Arousing Suspicions: An Amnesia Romance

by Cynthia Hart

  He looks at me imploringly. I guess it’s my turn. Time to make my judgment.

  “I guess I need to wrap my mind around all of this. But I think I believe you. I think I understand where you’re coming from.”

  The look of relief on his face makes me laugh. It’s hard to let go of all of my anger at once, so the small release is welcome.

  “Seriously, though, I need to study. And process. I’m not mad at you, okay? I mean, a little, but nothing I can’t get over. I’ll be in touch, I promise. I’m not sure when, but I will. Please wait for me.”

  Chapter 16

  I wait a week. I know that I need time, like I told him, to process and understand. The first thing that happened during that week was wonderful, joyous, and possibly one of the happiest moments of my life: Ana wakes up. She had been stirring for a couple of days; during one of my visits she squeezed my hand and just seemed a little bit more there. A few days later, her mom was in the room with her, quietly reading a book out loud by her bedside, when Ana opened her eyes. According to her mom, she looked around, a little bit confused, and immediately asked, in a raspy voice, if she could have some ice cream. Ha. So Ana.

  I all but jumped for joy when I received the call. I had been trying to image life without Ana, my long-lost best friend, who I don’t know how I survived 18 years without knowing. I couldn’t do it. Anytime my thoughts veered in that direction, I felt like I was going to fall to pieces. So I didn’t imagine that, instead I just imagined her waking up. I imagined us doing our normal things together, like watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother and going for long runs. I imagined the future, both of us meeting awesome guys who thought the world of us, maybe getting married and having kids. I imagined us all going on crazy vacations around the world. I imagined us being next door neighbors. So the feeling when I found out she was going to be okay… It was indescribable. All those dreams could become a reality.

  I rushed to the hospital and had to hold myself back from throwing myself onto the bed and crushing her with my love. She was sitting up in bed when I came in, casually eating a fruit cup. My eyes immediately overflowed with tears; it was just too wonderful to see her with her eyes open.

  “Hey, do you want the rest of this?’ she asks, as if everything is completely normal, “I’m not that hungry.”

  I laugh through my tears and run to her. “I missed you so much,” I cry into her shoulder, relieved to no longer have to be strong. I can fall apart now because she is there to keep me together. It’s like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I am as light as a cloud.

  Something else wonderful happened during that week. The police arrested a group of guys harassing another woman near where they attacked us. Their physical description, as well as their actions, fits what I, and now Ana, told them about the attack. They show me pictures, and I know it’s them. So in that, Kaleb’s story is corroborated. Also helping his case is that Ana has a pretty complete memory of everything, and said there’s no way that he was there. This is a relief. Well, that’s an understatement. It makes me feel even lighter than a cloud like I can finally move on with my life.

  The last thing that happens that week is less an event and more an action on my part. I pay a visit to my doctor and ask her to recommend a therapist. As good for me as jiu-jitsu is, I realized that I can’t get better on my own and that it’s going to be a long process. It’s like jiu-jitsu for my brain. It makes me feel strong, and in control. And, maybe more importantly, normal. The way I’ve felt about all of these things is totally normal. The last couple weeks have been jam-packed with difficult, traumatic events, and I can’t sort them all out myself. It feels good to admit this and working towards a better and more well-adjusted me.

  All of these things help me come to a decision about Kaleb and where we stand. I haven’t gone to the gym in the past week, or since I first remembered how I recognized his face. I wait for him outside of the gym. His face lights up when he sees me, and mine probably does something similar. I try not to smile too brightly, though, because the conversation I want to have with him is serious.

  “Hi there, Chan,” He opens his arms to me, a questioning look on his face. I enter them, hugging him tightly, but quickly.

  “Can we talk?” I ask.

  “Hmm,” he answers, “only if you’re not pregnant.”

  I chuckle, “No, I’m not pregnant. Can we sit on that bench?” I indicate the bench across the street in the little park. The bench I’ve come to think of as my own.

  We sit. I turn towards him. “I’ve decided something.”

  “Okay, are you going to tell me what it is? Or do I have to guess?”

  I offer him a small smile, but don’t waste any time. I tell him what I’m thinking. “I think we should date,” I say, “Like, be a couple.”

  He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he leans in close, takes me face in his big, broad hands, and kisses me deeply. It feels like I’m relaxed for the first time since I met him, it feels like I can breathe. We break apart, both of us sigh with a mixture of relief and pleasure. He continues holding my face, leaning his forward against mine. “Clara,” he whispers, “I would be honored to be your boyfriend.”

  I lean my head on his shoulder and interlace our fingers together. I have a feeling that we are going to be very happy.

  Chapter 17

  We’re cuddling on Kaleb’s couch after a delicious dinner he made of baked salmon and vegetables.

  “How does a busy guy like you find the time to learn to cook so well?” I ask, adding, “that was amazing.”

  He squeezes me tight against his side. “It helps clear my mind and relax my muscles. I know there’s a stereotype that fit people just eat boiled chicken and zucchini, but that’s not the case. I like to fuel my body, but I also like it to taste good.”

  We sit in comfortable silence for a minute, just enjoying being in each other’s presence.

  “Hey, I have a question,” he says.

  “Yes?”

  “It’s kind of awkward.”

  “Okay, go for it.”

  “Has enough time passed now for me to jump on you? I feel like I’m going crazy.”

  “Ha,” I smirked, “I thought you’d never ask.” I can now accept just how badly I’ve wanted this since our first time. Although this time I know, I’m ready for him. On the safe side, I already spoke with my therapist. She encouraged me, helping me see that fear would not help me move forward or find happiness in my life. But when it came down to the raw sensations I felt pulsing in me, I needed him now more than ever.

  I don’t have to be asked twice. I swing myself over his body, straddling him on the couch. I can feel the warmth of his cock pressing up against me. I peel off my blouse and lean in to kiss him, his bare chest against my near-bare breasts. He cups them gently with his hands, running his thumbs back and forth over the exposed skin, and tiny goosebumps erupt over my flesh. A hand finds its way under my bra, I can feel his fingertips gently run over my hard nipples, teasing them, this is so unfair, he’s taking his sweet time, and I need him now. His hands make their way behind my back, unclasping my bra. I place my hands on his abs and work my way up, taking his shirt off while admiring his firm pecks. I collapse into his neck, breathing in deeply, his smell of sweat, coffee, and cologne linger, making me feel primal, increasing my desire for his cock. I nibble on his ear as he caresses my neck with a thousand tiny kisses, his lips as light as butterfly wings on my skin.

  Still straddling him, I reach down to his belt and unclasp it. I unbutton and unzip his pants in turn, and push down as he slithers free of them. I rub back and forth on his hardening cock through his boxers, feeling my patience for him become close to unbearable. He helps me out of my tights, leaving our clothes in a tangled heap on the floor, just like the first time.

  I slide off his lap and fall to my knees on the floor between his legs. I reach for his boxers, and slowly pull them off, now he is just as naked as I am. His cock is now completely hard,
and I can’t resist its pull. I use one hand to gently cup his balls, and the other to wrap around his shaft. I flick the tip of his cock with my tongue, wanting to tease him for just a moment. Above me, he groans. I swirl around his tip and then all at once I put it in my mouth, moving up and down in rhythm with my hand, placing his cock at the back of my throat. I imagine how it will feel when he is finally deep within me. I look up at him, and we make eye contact. I can feel just how wet I am. He bites his lip and leans his head back. I feel a shiver make its way through his body. Can’t he just flip me over and fuck me already?

  Keeping my mouth on his cock, I reach my hands up, first caressing his thighs, then his ripped abdomen. When I get to his nipples, I give each of them a pinch with my fingers. He grabs me under my arms, pulling me back to him. Again, I straddle him on the couch, only now there is no fabric left between us. I try to exercise some self-control, but, how could I? Instead, I reach behind myself, grabbing hold of his cock and steadily lower myself onto him. In unison, we sigh in relief as we are finally one. I want this. I need this. I lean into his chest, collapsing on him. He wraps his arms around me, firmly holding me in place as he moves rhythmically up and down, driving his cock deeper and deeper inside me. All I am able to do is hold on for dear life as wave after wave of pleasure washes over me. I feel myself nearing climax. Normally I don’t finish this fast, but with my deep desire for him... The fact that I want him... No... The fact that I need him... The tip of his cock rubbing against my g-spot I can’t help but indulge. I can’t control myself. “Oh my god, Kaleb, I’m going to cum,” I whimper. He holds me tighter and doesn’t slow down or change his movements. My entire body tingles, and I forget that anything exists in the world aside from Kaleb and pleasure. I relinquish myself, releasing weeks of pent-up anger, sadness, and confusion. I crumble on top of him, feeling complete, blissfully empty.

  We cuddle on the couch for a long moment, and I casually play with his cock, wanting to keep it hard since I know that I’ll be ready for round two shortly. He takes my hand, guiding me to his bedroom. It takes me back to our first encounter; how excited and nervous I was. I’m able to remember that time for what it is now; a nice moment between two near-strangers. It is no longer painted over with betrayal and mistrust. Instead, it is the beginning of our story.

  We lie next to each other on the bed and begin to passionately kiss. He reaches down my body and eases a finger inside my still throbbing pussy. During this time, I continuously and slowly move my hand up and down his cock. “I want you again,” he whispers, and I pull his arm, indicating that he should come on top of me. He obeys my call, swinging his powerful frame on top of me and pushing himself inside of me with one thrust. I cry out in pleasure; every time I have him inside of me, it’s like I forget just exactly how amazing it feels. Each stroke filling me whole. I push my hips into him, urging him to go faster. “Please,” I cry out. He falls into a rhythm, moving rapidly inside of me. I can tell that he is soon going to finish. He grips my head with his hands and looks me straight in the eyes. He trembles and thrusts a few more times, I can feel him cumming. He collapses on top of me with a sigh. His hot liquid, pouring out of me. I can feel his heart pounding against my chest. I gently scratch his back, running my fingers up and down his crevices, making him shiver.

  He rolls off of me, and both of us bask in each other's ecstasy. I close my eyes and snuggle close to him. To my surprise, I realize that I’m crying. I laugh to myself, wiping at my eyes.

  Kaleb looks at me, confusion and concern in his eyes, “Wh-what did I do?” he asks, befuddled, “are you ok?”

  I shake my head, still crying, but laughing at the same time, “These are happy tears, I promise. They’re tears of release and relief. They’re tears that everything is turning out okay. They’re tears of… realizing something else, too.”

  “What’s that?” He pauses for a second, but just before I’m about to speak he interrupts, “wait, don’t tell me! There’s something I want to say first.”

  “Okay?” I answer, curious and a little scared.

  “I love you, Clara. I know we haven’t known each other for long, but I’ve loved you since I recognized you walking into the gym. I felt so much relief that you had come, because I was afraid I would never see you again, and I would never get to find out if you were okay.”

  Relief washes through me, and I burrow deeper into his side, wanting to be engulfed in his body heat. “I love you, too, Kaleb. That’s what I wanted to tell you. I love you for saving me, and I love you for teaching me how to save myself.”

  His eyes fill with happiness, and a bit of wetness as well. He leans in, kissing me deeply. Breaking away, he grabs my hand and interlaces his fingers in mine. We lay on the bed, still completely naked, and I feel that we are both ready for another round. Although not one of raw physical attraction, but one of pure love and passion. I climb on top of him and rub his cock with my pussy, rocking rhythmically until I feel him start to get hard again. It doesn’t take much. He slips inside of me, once again filling me with his manhood. We move in symphony with each other, surfing the waves of pleasure together. Kaleb closes his eyes, and I feel his body tighten, he grunts and drives himself further into me. Time here doesn’t exist.

  I let myself relax on his body, knowing that he’s spent. He squeezes me close, then releases, and I roll off of him. He turns to face me, tracing the lines of my face with a finger. “I’m so in love with you, Clara,” he murmurs, and we both close our eyes.

  My sleep is fitful that night too, but not because of bad dreams. Kaleb and I keep waking each other up, unable to believe that we are together in the same space. We’ll kiss and snuggle, then briefly drift back off, tangled up in each other’s arms.

  EPILOGUE

  SIX MONTHS LATER

  “Alright everyone, let’s warm up!” I say, greeted by 10 grinning 5-year-olds, ready to follow my instructions.

  I look over to Kaleb, who nods encouragingly. This is my first time teaching a class alone.

  “Raise your hands high above your head like this,” I say as I do the action. I lead the kids in some more stretches, then tell them to run a lap around the gym. Kaleb comes beside me, draping his arm over my shoulder.

  “I’m so proud of you,” he whispers in my ear. I hug him tight to me and smile. I’m proud of me, too. I’ve overcome a lot of fears, worked really hard, and cultivated a new relationship that makes me feel strong, loved, and beautiful. I’ve managed to achieve my blue belt in jiu-jitsu, training between 3 and 5 days a week. I tried to get Ana to join me, but she has processed what happened to us through painting and yoga. To each his own, I guess.

  It’s not normal for a blue belt to teach, but when the gym saw my easy affinity for children, they asked if I would like to co-teach the class with Kaleb. Of course, I couldn’t resist the opportunity, despite my busy school schedule.

  My progress in jiu-jitsu progressed quickly, through lots of hard work and determination. But that’s not the only thing that moved fast: just as I feared, my relationship with Kaleb gained a ridiculous amount of momentum as soon as it began. I’m not so scared now, though. Even if sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and make sure he’s still beside me. He’s understanding and supportive of my fears. He knows what it is to be left behind by someone you love. So he’ll just hold me until the fear goes away and we fall back asleep. What caught both of us off guard, though, is that we decided to move in together. We made the decision after being together for 3 months, we basically had the idea at the same time, and it just made sense. We both instantly felt great about the decision and the fact that we would no longer have to say goodbye when I left in the mornings. From there, I just had to give notice at my dorm. It’s been two months now, and we couldn’t be happier. We love cooking for each other and doing little acts of service when the other one is away. We love being able to spend all of our free time together deepening our connection and how well we know each other.

  Ana was worrie
d about the relationship at first, knowing my history with men and also knowing Kaleb’s connection with the night we were attacked. But she’s quickly grown to love him and carries a soft spot for him for intervening and making sure that we ended up being okay. She often comes to our place uninvited, bringing ice cream or pizza and a movie. The three of us gel well as a group.

  She’s had her own struggles after the events of that night, some physical and some mental. She fell on her arm when attacked, and somehow messed up her wrist. So she’s been going to physical therapy. But she gets better every day, and anytime either of us is having a hard time we know that we can turn to one another.

  My mom gets along with Kaleb too, and we invite her to his family’s weekly Sunday dinners. I love watching his interactions with his younger brothers, all of whom live in the area. They clearly have so much admiration for him, and it’s obvious that he just adores them. One of his brothers has a small daughter, and it melts my heart to see Kaleb play with her. It puts images in my head of a maybe not so distant future where we can be parents together.