I grab my cell phone and text him.
Me: If you have something to tell me, then tell me, not Kyra!
I silence my phone and toss it in my purse refusing to be distracted by him this upset while I drive. Alice in Chains, Would is on and I blast it all the way home.
By the time I got home he had called me three times. I didn't call him back. For once I let him see what vague felt like as I tackled the hardest part of our story.
It was what brought us back together for the second time.
Chapter Ten
August, 2011
Boulder, CO
I did it. I finished my first novel and I was submitting it in the morning to my agent. As feats went, this was huge. I wanted to call him. God, this was torture, and I had no right to want him. Happily married or miserable didn't matter. He was fucking married and I wasn't any mans side piece. Fuck it was bad enough knowing what I had done already. It wasn't like I was playing fair, hell neither of us were.
'I will never love anyone like I do you. I will never get over this.' His words wreck me, and even though I destroyed anything that would remind me of him, I would never forget what was already etched in my heart. I forced him to tell me goodbye. He didn't want to, he wanted to hold on and tell me anything but goodbye. I forced it. Goodbye was a word, one that held a finality we needed. When he said it though… I shattered into a million tiny pieces. But, like all fragile things, if not cared for they become ruined.
I used the emotion I had been living in to finish my novel, and to complete those final pieces that were impossible to write until he left. Once he was gone, that emotion became the goodbye my book needed. I wondered if the world would ever know how destroyed I was when I completed it.
Didn't matter though. It was done and I did it. Now I needed to come out of the sad place. I was moving in two weeks and starting U-dub in September. My first written piece was being published and life was going on and I needed to as well.
I had made an awful decision last summer when I saw Kendal in Friday Harbor for my father's funeral and rekindled our relationship in a moment of weakness. I missed D with such agony that anything capable of taking the pain away for even an instant was better than remembering everything we shared.
When I came back to Boulder, Kendal followed and wouldn’t leave me alone. I had ended things. I told him I was in love with someone else. He knew it was D, knew the minute I told him. He started threatening me and I finally got a restraining order. Alex was at my side all the time after that and I was rarely alone.
But when I was it was Dante that I thought of. I compared every guy that even talked to me to D and couldn’t move on. So I invented characters and gave them the happy ending I never got.
In my books, the guy was always willing to love and the woman was always the love of his life.
They were everything D and I weren't.
I missed him so deep, the pain fueled me, drove me and it is why I am determined to at least find happiness in my career.
I took a shot of whiskey and cracked one of my Modello especial and turned the music up. I stepped outside to light a smoke. Inhaling the Marlboro was so good and I giggled thinking that D would make fun of my version of living on the edge.
I see headlights pull into my parking lot and know without a second look who it is and cringe stubbing my smoke out and calling for Harley to heel at my door. Kendal got out of the car and came up, staggering side to side and threw a crumpled up piece of paper in my face.
He looked nothing like he did when I first couldn’t live without him. High school sweethearts were the best of love stories They were supposed to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary with tales of love at first sight. Ours was not that way, Kendal wasn't a story tale anymore. He peaked in high school and that was it, shit went downhill in an epic tailspin. He was what every senior swore they wouldn’t be in twenty years.
A staggering hateful junkie mad at the world for never making it big in life.
I open the crumpled paper he threw and see a Border county Court clerk seal on the document. "What is this?" I ask and stay back, knowing he can turn on a dime. I am up five steps from him and on the opposite side of the long porch, so for now I am safe, but I want to get to the door so if he comes at me Harley can attack.
She is growling at the door behind, ears perched as she listens for every sound and waits patiently for any sign of distress. She will barrel through the door, the window… anything threatening my safety.
"The fucking restraining order you put on me was removed. That's your copy, wanted to deliver it in person." He spat and I watch him shake as he tried to push his hair back from his face, sweat stains marring his three day old clothes.
I threw it back at him and made my way for the door, watching Harley who looked like she might break the damn door. "You obviously love to scare me, mission accomplished. Now leave."
I couldn’t have moved faster if I tried, but it wasn't fast enough. I felt him grab me by my hair and felt the brick of my building at my back, seconds before my head hit.
I tried to stand but something was wrong, and it petrified me knowing he wasn't done. I could hear Harley beating on the door and knew she would get her two hundred pound ass through that door one way or another. Then it hit me, that her barking would wake Alex who lived next door. "Stop.." I tried to talk but there was something wrong with my mouth and I could taste the blood. "Ken… you hit… you hit me too hard… help me…"
But his laugh over the sound of shattering glass was all I heard when he kicked me once, twice…
***
"Mallory wake up please." Alex cried and I could feel Harley licking my face and nudging me moaning.
"Har…" I stopped talking and knew something was wrong. I tried to open my eyes but my left eye wouldn’t open.
"Mal, stay still okay? These guys need to get you on a stretcher."
Tears welled in my eyes as I took focus on my surroundings and the neighbors all lining the street. Alex saw my fear and humiliation, tears of his own fell. "Look, Mal we got him this time. Your neighbor saw it all and told his wife to call the cops. He came over here with a loaded shot gun and aimed until he stopped."
