Fractured

by Barker, Dawn

  Dr Morgan waited as a nurse walked past them towards the hospital, then turned to Tony again. ‘Why do you think she said you didn’t want a baby?’

  ‘She knew I did, I just didn’t feel there was any rush. She wanted me to go to the doctor after only six months, to get some tests too, but I didn’t see the need.’

  ‘Anna had already been to see her doctor about it?’

  ‘She went to the GP without telling me. The doctor ordered some blood tests or something and told her that there wasn’t any need to worry yet, that it can take a year. But she got so desperate, so obsessed with it all, so I went too. All my tests came back normal. The GP said we had to wait a few more months before she could refer us to a fertility doctor … So eventually we went, and the specialist couldn’t find anything wrong either. He said that sometimes couples just weren’t compatible.’ He smiled sarcastically and turned towards Dr Morgan. ‘Can you believe that? He meant the egg and sperm, but it was ironic – by that point, I was almost starting to have my doubts about us.’

  Dr Morgan said nothing, but kept watching Tony. He blushed. ‘No, I wasn’t. I don’t know why I said that. I knew from when I met her that she was the one.’ His voice was cracking; he tried to cover it up by laughing. ‘She wanted something to be wrong with me, so she could blame me.’

  ‘It sounds like she was blaming herself.’

  He stretched his legs out. ‘Yeah.’ He remembered how relieved he’d been when the test showed that the problem wasn’t his fault. Had he blamed Anna, just a bit? Had he been a little smug in the knowledge that there was no problem with his fertility? He had tried to stay supportive and sympathetic, but had Anna seen through him? He pushed the thought away. ‘Anyway, we didn’t need any treatment in the end.’

  ‘No?’

  ‘No.’ He smiled. ‘We were ready to start IVF. Anna seemed to be back to her old self by then – you know, she had a plan, she said she knew it would work. She was more positive, less anxious. But then she felt weird when she was teaching one day; she stood up in the classroom and felt dizzy. I got home from work and found her asleep on the couch, then the next morning she came back through to the bedroom after her shower and held up a little plastic stick.’ He smiled at the memory of Anna squealing and jumping all around the house. He’d realised then, when the test was positive, that he wanted a child as much as she did, that his life before that moment seemed empty and frivolous, and how much he looked forward to having his own family.

  His face crumpled and he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. He didn’t want to take his hands away; for a few moments, he had been back with Anna and Jack, back in their life before all this had happened. Back with their excitement and dreams and anticipation.

  It was all gone now.

  He looked straight ahead, swallowed, then spoke. ‘Does she understand what’s happened? To Jack, I mean?’

  Dr Morgan shook her head. A breeze had picked up and it blew her hair around her face; she tucked it behind her ears. ‘Anna’s still … she’s still very unwell. I don’t know that she’d be able to understand right now.’

  ‘Has she mentioned him?’

  ‘A few times. She’s asked if he’s OK, but then she moves on to something else. But that’s not unusual in this situation, Tony. She’s psychotic, her thoughts are very confused, and she’s paranoid. I also think she’s been hearing voices. We’ve noticed her muttering to herself, and she’s talked about people telling her to do things.’

  Tony bit his lip. He pictured her at home lying in bed, staring into the corner as if there were someone there, mumbling, then pushed the image away.

  ‘Before she came into hospital, how was she?’

  Tony wanted to tell the psychiatrist all of his doubts, every moment, every word that he’d gone over and over in his mind. How much was relevant? How much did Dr Morgan need to know? He couldn’t help but feel that he was betraying Anna by talking about her. He reminded himself that Dr Morgan wasn’t the police. She was there to help Anna, and that’s what he wanted to do, too. Wasn’t it?

  ‘She wasn’t good. I just thought she was tired, you know, she had a new baby, no sleep.’ His voice got softer. ‘To begin with I thought that maybe she was depressed. She’d be really down, then she’d be OK, then down again. I told her to go to the GP. I said that my mum could come over and help her. I didn’t know … I didn’t know it was serious. She’d gone to the doctor and she said she was fine.’ His heart was racing now. He could see her, lying on that damn bed, saying nothing. He had walked out the door and left them. ‘I didn’t know this was going to happen!’

