Ugly, Perfect

by Melanie Walker

  I haven't responded to his email, he probably thinks that I am angry over what he did to Ken, but I am finally convinced after years of debate, that he loves me.

  We were everything I hated and loved.

  Eight years I have loved him. It has aged me, burned me, broken me and I have remained single because of it. I haven't moved on. I have dated a few guys who I knew, as did D, that they weren't it. I dated men that were never what he was. I fear anything that powerful taking me over, but I also fear finding it and losing D.

  My world was tipped upside down the minute I met him and from there on I had a kaleidoscope view of the world. Suddenly, I understood love in a way most people never would. I knew what it was like to be in love with a married man. I could justify it in my kaleidoscope, I wasn't Brittany Pike. I loved him with every breath and beat of my heart. It wasn't money, sex, status or drugs, it was my soul connected to his in a way that ruined us both.

  It is that thought that breaks my silence with him and I reach out.

  Me: I never knew.

  I wait, on baited breath for him to respond and worry I may have shut him out too long. I have batted my broken heart against him before in hate fueled emails and texts, drunk texts, broken moments. He remains silent in them all and says nothing and there are times I wait for weeks on him to respond.

  My green light flashes and I breathe, realizing I wasn't.

  D: I know. I never wanted you to know.

  My response is immediate.

  Me: Why?

  The silence is deafening as I wait for his response, the world tuned out as we talk about things that change everything. I haven't begun to tell his story yet and I don't know where to go now. Once again, my kaleidoscope view changes everything I thought for years.

  D: Because you couldn’t handle it. You wanted to believe he had a sense of goodness inside of him and refused to see there was none. He is a vacant evil pile of shit and your heart kept you from seeing it.

  D: You dealt with evil the only way you could Mallory and it sure as fuck isn't my way of dealing with it. So I protected you the only way I know how and tried to make sure he never did it again.

  I read the two messages and there is this deep turmoil brewing as I wonder if now I tell the truth. I know I need to, that for once we can clear the air and stop with the secrets and be real, for real, for once.

  Me: He never stopped hurting me until he was sent to prison D.

  His response shatters something inside of me.

  D: I know.

  I read it three times before I call him and he answers on the first ring. "How?" I ask and I am shocked I found the word.

  "Because I know that type and they don't stop, until they are stopped."

  He sounds so far away from me, it isn't distance. It's something so much more.

  "Why didn't you ever say anything?" I am so calm, so is he. It's like we were both caught in the same lie and finally feel the peace from the truth.

  "We didn't speak for three years after that night. I was always ready for that call, knew it wasn't going to come though." I hear him shifting around and picture him in bed while we talk. "Kyra told me that her loyalties were to you, but I made her swear she would tell me if it got that bad again."

  It didn't. "And if it did?"

  "I would have come back, finished it and put you back together."

  "Like before?" I question.

  "Like before." He states, neither of us acknowledge the fact that finished it meant killing Kendal.

  "I wanted you there. I wanted to call you every time." I admit and hate myself for it.

  "Then why didn't you?" There is a bite to his tone and I rub my eyes, tired, but thankful we are finally talking. I am scared with every deep breath he will close up on me. The D I dated, and the man on the phone with me now are two very different men.

  We were so innocent back then. Our love was innocent. What we shared overshadowed our age difference and our lives outside of one another. I cannot change that he was married, just as I cannot change my belief in Kendal. Now, I am a broken tattered mess of who I was at eighteen and D is a tattered and tangled version of the man I loved back then.

  I loved him so much deeper and harder now, it was in every single part of me. He was why I survived it. It was his voice in my mind every time I took a punch, every time I cried myself to sleep terrified Kendal was going to kill me.

  D was there, telling me to fight.

  "I was scared. I didn't want to look like the weak girl that wouldn’t leave you alone. We said goodbye, I had to accept it in order to move on."

  "Did you accept it and move on?"

  I laugh bitterly. "Fuck no. How do you think we ended up here?"

  He laughs now too. "Well, that is my doing. I couldn’t let you go this last time."

  And there it is, the pain and the reminder that we were given a second chance and again failed. "Oh please. You cannot take credit for that. You ruined me two years ago, it took a year to get me passed it. We are where we are today because I stopped believing in fate."

  "And where are we today Emjay?" He sounds so sincere and I know he is. He hasn’t wavered in the last year, we have become the friends we were always supposed to be, that we became because the timing was off.

  "We are still waiting on the timing to be right."

  He is so quiet, I look at my phone to see if the call was dropped, but he speaks and everything in me stills at his words.

  "Maybe it finally is."

  Chapter

  December 2014

  Seattle, WA

  I was stuck in the story, nothing was taking my train of thought today. Then, my phone buzzed beside me. I tuned it out… until I saw a green light flashing in alert. It had been three years since I spoke with him last. I rarely spoke of him or allowed myself to think about him and how deep the wound went.

  How do you get over someone who saved you? How do you move on from someone who took your bad shit in and carried it so you could breathe? Who am I kidding…? I think of him every time I see Ken and that scar over his eye. He had been in a drug deal altercation the same time D showed up to see me after the beating and that wound showed up after that drug deal.

