Entropy

by Jess Anastasi

  “After the rebels helped us, for a few months, my unit fudged what little IPC resources we could get our hands on to help the people on Siraj. They were dying for no reason—malnutrition, diseases that are nonexistent in the central systems, and from basic infections that could have easily been resolved. The rebels on Siraj weren’t fighting back because they wanted to overthrow IPC law on the planet, they just wanted access to basic human rights.”

  “I never knew anything like this was happening during the war,” she murmured.

  “Was happening? It still is,” he replied, glancing at her for the first time in a few minutes. “Anyway, eventually I think the IPC cottoned on to what we were doing, or they just thought we were completely incompetent in carrying out the assignment we’d been given. They sent in a huge contingent of men to quash the entire rebel force. The first night, once it got dark and the fighting was winding down—mostly because the IPC forces had slaughtered the rebels—the woman in white appeared in the field. She started moving from soldier to soldier, no matter which side they’d fought for. But she’d hardly even helped a handful of people when one of the IPC commanders walked out and shot her in cold blood.”

  Cami was unable to help the soft gasp, not expecting the story to end like that.

  “Whatever spirit the rebellion had left was killed right there and then. At first, I couldn’t understand why the commander had done it, but years later, I figured out he must have known such a symbolic kill would destroy any hope the people of Siraj were holding onto.

  “The next day, we were being shipped out, but I couldn’t leave without paying my respects because I would have died in that storm the first night if it wasn’t for them. I found the people holding a memorial, not only for the woman in white, but for all who’d died. As I was leaving, this girl approached me, she wouldn’t have been more than eighteen—not that I was much older. She was the daughter of the woman in white and didn’t want to stay in that place, die in that place where so much tragedy had happened and life was one long hardship.

  “I helped smuggle her onto the IPC ship I was leaving on, even knowing if I got caught, I would probably be sentenced to Erebus for crimes against the government.”

  Cami could see that had been the choice to set him on the path he now walked. Which hadn’t been a small thing. Erebus was one huge prison planet, a brutal place no one ever escaped from.

  “I couldn’t believe in anything the IPC stood for. I resigned my commission as soon as I could, got my payout for services rendered, and bought the first half-decent ship I could get my hands on. Ebony, the girl I’d smuggled off Siraj, came with me, of course. She had nowhere else to go. What neither of us realized was that she was already sick—beyond saving, sick. She had tuberculosis, but by the time she was diagnosed, even all the modern medicine in the universe couldn’t save her.”

  “My god,” she breathed, horrified that someone could die from such a preventable disease in this day and age. “I didn’t even realize TB still existed. I thought it was eradicated centuries ago.”

  “There are whole epidemics of it in the outer systems where they don’t have access to decent medical care.” He gestured at the hull. “Ebony painted this in the weeks before she died. I took her to my home planet of Dalphin, and we landed on this lakeshore where the sun set over the water every night. The day she died was the first day of winter, and she made me promise never to forget her or her mother. She wasn’t scared of dying, she was scared of being forgotten.”

  Cami had to bite her lower lips as tears started stinging her eyes, because she could clearly see in his gaze how this still hurt him, that his own eyes were brimming with moisture. No wonder he’d never wanted anyone to touch the hull of his ship.

  “I’m sorry, Qae.” She couldn’t get the words out above a whisper, and they seemed so completely inadequate to what he’d been through. Now she understood why he chose to live outside of IPC law. “Obviously I didn’t know Ebony, but I’m sure she’d understand why you have to do this. As much as you probably don’t want to hear this, it’s not about the image itself, it’s about keeping her memory, which I know you’ll do anyway.”

  “It probably sounds stupid, but by keeping the painting, knowing it was Ebony’s hands that made each brush stroke, it was like keeping a physical connection to her. Like she was still with me all the time, watching over me. I always felt if the image was painted over or replaced, it would be like cutting that final tie to her, and she’d really be gone forever.”

  There seemed to be something else behind his words, leaving her with only one logical guess.

  “Did you love her?” she asked gently.

  “In a way. We were just kids. I was barely a year older than her. For a while, before I realized how sick she was, I used to think she was my forever. But it was probably naive. Even if she’d lived, we probably would have gone our separate ways eventually.”

  She set her hand on his cheek. “If she was smart, she would have held on to you. Believe me when I say there aren’t are many men in the universe as honorable as you.”

  Qae shifted forward in the seat, bringing them closer, blue eyes practically burning with intensity. “I’m not honorable, Cami. Far, far from it.”

  He clamped a hand on the back of her neck and pulled her in even as he closed the distance between them. His mouth took hers with instant dark, overwhelming heat.

  The kisses they’d shared that first night, and last night when she’d handcuffed him, had been intense, all-consuming.

  But this. This was something else altogether. This was every cell in her body coming alive. This was the end of her old notions about what true longing meant and the beginning of the knowledge that another person could touch her so deeply, so profoundly, she could no longer remember what her life had been like before he’d come into it.

  This was stepping out of dreary black and white into full, riotous color.