  ‘Tony, Tony …’ Dr Morgan held her hands out towards him. ‘Please – it’s not your fault. I’m just trying to find out whatever I can to help Anna.’

  ‘Sorry —’

  ‘Don’t be silly, there’s nothing to be sorry for.’

  He wasn’t so sure.

  Just then, he heard the electronic chirping of a pager. Dr Morgan apologised and reached down to rummage through her bag. She took out a black plastic pager the size of her palm, pressed a button on the top to make the beeping stop, then another to read the message. She frowned, put it back in her bag and stood up. ‘I’m sorry to cut this short, but that was the ward – I need to go back.’

  ‘OK, I —’

  Dr Morgan hesitated. ‘It’s Anna. The nurse is worried about her.’

  ‘What? What’s happened?’ He stood up straightaway, his heart pounding. What else could possibly be wrong?

  ‘We don’t need to panic, it’s just that she’s got a bit of a temperature —’

  ‘A temperature? She’s sick! I knew it! I told them in Emergency – there’s something physically wrong with her, they haven’t looked properly. My God. She’s just had ECT, but she was sick all along!’ He shook his head. ‘I should never have agreed to this.’

  Dr Morgan took a step towards him and spoke calmly. ‘It could be anything. It might just be a cold. Let’s go back and see.’

  He wanted to yell, to lash out. He had trusted the doctors, even though he hadn’t wanted to, when they told him Anna was physically OK. He had trusted their judgement when they said she needed to be in a psychiatric hospital, that they’d make her better, but now she was getting worse. He had trusted them to care for her properly. Shame bolted through him like an electric shock – he had failed to look after her, too.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Five weeks before

  Sunday, 9 August 2009

  When Jack had finished feeding, Anna wrapped him up tightly in his blankets, then put him in the clear plastic cot in the corner of the hospital room. She hung the ‘do not disturb’ sign outside the door, then undressed and showered with the bathroom door open so she could hear him if he cried. She was glad she had brought her own shampoo. She wanted to make sure that she looked nice today, the day she took her baby home.

  She dried herself with the thin hospital towel, wishing she’d brought her own – she would definitely remember to put that on her list for the next baby. She smiled at the thought of Tony’s face if she told him she already wanted another one. She unfolded the pale green dress from her drawer, unrolled a tan belt, then dressed quickly before checking on Jack. He was fast asleep now, his mouth making little sucking motions. She resisted the urge to touch his soft cheek again, in case she woke him. He hadn’t slept for most of the night; he needed some quiet time now. She towel-dried her hair, in case the hair dryer woke him, then combed it. With the bags packed beside her, she sat on the bed and flicked through a magazine until Tony opened the door ten minutes later.

  ‘Your taxi is here!’ He leaned over to kiss Jack, then her. ‘Are you both ready?’

  ‘Yes, so ready! We’ve just got to wait for all the paperwork. I told them you were coming at nine but of course it’s still not here.’ She rubbed at her eyes and stifled a yawn.

  ‘How did the night go? You look tired.’

  ‘You’re lucky you went home. Jack was unsettled
all night again; every time I thought he was falling asleep I put him down, and then he’d start crying again. The only way he’d settle was in my arms, but of course you’re not allowed to cuddle them in bed.’ She blinked back tears. ‘Sorry, I’m being silly. That horrible night nurse was on again, the one who said I was breastfeeding all wrong. I don’t know, I just felt intimidated by her. So stupid … She came in with her torch and shone it in my face and made me put him back in the cot, and then he woke up again.’

  ‘Oh no, I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s fine, I’m just so glad to be going home. Then I can do what I think is best.’

  Tony took a step closer to her and put his arm around her shoulders. ‘You should have called me. I told you to phone if you needed me.’

  At one point last night she had held her mobile phone in her hand, urging herself to call Tony and tell him how lonely she was, and that she needed his help, but she had put the phone down again. He was tired too; it wouldn’t have been fair. She looked at him now and smiled. ‘Doesn’t matter. I hope you enjoyed your good night’s sleep – it’s probably the last one for a while!’

