Sometime Soon

by Doxer, Debra

  When the doorbell rings sometime later, I startle awake. Beside me, Wes is rubbing his eyes, indicating that he has just woken up as well. The clock on the wall reads after one in the morning.

  “I think we just slept together,” Wes comments with a lopsided grin.

  Shaking my head at him, I stand and try to smooth my hair and wrinkled shirt. The mirror I pass on the way to the door illustrates that it was a wasted effort. I have dark circles under my eyes, and despite my lame attempt at fixing it, my hair is a tousled mess.

  Wes traipses behind me, peering over my shoulder as I open the door. There he is, looking nearly as tired and rumpled as I do. Only somehow, it looks good on him. He has on faded jeans that ride low on his hips and a blue long sleeve T-shirt. His dark hair is waving in all directions. When his eyes meet mine, I feel as though I’ve been punched in the stomach.

  “Hi,” he says wearily, running a hand through his messy hair.

  “Hi.” I smile and then step back to reveal Wes.

  “You okay?” Ryan asks him, stepping through the doorway.

  Wes nods. “Andrea tried to kill me with waffles, and then we slept together.”

  Not surprisingly, Ryan seems confused and slightly dismayed.

  I glare at Wes. “That’s what I get for feeding you dinner, and then giving you control of the remote.”

  Wes is wearing a huge smile, seeming completely unconcerned about the worry he has caused his family tonight.

  “Get your stuff,” Ryan tells his brother, in no mood for humor. Then he turns to me. “Thanks again. I’m really sorry about this.”

  “Please don’t apologize. I’m just glad that he found me and that he’s okay.”

  Once we’re alone, I’m very aware of Ryan’s nearness as we stand together in the entryway waiting for Wes. Now is my chance to say something, to apologize for suspecting him of lying. “Your dad must have been relieved to hear from you,” I offer instead.

  Ryan’s eyes are dark and weary when looks down at me. “He was. Then he was mad as hell.”

  “Well, Wes is a really good kid. I hope everything gets sorted out.”

  “Me, too.”

  “How’s business?” I ask, still working up to my apology.

  “Busy.”

  “That’s good, right?” I ask hopefully.

  “Right.” He smiles, but it seems forced.

  I’m beginning to wonder what’s taking Wes so long. Then he appears in the hallway. “Can I use your bathroom?” he asks.

  “Of course.”

  He shoots me a meaningful look before disappearing.

  It’s obvious that Ryan is no way interested in me or in anything I have to say, but I can still apologize to him, and it’s now or never. “Um Ryan,” I begin, fumbling for the words, my stomach doing flip-flops. Why is this so hard? Because he’s being completely monosyllabic and standoffish. I take a deep breath.

  “I know this is awkward,” he says. “We’ll be out of your hair soon.”

  The rest of my sentence gets stuck in my throat. He can’t wait to leave. Does he really despise me? What did I do that was so terrible? It wasn’t unreasonable for me to question him after he contradicted himself. Where does he get off still being angry at me? I take another breath. I’m not going to say anything that I’ll regret later. In fact, I decide that I’m going to be the bigger person and continue with my apology. I’ve had too good a day today to let it end on a bad note.

  “Ryan,” I begin again, and watch as he seems to reluctantly turn to me again. I clear my throat. “I want you to know that I’m sorry for implying that you were lying to me about your business trip.”

  He just stares at me.

  Nervously, I continue. “I should have given you the benefit of the doubt rather than sounding like I was accusing you. I can’t really explain why I was so suspicious. Maybe I watch too much Lifetime Television, or maybe I’ve just seen too many of my friends being deceived by their boyfriends. I mean my friend, Katie, the one who called that night, she told her fiancé she was pregnant, and then he left her. Can you believe that?”

  But I don’t give him time to respond as I hurry on, not quite making eye contact with him. “Meanwhile, he’d been lying to her about wanting to get married, and he was calling this friend of ours behind her back. It was just awful, and that’s what was going on when you told me you had been in New York and later said it was Chicago. So, I guess I was just in this suspicious mindset, and I’m sorry. I wanted you to know that.” I take a shaky breath and dare to meet his eyes. I’m surprised to see that his look has softened. It almost appears tender. I blink up at him, and I don’t know what to think.

