The I realized I had become a cliché of the cheating husband. I had every reason to leave my wife. I didn't love her the way a man loves his wife. The way I love Emjay. I loved her as we love all our ex's. I share a child, a home and a club with her and it couldn’t be black and white no matter how much I needed it to be.
"I missed you too." She says and straddles the chair now that Ray is off to find fun until dinner. She presses her core against me and I groan feeling like the biggest douchebag on the planet right now. "Think you'll have a few minutes to spare before work tonight?" She whispers and kisses my neck seductively.
Here is a crossroads of serious shit ain't it? The law and God himself say that she is my one and only, that my loyalties are to her. Well, the law and God don't give two shits about the woman I just left behind, but I do. Fuck me but I do. I don't want to hurt her.
I know I will hurt her.
I didn't want to leave her, but I did.
I know I am supposed to be here, but I also know I am meant to be with Emjay. Meant to be has nothing on supposed to be.
I made the choice before I left her this morning. I made the choice before I ever touched her, which is why I feel like a sack of shit right now. I made love to her all weekend, because I had to. There wasn't a choice there. I wanted to fight it, and tried for ten months. The minute I knocked on her door at two that morning, I lost the fight.
I know that a good husband wants to fuck his wife after being gone for three days. What they don't do, or shouldn’t do, is fall in love with someone they can never have. "Nah, I need to shower and hopefully eat."
I don't feel bad turning her down. I have been turning her down since I met Emjay. She's on my ass every day about wanting another baby and I can't breathe through the panic at the thought of cheating on Emjay.
With my wife.
Yeah, my twisted life has no place for my Emjay. She deserves a man who can hold her hand, kiss her and touch her without the fear of being caught or the lies or the distance. She deserves to laugh and cry and be herself instead of the one her family and the world demand she be. I hope she gets drunk and sings karaoke or smokes a joint to live on the edge. I hope she will get a tattoo or ten and live for her and not the world. The world needs her, not the other way around.
I had been over this in my head for the last three days. I had ignored her calls and texts and tried to get back to life. An impossible task when every fucking minute was spent thinking of her. I may not have been talking to her, but I had eyes on her. I had gone to the club and talked to Roz, told him what happened in Colorado and that I had left her behind. His concern was that I never had any intention of cheating on Jess until Emjay and since meeting her she had my focus. Now I was asking that she had the Colorado chapters as well.
He eventually agreed to get me in contact with our chapter in Colorado so that I could get sights on Emjay and make sure she was safe. I knew the pound of flesh would need to be paid in whatever favor they required, but there was no price I wouldn’t pay to make sure he couldn’t touch her, and that if he did he would see exactly why he shouldn’t.
I hated him. It had nothing to do with jealousy…well not true. Knowing that fucker took her for the first time makes me mental. Knowing he won't go away like a good ex, makes me extra mental.
She would never stand for a full on watch and the Colorado guys wouldn’t have the time since they were far more encroached in the outlaw world. It was why I told her there was no place for me in Colorado. Even if I transferred chapters, it would have been to a majority outlaw chapter. At least I could let her know they were there in any case that she needed them. It gave me peace knowing that, and knowing I could always check in through them.
I knew I had to talk to her. I knew she deserved more than my silence. I was being a pussy and needed to remember I came from stronger stuff. So did Emjay. She came from a loveless home and used it to build a life for herself. Once she realized she could fight back her world would open up. That type of fire came with some serious attitude and she had it in spades. She was sassy and sweet and, fuck… deep. Jesus some of the messages she sent me these last three days… she was not scared at all to say what she wanted, needed or deserved.
If any other woman came on this strong I would have fuckin ran, but with her, it was just her and that brand of crazy made me hard as fuck. We were whiskey and fire. A fuckin tornado in a hurricane… In another life she would have been everything to me… everything. But I have responsibilities and commitments here that I couldn’t drop and run away from.
I pull up her messages and read between the lines. I have to with her, if I take in all she says it will kill me.
I look for a green light in a vastness I can't fathom.
And I know you are there.
You are waiting on me and that green light tells me you're ready for another dose of reality.
I'll give you it, if you would just show me the beacon.
Where are you?
Are you missing me? Are you as lost as I am without that green light?
I can't find you without it, and I am lost.
Where are you?
Are you thinking of me and my broken heart?
Does it burn knowing I am lost?
It's killing me and though I can feel you, I am lost without that glow.
Show me where you are. Tell me to go, I will. Tell me anything.
Why are you silent?
I feel you watching, without looking .
I feel you touch me and it is no comfort…
I am lost in the void.
Show me that light and guide me to you…
It is out… gone… on a whisper of a dream
The light is gone.
I read this one at least ten times a day. The green light, the beacon. It is the light on her phone, it lights green when she has a message from me. She had personalized it since her phone was on vibrate most the time while she worked. There is something so fucking profound and sad about that beacon and how she describes it.
I scroll through, reading just the messages she sent.
What the fuck Dante? I deserve more than this.
Or the one she sent me last night.