  He looked down at Jack again. ‘I can’t wait to have my little family at home. I’ll go and get a trolley for all these flowers.’ He squeezed her shoulder and walked out.

  Anna rechecked all the cupboards and drawers. She couldn’t wait to get out of here, away from the noise of nurses chattering and babies screaming, away from the constant stream of people in and out of her room, the lack of privacy. But at the same time it was strange knowing that she was going home to the place where she’d only ever lived as one half of a couple. And now they were three.

  Within minutes, Tony was back, waving an envelope in one hand and pushing a metal trolley with the other. ‘We are officially free to go!’ he said in a mock deep voice. She laughed, carefully picked up Jack, and stood waiting for Tony to load the trolley. Just then, a cleaner came into the room. Anna asked her to take their picture, then stood next to Tony and smiled for the camera. Their first family photograph.

  They left two of their eight bunches of flowers at the nurses’ station for the ward staff, went down in the lift, then walked out of the hospital. Anna raised her head and breathed deeply. She hadn’t been outside for five days.

  ‘I’d forgotten how cold it was,’ she said as she wrapped the white blanket tighter around Jack. ‘It’s like being in a bubble in there.’

  When they got to the car, Anna strapped Jack into the capsule. ‘Babe, do you think he’s in right?’

  Tony glanced over. ‘Yeah, looks good.’ He continued to load the boot with the bags and gifts.

  ‘Can you check it for me?’ Jack looked so tiny and vulnerable. He had no idea what was happening to him. She leaned down and kissed his head. Her eyes filled with tears as she whispered to him, ‘We’re taking you home now.’

  * * *

  Back at the house, Anna gasped and laughed when she saw the front door. It was covered with blue balloons. She was so lucky: she had a thoughtful, loving husband, and now a gorgeous son. She kissed Tony. ‘Aw, that’s very sweet, babe, thank you!’

  ‘I was hoping they’d still be there when we got back – I didn’t think about how to attach them, all I could find was sticky tape.’

  ‘They’re lovely. Let’s get inside.’

  Anna lifted the sleeping baby out of the capsule and cradled him in one arm. She looked around, hoping that one of the neighbours would be out in their garden so she could show him off, but the street was quiet. She followed Tony up the path to the door.

  Inside, she gently laid Jack in his wicker bassinette next to their bed. Ursula had given it to her; it had been Tony’s and Lisa’s when they were babies. The white sheets with little yellow elephants embroidered in the corners were pulled tight across the mattress. The cot was all set up in the nursery, but he was too little for that at the moment, and Anna wanted him to sleep next to them for a few months. As she looked down at Jack, Tony put his arms around her waist from behind and hugged her. ‘He’s beautiful,’ he said. ‘Well done, Anna.’

  ‘I didn’t do it on my own!’ She leaned down, wincing from the pain of her scar.

  ‘I’ll get him,’ Tony said. ‘You’re not meant to lift, remember?’

  He picked up the bassinette and they went into the living room. She heard Jessie’s claws clattering on the glass doors at the back of the room, and looked up to see her leaping around in circles, her tail in a frenzy. Anna laughed. ‘Jessie!’ She turned to Tony. ‘I think we should wait until she’s calmed down a bit before we let her in to meet Jack.’

  ‘Good idea.’ He put the bassinette on the kitchen bench that separated the kitchen from the living area. He smiled. ‘What now?’

  ‘Yeah – weird isn’t it?’

  ‘Go and have a lie-down, babe. You must be tired. I’ll bring him through if he seems hungry.’

  She slowly made her way back down the hall into their bedroom, loosening her belt, and lay down, groaning with pleasure at being back in her own bed. She rolled onto her side, still surprised that her bump had gone, and fell fast asleep.

  Jack’s cries woke her from the middle of a dream and she jumped up instinctively, then fell back down again from the tight, pulling pain in her abdomen. ‘Shit!’

  Tony walked in with the baby. ‘You OK?’

  ‘Fine – just got up too quickly.’

  ‘I think he’s hungry.’

