"Still, I just... This is huge."
"And you can see why this isn’t information that we publicly advertise. We don't even share that knowledge with our apprentices, since there's no guarantee of who will make it to graduation."
"Why tell me?" I asked. We'd started walking again, but all I wanted to do was run up to the science fiction section and get my book far, far away from me.
"Well, first off, as I said the councilors all believe you have a bright future in the Archive. It's only a matter of months before you would've learned this as a natural progression of your studies with us after graduation. And also, perhaps this will encourage you to be a little more careful in the future."
I nodded so readily that I could almost feel my brain rattling around in my head. "I swear, this won't happen again."
"I know it won't. And really, no harm done. Just remember that there are things about the Archive that even we don't understand, so while there's no harm in taking some time and enjoying the books we have here, it is always best to tread carefully, and respectfully."
The two of us stopped at one of the smaller, spiral stairs near the center of the building. A wooden box labelled returns sat nearby, hopefully encouraging people to let the professionals re-shelve the books they’d been reading rather than attempt to put them away themselves.
"Now," Scholar Credence held out his hand, "let's get this book back where it belongs, shall we? As far as I understand it, you're still on vacation."
Feeling nauseous all over again, I handed the book over to Scholar Credence, all too aware that I still was not out of the woods. But the councilor barely looked at the book in his hands, turning it over mindlessly only once before he dropped the book back in the returns box.
And just like that, it was gone. Out of my reach and out of my control.
"I should return to my office now," Scholar Credence said after a silence that lasted a few heartbeats too long, giving me a strange look, which probably had to do with my still standing there in confused silence.
"Right. I guess I'll get home. And get some sleep."
I didn't even know what time it was anymore, only that it was far too early for me to be awake, and there was no chance I'd be sleeping at all that night.
At first, walking back through the stacks toward the rear door, I wasn't sure how much of what had happened that night I would share with Tommen when I got home, since I knew he'd be waiting for me.
The sense of shame that was coursing through me, knowing that I had almost murdered every single one of my old friends, enemies, acquaintances and one or two people I'd never even met, was almost overpowering. Adding that to everything Tommen and I had already been through that night, it was a lot to take.
But at least I had the good sense to have learned my lesson from the last time I tried to keep something from the man I loved. Moving forward, I would do better.
I would go home and tell Tommen everything. Absolutely everything.
There was always a chance he could turn around and share my secrets with the world, ruining me forever. But there was a chance of that happening anyway. There could only be so many close calls.
But I also had to learn to trust someone other than myself. And if that person was going to be Tommen, then maybe that was something I could learn to live with.
But as we finished our week off together, never once discussing my secret, I also hadn’t forgotten Tommen’s perspective on everything he’d learned; that he couldn’t see me pledging an order and becoming a full librarian, knowing I was lying to everyone.
And I had to believe he was wrong. I’d already made it so far, and was so close to crossing that finish line. Maybe years down the road I would consider coming clean, once I’d proved my worth.
But I had a long way to go before I proved anything to anyone, and one more year of my apprenticeship to get through before I could even think about trying to pencil in revolutionizing the way the Archive had been run for years.
That would be a problem for future Tari to deal with.
Chapter 16
Fourth year as an apprentice librarian was nothing like the previous three.
There were no more classes, no more forced workouts, and most importantly, no more wondering what it would actually be like to be a librarian of the Archive.
All that was required of fourth-year librarians, was that we get up every day and go to work just like we would after graduation. The difference was that instead of being tied to one particular order, fourth-year apprentices were able to flip between the Scholars, Archivists, Keepers and the Protectorate practically as often as we wanted to.
The idea was to get our hands dirty, actually doing real work that would benefit the Archive so we could see what it would be like, and where we were best suited.
The only commitment that we had to make on any given day was that we would spend that one particular shift working in the order we had chosen that morning.
Of course, the actual work we were expected to do was more like being an intern then a full associate since there was no point assigning apprentices to projects that would last more than a day if there was no guarantee we would be back. But for the entirety of the year, we would have the freedom to truly get involved in any area we liked, while only very occasionally being assigned to work the library floor.
For some, like Vince, who already thought they knew exactly which order they wanted to pledge, they could start out there from the first day of their fourth year and work every single day of their final year as an apprentice in the order of their choosing.
For others, the intention was to move around as much as possible and get a thorough knowledge of what the options will really work, before doing some soul-searching to make their final decision right before graduation.
And even though I was still certain that I wanted to become a Keeper, I was also still determined to make the most of my time as an apprentice.
So of course, I had a plan.
Because while it was fun to give myself the freedom to wake up every day and decide on a whim what I most felt like doing, I also didn't want to put myself at a disadvantage, losing out on the opportunity to get a head start as a Keeper.