"What happened to Har?" I ask, my words a garbled mess as the paramedics lifted me onto a gurney.
"It was over as fast once she busted through the window Your neighbor got her to heel." I knew then it was Joe, the guy across the hall who's son Ty walked Harley when I had class late. Harley knew Joe and Ty.
"We need to go, now. You can meet us at St Michaels." The paramedic said and they took me from the worst reality ever.
"No stop…" I cried as panic set in, my mind foggy I couldn’t remember where Harley was. "My dog…" I cried and the paramedic turned to Alex.
"He is with the neighbors. We told you honey, you're confused."
"She probably has a concussion, we really need to go." The paramedic said and Alex nodded. Then it all hit me.
Oh, oh fuck. "He got me?" I ask him, the look on his face tells me I am right.
"Yes baby, he got you." Alex says and kisses my fingers as they move me to the ambulance. "I am so sorry Mal, I tried to get to you."
I wanted to reassure him, but couldn’t make sense of anything.
I feel my tears roll knowing my sweet dog is safe and I lie back as images flash through my mind. I watch as we pull from the parking lot and I know that enough is enough and we are done with Colorado.
Three days later…
It had been three days since Kendal tried to kill me. Three days since my world truly turned on its axis. Three days since I got out of bed. It's been two days since he was released on bail and free to finish the job. There was a no contact order in place, but paper wont scare Ken.
It wasn't the beating that was hurting me so bad though, it was the beating after the worst heartbreak in history left me alone.
I wanted him, I wanted him in bed beside me keeping me safe. I didn't care that he had a woman in
his bed, or people relying on him. I had hit selfish the minute I woke up and learned just how bad Ken got me.
Bruised kidneys, three broken ribs, my nose broke in two places. Chunks of hair missing, four knots on my head, dislocated jaw, bruised larynx and a slew of bruises over my body. I couldn’t remember much, I lost about five hours total, but the headache and recovering were enough to keep me in a Vicodin haze.
It did me no good though, it made it so I wasn't a crying broken mess. But that was all, I hurt and my heart ached and nothing was fixing it. I called Joe and asked if Ty could help with Harley until I was feeling better and could walk her.
All I did was think.
Think about the unattainable man I missed more than I thought was possible, time to think on Kendal who enjoyed my suffering. Time to hate myself for loving someone who wasn't mine, and time to be selfish and think of the time he was mine and she didn't exist. Think of the one weekend we shared in bed. Think of U-Dub and how I had no desire to go now. I wanted to move, but the thought of going on with my life seemed impossible now.
That night, it was no shock that in my pain pill haze I sat looking through an old box full of memories. I wanted to know why I never saw him coming. How did I ever want Kendal? He had to have been rotten somehow, and I missed it. I had a lifetime of memories with him. All ruined and destroyed and somewhere I had missed it. I pulled out a small box, and knew what it was the minute I saw the red and black logo on the box.
I pull the phone out and try to power it up but it is dead. I pull the charger out of the box and plug it in, knowing that a small piece of him is on this phone. It was the one thing I didn't remove him from, because it had been so long since I had used it. It was the only gateway to what I needed.
I know you are judging me, hell I judge me. But D was the only person that could pull me out of this darkness. I needed to know I was loved, that someone could take my anger and pain and hold it for me so I could get the ugly parts out of me. There was this hole in me that Ken left, and D was the only thing that was able to take it in and let me release it.
I hated myself for knowing that there was a woman at home waiting on him to get home safely, but there was no sub-conscious decision to be made. I own it. I knew damn well that I was walking right into his arms and breaking covenant rules that God himself would smite me for.
I was ashamed and felt absolutely vile, but I knew I needed just a moment to be in his love again. Thousands of miles separated us and a million secrets, but I believed in a connection that was stronger than my guilt, my moral compass and any judgment anyone could place on me. I needed him to heal me. He loved me in a way that took the bad away and kept me believing.
I wasn't one to play games or to beat around the bush. I say what I feel and very seldom do I use a filter. It was what he loved most about me, but also what drove him crazy. Time and time again he called me a lunatic for it. I make no excuses for being a strong woman, even though I am weak as fuck at times, he is the only person who I allow to see me weak. So, filter-less I reached out and hoped he was there and not angry for breaking a rule we both swore we never would.
Me: I know we said goodbye, but I had a bad run in with Ken, and lost. Now I am lost… please D, please be the man who loves me tonight…
Within moments of sending it, my phone rang and I saw the 219 area code and knew. "Hey D…" I say and feel the weight of it all come crashing down on me.
"What happened Luv? You got me scared." His voice, fuck I didn't think I could forget it, but I hadn't saved the memory of it well. Hearing his mid west accent, tipped me off the ledge I was teetering on and felt my tears fall.
I went through the tale quickly. There was so much I still couldn’t remember, but I had what the officers gave me to piece things together. "He brought his girlfriend with him." I cry and bury my face in self shame. "She held me down while he beat on me. I couldn’t fight D, I swear I tried until I lost consciousness." I hear him curse and I am unable to finish knowing his anger was building. I could feel it. "Call me on video chat luv." He demands, and I pulled the phone back, looking at it like it was him and he was fucked in the head thinking I would let him see the damage.
