by Sophie King
‘Like you said you’d forgiven me?’ Roger laughed. ‘Don’t you see, Caroline? You’ve never forgiven me. That was the problem. But, if you want, I am prepared to go on with our marriage for the sake of the children. Are you?’
‘I don’t know.’ The enormity of what she had done hit her now. She stood up and made for the door. ‘I really don’t know,’ she repeated to herself, as she shut the door behind her, with Roger on the other side, and began to walk up the stairs to the sanctity of her bedroom.
She lay for a while on the bed, trying to imagine life with Roger over the next few years if she stayed.
Yes, it might be better for the children, providing she was able to mask her own emotions. But she’d been doing that for the past two years and it hadn’t worked. She buried her face in the pillow.
‘Be honest,’ she told herself. From the minute that Mark’s lips had met hers, she had known that she and Roger were over for ever.
‘Mum,’ said a small voice beside her.
Caroline opened her eyes. Georgie had crept in and was lying next to her. ‘You and Dad were rowing again, weren’t you?’
‘Sort of.’ She stroked her daughter’s hair. ‘But it’s normal, you know, like you fall out with your friends sometimes.’
‘Sure?’
Georgie’s eyes penetrated hers and Caroline flinched. ‘Sure.’
All that evening, including when they lay down on opposite sides of the bed, Roger behaved as though nothing had happened, as if to prove that he really wanted to carry on. The only clue was that he was even stiffer than usual.
When she woke up the following morning, he was already in the shower. It was such a terrible muddle and she still didn’t know what to do. She needed to tell Mark what had happened but his answerphone was on and the mobile off. Why? Surely he had had some opportunity to make a private phone call unless he had changed his mind about her. Cold doubt spread over her body from the centre of her ribs.
‘Morning,’ said the cheery receptionist at work. She had red tinsel in her hair. ‘How are you?’
My life is falling to bits around me, was what she wanted to say.
Zelda’s desk was empty and scarily tidy.
‘She’s gone.’ Diana was stunningly cool in beige silk. ‘I had a word with HR and released her from working out her notice. I don’t want anyone like that on my staff. She was lucky we didn’t take disciplinary action.’
‘How will she manage?’ Caroline thought of the baby on the way and Aurora at home.
‘I’m afraid that’s her problem. How was Annabel?’
‘Older and a bit shaken. She was still asleep when I left this morning. Thank you for everything.’
‘You’ve got to do whatever you can for your kids.’
She was right. Even if it meant putting yourself last.
By the time she got home she still hadn’t heard from Mark.
Caroline felt extremely foolish. Had she been so desperate for love that she had fallen for the first man who showed her affection, then dropped her when she returned it?
‘Mum!’
Annabel met her at the front door, decidedly cleaner than when Caroline had left. ‘Thank God you’re home.’
‘What’s happened?’
‘It’s Ben. No, don’t go into the sitting room. He’s in there, sulking. Come up to the study. There’s something I’ve got to show you. I found it when I came out of the shower.’
A condom in Ben’s room perhaps? If so, she’d found them there before and not said anything. Teenagers were trained to use condoms now in the same way they’d been trained to wash their hands after the loo.
But it wasn’t that.
Caroline stared at the screen.
From Beware to Mimi: This affair has got to stop.
‘I saw Ben writing it just now,’ said Annabel tersely. ‘It looks as though he’s blackmailing someone.’
Caroline’s heart pounded in her ears as Ben came up the stairs and stood quietly beside her.
‘It was you,’ she said. ‘You sent the messages. But how did you know? Why?’
‘I was trying to stop you, Mum.’ Ben actually had tears in his eyes. He never cried. He hadn’t even as a little boy. ‘I read your messages to him. I know I shouldn’t have but you were acting so weirdly and you were always checking your messages. When I found that – that sick stuff you were sending each other, I thought I could stop you before it went any further.’
‘You were blackmailing Mum?’ Annabel shook him by the shoulders. ‘Why?’
His nose was dripping now. ‘Because I wanted to scare her off so it would be all right between her and Dad.’