  Finally, a smallest of smiles tugs at his lips. “You don’t have to be sorry, Andrea.” This time he’s the one who takes a breath before continuing. “I completely overreacted when you asked about my trip. And then I turned around and accused you of lying about your phone call. I’m the one who’s sorry, and I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me. In fact, I kind of figured that you did.”

  I shake my head. “I never hated you.”

  His smile forms more fully as he takes a step forward, bringing him closer to me. “I’m really glad.” Then he reaches out his hand to mine and grasps it.

  “Finally,” Wes interrupts.

  Ryan’s hand fully engulfs mine when he turns toward his brother. “Were you eavesdropping?”

  “Hardly. You’re not that interesting.” Wes deadpans as he tries to stifle a huge yawn.

  “All right.” Ryan slowly releases my hand and takes the duffle bag that Wes is struggling with. He shoulders it effortlessly. “Let’s go.”

  “Thanks for the waffles,” Wes calls as he breezes past me, giving me a thumbs up before heading down the walkway.

  “So your friend’s fiancé really broke up with her after he found out she was pregnant?” Ryan pauses and asks before heading down the walkway. His scowl makes his opinion obvious.

  I nod.

  He shakes his head. Then he drops the duffle bag and takes two long strides back to me. This time he takes both my hands in his and captures my eyes with his own. “I want to see you again. Is that okay?”

  “Yes,” I answer, my voice sounding breathless as tingles ride up my arm. I know he feels it too when he squeezes my hands, and his already intense eyes seem to caress me.

  When Wes pointedly clears his throat, Ryan flashes a dazzling smile at me before turning and walking away.

  twenty-six

  And just like that, hope returns. I know I don’t seem like an optimist. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I’ve given up hope, that tiny spark still burns, just waiting for

  a fan to flame it.

  I hardly sleep all night--replaying my encounter with Ryan--realizing that we’d both been willing to let what we feel slip away over a misunderstanding. Relationships are a delicate endeavor, so incredibly fragile, with all parties trying to protect themselves. I know that I approach every date in a half-hearted way, expecting to be disappointed and to get hurt eventually. I have to admit that I might be partially responsible for the less than successful outcomes of some of my dates and relationships. I might push a button or two, or bring something to a head with the intention of testing it or even sabotaging it, only because I think it will happen sooner or later anyway and sooner just seems better. But with Ryan, I’m determined not to do that. Besides, Ryan is different. Even if I end up disappointed in the end again, I believe that this time, it’s worth the risk.

  The offer from Cronus arrives via FedEx on Thursday evening. I sign all the paperwork and send it right back. It’s official now, with a starting date and everything. I resign from BTS the next morning. Rob doesn’t seem surprised. I’m nervous tendering my resignation to him, especially after he’s just given me a promotion, well a possible promotion for a short trial period. I’m somewhat hesitant to tell him where I’m going. I don’t want to get Karthik in trouble for poaching. But to my surprise, he doesn’t even
ask. He seems preoccupied and eager to end the conversation. Although he’s been friendly enough, I feel summarily dismissed.

  Telling Nate is harder. I’m glad the offer has come so quickly, otherwise I would have missed Nate when he departed on his three week escape-the-crying-baby tour.

  “You resigned?” he repeats, gaping at me.

  I nod.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Cronus.”

  “Where Karthik and Steve went?”

  I nod again. Nate is making no effort to keep his voice low, and although I don’t have a view of the nearby cubicles, I hear keyboard clicking end abruptly, and I picture everyone lifting their heads to listen.

  “I can’t believe you’re leaving,” Nate mutters.

  “Maybe now they’ll make you project lead.”

  His expression seems to brighten as this possibility sinks in. “You’ll keep in touch, right?”