Every Monday and Friday, I would report bright and early to the Keeper's offices, waiting for my assignment. For the remaining days of the week, I would either let myself choose on a whim, or if I was being particularly indecisive, base my decision on whichever order it had been the longest since I visited.
And yet, on quite a few of the days when I set out to study under the Protectorate, I would somehow, totally accidentally, turn up at the Keeper headquarters anyway, hoping to spend even more time among those who, like me, most appreciated the Archive. Who most eagerly sought to learn its ways.
The Archive itself had become more important to me than ever. My second substantial run-in with the Scholar’s councilor had woken me up to just how much about the Archive I still didn’t understand. I looked forward to uncovering the mysteries of the Archive even though I knew I could never discover all its secrets.
The Archive was becoming increasingly important to me with every passing day.
When I first signed up to become up librarian, I had this vague idea of what the Archive was and what it represented. The reality had turned out to be so much more.
I was still awed into silence every time I stood in the warehouses and watched new books arrive, one after the other, knowing that each one brought with it not only new people to populate the world around me but new ideas and new ways of thinking that would affect the After in unknowable ways.
It had even gotten to the point where my dreams were filled with the Archive—its mysteries, its power, its secrets. And all the ways that my own secrets could potentially hurt it.
So far, even in my darkest imaginings, I had yet to come up with a way where the things about myself I was hiding could affect the Archive that I loved, but I could never shake the feeling entirely.
And as fourth year flew by, it got to the point where I was trying to disprove my own doubts about my abilities wrong along with everybody else.
But before I could do that, I had to keep pushing through my apprenticeship, straight through to graduation day.
Before I had really gotten into the swing of our final year, midterms were already upon us and, too soon, we entered our final month of studies.
It was surreal.
It was a dream come true.
It could all be gone in an instant.
The alarm clock on our bedside table blared to life at the usual time, and as usual it didn't wake Tommen up nearly as fast as I would've liked. Because we decided to share one bedroom and make the second room in our apartment an office, our only option had been to shove the bed we now shared up against the wall. It left me sleeping almost right up against the wall, shoving Tommen with my feet as the alarm continued on, hoping he'd wake up soon enough to stop the repetitive noise from cutting into my sanity.
"I'm up," Tommen said after letting out a long groan of protest, reaching over to silence the offending clock. "How is it not Friday already?"
"Well, the fact that we've only survived Monday so far this week is probably part of the problem. But seeing as you only have four days left to figure out which order you’d like to work with for the rest of your life, I’d think you wouldn’t want to waste any more time in bed."
“You would think that,” Tommen grumbled.
Despite how difficult it was to get Tommen out of bed, once he was up, he was still fully awake far faster than I could manage. He was up and out of bed while I was still huddling under the blankets, hoping to somehow find an excuse to stay warm just a moment longer.
"What are your plans for today?" my live-in-boyfriend asked as he pulled on his clothing for the day. It had become a part of our routine that I was going to miss after that week, because while we usually discussed our plans for the upcoming week every Sunday, getting me up and talking was a crucial part of pulling me back into being a functional human being.
"Today’s going to be my last day as an Archivist," I answered. "Archivist Paulson is working on his study of multiple dimensions and put out a call for additional research assistants, so this will probably be a great way for me to say goodbye to the unending theorizing that comes with becoming an Archivist."
With one last mournful sigh, I threw the blankets back to the foot of the bed, revealing my own bare legs as they were assaulted by the frigid air in the bedroom. Tommen and I had lived together in James House for almost a full year now, but I still spent part of each day wishing for the familiar warmth of my old bedroom. Of course, I’d want to take Tommen with me back to that old apartment, but my old living situation certainly had its perks.
"And you’re still totally sure that you're not interested in becoming an Archivist full-time?" Tommen asked, switching gears from the usual morning interrogation to wake me up, to genuine curiosity. "It's always seemed like it would be such a good fit for you. And I swear, for all your intentions of splitting your time evenly between the other orders this year, you're ending up working with the Archivists more often than you think."
I didn't answer as I pulled a sweater over my head, reveling in the extra layer of protection from the air around me. He wasn't wrong. There was a big part of me that could imagine becoming an Archivist, travelling the After and reporting back with my findings. But if I dug deep enough, there was also a part of me that could see myself acting as a Scholar for the rest of my career, learning as much as I could about the world around me. And the idea of supporting what the librarians stood for as one of the Protectorate was something I could appreciate as well.
The reality was, I loved every part of being a librarian. And I loved every part of the After, and what our world represented.
This was exactly why I already knew that in two weeks’ time, after we got through exams, I wanted to be a Keeper, more than anything else in the world.
