Chapter 17
Too soon, the five of us left Porter House together for the hall where our graduation ceremony was to be hosted, holding our very own sets of librarian robes to change into before the ceremony. I'd given my familial tickets to Tommen’s brother and his wife, avoiding going into any detail as to why whenever anyone brought up the subject.
In the last four years, I'd become something of an expert in changing the subject.
Our excited chatter from earlier had fallen to near silence as we each contemplated the importance of the evening ahead of us. My heart was pounding louder than ever, so much so that I was sure everyone around me must be able to hear it. But if they could, they either kept their mouths shut or were too preoccupied by their own hopes and fears to give mine much thought.
After the graduation ceremony, we would have a few hours to spend with our families–or me, with Tommen and his family. Then we were expected back at the Archive right at midnight to begin our final initiation where we would fully dedicate ourselves and our lives to the Archive by pledging ourselves to the order we had chosen.
I was hours away from becoming a Keeper. From becoming a librarian.
From getting everything I had ever wanted.
But I couldn't silence my thoughts, or my raging, traitorous heart.
We met up with most of our class in the staging area of the venue, no one speaking above much more than a whisper as we continued to share our examination stories, and to share our excitement at what was coming.
We shared in our final moments as one unit, one class, before graduating. All forty-two of us had made it to graduation, and that was no small achievement. But after that night, we knew that we would be leaving one another to join a greater whole. Many of us would be moved out of Sanctum to fill much-needed positions elsewhere in the Western Realms.
Some of us may never see each other again.
“Tari," Tommen’s voice was the first thing that broke through the fog I'd been existing in all day.
"Only fifteen minutes to go," I said automatically, before my gaze finally settled on his.
"I know," Tommen said, giving me an odd look. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I tried to figure out what it was about me that had prompted his question so I could rein it in. I couldn’t let anyone else see what was going through my head.
It was the first time I'd lied to Tommen all year, and I regretted it immediately. He had every right to know what it was I was thinking about since he had come this far with me, not once making me doubt his loyalty or his intentions.
He was owed nothing but honestly. And nothing but my best.
I opened my mouth to correct myself, but Tommen was already speaking. "Good, me too. But before we go out there, I wanted to ask you something."
My heart finally stopped it's thrumming as Tommen moved down to one knee in front of me.
Around us, everyone else went completely silent.
"Tari," he said again with the softest of smiles, "this last year with you has been incredible. You've challenged me, inspired me and pushed me to do more than I ever thought I could. No matter what comes next, I know I want to spend my life with you, working together, living together, loving together." Tommen took a shaky breath. "You make me so incredibly happy, Tari. And it would be my greatest honor if you would agree to be my wife."
It was only then that I noticed the golden ring with a single square diamond at its head that was sitting in a velvety box in Tommen’s hands. He held the ring up toward me and I gasped in delight.
When I thought that that night I would be getting everything I ever wanted, I hadn't even imagined...
"Yes," I answered, already grinning. "Of course I will."
Everything that came next happened in a whirlwind of congratulations and kisses, as our friends and classmates swarmed around us but I tried to stay close to Tommen, taking comfort in his presence.
But the distraction could only last so long and, since I'd just lied to the man I love, I had one more mistake to correct.
One more in what I'd come to see as an impossibly long list.
"Can I talk to you alone?" I asked, not waiting for a response before I pulled Tommen away.
"Oh that’s classy," I heard Vince’s voice ring out behind me before we were out of earshot, in the privacy of an empty hallway.
Tommen was still smiling at me, as sincere and as open as he ever was. So much better than me.
"I've made a horrible mistake," I said as soon as I was certain there was no one else around. His smile fell away immediately, and at once I leapt to correct myself. "Not about you. Never about you. Getting to know you, kissing you that night, trusting you, those were all the best decisions I ever made. Assuming what happens next doesn't change your mind, nothing in this world could stop me from becoming your wife."
And when I did marry him, I would have to put in a determined effort to stop saying the absolute wrong thing at any given moment.
"Okay... what is it then?"
"I've waited until the last possible second, but you were right. You’ve been right all along. I can't do this. What if I’ve been missing the will of the Archive this whole time? When you caught me reading my book, my run in with Scholar Credence, there could have been a hundred other signs that I missed, or chose not to see. Maybe there is merit to the rules that define who can become a librarian. I can't choose to ignore them just because they don't suit me. What kind of librarian would I be then?”
Maybe still not quite understanding what I was trying to say, Tommen shook his head. "You’re already a librarian. You have been for years. Tonight is just a formality, you've already proven that you were destined to be a librarian. I'm so certain that it's going to be your name they call tonight, announcing you at the top of our class. The one to watch for as you take on the world and become a librarian the likes of which no one has ever seen before."
I tried to smile in thanks for his words, but the expression wouldn’t come. "I love you so much for saying that. It really means the world." I reached out and took Tommen’s hand. "But none of what I've done really matters if I can't respect the Archive's wishes, the core rules that librarians abide by. I can't simply decide all by myself that generations of librarians had it wrong. Who am I? I'm nobody."