  “Absolutely,” I smile. I would miss Nate. He is the first cube neighbor I’ve had that didn’t drive me crazy with weird habits. I’ve had many annoying cube neighbors. There was the guy who had to print out every email he received, getting up and walking back and forth to the printer all day long. There was the loud phone talker. That’s pretty self-explanatory. I spent several months across from BO guy, again, self-explanatory. Then there was the fruit fly man. This engineer had left so many open cans of juice and soda on his desk that he’d attracted fruit flies. Since this particular person was also known as scary tattoo guy, no one ever complained. So, I would really miss Nate and his T-shirt wisdom.

  I always hate those two weeks of time you’re obligated to provide after you’ve resigned. They’re a waste of time, and they only serve to torture you with the emotional farewells of your coworkers, most of whom will forget you within minutes of your walking out the door.

  I do email Bryn finally, to give her the good news. We meet for coffee, and I inform her that I will still be available for impromptu coffee breaks since I’m only moving a block away. Much to my relief, the subject of Katie does not come up. We seem to have a silent understanding that Katie is out-of-bounds material. Bryn and Katie will likely not repair their relationship, which makes me feel badly, and I decide to try to broker a peace once Katie lands back on her feet, which might take some time.

  Katie is slowly coming to terms with her situation. She has developed a new mindset that does not include Mike in any way, not emotionally or financially. For now, her anger seems to be motivating her. But it’s better than crying all day and not wanting to leave the house. Her parents want her to move in with them, but she’s holding firm against that suggestion. She’s planning to move further out of town to a cheaper and larger apartment, and she’s currently pricing daycare solutions. It will be tight, but if she finds a less expensive place to live, she believes that she is going to be okay financially. The details of what Mike will contribute have yet to be resolved.

  True to his word, Ryan does call me the very next day. He calls from the car as he’s leaving Connecticut, after bringing Wes home. He is emotionally exhausted as he relates the story to me. He tells me that he offered to take Wes off his father’s and stepmother’s hands, suggesting that Wes live with him and enroll in school here. Wes jumped at the idea. His parents were stunned and not in favor of it. It really isn’t practical since Ryan travels so much right now, but that wasn’t the point. The point was to make them see how desperately unhappy Wes is. After several hours in which everyone had their turn at tears, there was something of a breakthrough. Wes agreed to give them another chance and to go to therapy for his shoplifting habit if they would go to family therapy with him. They agreed. So for now, they have a tenuous truce and lots of therapy appointments.

  Ryan has to go back to New York once Wes is settled at home, and he doesn’t return until next week, but we speak on the phone every night. He calls each evening from his hotel room to say good night to me. Sometimes, it’s a very long goodnight.

  I’m a bundle of nerves for our date once Ryan is back in town. It’s a cool and breezy Saturday night, and I have to dig my fall coat out of the back of my closet. I’m wearing a black skirt with black tights and wedge heeled ankle boots. I’ve blown my hair out straight and located my favorite cream scarf to go over my coat. We’re going to the waterfront for dinner, and even though we haven’t seen very much of each other, I already feel as though we’re close somehow.

  Ryan arrives on time, and my stomach feels like it’s home to a group of circus acrobats when I open the door and see him standing there. His khakis hug his narrow hips and a black sweater that matches the color of his hair stretches across his broad shoulders. I’m standing there frozen, hoping my stomach will calm down soon, when without hesitation Ryan comes through the doorway and doesn’t stop until he is directly in front of me, nearly touching me. Slowly, with his golden brown eyes intent on mine, he leans down and places a feather light kiss on my lips. “Ready?” he asks as he leans back again

  “Yes.” I smile. My stomach has stopped its rioting, but that’s probably because the pounding of my heart has overtaken it.

  Once we’re in the car I slowly acclimate to Ryan’s presence, and I’m able to relax more. Ryan turns on the radio. It’s tuned to a smooth jazz station again. He asks me about my new job, and we both talk about work within the dark cocoon of the car as it speeds toward the city.

