted with her voice rising in frustration. “I don’t keep secrets from you.”
“Sierra, you don’t have any dark secrets,” he said.
Angry heat surged in her chest at his statement and his tone of voice, sounding like he was talking down to her; as if not having secrets meant she was immature and unworldly. It wounded her feelings. “How do you know?”
Apparently, he realized he had hurt her feelings, for he reached out again to take her hand, but Sierra did not relinquish her arms from hugging herself. “Do you?” he asked apologetically.
“I might,” she mumbled.
“Do you want to tell me?”
“No… I want to know, have you ever slept with Laila?” she asked, and then immediately regretted the question as River’s expression shifted into a closed, frozen look. But she did want to know, and the question had just slipped out.
“I’m not going to talk about Laila’s and my relationship in the past,” he stated coldly.
“That means you did sleep with her.”
He glared back at her, his eyes narrowing and brow tightening into a scowl.
Hating herself for pursing these questions, she nevertheless asked, “Did you sleep with Katrina?”
“No,” he blurted out defensively.
“Then you did sleep with Laila.”
“Sierra, what happened with Laila before you and I started going out is not really any of your business.”
She absolutely hated it when he told her things were not her business! And if he said no about Katrina, then why didn’t he say no about Laila? Because he did sleep with Laila, and maybe, just maybe, he still was! Sierra opened the truck door and jumped out, jerking her coat and backpack out without looking back. “River, just leave. I’m going to ride my bike to the stable, and I’m also going to ride the bus to school tomorrow.” With those words she stomped angrily away.
*****
Should I go after her? River debated as he watched Sierra storm away. But his own irritation at what he considered her unreasonableness took over, and he turned the key to start the truck’s motor, backed out, and drove away. I didn’t do anything wrong!
On top of his worry over Laila and Warren, he didn’t need to have a fight with Sierra. Did we just break up? She was way over-reacting! After all, he loved her; she was the girl for him and even though they were only in high school, he already felt like she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Have you ever told her that you love her? No, he hadn’t said ‘I love you’ to the girl he loved, because that took courage and faith that she loved him back. Somehow the right time just hadn’t come up. Or is it you’re afraid that yeah, she likes you, but does she feel as deeply about you as you do about her? Does she love you?
Clenching his teeth, River thumped the flat of one palm against the steering wheel to give vent to his frustration. Girls!
Maybe he should have told her right up front that he was meeting Laila. Maybe he should have told her about Warren. But he just couldn’t bring himself to give her any
more details about his messed up family. It was bad enough she already knew what a loser jerk he had for a father.
His thoughts tumbled throughout his brain, triggering tightness in his chest and knotting his stomach. Don’t think about it anymore! Let her calm down and maybe she’ll see reason. He turned on the truck’s radio and upped the volume in an attempt to blast away with music his unpleasant thoughts. He sang or hummed along all the way to the stable to distract himself.
*****
The hope that Sierra would ‘see reason’, according to River, did not happen. For the rest of the week, they moved around each other in cool, silent avoidance. Sierra resorted to riding her bicycle back and forth to the stable, and took the bus to and from school.
On Saturday, when River gave Sierra and Katrina a lesson, she rode Fiel as usual and paid attention to all his instructions. After the lesson she left without even offering her usual thanks, and disappeared to cool Fiel down with a walk around a short loop of the trail.
He wanted to apologize, but his own pride and conviction that he was not in the wrong, prevented him from trying to repair their relationship.
Instead, he retreated glumly to his room after the day’s chores were done, ate a lonely meal of food scrounged from the refrigerator, and then did homework. At night, he fought back tears in the dark solitude of his bed, not always winning.
*****
Chapter 9 Resistance
Release the aids: the instant the horse responds, the aid should cease. This rewards the horse and allows him to learn to carry on the movement on his own. – Jean-Claude Racinet, Another Horsemanship, A Manual of Riding in the French Classical Tradition
*****
“Laila told me what a comfort you were to her, River,” Janice Montoya said in a gentle tone.
“She told you what happened.”
“Yes, and that you also told her to talk to me; thank you.” Janice studied him from across her desk where he slumped in his chair and seemed intent on nervously picking at the edge of the sleeve of his sweatshirt where a thread had loosened at the cuff. River was never one to come into his sessions in animated high spirits; but for the most part, ever since he got over his resentment from having to be here, he usually seemed at ease and just quiet.
For The Love of Horses (Pegasus Equestrian Center) Page 12