Cast into Doubt

by Patricia MacDonald

  Jeremy looked over Harris’s shoulder at Shelby and blinked as if he could not believe his eyes.

  ‘Hi sweetie.’ Shelby reached up for her grandson, but Jeremy reared back, kicking his chubby leg at her.

  ‘No, Shep, I don’t want you. I don’t want you. I want Mommy,’ the child yelled, his face red.

  ‘Hey, slugger,’ Harris cajoled him. ‘Stop that now. Say hi to your grandmom.’

  Jeremy began to scream. ‘No Shep. I want Mommy, I want Mommy, I want Mommy.’ Tears spurted from his eyes and he clutched Harris’s jacket with his fists. Harris kept a firm grip on the child.

  Lianna spoke quietly to Shelby in her low, husky voice. ‘I’m so sorry. This is what I wanted to tell you. Some volunteer at that church school he goes to told him about Chloe. Some old biddy who helps out in the classroom. I don’t know what she was thinking. She said she was afraid the kids would tell him that his mother was drowned in the ocean and she had to explain it to him.’

  Jeremy had buried his face against Harris’s shoulder. ‘Hey there buddy,’ Harris murmured. ‘Everybody wants to see you.’

  ‘NO. I won’t,’ Jeremy insisted.

  ‘He’s just upset,’ said Harris to Shelby. ‘Let me carry him inside.’

  Shelby glanced back at the row house. Rob was in the doorway, comforting Molly. Shelby took a deep breath. ‘I’ll do it,’ she said. As Shelby reached for him, Jeremy began to strike at her with his little, balled-up fists. His face was as red as a tomato. Ignoring Jeremy’s angry blows, his kicking, sneakered feet, Shelby lifted her grandson from Harris’s arms.

  ‘Put me down,’ Jeremy insisted.

  ‘Maybe he wants to walk,’ Lianna suggested as Jeremy continued to kick and punch his grandmother. A teenage driver in a low-slung car with a loud boom box pulled up behind Harris’s late model sedan. Between the illegally parked police cruiser and Harris’s doubleparked Lexus, there was no room to get by.

  ‘Molly,’ Shelby called out to the girl who was still huddled beneath her father’s arm in the front doorway, ‘can you get Jeremy’s stuff for me?’

  Molly nodded and hurried down to the car. Harris opened the trunk and began to hand Molly her brother’s belongings.

  Lianna wrapped her arms around her own, slightly expanded waist and walked up to Rob. They spoke awkwardly. Shelby could see that Rob was saying something to his ex-wife, and she was nodding, staring at the ground.

  The teenager honked his horn.

  Harris turned and glared at the young driver. ‘Keep your pants on,’ he said to him. Then he turned back to Shelby. ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to carry him?’ Harris asked.

  Shelby shook her head. She thought of all the times as a young mother when she had been flummoxed by Chloe’s angry outbursts. Inexperienced with children, inexperienced with life, she would try to placate Chloe, which only served to make the child more furious. Shelby felt none of that uncertainty with her grandson. She knew that he was suffering. She held the flailing child close as he pummeled her. ‘It’s not necessary. I’ve got him.’

  Molly emerged from the trunk carrying Jeremy’s bags of clothes and toys. ‘Hey, Jeremy, you want to keep some toys for the next time you come over?’ Molly asked her brother gently.

  ‘No,’ Jeremy retorted. ‘Leave me alone.’

  ‘You come see us again soon,’ Harris said kindly to Jeremy.

  ‘NO,’ Jeremy shouted.

  ‘We love you, Jeremy,’ Molly said in a small voice.

  ‘Thank you, Molly,’ said Shelby. ‘Thank you both. For everything.’

  The teenage driver leaned on his horn again, and Harris shook his head.

  ‘Go on. You go ahead,’ said Shelby.

  ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’ asked Harris.

  ‘We’ll be all right,’ said Shelby in a determined voice.

  Jeremy bellowed in protest and twisted furiously, trying to escape from her arms.

  ‘Jeremy, I’m not going to let you go,’ Shelby whispered, but it was a promise, not a threat. ‘Shep’s here now. And Daddy. Daddy has missed you so much. And listen. Your Dad and I are gonna stay right here with you. We’re gonna take care of everything. You’ll see. It’s gonna be all right.’ She was not sure if that was true. But she knew that she had to try and make him believe it.

  Lianna and Molly got back into the car. Harris gave the teenage driver behind him a disgusted glance, as if daring him to honk again. Then he slid into the driver’s seat and turned off the flashers. Lianna and Molly waved as he pulled away from the curb. ‘Bye Jeremy,’ Lianna called out sadly. ‘Bye honey.’

  Jeremy suddenly stopped struggling and stiffened. He watched the car’s disappearing taillights longingly. Then he gasped, and began to sob anew. ‘I want M . . . mommy,’ he wailed. Shelby pulled him close, and felt his wet tears against her ear, in her hair. She could feel his small heart beating frantically, close to hers, and his grieving cry pierced Shelby’s heart like an arrow. She felt the warmth of his feverish little body radiating against hers.

  Rob appeared at her side, and reached for his son. Jeremy reared back and turned his wrathful gaze on his father. ‘Why is Mommy gone? How come Mommy fell in the water?’ he demanded, pointing a pudgy finger at him.

  ‘I don’t know, son,’ Rob said, opening his arms to the boy.

  Jeremy turned his back on his father and huddled against Shelby. ‘You didn’t bring her home. You shoulda brought her home.’