I heard Tommen sigh as I closed my eyes, trying to center myself. "You're everything. To me you're everything,” he said. “And the Archive would be so lucky to have you."
The corners of my mouth turned down a little against my will. Part of me had been hoping that Tommen would offer up a different argument, something that could change my mind.
It had been a last desperate prayer to the universe that had gone unanswered.
In the distance, I heard Keeper Dorsett call out the five-minute warning before the beginning of the ceremony.
"I should probably go and drop out officially before they announce my name and things get awkward."
I moved to pull away but Tommen squeezed my hand and pulled me in close. "You don't have to do this. I was never going to tell."
There was no stopping the tears that came then, and I didn’t even bother to try. "I know. You’re a much better man than I ever could have hoped for. A better man than I deserve."
"That’s not true. Don't even think it. Whatever happens next, this decision doesn't diminish who you are or what you're worth. And to me you will always be everything."
"Right back at you." I laid my forehead against Tommen’s shoulder, drawing strength from him for a moment before finally forcing myself to pull away.
"Now get out of here," I said. "Get up there on that stage and let your family cheer you on. You've done so well for yourself, and it's going to be you that makes the librarians proud. You're going to do big things, and I intend to be there right by your side every step of the way."
"What will you do now?"
"I wish I knew. In a way, part of me has known this was coming for a while now. But the other part only figured it o
ut a few minutes ago. Maybe I'll go to medical school, become a real doctor. I don't know exactly what I'll do yet, but I hope that in some small way I can still be an asset to the Archive."
I wished I believed the words I was saying with all my heart but there was so much of me that didn't even know what to believe anymore. At least the words seemed to reach their intended target, and Tommen’s expression relaxed at least a little.
"One last chance," Tommen whispered, starting to pull away from me. "You’re sure this is what you want?"
"No," I admitted, promising myself I would never lie to Tommen again. "But it's what I need to do."
He nodded, brown eyes shining, before leaning in to give me one last, long and lingering kiss. Years later, when I thought back to the night we got engaged, it would be that kiss I remembered the most.
It was that kiss that gave me the strength I needed to face the deception I'd been culminating for four years. And the strength I needed to confess my sins.
I briefly considered stopping the first librarian I found and telling them everything, but I knew that sooner or later, a councilor was going to have to get involved no matter what I did.
I followed Tommen back into the staging room, determined to stop whichever of the four leaders of the Western Archive I found first.
Or at least, that was the plan.
Keeper Dorset was already up on stage, and while the curtains hadn’t opened yet I wasn't quite brave enough to walk past every single one of my classmates and make my confession somewhere that could so easily be overheard.
I would sooner disappear from the building altogether, leaving an uncomfortable pause to fill the room when my name was called and I never appeared.
But that wasn't fair to anyone else, and especially not to my classmates who had worked so hard for four years to get to this day. They had all worked so hard and done so much, and all without having to lie about who they were.
I would be forever envious.
When I saw the back of Scholar Credence’s small form, I almost turned around, or more specifically, I almost chickened out. He stood alone by a water fountain, reading over some loose-leaf paper he held in his hands, maybe a speech he’d prepared for the evening, maybe something else entirely.
More than likely, I'd never know for sure.
We had other things to talk about.
Chapter 18
"Sir," I said, drawing the Scholar's attention. "I need to talk to you." My voice held no trace of the storm of emotions I was feeling, and at first I could see that Scholar Credence was more confused by my presence than concerned.
"You need to get back there, apprentice Maiz. They'll be starting soon. I’m about to be late myself."
"That's what I need to talk to you about. I won’t be going."
As soon as I said the words, a weight lifted from my shoulders. Sadness quickly replaced it–a combination of loss and longing–but it didn't seem quite so heavy as what had been there before. "Can we talk somewhere more private?"
Maybe it was my expression, or just the absurdity of my timing, but Scholar Credence didn't argue. Instead, he led me to an empty office near the back of the building and shut the door behind us once I'd followed him inside.
"If you're having doubts, know that this is completely natural. I'm not sure I've had anyone come to me for advice this close to graduation but you've been exceptional right from the beginning, so I'm not entirely surprised." The Scholar gave me a smile that I was sure was meant to be encouraging but only broke my heart further.
"I'm not having doubts. I want to become a librarian more than anything else in the world," I assured him. "But I can't."
"I'm not sure I understand. What is it you're doing here?"
For the briefest of moments I considered that maybe I would offer up some alternative excuse so I would never have to convey the full scope of what I'd done. But I couldn't lie anymore and live with myself.
If I wanted to stay in Sanctum with Tommen, I was going to have to deal with having the Archive in my life. I was going to have to see these people all the time and while I wasn’t sure how much I’d share with my friends, I owed the councilors a more complete explanation.