  ‘Help me get some of these cushions right, will you?’

  Tony put the baby down on the bed and helped Anna get settled against the pillows. ‘Good job you were organised and made all those meals for the freezer. I’ve put some lasagne in the oven, and I even bought some of that yucky rocket to make a little salad. I might even have some too.’

  ‘Thanks, babe. Just give me half an hour or so.’

  When Tony left, Anna tried to remember what the midwives had told her about getting the baby to latch onto her to feed. Jack was crying. His little face was red, and his fists were clenched on the end of his rigid arms. ‘Shhh, little one, I’m trying …’

  She couldn’t seem to get it right. She held Jack’s weight in her left hand and forearm, trying to remember where to put her fingers, and with her right hand she moulded her breast into what she thought was the correct shape. She could see a blister on her nipple: it was going to hurt. She tensed her shoulders, then, when he opened his mouth to scream, she pushed Jack onto her breast. He started sucking straightaway. She squeezed her eyes shut as a burning pain shot through her. ‘No, no, no …’ She poked her finger into the side of Jack’s mouth to break the suction and tried again, then again. ‘What am I doing wrong?’ she said aloud, her eyes smarting with tears. He was hungry, getting more and more worked up. Anna forced herself to relax and swapped him to her other breast. She gritted her teeth against the pain and tried to breathe deeply, telling herself that it would pass. The nurse had told her that it would be uncomfortable for a while. It was getting better now. She lay back on the pillow and closed her eyes.

  * * *

  The afternoon passed quickly. Jim and Ursula came over with a bottle of champagne, a chicken casserole and some gifts from the family, but left after a glass of bubbly. Anna was glad when they went home; she just wanted to be alone with Tony and Jack. By 8:30 p.m., she couldn’t stop yawning.

  ‘I might go to bed soon,’ she said, thinking of her soft pillow and warm blankets.

  ‘I’ll hold him while you get ready,’ said Tony. ‘Go and get into bed. I’ll be there in a minute.’

  ‘It’s OK, he’ll need a feed soon anyway. I’ll take him through with me and try and get him settled. You can sleep in the spare room.’

  ‘No, I’ll stay in with you, babe.’

  ‘Don’t be silly – I’ll probably be up all night.’ She couldn’t help but feel excited. This was what she’d waited so long for: these long hours in the dim light, cuddling her newborn baby. She wanted to be part of that mothers’ club, to compla
in about how little sleep she’d had; she looked forward to it. ‘You have to work tomorrow, so get some sleep. There’s not much you can do anyway during the night; he’ll just need to be fed.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Tony looked relieved. It made Anna smile. Other wives would make their husbands stay up with them, but she wanted to show Tony that she could cope on her own. He had to work; she would care for Jack. ‘Well, only if you promise to come and get me if you need any help. Anything at all.’

  ‘I promise.’

  Tony carried the bassinette through to the bedroom. She hadn’t noticed earlier that he’d put fresh linen on the bed. She smiled at the mismatched pillowcases and opened her mouth to mention it, but saw his serious face and closed it again. She loved that he had tried. He picked up the small table from the corner of the room and moved it next to the bed then lifted the bassinette onto it. He left and came back with a big glass of water that he put on the bedside table. After arranging the pillows around Anna, he handed Jack to her and kissed them both goodnight.

  ‘I’ll leave the door open so I can hear you, OK?’

  ‘OK. Goodnight.’

  ‘Promise you’ll shout if you need me?’

  ‘Yes! But I’ll be fine!’

  Anna prepared herself for the pain of Jack latching on again, then once he was feeding, turned out the bedside lamp. She nestled back into the pillows and let her eyes adjust to the dark, gazing at the little person in her arms. Jack looked just like Tony. Maybe his nose was a little like hers, but already she could see that his eyes were the same as his father’s, the eyes that were now closed in concentration as his jaw pumped up and down to extract every last drop of milk from her. It burned. It would get better though, Anna was sure. She leaned down and smelled Jack’s skin, all soapy and milky. That was the baby smell they talked about, the smell that mothers loved.

  At that moment, she never wanted to let him go.