It was a big part of why fourth year had easily become my favorite part of being an apprentice. I had enjoyed the privilege of exploring so much of the Archive, but never had to question where my journey was leading me.
At least, I never would've needed to question that journey if I hadn't had to carve my own road toward becoming a librarian out of the solid brick wall that had been risen to keep people like me far, far away.
“No comment,” I said once I realized that as far as Tommen was concerned, I hadn’t answered him. The order I wanted to pledge wasn’t even a question anymore, which was something I was completely okay with.
Tommen, on the other hand, had started fourth year by alternating between the orders, a week at a time—something almost half our class had decided to do at first—to immerse himself in each possibility. Soon after, he had decided he was sure he wanted to be a Scholar and spent a month at that before having one terrible week that had him questioning everything. He had since gone back to rotating almost at random, waiting for inspiration to strike.
He was running out of time to find that inspiration, but I wasn’t worried. The Archive would show him where he needed to go when the time came.
“You’re sure?” Tommen asked again, as we slipped out of our bedroom and into the main living area of our apartment, which mirrored the space I’d once shared with Steph.
“I’m sure,” I promised. “You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Well, sometimes I can’t help myself.” Tommen handed me an empty bowl and a clean spoon before putting a box of cereal and our half-empty jug of milk out on the counter for us to share.
As I sat down in my usual seat—one of two leather-topped barstools I’d found at a garage sale the summer before—Tommen leaned over and planted the gentlest kiss on the top of my head before sitting down himself. “You’re so close... we’re so close,” he said, quickly correcting himself. “And you always seem so sure of yourself. I just want to make sure you’re considering all your options. To make sure this was all worth it.”
Tommen moved to pour his own bowl of cereal, leaving me staring at the side of his head in surprise. This was the first time Tommen had even alluded to my secret in months.
But I made the choice to let his comment go. Hoping he hadn’t meant as much by it as the doubt I’d read into it.
I’d gotten so far, and made it through multiple instances where everything I’d hidden could have been revealed. But thanks to both a stroke of luck and the man sitting beside me, I was days away from graduating... potentially even at the top of my class. There was no more room for doubt. Not for me.
Our final week as apprentices flew by, as did our exams—each one tailored to us individually. They had been incredibly simple compared to the tests we had endured through the previous four years, but had also been far more powerful, showing us each things about ourselves rather than truly testing what had been learned.
Steph’s final exam had involved a near endless testing of facts and figures, which she had only passed once she realized that she didn’t need to know everything about the Archive and the After to be an effective librarian.
She left the Archive that day knowing she wanted to become one of the Protectorate.
Gennie spent her last official day as an apprentice interviewing those who had come into the Archive looking for answers about the books they had come from. Then helping them find the titles that would answer questions about each person’s past.
She knew then as she had known before that she was meant to be an Archivist.
Jericho’s exam had lasted only an hour - he’d been interviewed by one librarian from each order, and had then been allowed to ask them questions in turn.
He’d decided he would go on to pledge to become a Scholar.
The process was just as illuminating for Tommen. He woke up the morning of our exams still riddled with doubts, wanting to do everything the Archive had to offer, but also feeling ill-equipped to take on any of the challenges that would come his w
ay.
He was assigned to write the very same test that Steph had, but took away something far different.
Getting answer after answer right and still feeling like he had more to learn was exactly the right trait that left me sure his decision to become a Scholar was the right one.
Vince never shared what had been involved in his last exam, but he assured anyone who would listen that he had done extremely well.
Vince decided to become a Keeper, a decision I wasn’t sure I understood for him, but one that I knew was extremely personal. If becoming a Keeper was what he truly wanted, then I knew he would serve the Archive well.
The afternoon following our exams, as we shared the stories of our day and prepared for our graduation ceremony that night. I had been surprised to hear about each of the trials the people I cared about had gone through.
All that had been asked of me after I met with Keeper Dorn, who gave me my final assignment, which was to take the day to wander the city and ponder the will of the Archive.
That was it.
All I had to do was take time to myself to try and understand what the Archive itself was trying to tell me. I didn’t even need to report back with what I learned.
It seemed too easy, like I’d had no test at all. But despite having to do far less than any of my friends had, I hadn’t come away with that same certainty that everyone else had.
I still knew as strongly as I had before that I wanted to become a Keeper, that pledging the order of those who most honored the Archive was what I’d been working for since my first day.
And still, I couldn’t begin to understand the will of the Archive. Steph pointed out that this was probably the entire point of my test—humility and a willingness to listen.
I was less convinced.
Steph didn’t know what it was I’d kept from her throughout the entire length of our friendship. She had no idea how much I’d been hiding.
But maybe the Archive did.
Apprentice (Into the After Book 1) Page 14