Something had changed in Annabel’s face. ‘You’ve been having an affair?’
Caroline’s heart lurched with shame and guilt.
‘Oh, darlings.’ She clasped her children to her even though they were both taller. What had she done to them? This was her worst nightmare come true. They’d never forgive her. Never.
‘It’s over,’ she babbled. ‘Well, it will be. I know it’s hard for you to understand but I was lonely and—’
‘Do you love him?’ Ben’s eyes were boring into her.
He deserved the truth but it was so hard. She hesitated.
‘Of course she does, Ben,’ butted in Annabel, angrily. ‘You know how Dad’s behaved. Doesn’t she deserve some happiness?’
She felt her shoulders lifting with the unexpected support. ‘It’s not what it looks like,’ she began.
Ben was staring at her with a hard, hurt look she had never seen before. ‘So are you and Dad going to split up? I need to know.’
‘Would you cope if we did?’
He didn’t answer.
‘Yes, we would, Ben,’ said Annabel firmly.
Caroline took a deep breath. ‘Then I think . . .’
She stopped at the sound of a key in the lock downstairs.
‘He’s home,’ said Annabel. Her voice sounded different. There was something adult in it that Caroline had never heard before. ‘I can’t believe it. I go away for a few months and everything changes.’
‘No,’ said Caroline quickly. ‘No, it hasn’t.’
She pulled her daughter to her but Ben turned away. ‘It will be all right,’ she said desperately.
Ben made a sort of choking sound, as though he was trying not to cry again. ‘Come off it, Mum. It’s fucking finished. Isn’t it?’
63
By the time he felt able to leave the children and Hilary to ring Caroline, his wife was out of danger. The razor cut had been deep but it hadn’t pierced an artery. Not that she’d necessarily intended to. A cry for help, the nurses said.
He could have cried himself. ‘I can’t leave her now,’ he said.
‘I can see that.’
‘Maybe later,’ he added. There was a leaden silence. ‘I love you, Caro.’
Her voice was hesitant. ‘We hardly know each other.’
‘Maybe not in terms of years but we have something very special. You know that, don’t you?’
Her voice was almost inaudibly soft. ‘Yes.’
‘And what are you doing about Ben? It’s almost unbelievable. He must have been desperate.’
She sighed. ‘He was, but I couldn’t tell him off because I felt so guilty about the pain I must have caused him. I’ve told Roger.’
‘About us?’
‘Yes.’
A sharp thrill pulsed through him. That meant he was as important to her as she was to him.
‘He wants us to try again.’
His heart sank again. ‘And will you?’
‘I’m thinking about it. For the children.’
‘But what about us?’
‘Is there an “us”?’
‘There could be, one day. If Hilary is ever able to cope on her own.’
‘Mark, I need to think about it.’
Of course she did.
‘Me too.’
He hadn’t realised it until the words were
out of his mouth.
His initial reaction on hearing her voice had been to run to her, make her his. But it was too soon. They both needed to adjust.
He might not love Hilary any more but she was still his responsibility, as were the kids. And Caroline wouldn’t feel right if she came straight from one relationship into another.
‘Do you want a break?’
He cleared his throat. ‘Maybe we should.’
‘OK.’
‘I’ll call you some time.’
‘Right.’ She put the phone down before he could say any more. But he’d done the right thing. Hadn’t he?
FROM ANTI-BULLYING ONLINE
Due to an unexpectedly high number of queries, we are no longer able to take any more individual problems. Please log on to our site for general advice. Tips include:
Siting the computer in a general family area so you can see what the children are doing
Warning the children never to give out personal details such as names and addresses
Avoiding chatrooms
Installing a good filtering service.
FROM GREAT PUBLICITY
PR CONSULTANT REQUIRED FOR BUSY COMPANY SPECIALISING IN BABY PRODUCTS. BASED IN LONDON.