  And because of that, she had to break the kiss, had to pull back from him, even though her body was physically aching to get closer to him. Because he was honorable and would punish himself mercilessly for breaking the promise he’d made to her father. Yes, they’d strayed over the line last night, but that had been her doing.

  He let her go and sat back in the chair to drag a hand over his face, swiping his damp eyes. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

  She set a hand on his knee. “Don’t ever apologize to me for that, Qae. Not when I want it just as much as you do.”

  A cynical smile tugged up his lips. “That promise I made to your father has got to be like the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. And that’s saying something. Rian could tell you I’ve done some pretty dumb-ass shite over the years.”

  “You thought you were doing the right thing at the time. Plus, I kind of really did screw you over. I’m sorry about that.” Though she hadn’t let herself face it, there had been an underlying guilt sitting heavy within her since that first night. Not that she’d ever denied this mess was her fault. She’d done everything in her power to help rectify it and take some responsibility, but she hadn’t actually apologized to him.

  Except Qae was smiling at her and shook his head slightly. “You might have caused me some trouble, but it’s definitely my kind of trouble. You don’t need to apologize. If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. Except the promise I made to your father. That I would definitely change.”

  She gave a light laugh and reached out to twine her fingers into his. “So, what are you going to do? Besides drink a lot of beer and wallow, I mean.”

  He cut her an insulted look. “I am not wallowing. I’m processing.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Watch it,” he muttered, but he lifted their joined hands and pressed a kiss to her fingers. “I’m going to do the right thing like I always do. Even if it kills me.”

  Her heart ached for him and the decision he’d come to. Not that there’d been much choice. It seemed like Rian had been ready to
go through with it, even if Qae didn’t agree. She only wished there was some way he could keep the image that meant so much to him, but disguise the ship at the same time.

  Maybe there was. She had a contact here on the station she’d traded ships and parts with over the years. The least she could do was make sure his ship got taken care of properly.

  “For what it’s worth, I’m here. I’ll be here, if you need someone.” Her words came out a little halting, not sure if she should be voicing the sentiment, if they had that type of relationship. She didn’t know what they were. Business partners? Friends? Lovers? None of those descriptions seemed to fit accurately, and they hadn’t exactly agreed on a status for each other.

  “Thanks. I think I needed that.” He gently squeezed her hand. “I’ve never told anyone else about Ebony. In fact, I don’t think I’ve spoken aloud about her since the day she died.”

  “Oh, Qae.” She leaned in and softly kissed him. He was breaking her down on all sides. For all the brash outer facade and the charming, flirty front he put on, underneath he was a good man with a deep heart. There was no form of resistance she could put up against that, even if she’d wanted to.

  “I know someone on this station we can contact to do the work,” she told him. “We can trust him to keep quiet and do a quality job.”

  Qae sighed, looking up at the image once more. “Thanks. I probably should take care of it myself, but I just—”

  “Don’t even think about it.” She squeezed his fingers reassuringly. “Let me do this for you.”

  He nodded then released her hand and got to his feet, a little unsteady once he got upright. “Whoa. Think I drank more beer than I realized.”

  She took his arm. “Having an empty stomach probably didn’t help. Come on. Let’s go get some food.”

  As she tugged him into a walk, keeping hold of him so he didn’t lose his balance, she took one last glance at the image on the hull, seeing it for what it really represented. This whole time, Qae had been flying around the universe with his heart on the side of his ship for everyone to see.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Rian glanced up to see Ella heading in his direction and considered taking evasive action. However, there was no point. He wanted to eat and whatever Ella planned to talk to him about, avoiding her would only delay the inevitable. Instead, he sat down with his beer and plate of food, making sure there was an empty seat next to him. The last time they’d talked hadn’t been bad, after all. No matter how he was fighting the temptation of her, he couldn’t deny that a part of him definitely enjoyed her company.

  How times had changed. Once, he would simply have foregone the food and gone to find the nearest bottle of Violaine.

  “Will you really go against Qae if he doesn’t agree to your plan?” Ella gracefully sank onto the stool beside him.

  “You tell me. You’re in my head.”

  She sent him an exasperated look. “You know it doesn’t work that way unless I consciously read your mind. Are you giving me permission to look into your thoughts?”

  He glared at her. The answer to that should have been obvious.

  She huffed a sigh at him. “I’m sure if we talk to Qae, give him some time—”

  “We don’t have time to hold his hand while he gets over his tantrum.”

  “You’re going to call him out on being emotionally attached to his ship?” Ella arched an eyebrow and crossed her arms, which left him feeling totally schooled.

  He wasn’t going to let her know that, however. “We need to move against Niels before he tries another play against us. We should have taken him down after the first time he made a grab for you.”

  “And we might have failed,” she returned in an even voice. “Everything has its time, Rian.”

  He made a face at her. “Don’t go all priestess on me while I’m trying to eat. It’ll give me indigestion.”

  A smile flitted over her lips and he could tell from the constant sense of her in his mind that she enjoyed his acerbic teasing more than she let on. Interesting.