"No, it's awful. It's worse than the day he did it." I cry and hear him muffle the phone and roar mother fucker into the midnight air.
The line went dead and I looked at my phone with frustration, when my Facebook video chat lit up with a call from Dante Kole. I ignored the call and went to climb in my bed, knowing if he called again it was dark enough inside he wouldn’t see. Sure enough he called again, so I flipped the light off and answered.
"Nope. Mallory get your ass in some light right the fuck now and let me see what that fucking pale impression of a man did. Now. I ain't asking Emjay."
I crept down the hallway and grabbed a Marlboro and stepped out, standing under the dim porch light and lit the smoke. I held the phone out so he could take in the sight of me. The handprint on my throat, my swollen and black eyes, bruised and swollen face… it was enough, he saw enough. I pulled the phone back and sat it, face out on my lap. Where I could see his face and he could no longer see mine.
His eyes held such a sadness, no- that wasn't the word. Misery, this intense wretchedness and those eyes that burned me, were now breaking my heart. Gone was the fun loving guy, who begged me once to tell him I loved him, and in his place was a broken ideal of him. He now carried some of my darkness, and I felt like shit for wanting him then, for tarnishing him. Yeah he knew Ken loved multiple women and living on the edge, but now he knew how black Kendal could get.
Something, I too learned the hard way.
"Emjay, luv… fuck …" I knew he didn't have words, I didn't either. "I am sitting in this truck, alone in the middle of fuckin nowhere and I need to explode. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
I can feel his desperation, he wants to fix me. He always wants to fix me. He hates that I was hurt, that I was here unaware of the danger. "You had MC stuff on weekends, oh and a wife and child too! Fuck honestly D, I don't feel right calling and reaching out now, but I can't do this alone." I shake my head feeling such weakness.
"Emjay, you know why I am locked here and none of it has to do with love other than Rayen. Everything else is business, club and life. If it was love only, I would be there, it's not that easy."
"I have heard all of this before D, save the goodbye." I hung up, furious that he wanted to reassure me in the most awful way, by reminding me that he was still gone and never coming back for me. I was the one reaching out, for cold comfort. I was the one that was wrong here. I know he has guilt, but seriously I just needed to be loved tonight. I couldn’t take another night of him reminding me that I would never be enough.
My phone rang and I answered knowing he didn't deserve my bullshit… well he did, but not for this. What did I expect? I figured he would understand what I needed, I didn't expect him telling me once again that yes, he loves me, but he loves the MC, the life and the world more than me. I understood it all at Rayen, kids first, always. Rayen was the only reason I didn't fight. She was why I let go. "Don't hang up luv, fuck I am so sorry. I am ripped by this babe, give me time to process."
And there he was. That was Dante, scary and mad as hell, then poof in an instant the man I loved to my core and I could feel that comfort. I cried and raged and he let me hate. "He is so lucky I am almost two thousand miles away. There's a reason I am part of a club that is open to outlaw luv, and it's shit like this that sends me over to the dark place."
"Just love me tonight D. We can be back to strangers tomorrow and forget we existed, but I need to be loved by someone who wants nothing from me."
I wished so hard for things to be different, but I don't think it would be better had we lived in Colorado and just had a break up. The thought of him doing anything to Kendal that would cost him his freedom, that would cost Rayen, wasn't worth it.
"Listen luv, go lay down and put the phone on speaker. Try to get some sleep and know I am on
the line if you need me. We can talk until you sleep." I nod and yawn through my tears and climb in my bed, feeling my medicine kick in and the pain in my kidneys easing.
"I miss you, so much. I would give anything for you to be here and I didn't know the truth Dante." I scared him when I was so honest, but I would never feel shame for loving him.
"Me too luv, I've been miserable and I swear I second guess myself every day until I see my girl, being there for it all is how I make it right."
The truth of that, knowing he misses me eases the pain in my heart. I set the phone on the pillow beside me. "I get it, I know you are bound. Just, not tonight please baby. Not tonight."
"I miss you Emjay. I miss everything about you and I love you…" I know he is fighting for words and I smile knowing he is frustrated by it. "I am crawling out of my skin knowing that piece of trash is free."
"Just stay with me tonight… give me tonight and I will disappear again and heal, but I couldn’t do it alone tonight."
"Ssssh, get some sleep baby. I'm here."
My eyes close and I am fast asleep with thoughts that D meant what he said. I doubt it, he didn't want me. He didn't choose me. But he gave me tonight, so tomorrow I will move on. Tonight… tonight I'll pretend.
Chapter Eleven
Present Day
Seattle WA
Emjay,
There is a lot of shit you don't know. I never wanted you to know because you aren't built for it. There are so many things I should have done different, hind sight is 20/20, but I can't change it now. I'm sending over a part I would like you to add, whether you see it as crucial to the story or not, I do and if I am in this then pull no punches and tell the truth. The pen is mightier than the sword and maybe if you know the whole truth, you'll write it about us and who we are and not the twisted little version of meant to be you have concocted in your head.
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