I can't believe you used me.
That one pissed me the fuck off. I spent three days and ten months showing her exactly who I was. She saw parts of me that nobody ever had. There was a truth between us…
Okay fuck off I get it, I have a major secret. But she knows me and who I am. I know her too and she wants to piss me off.
It worked too. The minute I get in my truck tonight I will come clean even though it will kill her.
Chapter Seven
Present day
Seattle WA
I haven't spoken to Dante in three days. I can't. I am too raw from what he wrote. I added it all in, every word give or take a comma and the male tact of sex, so with a small amount of polish I made his words book worthy without changing them. He said it all perfectly. It killed me knowing he loved me so much. I never knew, not sure I will ever truly know. That type of knowledge comes from living and loving with one another. I have not seen him or felt him in over three years.
I talk to him all of the time now, but a lot of that three years was spent angry. And I took that anger out on men. I was destroyed by him, destroyed by Kendal and left to live those memories every day now. Anger fuels me. I never had true anger or fire like he mentions, until I had to fight.
To know that he knew my fears with Kendal… it’s a betrayal I never knew about. That ten months was terrifying because I knew Ken was watching me somehow. He made too many comments he shouldn’t know. I didn't know it at the time but Kendal was living in Colorado, still is in the penitentiary. He is why I came back home to Washington. Why I made a life here after graduating from The University of Washington.
He is why I have three locks on my doors. He is why I have flood lights and a security alarm. He is why D gave me Harley. Gifted me with Jokers, Harley. He had been g
one from my life all of two minutes when she arrived in Kyra's arms and a note.
I search the drawer at my desk until I find the small card.
Emjay,
This is Harley. She is a Great Dane just like mine, who is named Joker, as you know and so I found it fitting.
Tragic tale of love, just like ours Emjay.
Meant to be, but impossible because you are crazy and I am a criminal.
Love~ D
I didn't know it then, but she was trained as a service dog, her service was my safety. She almost died saving me one night and for that, she is my love as well as a reminder that D always was watching too.
I squash the memories of Kendal because I can only handle the memories of one right now. I decide to call D because I have too many unanswered questions now. I then decide that calling is not what I need because I won't be nice. I need to keep a distance between us or I will break and delete this story, unable to finish.
Me: I never knew you felt that way.
His response is immediate.
D: I know
Me: I don't know how I feel about it.
D: You don't believe me. I knew you wouldn’t and I don't blame you.
I chew on my nail as I read his text. Sly son of a bitch knows me too well these days.
Me: Even now, after all these years… It's like surprise Emjay, there's another betrayal.
D: ?
Me:??
D: What betrayal?
I couldn’t answer him right away. I had too many thoughts and emotions hit me at once at his lack of common decency. I walk away and take Harley with me, I need to not be near that phone while I process this. I light a Marlboro light while Harley runs and try to place my thoughts.
Do I have the right to be mad about him knowing Kendal was always lurking? I had a feeling, but he knew. He says that his Colorado friends were keeping an eye out, but if he was so concerned why wasn't he there?
Duh Mallory.
I forget why he left all too often.
Then why not tell me? Let me handle it the best I could. Kendal marked his own fate and proved that karma was a bitch, but I know why D watched out for me. His heart was in the right place, and in the end it didn't matter. I flick my smoke and whistle for my dog as we head in. I get to my phone and see the green light and he must be feeling puckish tonight.
D: Emjay, how did I betray you? Jess was a secret back then, but you know it all.
Me: I didn't know Ken was watching me. Not like you did. I knew he knew too much, but never knew he was in Colorado until it was too late. I never knew that you knew though.
My phone rings a few seconds later and it is him.
"I didn't want to scare you Luv. I wouldn’t be scared of him nose to nose, but without me there I was scared for you. I didn't want you irrational."
I sigh, but am at a loss for words.
"I am not irrational in general." I say and sit down, holding the card he sent with Harley between my fingers. So many amazing memories with D, so many hurtful ones. He is why I am only ever in dead end relationships. He keeps me from moving on.
"I told you a million times when we were together to make sure people knew who you were. I was a weapon you didn't use Emjay. Had you used me, shit would have stopped long before it got as bad as it did."
"Oh, so it's my fault?" I ask, completely floored he thinks I am to blame. That I deserved what was done to me.
I hear him breathing on the other end, and I know he is angry. D isn't much for fighting these days. He gives very little fucks about anything and brushes it all off. He has been through hell, I know that. I understand why he is who he is today.
All the more reason he should understand why I am, who I am because of my hell.
"What happened to you? The things he did over the years were his fault not yours. Your fault was never letting him know who you belonged to!"
I hear him curse then the phone call ended, and I knew he ended it. He knows I would tell him I belong to no one. He would tell me, as he always has, that I am his. We do not touch. We do not talk about a future. We are broken, and in the moments we talk we are able to curb the jagged pieces we both have.
That is why we are so close now.
Broken understands broken.
