"Really Luv?"
"I know, I know you don't care what anyone thinks. I just don't know why you would want to? I am on a deadline and I don't know if you can find the time between work and Raye"-.
"I'll do it tonight. You'll probably need to polish it so it works and flows or whatever."
"Why are you doing this D?"
"Because."
"Ugh. You are annoying." I say and pull the towel off my head, knowing the moment passed. Whatever his reasons are, they are his.
"I know. I gotta get back to work. I'll email you it tonight Luv."
I sigh quietly and nod though he can't see me. "Sounds good, can't wait to read it." I laugh as does he before hanging up.
I want to ponder his reasons, but I know too well what happens when I think about him too much. So I don't. I finish getting ready and head off with Kyra and my other best friend, Alex for our girls night.
It's after one when I get home and Harley is dancing at the door waiting on me to let her out. "Hey girl, calm down I'm right here." I say and talk to her like she's a person. She is loved like one though and I baby this girl. I take her to my back door after I bolt, chain and lock my front door. She is at my feet, nudging my calves as I do my nightly security check to show her the doors are secure. I disarm the alarm long enough to let her out, my flood lights illuminating the entire yard. Harley is well trained to sniff out anything that could hurt me and she secures the backyard before finally relieving herself. I feel relieved when she does because I know I am safe.
I also know she will finally acknowledge that I am home and she can let her seperation anxiety out and not leave me alone all night.
My protector is a big ol' baby. She loves and needs me as much as I do her. Harley is the one thing I love unconditionally and without fault or empty promise. She is my child, with four legs and a scary beast when pissed.
I slip off my shoes and pull my phone out of my clutch and set it on the charger.
It died a few hours ago and I didn't know if I had missed calls. I didn't care really, I was too anxious to check my email and see if D really pulled through. Harley came in, sat at the door where she would stay and do this strange sound that was half growl, half howl. She would not move, or stop until I shut it and locked it. She followed me to arm the system before we headed down the hall. "Go to bed baby, I'll be there in a minute."
She followed me to my office and curled at my feet like I knew she would until she was tired of the floor and would finally make her way to my room and her bed. By the time my email was up and I had found myself shocked at what I found there. I turn to see Harley had escaped to her bed all too quickly. Honestly, she wouldn’t have a damn clue what I said. I just wanted to say something to anything then and there that could understand the shock he had followed through..
I was alone with just his words before me.
I look at my phone and see the green light flashing. The text came through hours ago while I was out and my phone was dead. What it said though told me his words were meant for me and my peace of mind.
D: I sent it. Hope you'll like it. There was so much you don't know, from that trip and you should know now. You also deserve to know how I felt. I'm sorry you never knew luv.
Chapter Six
March 2010
Boulder CO
Dante
I came back that night because I couldn’t stomach a normal goodbye let alone the one I gave. I know her and she is questioning my every move now. She wonders if I feel the same pull to her. She wonders if I think about her. She wants to know how the hell I am capable of walking away. She wants to know if it was real.
How could it have been anything else?
I want to know if I am capable of walking away? Losing her is the hardest thing I will ever experience. Not seeing her eyes, hearing her voice… I can't imagine what I will do. I don't know if I will truly ever be able to walk away from her?
I know myself and I will always have eyes on her, mine or one of my brothers. I will always know if she is happy, if she has moved on. It isn't fair because she won't have that ability with me. She won't want it when she knows the truth.
I am a bastard, but I love her and that was why I went back that night. The reasons I never stayed away will come in time.
"I can't stand that you're leaving me tomorrow." She says and nuzzles against my cutt. That smell of her kin on mine, her hair on the pillow… it's like heartache and love. I never thought that something like that would come from my brain, but there it was.
"Don't think about it luv. We have tonight." I say and kiss her, trying not to think about her beneath me last night. I will be left with memories I would pay to forget. I won't be able to handle the pain they will bring me and Emjay will want to forget out of her hate for me. She will hate me and it is why I need her love now, before it is gone.
This wasn't supposed to be what happened. We were supposed to be friends. I was never supposed to love again. I made my choices, thought I could handle being friends and find some kind of happiness outside of the ties that bind me from keeping her. Yet, here I am in another impossible situation. I couldn’t keep going like this. It was destroying me and there were too many questions when I got home.
No this was destined to fail and I knew it that first night.
I knew it when I came back a few weeks later after telling Jess we were over.
This would hurt worse now because of last night I would never recover.
But, I needed it more than I needed to run away.
"And tonight… something gonna happen?" She asks and I shut down everything but Emjay and I and kiss her.
"It's already happening luv." I said and pressed myself against her body. I couldn’t deny the rush I got, knowing she wanted me. She didn't see herself how I saw her and it was part of the rush. She was so beautiful and totally fuckin nuts. I loved making her crazy shine through. I could rile her at any moment and she would hound me just to piss me off more. Oil and vinegar do mix if you shake it hard enough, and she shook me to the core. Where I hated that she would mouth off with deep shit or lecture or bitch, I also loved it and wouldn’t change her for anything. She put me on the spot and I accepted it every time, even if it was unfair or uncomfortable. The things she accepted and loved about me, are the things I know will drive her to hate me one day.
I kiss her and I know she is going crazy trying to lock every breath in her memory. "Get out of your head and stop over thinking shit. Don't ruin this Luv. We have now, be in the now."
I kiss her, never wanting to stop and I have silenced her thoughts effectively for now. I am not playing nice. No, I am taking and demanding what I need from her. I have two sides, this demanding, sinister and scary biker that doesn’t give two shits about boundaries. I live by a simple code of right and wrong. If I thinks it's wrong I will make it right, if I think it's right then I own it and everyone be damned. Until this moment it had defined me, but now…? I cared and I wanted to keep up the charade.
I also had the side of me I only ever shared with her. I let her see all of my heart and the parts I keep hidden from everyone. I only hide what she can't handle.
She is all I will ever see. She makes me whole and when it is over, my soul and my heart will never function right because she will keep the best parts of me with her.
"Kiss me baby, tell me you love me." I say, because I need to hear it. If I stop loving her, reminding her for even one second she will fall away from me and right now, I need her with me, feeling me, loving me.
"I love you." She says it so easily, those words come off her tongue with ease and I know she does. She is selfless with me. She gives me every part and hides nothing.
I cup her face. "Watch me luv, eyes on me for this." I reach between her legs and I spread them and skim my fingers along her pussy and I catch my breath. "You're beautiful luv." I say and pull her tank top down to expose her breast. "Show me your tits, Emjay."
I laugh and it makes her laugh because I
tell her this far too often just so I can get her laughing instead of thinking. She thinks I can't handle being real when I joke, but it is because I get her and know her and she needs to laugh a hell of a lot more.
I hope she will once I am gone for good.
I hope she will stop giving a fuck about what people think.
"I want to see you." She says and pulls my cutt off first, setting it gently and with respect to the side of me. The fact she does that, fucks with me.
"Lay back." I say and come between my girls thighs, watching every move I make, catching every sound she makes as I pull her panties down slowly, taking all of her into my heart and I want to cry.
"It's not tomorrow yet D, stay with me like I am you." She says. I nod because I know she is right. I run my fingers over her slit and almost fall apart at the sound she makes.
"Eyes on me luv." I say, and the command is fierce, but the touch is gentle and I have both my sides pleasing her right now, it's almost too much. She looks at me, that sadness is still there and I hate that she is hurting saying goodbye to me. "I need you to see me Emjay. I need to see you when I cum."
She nods and lifts on to her elbows to watch me and laughs. "Yes, lets come. That sounds amazing."
"I need to enjoy this baby, I can't waste it."
She shakes her head no and stills to look at me. "What?"
"I don't want some romantic interlude that will torture me the rest of my life D. Just… just give me what I need to get through this, don't make it worse."
I pull back from her and break eye contact as I start undoing my belt. She wants dick only, then I'll be a dick about it. "Wanna be like all the others Mal?" I rub the head of my cock over her clit and she arches trying to get me inside of her. "I'll fuck you luv, but it won't matter how I do it, I am already inside of you." I pushed into her then and I felt my body come alive in a way it hasn't since I lost my virginity at fourteen in three pumps.
"Don't be mean.." She cries and grabs my shoulder.
"Mean?" I ask and quirk my eyebrow, thrusting in and grinding against her mound. "I didn't know this was mean. I feel you dripping off my dick luv, so I'm pretty sure you're right here with me."
She touches my face and tries to pull me to her, against my fight. "Stop being a bitch." I say and she knows I don't mean it cruel. She knows she is being a bitch as much as she knows I am doing anything to keep from destroying myself.
"I'm sorry Dante." She says and feel her kisses line my jaw.
"There isn't anything that can take this from either of us Mal. Not sweet slow fucking, not deep crazy wild fucking. We are kindred, or kismet or whatever the fuck the word is you use when you get deep and try to annoy me."
She laughs and slaps my side. "This isn't something that will go away, even if I try luv…" I motion between the two of us and the look in her eyes is intense and full of longing. "This isn't breakable." She nods knowing I am right, then kisses me sweetly.
I feel her move against me and the time for talking is over, I can't rehash it anymore. I was leaving either way but right now I was inside of her and I couldn’t think of anything but that.
"Mmm, fuck Mal. You feel so good baby." I realize all to soon that I called her Mal and baby in one sentence and it is proof she is too real to me and no amount of distance can save either of us now.
I lean up on my elbows and try to watch as I fuck her, but I want to rut on her and own her. It is primal and real and I can't help but take more and more from her.
"I can't wait to feel you cum on my dick luv. Fuck tell me you're close?" When she nods I roll us and pull her against me in rough strokes. I see her eyeing my cutt and I want to see her ride me wearing it. The thought is too personal so I ignore it and kiss her. I twist my fingers on her nipples and it undoes her and I feel her cumming on me.
I can't hide the pain as she calls out my name. "D, oh fuck D, I'm cumming baby." I roll my head back and groan knowing its pushed me to the edge.
"Mal, look at me baby!" I command and our eyes meet and I see it all… I see hello and goodbye. I see love and I see misery, I see everything and I want to cry knowing I will never have her here again. Knowing to the pit of my stomach that this was it.
"Can I cum luv? Tell me to cum in you!" I don't know where the idea came from, I just knew I had to leave a part of me with her any way I could.
"Come for me D…" She whispers and I give her everything that I have inside of me. My love, pain, loss and hate. Everything inside of me, that makes me, me is now owned by her.
"I love you Mal, fuck I love you so much…"
"I love you D, no matter what." And I hide the tears that slip free terrified she will know the truth and that this moment could be destroyed.
I hid everything from her right then because I couldn’t let her see me suffer and know I was choosing to walk away from Her. I kissed her, held her… I told her a hundred times how much I loved her and when she kissed me at four the following morning, I refused to feel anything. I reached for a little lie to get us through.
"Look at me Emjay." When she did something in me died upon seeing her sadness. "If its fate like you say and we are meant to be, then this isn't goodbye. Tell me it isn't goodbye Emjay and I will believe you."
She smiled and what I saw was hope in her eyes and I hated myself for putting it there. "Meant to be will be baby."
I had no idea, just how fucked we both were.