  When I saw his name, confirming he was in fact reaching out and it wasn't a glitch on my phone, my fucking heart stopped.

  He has radar, I swear to God, he knows when I am happy and thriving or dating or getting laid. He knows and swoops in to shit right on it, as only he can.

  I open the message and read, not sure where to go. Perhaps I had assumed he would draw it out, or lead me in like he always does with a joke or something to connect on.

  D: Hey you…

  The characters of such a small message should not affect me like they do, but they seem sad somehow.

  Suddenly the story I am writing is lost on a train of thoughts that take me back three years. The dilemma here is if I should answer or not? I want to answer and reopen that history as much as I want to see my name on the Best Seller list again. Maybe he is here in Seattle and wants to see me. Maybe he thinks enough time has passed and we can be friends.

  I am not the girl I was three years ago. I am war torn now. I have deep rooted scars from the last three years dealing with the drama with Kendal. I am always on the move, never a creature of habit. I learned to never be predictable and learned that to be safe, meant to always be ready. I could fight or I could run and both were viable and good options. I however, always stayed. I was stubborn and could not let him win. I moved apartments often, but I stayed in Seattle because it was home to me now. I never lived by structure or pattern. I used to and it made me a victim, so now; I never make plans until the last minute. I have no secrets from both Alex and Kyra because the world I live in requires one of them always knowing where I am.

  I don't open my windows for the smell of rain in the spring. I don't forget to lock my door or set my alarm. I have Harley trained to never let me forget. She won't move from the door if I forget to lock i
t until I come back to lock it. She won't walk like a normal dog either. She is trained to sniff out any danger before enjoying a walk.

  She was the greatest gift I ever had received, she was also the reminder of who gifted her to me. She was with me and busted through the window to protect me at that first attack. There have been eight since, but nothing like the first attack.

  I have been through so much in those three years. I was stronger, but any innocence I had left was gone and now I was a shell of that girl. I was damaged goods at best. I wasn't the prize any man sought after to win. The ones that showed interest were the ones I was quickest to get rid of. I didn't think it was fair to risk their safety dating me, but I also knew that it wasn't a fair to hold them to the standard I had created.

  Maybe it was in keeping myself safe, but also because I was still completely, hopelessly in love with D.

  I look at the message again and eye it for an eternity, before caving and answering like I knew I would all along.

  I typed and deleted five different messages before settling with the same vagueness he sent.

  Me: Hey you. Been a long time. How are you?

  He responds immediately and I am breathing heavily and start bouncing my knee with anxiety and it makes my Harley girl nervous.

  D: I'm okay.

  Then another text comes through right after.

  D:I left my wife. I'm getting divorced.

  I drop my phone and cover my face. I cannot process this.

  Holy shit!

  "Holy shit!" I say and stand from my seat at my desk. My laser focus a distant memory now as I try to process what the fuck he just said. Harley follows me as I head to my back door and let her out to run for a minute while I smoke and try to process.

  I know I need to say something, we didn't end bad, we ended because we had nowhere else to go before destroying not only us, but his family. Not responding makes me look like a bitch.

  I open the messages on my phone, cigarette having been chucked in the tray on my table.

  Me: Holy shit!

  I hit send before I could retract it and realize it reads as shocked as I am right now.

  Me: I'm sorry D. What happened?

  He responds quickly again and I feel myself calming down as what he says hits me. I have a million questions but he doesn’t need to hear them just yet.

  D: She cheated on me with my best friend.

  And like that I am reminded that though I know so much about D, I know very little too.

  Me: Was he a club member?

  I am chewing my nail and looking at Harley as she waits for me to come in from the light mist rain that is constant for a Seattle winter.

  D: Not him no, he was Best man at our wedding. He was my best friend all through school.

  My heart, the fucking betraying thing in my chest feels for him.

  Me: I am so sorry D.

  It’s a few minutes before he responds and I wonder if he closed up already.

  D: I'm ok. I wanted to avoid a divorce for Rayen's sake, but I wasn't invested outside of the club and our daughter. I'm pissed by the betrayal though.

  I try to not read between the lines and it's impossible.

  Me: When did this happen?

  D: A few weeks ago.

  I can't help but ask my next question.

  Me: How long did you debate on texting me?

  I am sitting on my couch, phone in my hands as I wait on that light.

  D: Three years.

  I hate how my heart warms at that. I hate how he makes me feel when I would rather not.

  Me: How is Rayen handling it?

  I sidestepped his response unable to handle the gravity of it. I needed to be smart and strong here, two things I suck at when D is involved.

  D: Not well, but I see her as much as I can.

  I want to tell him to run to me. I want to hop a plane and go to him, but I am terrified of what it all means, or could mean.

  Me: Well, I know you wanted it to work D. I'm sorry it didn't.

  D: As long as I have Rayen happy, I will be fine.

  I don't know what to say next and the whole thing is awkward as fuck. He is hurting and reaching out for God only knows what, and I can't breathe for the truth of his being single.