  No. Not interesting. He didn’t need to know that. See, this was how the entanglement entropy thing was a huge problem. It was distracting the hell out of him at the most random times. Plus, the occasional overflow of what Varean felt for Kira was starting to make him antsy. The last thing he wanted to do was get into the meditation sessions Ella had insisted on, but if it’d give him some control over what was broadcast between the three of them, then it needed doing soon. Before all those conflicting, inexorable sensations clashing inside him ended with him doing something they’d both regret.

  “When Qae comes back, let me talk to him.” Ella’s voice held a firm note. “This is a situation that calls for diplomacy, not an offensive.”

  “Whatever you want, princess.”

  She could use her wiles on Qae all she wanted, but his cousin was just as stubborn as him. If he didn’t want the hull painted over, nothing and no one would change his mind. They’d have a fight on their hands, because if this plan was going to work, Rian needed Qae to get this ship smack-bang into the middle of the central systems without the Reidar noticing them.

  Ella shook her head at him and went to get herself some food.

  Footsteps sounded on the stairs a second before Cami and Qae appeared, arm in arm. Rian was all ready to curse under his breath, thinking they’d taken things between them from fooling around to actually-something, but then he realized Qae was weaving and Cami was practically holding him up.

  So that’s what he’d been doing all day. Getting drunk off his ass.

  Cami led him over to a stool and sat him down. “Stay here. I’ll get you some food. And some water.”

  Rian crossed his arms and rotated to stare at his cousin.

  “What?” Qae asked in a grumpy voice. “It’s not like you haven’t drunk away your anger a time or twenty.”

  “Are you over it now?” he asked instead of replying to the jab.

  “No, I’m not over it.” Qae sent him a nasty glare. “But it’s being taken care of. So don’t go thinking you need to get out there with a spray gun and a canister of paint.”

  “You’re doing the right thing.”

  “No, I’m doing what you want despite my misgivings. Like usual.” Qae sighed tiredly and forked a hand through his hair.

  “No one ever said you had to sign on with me against the Reidar.” A flicker of aggravation stirred. If Qae didn’t want to be here helping him, he should have just said so.

  “Didn’t they?” Qae shot back, his expression tight. But then he shook his head, like he was having some kind of internal debate. “You’re my cousin. The closest thing I have to an actual brother. The only family I’ve got in this entire universe and I love you. Do you really think I could have just gone my own merry way after finding out what’d happened to you?”

  He glanced away, not able to process the genuine emotion in Qae’s features. “Getting drunk always make you mushy and overemotional,” he muttered.

  Qae sent him a lazy smile. “Not always. Sometimes it just makes me amorous.”

  “Thanks for that. Excuse me while I go throw up.”

  Cami returned with two plates of food before Qae could say anything else.

  “Get some rest and sober up. We found a ship to boost. Plan is to hit first thing in the morning.” He got up from the stool and crossed the galley, too much of everything skittering under his skin. “Hey, Varean, you up for a few rounds?”

  The commando nodded, already crossing from where he’d been talking to Lianna on the bridge.

  “You worked things out with Qae?” Varean asked as they went down the stairs to the cargo hold.

  “He worked his own shite out.”

  “He was always going to agree with you. He just needed time to come to terms with it.”

  There was something in Varean’s voice that made him pause as they reached the landing.

  “You think I’m wrong making him do this?” Other people’s opinio
ns hadn’t mattered to him for years. He did what he had to, damn the consequences, and he knew people didn’t always like it. For the first time in longer than he could remember, he actually cared what someone thought. And wasn’t that a complete mind-screw?

  Varean turned to face him with a grim set to his features. “In this scenario, there is no right or wrong. There’s only what’s necessary.”

  Relief flared through him momentarily before he quashed it. Whether anyone agreed with or understood him should have been irrelevant. Yet not for the first time, he was thankful Varean had dropped into his life. And for the first time, he wondered how he’d ever gotten by without him.

  That was the catch, though. Before Varean, before Ella, he hadn’t been getting by. He’d been floundering, even though he wouldn’t ever admit it in a trillion years.

  He could feel exactly how much Varean and Ella cared about him. But it was more than that. There was something on an elemental level he didn’t understand. The old him would have shied away from it. Done everything in his power to get rid of it or ignore it. Except on that path lay utter loneliness. Like being cast into the cold, dark depths of the universe. Once, he’d wanted to be alone. But not anymore.

  Maybe the connection they’d forged had changed him more than he’d realized. Because being alone was suddenly the worst thing he could imagine. Like losing Ella and Varean would be an even worse kind of hell than what he’d endured at the hands of the Reidar. But that had to be the bond influencing him, right? Problem was, he could no longer separate himself from their entanglement.

  A many-bodied quantum state. They were separate, but they were also somehow one.

  The distant thought that it should probably freak his shite completely out occurred to him. But it was eclipsed by the fact that he’d never felt so strong. Felt like he had solid ground beneath his feet for the first time since he’d been grabbed by the Reidar almost ten years ago.

  “Are you okay?” Varean must have seen something in his expression. Or maybe felt something in his mind, because he reached out and gripped Rian on the shoulder.