  Ryan leaves his keys with the valet and we go inside. The restaurant is located on a pier at the waterfront. A picture window at the far side of the restaurant glows with the sparkling city skyline. A wall of windows across from it has a view of the calm harbor sheened in moonlight. I’ve been here before with my parents, but it feels very different tonight.

  When we arrive at our table, I notice that Ryan waits until I’m seated before sitting himself down. I watch as he settles in, opens his menu and begins to read through it. As he looks down, his eyelashes form dark semicircles across his cheeks. Before he can catch me staring, I turn toward the window and peer out at the city beyond the glass. It’s alive with light and movement.

  Tonight I’m happy and scared at the same time. I’ve never felt what I feel for Ryan, and I’m afraid to trust it. I watch the way the lights that line the streets and buildings shimmer in the darkness and I wonder if I can actually do this.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  Ryan’s question pulls me back to him, and I notice that his eyes are reflecting the lights outside. They seem to twinkle at me as he watches me expectantly, waiting for my answer. At that moment, my answer is clear. “I’m thinking about you,” I tell him quietly. Then I smile at him hoping my eyes are projecting back the warmth and tenderness I can clearly see in his.

  I notice a subtle tinge of red coloring his cheeks as he reaches across the table and takes my hand. Our fingers are loosely linked as he glances back down at the menu.

  Debbi After dinner we walk along the pier holding hands and talking. The water laps softly below us as we stroll over the wooden planks. Ryan leads me to a bench and we sit down. He’s rubbing his thumb over the top of my hand, and his expression becomes serious.

  “I want to apologize again and explain my reaction that night,” he says.

  “You don’t have to apologize again.”

  He nods his head at me. “Yes, I do.” He pauses to run a hand through his hair. “When you implied that I was lying...”

  “And I’m still so sorry about that,” I interrupt.

  He holds his hand up. “Just hear me out.”

  I stop talking and nod encouragingly for him to continue.

  He gives me a small grin and takes my hand again. “When you thought I might be lying to you, I acted irrationally. I have a real problem with lying and lies in general. When my mom got sick, my parents didn’t tell me at first. And when they finally had to because she was so obviously ill, they lied to me about her condition and how serious it was.”

  Ryan is looking down at our hands now and I sque
eze his. When I do, his eyes find mine again. “When she died, it was a complete shock to me. They should have prepared me. I would have spent more time with her. I would have talked to her more. I would have said goodbye to her. I’ll never forgive either of them for not letting me do that.”

  “They were probably just doing what they thought was best,” I tell him.

  “Maybe, but it still wasn’t right to lie to me. Not about something so important.”

  I nod and I do agree with him. If I were in his place I would probably feel the same way.

  “But I want you to know that despite the way I acted, I really am pretty easy-going most of the time. That night.” He pauses, seeming to search for the right words. “That night, I was feeling a little off balance with you, I think.” He grins and glances down.

  A warm feeling flows through me because his expression leads me to believe that he liked the off balance feeling I caused.

  “Because the way I reacted was really an anomaly.”

  I chuckle at him. “An anomaly?”

  He nods.

  “Not all of it, I hope.”

  He raises his eyebrows in question.

  I give him a sly smile. “There were some parts earlier in the evening that I hope weren’t anomalies.”

  “Ah, I see. You mean when we did this?” His smile fades as his hand moves up my arm to my shoulder and around the back of my neck to pull me in for a kiss. There’s nothing slow or tentative about this kiss. Our tongues immediately tangle as Ryan moves his hand up to the back of my head so he can press my mouth harder against his. But it’s not enough. I want my whole body pressed against him. My hands grasp the front of his sweater and fist it into bunches.

  “Let’s get the car,” he whispers into my mouth.

  I nod, and before I realize it he has me up and moving back toward the restaurant valet stand. The ride home is far too slow despite how fast Ryan is driving. We’re barely through my front door when he pulls me to him and captures my mouth again. We never make it upstairs to the bedroom as our clothes are quickly discarded, and without breaking apart we stumble over to the couch in the living room.