  Single means nothing though. I should know. I am single, but I am not available for anyone but him. Now he is single and I am more lost than I have been in three years. I always knew how to handle the drama of Dante and Mallory… I was at a loss now though.

  D: I follow you on social media. I'm proud of you Emjay. I even read your books.

  This makes me smile.

  Me: You read my books? Who knew romance was your thing?

  D: LOL they were good. I'm proud of you.

  It is the best compliment I have ever received. Knowing he read them, most likely hated them being that they are romance novels, meant a lot to me.

  Me: Thank you D.

  We spoke on and off all night. The conversation stayed at an uncomfortable platonic level, neither one of us willing to cross that line we drew in the sand three years ago. I hadn't forgotten him. I thought of him every day and fantasized of a day we would be together. I always knew that if he ever was single, that it would be at a cost. I didn't know how to act or what protocol was anymore. He hadn't been mine in over three years. I didn't know if it would be another three years before I heard from him again or if he was reaching out for something neither of us knew yet.

  I just knew that now he was single. He paid dearly for it and that now he was lost and a little broken too.

  Part Two

  Aftermath

  Chapter Fifteen

  Somewhere over Iowa

  Present day

  I had been on a plane for almost five hours and decided to write through the torture. I hate flying and I hate leaving Harley. My sister Miranda was babysitting her while I went to Chicago to spend time with my past, in my present.

  I have been to Chicago a handful of times over the last few years. I had physically been close to Dante and only once did I reach out. I had made the trips as short as possible so I wouldn’t cave and reach out. I have been to St John's township in Indiana twice to visit Kyra, though I stayed in Chicago and only visited under friendship codes that kept me far away from D.

  This weekend however would have happened regardless. Kyra and Nick were getting married tomorrow.

  Alex is beside me, waking up and groaning as he looks out the window and see's nothing but pasture and farm land. "Oh my God, how much longer?"

  "About an hour." I say and ruffle his hair, rightfully pissing him off. He is such a diva and a six hour flight with a diva, in coach no less, is awful.

  "Stop it you bitch. I need to be presentable." He says and leans over to read my laptop. " I just knew that now he was single. He paid dearly for it and that now he was lost and a little broken too." He reads the last line of what I was writing, in what I can only assume is my voice, and a bad rendition at that.

  "Was that an impression of me?" I ask and shut my laptop.

  He nods and smiles. "I worked on it for hours your Junior year. I have perfected it."

  I laugh and push his head off my shoulder. "I sound nothing like that."

  He laughs and plays with his collar. "Oh I know, but you're so dark these days that I have to read in that voice or I'll likely kill myself."

  He dabs a clear lip gloss on his lips, puckers them and blows me a kiss.

  "Christ Al, you are more girly than Kyra and I combined."

  "Honey, your dog is more girly than you." He eyes my black skinny jeans with the holes in the knees, my black bootie heels and black scoop neck tank top and makes a face of confusion. "We are going to a wedding sweet pea, not a funeral."

  "Are you kidding me? Black is sheik. All the gays know this. We women rely on you to bring color into the world of fashion." I look at his turquoise polo paired with leopard print skinny jeans and grey Toms and smile because I love him.

  "Oh
, puh-lease my angry friend. You have been doom and gloom since the day I met you." He leans back and rolls his head to the side so he can see me. "Fresh out of the tornado you love to hate named Dante. Spewing philosophical bullshit on love and hate being equals."

  "What?" I laugh and smack his arm. "You loved that paper, it was published."

  "Oh I still quote it, men eat that shit up. I just think that maybe you need to tone down on the hate and let the love in." He leans in and lowers his voice. "You need miles on that vagina baby or she will die of natural causes."

  I laugh at that. "I have sex." I whisper back and nudge him.

  "Yeah barely baby. You need to be railed though, live a little and get freaky with it." He glances down at my crotch with an obvious frown. "Poor thing is probably dying to be stretched and used."

  Now I am laughing, with tears in my eyes and people are starting to look our way. Alex looks to the woman behind us who most likely heard the entire conversation. "Sorry, poor thing choked on her peanut."

  This makes me laugh harder and now he is laughing with me and we are getting looks from everyone. "Look all I am saying is you and Biker D are in a good place, a healthy place. I just think you should take healthy to the bedroom or the coat closet or wherever people from Schererville, Indiana, have sex."

  I think about his words and wonder if D and I are in a healthy place, if we ever could be? We knew this weekend was coming. He would be Nicks best man and I am Kyra's maid of honor. Rayen is a flower girl. Jess is in Kyra's wedding line with Alex and I.

  Healthy?

  Fuck no, this has anxiety attack written all over it.

  Kyra swore that it would be fine when we spoke a few days ago and I was freaking out. "Mal, she isn't going to say anything. I don't think she knows about you accept what I have told her over the years. I would guess it'll be worse for Dante than you. He can't stand her."

  From what I have gathered over the years, he never really could. He was weird about Jess. He loved her, he never denied it. There were points that even after she cheated, he wanted her back. Jess destroyed him in the end, took more from him than he knew was possible.

  "I know Kyra." I had told her, but she told me it was my guilt.