Confessing to them was the closest I could come to confessing to the Archive itself.
"I'm not qualified to become a librarian," I said, not quite sure which part of my story to jump into. I knew he had to get out on stage within minutes and that if I didn't get it all out now, I may never find the courage to go back to it later. "I wasn't born in the After. I came here years ago, a book character. I'm first-generation."
For an impossibly long time, Jonathan Credence didn't say anything at all. "I don't understand. You have been one of our best students. There has to be some kind of mistake." The thoughts Scholar Credence rambled through didn't seem all that connected, more like he was trying to come up with an explanation that would make sense in his mind. "Are you sure?"
I almost had to laugh at that. "I'm sure. It took a lot of work to cover my tracks enough so that my application to the Archive would even be considered."
"It shouldn't be possible..."
"I was very careful. And even then, I wasn't sure it would work. But I so badly wanted it to." My lip began to quiver as the full breadth of what I had just given up settled in my soul. Scholar Credence still didn't seem to have any real response. "These past four years have been the best of my life. I've loved every second of being a librarian, and for the longest time I convinced myself that my lies didn't matter. That I wouldn't have made it this far if it wasn’t meant to be. But here I am. And I couldn't go through with it."
It was then that I stopped talking, convinced that there was nothing else I could say that would make this either better or worse. But I would come to realize later that what I was actually hoping for was a reprieve. Or maybe for forgiveness.
"This shouldn’t be possible," Scholar Credence said again, looking even paler than usual. "First-generation characters don't have the fortitude or depth of character needed to work within the Archive. It's well established. It’s not meant to be offensive, only necessary."
"I can assure you, it's a little offensive. But I've been here a long time, and I think I did well, all things considered." I couldn't say it out loud, but there was still part of me that was hoping that maybe somehow honesty would turn this all around. That convincing one councilor was all I needed to do to change the rules that had always governed the Archive.
"You would've graduated at the top of your class."
I exhaled a short puff of breath, savoring the bittersweet announcement. I had been so close.
"Does all this not suggest that maybe these rules don't have merit after all? I did everything that was asked of me, and I did it well. I could have been a great librarian."
That was the last moment where hope lingered in my mind.
Scholar Credence shook his head definitively. "You could have been, if not for the circumstances of your creation. These rules have existed for as long as the Archive has. There's no getting around them. Perhaps this was as far as you were ever meant to get, and that somehow the Archive influenced your confession."
I opened my mouth to argue but the councilor had held up his hand. "I'm sorry it had to be this way, apprentice Maiz... Miss Maiz. But I certainly appreciate your honesty. I wish...”
I never heard the end of that sentence, as Scholar Credence remained lost in thought. All I could do was stand there and try to keep the tears at bay.
"I don't pretend to have a Keeper's insight into the ways and means of the Archive or the After. But I think it's safe to say I hold at least a little authority. And what my gut is telling me is that your honesty should be rewarded or at least, that your removal from our ranks will be punishment enough. You can’t become a full librarian tonight. Your journey with us has to end here. But, if you'd like, we can avoid sharing this knowledge publicly. We'll say you decided at the last minute that this wasn't your calling. It may be ha
rd to believe considering everything you’ve done, but you won't be the first. We can say you felt pulled towards..."
He looked over at me to fill in the blank. At least this next part was something I’d already considered. "I was a medic before, in my old life. I'll say I missed saving lives rather than sitting behind a desk and reading books all the time." It was the furthest thing from the truth, but I couldn't ignore the door that Scholar Credence had opened for me.
It was a kindness I had never expected, but one I was certainly willing to take.
Scholar Credence nodded once, still not quite seeming as though his mind was entirely there in the room with me.
"You can go out the back door. I'll take care of everything else. I'm not quite sure how we're going to handle this, and it is certainly going to be a shock to everyone who's known you. But I'll make it work. And what you decide to do next will be up to you."
Scholar Credence finally looked up, staring right at me. "I'm sure whatever you’re going to do, you're going to be quite extraordinary. I really am."
After that, there was nothing else left to say. For a few uncomfortable moments, I struggled out of the new robes that I'd once been so excited to finally wear.
Underneath, I wore a delicate pink dress that had been intended to give me a little boost of extra confidence for spending the evening with Tommen’s family when we all went out to dinner after graduation ceremony. In that moment, it seemed far too frilly and light for what I was going through, but there were no other options.
I folded my robes up and left them on a table situated against the wall, trying not to wonder who would ultimately get to wear them.
All I really needed to know was that it wouldn’t be me.
In the end I hadn’t quite been able to just slink away into the night like Scholar Credence had suggested. Instead, it was the auditorium I ended up sneaking into, standing behind all my former classmate’s friends and families through the entire ceremony.
Because that night had never just been about me, and in fact, it hadn’t ended up being about me at all. Forty-one new librarians were graduating and they had all worked insanely hard to get to where they were.
Apprentice (Into the After Book 1) Page 15