64
ONLINE NEWS: BABY STILL MISSING. HOSPITAL DOCTOR CLAIMS THE KIDNAPPER MIGHT BE A FORMER PATIENT WHO LOST A BABY
‘I see, Steff. Thanks for letting me know.’ Susan put down the office phone. In one way, the call was a relief but in another it made her feel guilty. But what else could she have done? Steff had been right. They had had to contact Lisa’s GP – she’d grudgingly given them his name – and Lisa was in a psychiatric ward. The poor kid was still convinced she was pregnant.
Steff had added that, according to the GP, Lisa was settled and ‘comfortable’, whatever that meant. She wasn’t ready for visitors but maybe next week.
‘She should have been given more help after the miscarriages and then she might have coped,’ said Susan.
‘Maybe you’re right.’ Steff had sounded thoughtful. ‘Listen, there’s something else. No, actually, don’t worry. I’ll save it for later.’
‘OK,’ said Susan, bemused. Nowadays Steff was acting more like her best friend than her ex-husband’s new wife but, in a funny way, it was all right.
Even so, it was difficult to get Lisa out of her head, although being in the office helped. Sometimes she could hardly believe how much she loved her job. And now she had wheels, her prospects were even better.
The door opened and Susan sat up straight, ready to take a new client’s details. ‘Steff!’
‘I’m sorry.’ She flicked back her fringe. ‘I know I shouldn’t barge in when you’re working, and I nearly told you on the mobile, but I was passing and I wanted to talk face to face.’ She pulled up a chair, uninvited. ‘Listen, Josh doesn’t know I’m here but I wanted to have a girl-to-girl chat.’
Just as well no one else was in the office to hear. ‘Go on.’
‘I’ve found out more about that centre near us.’ Steff’s eyes shone. ‘They’re adding an extra building for teenagers – not just any age – with special needs. There’s computers and gym equipment and a coffee bar and loads of other stuff.’
Susan felt herself going cold. ‘So?’
‘It would be perfect for Tabs, don’t you see?’
‘If you think Tabitha’s going to come and live with you, I’ll fight you every inch of the way. Get out of here right now.’
‘Not with us, Sue.’ Steff grabbed her hands pleadingly. ‘Just near us. Both of you. Josh said you’d never consider it but it would be great. Tabs could see more of her dad and she’d get the stimulation she needs. You could have more time with your friend Joe, too. Please, Sue. Just say you’ll think about it.’
She couldn’t. Or could she? She still couldn’t sleep properly at night, scared stiff in case Simon returned. And Tabitha did need more than she was getting at the moment. She’d have to leave the centre when she was sixteen and then what? Susan had found out a bit more about this new place on the internet and it wasn’t just for teenagers: it was for young people too, in their twenties and thirties.
Funnily enough, the idea of being near Josh and Steff wasn’t unappealing. She felt nothing for her ex, but she had a grudging affection for Steff, who was like a puppy that wouldn’t take no for an answer. She would also be nearer her dad.
But what about work? She’d tried so hard – and done well too. It would be wrong to give it up. On the other hand, she might be able to get transferred. Steff had pointed out that Green & Co had a branch in their town. She’d looked it up. From the picture and staff description, it was about the same size and the manager was quite dishy. Not that she had time to think about that kind of thing.
‘Hiya,’ said Fiona. ‘Anyone been in?’
‘No one who seemed seriously interested in buying,’ said Susan, truthfully. ‘Actually, have you got a second? There’s something I want to run past you.’
‘Fire away.’
‘I wondered if I could have the sixteenth off next month. It’s a Tuesday.’
Fiona was slipping into her office shoes. ‘I’ll need to check the rota. Doing something special, are you?’
Susan coloured. ‘It’s a big lunch, actually, at some swanky hotel in London. I’ve been shortlisted for a magazine award – well, my friend Joy and I have – for trying to save the centre.’
‘Well done you! Course you can have the day off. What are you going to wear?’
‘I’m not sure. Actually, there was something else I wanted to ask you.’
The door opened and a woman came in, clutching some brochures. ‘Tell me later,’ hissed Fiona. ‘Can I help you, madam?’