***
I walked up the steps of my house, hands shaking as I put the key in the lock. It's late in the afternoon and by the time I got to my car in overstay parking, and had dropped Nick off it was after five and I really needed to get my shit together. Thoughts of Emjay invaded every two seconds like a flicker of an old time movie. Her smile and laugh. The way she could string words into the most beautiful of poems. Poems about me, or life and what she's been through. I knew two things were certain when I left her this morning. One, she wasn't gonna be easy to survive. Too much, way too much in that can of emotional worms for me to dare open right now. I meant what I said to her, I was inside of her regardless of Indiana to Colorado, or me right there on top of her. I was a part of her in some fucked up cosmic way that would destroy me one day I guarantee it.
The second thing I knew, was Kendal fucking Downing was officially on a watch report with the club. I would talk to Roz and Billy and tell them everything about his skulking around her the last few months. Emjay didn't know he was watching her, but I knew and now that I was gone we would get eyes on that prick. He had gotten off easy being able to toy with her since he was blessed enough to date her and be called his once. Now she was property of my MC and mine. He ever even looked at her wrong he would hurt for it.
The third thing I knew, the clearest of everything. I was going to lose her.
I open the door and the smell of beef stew is wafting through the house. Shit, I didn't think she'd be home just yet. I put my mask on and drop my keys loud enough to hear Rayen come running into the living room screaming for me.
"Daddy! Daddy!" This is the love of my life right here, all two and a half feet of her. Long blonde hair that curls naturally on the ends and eyes as bright as mine. "I missed you daddy." She says against my shoulder as I hold her. I have missed her too.
"I missed you too baby." I hold her, unable to let go just yet. I am overwhelmed with sadness as I hold Ray, knowing I jeopardized her precious world, tampered with it in a way that could take her happy life to a shitty one in the blink of an eye.
"Daddy's home…" I hear her faint voice as she makes her way around the corner. My heart warms seeing her and I feel like shit. "Hey…" My wife says.
My wife is gorgeous. She is lean and tall enough we don't look like circus freaks when we walk down the road. She dressed in jeans and a loose fitting cream sweater. Her black hair is pulled back and I feel little when I see her. Thoughts of Emjay are not far from my mind, and my heart is beating in my chest, a staccato rhythm of guilt and fear…and sadness? Yes, sadness. For what
I know I will keep and what I let go.
"How have things been?" I ask and I make no move to hug her or kiss her hello. I haven't wanted to kiss her in over a year.
It's all part of my twisted life.
"She missed you. The clubs missed you, but Roz has been by to check in on us and make sure we were alright." I am thankful my VP would do it, but I expected it too. We are a brotherhood and we look out for what is ours.
I close my eyes against the reminder of Emjay, my heart twisted because I… fuck... I know damn well she is mine.
"Good." I say and prop Rayen on my hip and head to the kitchen to grab some water. I look in the pot seeing she is making stew and can't wait to sit and eat. I have to work tonight so I was hoping to eat with them before I left. "I am back on tonight babe." I say and sit with Rayen on my lap as she tells me about the last three days and all the mischief she caused.
"I figured as much." She says and comes up to Ray and me, kissing us both on our heads. She rubs her hand on my cutt and smiles. "It's been hard not seeing you in all your glory here."
I laugh and hold her hand as she turns to walk away, not willing to let her go. "I missed you guys too." Not a direct lie. Jess isn't a bad woman, but she isn't who I wanted. Rayen is though. Rayen is the only reason I left Emjay behind.
Ugh I am such a dick. I know I am. I am sad, so fuckin sad missing her and then I am here and I missed being here. I know what I love about this life. It is my club and my daughter. It is all tightly woven together. Jess is part of the club as all the old Ladies are. We aren't an outlaw club, we really are enthusiasts that love to ride. I am just okay with stepping out of the boundaries from time to time.
Her love for riding is why I fell for her four years ago, but things fell apart after Rayen was born and I even left her and wanted a divorce. I decided to do a run with Nick to clear my head…and met Emjay.
After Anacortes I came home prepared to leave and she told me she was pregnant. We faught all night because I felt trapped, but when she lost the baby a week later I couldn’t tell her. I had every intention of leaving her after the shock of miscarriage wore off.
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