Chapter Eight
April, 2010
Boulder CO
Mallory
I flip the light off and head to my bed to do some edit work on an assignment due Monday. I keep putting it off, my focus gone because he is gone. He left, I knew he was leaving, but I never thought he would cut off all communication. He left me with nothing but memories I now hated. Ken had called me every day since D left. Sometimes he would call five or six times to ask me how I was. He was creeping me out, to the point, that had D and I still been an item I would have told him about it.
Ken's advances had gone from annoying to extreme and scary in less than the week D had left. My gut told me Kendal was in Boulder and I knew that my safest bet was to find out and meet with him. He wanted to be friends, he felt awful about cheating. The least I could do was let him clear his chest, then maybe he would move on. I have known him, literally forever. He deserved my giving him the opportunity to be my friend once again.
My heart stops when I see the green light start flashing on the top left corner of my phone. I want to not care, I want to chuck that fucking phone in the toilet. But, I know that if I don't answer him and tell him to fuck off or eat a dick, I will regret it.
D: I thought you were listening the night we met. I can get pussy anywhere. You know that.
Me: Fuck you
I toss my phone, not feeling too smart for my response as it will piss him off more. But I am over my own foolishness quickly. He hasn’t given a shit about my sadness or sorrow or the fact that for whatever reason he has forgotten me.
D: Do not tell me to fuck off. You know better Emjay.
Me: Do not act like anything you say matters. You’ve ignored me for three days, and when and only when I accuse you of something that is shady do you respond. So again, FO
D: FO?
Ooooh the fucker.
Me: FO, means fuck off. I can't help that you're too dumb to decipher it.
I smile, proud and feeling slightly better insulting him. It is the first time I feel that connection between us come back. I admit we are fucked up in how we communicate, but it's us and it works. There is no fire without friction. Our back and forth is friction. Hell, it was foreplay too.
D: Dumb is that you think I used you.
Ugh, I hate him. He has his own way of making a point. Fine, if he wants to try and make me guilty for telling him he used me then he can feel the guilt of ignoring me for three days.
Me: My bad big guy. I forgot that after fucking, you wait a three day grace period before you call. Not only are you dumb, you're mean.
I knew I was making it worse… I was mad though and he knew how to piss me off.
D: I get it. Talk to ya later.
Me: Oh shocker D. What ya gonna do? Ignore me for three days?
He was silent for about an hour and I was just fuming. Something was wrong, something happened in the last three days that has changed him and when I wasn't angry… I was hurt. I was self loathing, because that's what guys do. They fuck with your head until you think his reason for pulling away is something you’ve done. When, all along it's just that you are another notch on a worn out and tired belt.
I was about to try to shut the world out and just close my eyes when I saw that fucking green light go off. I hated the thump of my heart as it beat faster and the unmistakable excitement that he wasn't shutting me out.
D: I want to tell you why I've been silent, but I am more scared of you hating me than I am of the very real fact I will never see you again.
Now, my heart thumping was for the most dreadful feeling. Whatever he was about to tell me… was bad.
Me: Well, don't delay it. Fucking say it.
D: I'm so sorry luv.
<
br /> Me: Look, whatever it is just tell me. Delaying it is making it worse.
Silence, no light no sound. Just me sitting there waiting on the rug to be pulled from beneath me.
D: Fuck… you'll hate me luv.
Me: I might just for the fear you're causing.
There are moments in life that no amount of preparation could ever set you up you for. This was one of those moments.
D: I… fuck I'm married Mal.
Ohmygod.
Ohmygod.
Oh. My. God.
I felt like I had been kicked, the pain was so fierce. I felt the tears burn my eyes before I could truly process what he was saying. D is married. D has a wife at home, waiting on him. I wonder if she was excited to see him after three long weeks, where as I was devastated.
D: Emjay, say something luv.
I read the message and feel bile cramp my stomach.
Me: Don't call me that. Ever again.
D: God damn it Mallory, talk to me.
I tried to call him, felt even more shock when he answered on the first ring. "Hey, hold on a second." He tells me and I am not really holding on to much at this point. I need answers and he better give me them.
"I'm back. Sorry I wanted to pull over to talk." He sounds like him, somewhat unaffected and that rips me up because I am trying to hide my tears.
"So the 'I got a new job to drive local' bullshit was what? For my benefit or yours?" I was disgusted in myself for thinking there was truth in his story. I had moments when he would talk about Indiana or the club that I wasn't getting the whole story. I wasn't thinking it was this though. "Fuckin explain this to me please." I cry and hate the tears, fuck I hate them. I hate letting anyone know they hurt me, but it was worse somehow with D.
"I was never going to tell you Emjay. I never had any intention of you knowing. I wanted to leave and let you think I didn't care or that my obligations were to the club. They are, but deeper. Emjay, I swear to God I didn't come seeking this out. I never saw you coming."
"Do you think that makes this any easier?" I ask and imitate a pity filled D and mock him. "Oh I lied Emjay, I feel really bad about it though." I can't get air in my lungs and I am sick to my stomach.
Ugly, Perfect Page 6