65
ONLINE NEWS: BABY FOUND SAFE AND WELL IN COUNCIL HOUSE NEAR WELLINGTON. A MOTHER OF TWO IS STILL BEING QUESTIONED
‘Scary, isn’t it?’ said Daisy’s mum to Mrs Perkins. ‘You wouldn’t think they’d take a baby from a nursery, would you? What’s your security like, by the way?’
‘Very good,’ said Mrs Perkins, who’d already arranged to have the centre’s alarm updated. ‘But I was going to say to you the other day that, if I were you, I wouldn’t leave the pram outside when you come in to collect Daisy. You never know.’
‘So you see,’ said Mark slowly, at the end of what seemed like a very long confessional, ‘that’s why your gran and I told you she was in America. Mum didn’t want you knowing she was in prison. Now it’s got her depressed and made her act strangely. That’s why she cut herself.’
‘But she hasn’t killed anyone?’ demanded Freddy.
‘No, silly. Dad told you. She stole some money.’
‘Well, not exactly,’ began Mark. ‘She bought some shares she shouldn’t have.’
‘What are shares?’
‘A kind of money,’ said Florrie, impatiently. ‘But what will happen when she gets out? Will you two split up?’
She seemed so calm about it. He’d heard that kids were much better at dealing with this kind of thing than they used to be but Florrie’s matter-of-fact air was unnerving.
‘Possibly,’ he said slowly.
‘Who will we live with?’
‘Well, that depends on a lot of things. Like who you want to be with.’
‘You,’ they both chorused.
Mark breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Come here, both of you.’
He drew them on to his knees. ‘I know this is difficult, with Mum and me splitting up.’
‘Not really,’ interrupted Florrie. ‘We knew you two didn’t get on, didn’t we, Freddy?’
His son nodded.
‘It was worse not knowing what was happening,’ continued Florrie. ‘It’s horrible when you suspect people are keeping things from you. I knew something was wrong when I rang that bank in America and no one knew about her. Anyway, loads of my friends have divorced parents, and I’d rather you were both happy.’
He was so astounded, he could hardly find the words. ‘Y
ou’re amazing, you know that?’
Florrie gave him a big hug. ‘We get it from you, don’t we, Freddy?’ She dropped her voice. ‘I know we’ve been difficult but that’s because we missed Mum. But now she’s back, well, she’s different. And a bit scary. Suppose she cuts herself when we’re there – I wouldn’t know what to do.’
‘She wouldn’t,’ soothed Mark.
‘Yes, but suppose she did?’ interrupted Freddy. ‘She stole, didn’t she? It makes me feel I don’t know what she’s really like.’
Exactly how he felt, thought Mark. ‘Mum needs help,’ he said slowly, ‘and when she’s better, we’ll see how it goes. OK?’
Florrie buried her head on his shoulder and he could feel her weeping silently. He put his arms round her reassuringly. Damn Hilary. Damn her for everything.
Florrie raised her tear-stained face. Her eyes were so like his own mother’s, he’d always thought. Of course she was his. So why did he have that niggling uncertainty on top of everything else he had to cope with?
‘Mum won’t be coming back for a while, will she?’ Florrie said.
‘No,’ said Mark, firmly. ‘I don’t think she will.’
MESSAGE FROM FLORRIE
Hi, Kari, Just had a weird time with Mum. She wasn’t in New York at all. I’ll tell you more when I see you.
‘Janie, it’s me. Sorry it’s so late but I wanted to ring instead of emailing. Something’s happened . . .’
GREEN & CO: TRANSFER REQUEST
Applicant: Susan Thomas
Age: 34
Experience: four months at Hazlewood branch
Reference (from Fiona Sterling): I have no hesitation in recommending Susan Thomas for this position. She is reliable, trustworthy and conscientious.
ONLINE NEWS: TEENAGERS PROSECUTED FOR DOWNLOADING MUSIC ILLEGALLY
WHAT MUMS KNOW
JOIN OUR ONLINE DISCUSSIONS ON: