Puppet

by Hamiltion Swift

  “I could never think badly of you,” he said.

  Carin latched on to his legs and held him for a long time. She smiled up and Justin gave her a moment before breaking their embrace. He had a sudden need to get away.

  Walking to the door, he asked her to be ready by the time he got back. He turned toward her one last time and gave a tight smile before leaving the room. While on his run, he’d replay in his mind everything they’d just said to each other, hoping to realize he believed it all.

  * * * * *

  Justin had been gone from the room for ten minutes when Carin heard three quick knocks on the door. Jumping from the bed, she thought he’d forgotten his music.

  “Remember me?” David chirped as she opened the door.

  He peered into the room and Carin attempted to hide behind the door.

  “My husband’s not here,” she said.

  “We just saw each other downstairs. I forgot my watch.”

  David squeezed in past her and went toward the bed. He picked up his watch from the nightstand, tucked his chin to his chest, and buckled the band around his wrist.

  “You saw him?” she said, following him into the room.

  “Yes, he went for a run.”

  “Oh?”

  “I thought you two weren’t married?”

  “Not officially. Not yet, anyway. In my mind, we’re married.”

  David looked at her in her nightie.

  “That was an amazing night,” he said.

  “He knows you’re here then?” she replied, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “He went off for his run, giving us time. There’s no reason to be shy.”

  He came to her and pulled her close, pressing his body against hers. She dropped her arms to her sides.

  “You’re so adorable,” he whispered, kissing her ear and pushing his hardening cock against her hip. “When he ran out of the parking lot, I immediately salivated.”

  She looked up and smiled meekly. It was a compliment she couldn’t help but like. He kissed her forehead and then her cheek.

  “Oh David,” she sighed, burying her head into the crook between his arm and body. “He knows you’re here, right? He wants this?”

  “I’ll be quick.”

  He dipped his head and kissed her neck while pushing in against her.

  “David?” she moaned.

  He kissed her ear.

  “David…”

  He put his hands on her shoulders and she dipped her head.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked.

  “Did he send you to me?” she whispered. “I need to know.”

  “No.”

  “He has no idea you’re here?”

  “No. I was in the atrium and saw him running across the parking lot. I waved and he waved back, but I don’t think he recognized me. We were far away.”

  Carin pulled away. “You have to go.”

  “Why? We had a lot of fun last night, you and me. We can be quick.”

  “It wasn’t about you and me.”

  He looked at her and smiled oddly. “You’re just so adorable, you know that, Puppet?”

  He put his hand on her shoulder and she stepped back.

  “Please don’t call me that,” she said, covering herself.

  David looked around the room then back at Carin.

  “We’re consenting adults, aren’t we?” he said, squeezing her shoulder.

  “Yes, but I’m not your puppet, David.”

  They smiled sadly at each other. Something in David’s expression told Carin he was beginning to make sense of it. Carin felt sorry for him. He was a sweet, lonely man and had been so appreciative the night before. She was fortunate that it was he with whom she’d been shared. He dropped his hand from her shoulder. Feeling safe, she lowered her arms from her chest, giving him a peek of her body in the frilly nightie almost as a consolation prize. One of her spaghetti straps fell from her shoulder and she let it hang as David eyed her.

  She knew her darkened areolas showed through the thin gauze of her nightie. She knew the shortness of the nightie accentuated her long legs. Was he remembering the scent of her perfume the night before, or how compliant her mouth had been on him? She had shown enthusiasm for everything they had done. She could appreciate how he might now be confused. A woman giving freely one day and then feeling the need to withhold the next was frustrating for all. She watched as David adjusted the timepiece on his wrist. His hands then dropped to his sides and tightened into fists.

  “You really are a sexy girl,” he said.

  “Thank you—”

  “No…I should thank you.”

  He took a step toward her. She stepped back and edged up against the wall. She covered her chest again.

  He raised a hand and she closed her eyes, ready to accept her fate.

  “He’s a very fortunate man,” David whispered, lifting the spaghetti strap and hooking it over her shoulder.

  “Thank you,” she squeaked.

  He turned and headed for the door. When he got to it he turned back.

  “My wife and I leave the island this afternoon,” he said. “Don’t worry, you’ll never see me again.”

  Carin felt fully safe only when she heard the door self-lock behind him. She went to it, bolted the top lock and then moved to the closet. Finding an outfit she knew Justin would like, she laid it on the bed and went into the bathroom. She found herself in front of the mirror, tousling her bangs and pouting her lips. She stepped back and pulled the spaghetti string off her shoulder. She studied her look in the glass for a long while as she ran her bath.

  Chapter Nineteen

  When Justin returned from his run, Carin told him about David’s impromptu visit. He didn’t have to question her too thoroughly; she was forthright and went into great detail on her own. Justin had been able to clear his head while on his run and didn’t doubt her. He was thankful for her frankness and for her deft handling of the situation. He understood that everything Carin did was for him and she wouldn’t want to be with David alone, at least not without his urging her to do so.

  Beyond those acknowledgements though, he didn’t want to overanalyze the threesome the night before. It was something they’d decided to try and that was that. The stars had aligned, the perfect scenario had presented itself and they’d taken advantage of it.

  Justin had repeated that same line in his mind like a mantra while on his run and then afterward, after Carin told him about David returning to their room that morning. But as the days went by, he couldn’t keep the episode, or David’s surprise visit, from churning in his head. Even before they left St. John, slight pangs of jealousy began to creep in. Upon returning home to Connecticut, he asked Carin again for the facts of David’s visit. The details she gave were as detailed and identical as before but by this time, Justin’s emotions had become jumbled. He was frustrated that Carin was so damned puppety all the time—ironic, considering he’d nurtured the behavior from the beginning. At the very least, he feared she was too weak.

  He remembered an incident that had happened soon after they’d met. They had made arrangements to meet at a museum and had arrived in separate cars. Justin was sitting on a bench outside the museum when Carin pulled up in her Camry. She poked her head out of the window and asked where to park. Justin told her to park anywhere, acknowledging several nearby spots in the lot.

  “There?” she said, pointing to one with her nose.

  “Sure. Or there,” he replied, nodding to another.

  “Which one do you think?” she asked.

  Justin was surprised she’d ask for advice on making such a simple decision. He refused to offer more of an opinion. After much deliberation, she’d decided on the first spot he had suggested. When he questioned her about it later, she laughed it off, saying her inability to make decisions was her late father’s fault. He had taught her to drive, as he’d taught her lots of things, but he never let her feel she’d done a good enough job at any of them and never
let her do much of anything without his assistance.

  Justin wasn’t sure why he started the big fight over dinner one night. They’d had lobster at home, on the back deck. It was a beautiful, starry night. Everything seemed back to normal, including Carin dropping one of her lobster claws under the table for Lord Byron to play with.

  They hadn’t discussed St. John. Carin never once said a word about it other than when Justin had asked her to repeat the facts of David’s impromptu visit. She was as loving and focused on him as ever. Maybe even more so, if that was possible. And then, over dinner, Justin started questioning her and making accusations. He jumped headfirst into it, saying he always knew the threesome fantasy was as much her thing as his. He suggested she got off on it at least as much as he did and probably more. It was plain to see, he said, and then yelled, “You came like ten times that night!”

  Carin looked at him dumbfounded from across the table. She said calmly, “I can’t believe you’re saying this. I did only what you wanted me to and you know it.”

  “I never told you to roll up your skirt at the sports bar, Carin. I said take off your bra! I never said anything about the skirt. I didn’t tell you to have a blowjob conversation with the guy at the bar either. He asked you to go to his car and do you remember what you said? You said, ‘I can’t.’ You know the difference between I won’t and I can’t, right?”

  The distressing difference between those two words had been trapped in his head for months. It felt good letting it out.

  Carin remained calm. She put down her lobster pliers and said, “I don’t know what my words were back then. I know I didn’t want to do anything with him. That’s just wrong and hurtful for you to suggest otherwise.”

  Justin sat looking at her, saying nothing.

  “You were the reason I was there in the first place,” she continued. “I never would’ve talked with those guys if you weren’t there. Never ever. Let alone be dressed that way.”

  Justin still said nothing.

  “You asked me to do it. Remember? Rolling the skirt was for you. To get you excited. I’ve never worn clothes like that before I met you. You bought me all those clothes, Justin.”

  She looked at him with sad eyes, bluer than blue, no doubt hoping he’d apologize.

  Instead he said, “Do you realize you pulled down your top in front of David on the beach? You exposed yourself the same way you did for the trucker that day. I never told you to pull down your top. You did that on your own, Puppet. Twice. Both times!”

  “Are you serious!” Carin yelled, now getting angry.

  “And in Newport, you were the one who started all that racy talk in the Jacuzzi, about me sending you to the trucker and all that. And then saying, ‘Oh baby, it’s only because of you I came so quickly.’ It wasn’t me who made you come so quickly, was it? It was the thought of the trucker fucking you!”

  “Oh my gosh, please don’t do this!” she countered. “You started this whole thing! You told me to undress in the sports bar. You put me in view of the trucker. You hinted on the plane you wanted something on vacation. I’ve only done what you wanted!”

  She was crying now. Byron jumped on her lap and she shooed him away.

  “Yeah, well you get awfully damn wet doing what I want,” he replied.

  She got up from the table and came to him, attempting to sit on his lap. But Justin was having none of it. He’d been percolating for too long.

  “Just like it’s my voice that turns you on and not the things I’m saying, right, Puppet? That was such a crock of shit when you said that. And very convenient too, isn’t it? You can always fall back on, ‘Oh, I’m just your loving puppet, doing what you want.’ That’s your out! You can say you do it all for me and then get your brains fucked out!”

  Carin stood in silence by his side. When she didn’t fight back, Justin continued.

  “We both knew we might do something in the Caribbean. And guess what? It was you who planned that trip! And now I’m to believe that after having orgasm after orgasm with David that night—after sucking him while I was in the god damn bathroom—you want me to believe you didn’t drop straight to your knees for him the next morning? We both know how much you love sucking now, baby!”

  With that, Carin burst into a fresh batch of tears and ran into the house and up the curving staircase to their bedroom. Every painting in the house reverberated when she slammed the door.

  She stayed up there for twenty-eight hours straight, which gave Justin more than enough time to realize how wrong and unfair he’d been…and to know for sure Carin was the girl for him. Her initial indignation had been enough to tell him, though he shouldn’t have needed indignation to realize how truthful and faithful and in love she was.

  While Carin was locked in the bedroom, he periodically knocked on the door, but she was giving him the silent treatment. He made her two meals while she stewed, leaving them on trays by the bedroom door, but she was on a hunger strike too. Upon retrieving the second tray, Justin noticed a peach had been taken from it but nothing else.

  He went downstairs to the kitchen with the tray. Clearing it, he noticed a small envelope tucked under a plate of cheese and crackers. He sat at the breakfast nook and opened the envelope.

  Justin,

  i like one on one, with you. i know you loved what we did and i loved pleasing you. i can do that. i have it in me to play with you. i never knew it before but i guess i do. i loved seeing you excited. i liked acting out your fantasy for you and being who you wanted me to be. You have it all wrong in your head with what you said about me. i thought you knew me by now. That’s why i felt comfortable doing what i did for you, because I thought you knew me. You put me in a situation and the love I have for you let me act with grace instead of with pride. i wish you understood that about me.

  For me, i love candles, fires, romance, love, wearing lingerie for you, beauty, surprises, pretty things, sensitivity, laughter, silliness, you…the one who makes me laugh and think…waterfalls, sunsets, balmy weather, heat, steamy passion (i’ve had it only with you, Justin) the really good wine you buy, being guided by you, being taught about art from you, having my eyes opened by you, reading a racy magazine and waiting for you to come home to me, spirituality, flowers, Broadway shows, sparkly jewelry, our really comfy bed…and pleasing you, the man i love, even if it’s by making your fantasy a reality when it’s not mine.

  i was treated badly in my marriage. For whatever reason, i did not stand up to him. i didn’t care enough to fight back maybe. You know i love you with all my heart but not enough to accept blame for things you orchestrated and wanted to happen. i’d hate to think you could purposely disrespect me like that.

  i’m sorry we fought. It kills me that we did.

  Puppet

  Chapter Twenty

  It took several weeks for Justin to fully repair the damage of his tirade. Carin had emerged from the bedroom saying she forgave him, but the heat of the argument left an icy formality between them. While before she’d been open and uninhibited with Justin, she now had her guard up. Justin felt sick about the new uneasiness he saw and was more than willing to shoulder the blame for it. Carin had always been so innocent; when she found the one guy she felt comfortable putting complete trust in and did as he had asked, he turned on her, blaming her for everything that he had wanted to happen. Any jealousy Justin felt was now replaced with remorse.

  Attempting to mend fences, he bought her roses every day for a week, making sure none were red, which was a good start. He wrote silly haikus and left them in her car and in her pocketbook. He made a music compilation of all the horrendously sappy Kenny Loggins, ABBA and Hall and Oates songs he could never talk Carin out of liking, and downloaded it onto her iPhoneso she could listen while walking the beach. At every opportunity, he blamed his craziness on being in love, saying he’d been temporarily insane with jealousy, which very well could have been the case.

  Eventually the frost began to melt. When it did, Carin made
it clear she wanted none of that stuff anymore…which was exactly what Justin wanted to hear at that time.

  It was hard for Justin to understand why he’d found Carin’s fucking and sucking a stranger exciting. Part of it, he was sure, was his need for control. From their earliest days, he’d gotten excitement from telling Carin to do certain things and seeing how desirous she’d get when doing them. She was forever asking what he wanted her to wear, how he wanted her to shave, did he need her mouth back on him. Her subservience made him feel like Superman. But also, after he’d fallen in love with her and pushed her toward fantasy and beyond, he began to wonder if he’d done so as a defense mechanism, as a twisted form of protection from falling too hard. Maybe he was so commitment phobic that he subconsciously orchestrated a way to put the relationship in peril.

  The last experience Justin had with love was many years earlier, when as an undergraduate at the University of Pennsylvania he’d dated a girl for two years. He had given her everything emotionally. By every indication, they were headed for marriage after graduation. And then she’d cheated on him. He was willing to work through it but an attempted reconciliation proved too difficult. She broke it off weeks later.

  The wound from that relationship was deep and the scar burned for years. After the breakup, Justin learned to keep a little of himself in his own back pocket when dating, as a way of self-preservation. Subconsciously, and maybe even consciously, he vowed never to give himself so completely again. He became content building his company and bedding bimbos. And then he met Carin and for a second time he emptied his back pocket. When he did, he realized he was vulnerable. So he gave her an opportunity to step out without giving her an opportunity to cheat. According to his twisted logic, as long as he controlled the situation, maybe the pain wouldn’t be as great.

  This was only armchair analysis of course, and beyond peripheral meditations toward self-awareness, Justin had little inclination to examine it further.