  Shelby’s heart was beating fast, and she couldn’t bring herself to look at Rob.

  ‘I should have,’ Rob said. ‘I know.’

  NINE

  The next few days they were inundated with calls and visits from friends and neighbors. Most people’s intentions were only the best. Members of Rob’s church arrived and brought covered dishes. Chloe’s co-workers at Dr Cliburn’s stopped by with a flowering plant. Darcie, Jeremy’s preschool teacher, came by with brownies and a favorite book, which she read to Jeremy, several times over.

  ‘Thinking of you’ bouquets arrived and filled up every surface of the house. There was one from the Markson stores, with a card signed by her colleagues. When she called to say that she was going to stay a while with her son-in-law and grandson, Elliott Markson was said to be too busy to take the call. Shelby suspected that, unlike his Uncle Albert, who was a consummate family man, Elliott did not believe that family came before business. Shelby’s determination did not waver. In fact, she was amazed at how little she cared. If Elliott Markson didn’t understand what she was doing, that was his problem. She would try to explain it to him when she returned to work.

  Shelby knew that going back to work was inevitable. In a little over a week the search had exhausted half her savings, and still no trace of Chloe. Chief Giroux sent her an email urging her most strenuously to call it off. Shelby hesitated, frightened by the mounting expenses he had listed, and then insisted they continue a little longer.

  Talia called, complaining that their mother was almost incoherent now, slipping in and out of consciousness. It took Shelby a few moments to realize that her sister was completely ignorant of Chloe’s disappearance. When Shelby explained what had happened, Talia hung up abruptly, as if insulted. Two days later, a sympathy card arrived in the mail, signed ‘From Talia and mother.’ There was no word from Glen.

  Rob went back to his job, coming and going like a zombie. If people were questioning him at work about Chloe’s disappearance, he did not mention it.

  Shelby let Jeremy stay home for a few days, and then, at Rob’s insistence, she sent him back to preschool. She knew that Rob was right. At home there were too many reminders of Chloe, and Jeremy needed distraction, not reminding. Shelby dropped him off, worrying at the sight of him trudging into school, listless, quiet, and unsmiling. But when she came to pick him up, he seemed better – wrestling and trading snacks with a friend. His gloom returned when he saw Shelby. Apparently he had forgotten for a moment that it would not be his mother picking him up.

/>   The Saturday after they arrived back the phone rang. Rob had taken Jeremy to a softball game at the field by the elementary school. Shelby looked at the area code on the caller ID and did not recognize it. She answered the phone warily, afraid that it might be a reporter. Rob insisted that they avoid all contact with curious local reporters.

  ‘Mrs Sloan?’

  It took Shelby a moment to recognize the voice at the other end. Then, she was flooded with relief. ‘Franny!’ she cried, greeting Chloe’s childhood friend. After years of helping out in her parents’ pizzeria, Franny had graduated from culinary school and moved to Los Angeles where she was now a sous-chef at an upscale trattoria. Despite the distance between them, Franny and Chloe had remained friends all their lives and saw each other whenever Franny came home to Philadelphia.

  ‘Mrs Sloan, I’m so sorry about Chloe. I should have called sooner,’ Franny said in a rush. ‘I didn’t know what to say. I can’t even really believe it’s true.’

  ‘How did you find out?’

  ‘My mom called me. She read about it in the Philly paper. She said it was only a little item – she almost missed it.’

  ‘I should have called you,’ Shelby admitted.

  ‘Oh no, not at all. I was just afraid to pick up the phone and hear your voice. I know how much you loved Chloe.’

  ‘Thank you. That means a lot,’ said Shelby. She could picture Franny’s round face, her shiny, black hair.

  ‘Is there going to be a . . . memorial or something? If there is, I will definitely be there. I mean, I feel like it isn’t real somehow. Maybe if there were a service . . .’

  Shelby hesitated. When the minister from Rob’s church paid a call and mentioned the possibility of a memorial service, Shelby bristled at the suggestion. ‘We don’t know for sure that she’s dead,’ Shelby had insisted. Rob had frowned at her, but Shelby stuck out her chin defiantly. Of course, she knew – she was just trying to avoid the final pronouncement.

  ‘We don’t have anything planned,’ Shelby said. ‘They never found her.’

  ‘Oh no,’ Franny moaned. Shelby heard the thickness of tears in her voice. ‘Oh it’s too terrible.’

  ‘The Coast Guard mounted a search with boats and helicopters but they finally gave up,’ said Shelby. ‘I’ve hired people to continue searching for her but . . . so far . . . nothing.’

  Franny sniffled, and then collected herself. ‘Do they know how it actually happened?’

  Shelby didn’t even want to speak the words aloud. But then she thought, if anyone would be likely to know about Chloe’s drinking problem, it would be Franny. She decided to be blunt and gauge Franny’s reaction.

  ‘They said that it appeared that Chloe was drinking, and accidentally fell overboard.’

  ‘My mom said that was in the paper,’ Franny admitted, ‘I can’t believe it.’

  Shelby’s appreciated her indignation. ‘Me neither. But Rob said that . . .’

  ‘What?’

  ‘He said that she had developed a problem with alcohol.’

  ‘No way,’ Franny protested. ‘Since when?’

  ‘Well, I don’t know. When was the last time you saw her?’

  Franny thought for a minute. ‘Last time I was home. It was about a month ago. I came over for dinner. In fact, we were talking about the cruise. I was trying to tempt Chloe with this great bottle of wine I brought, but she said she didn’t want any. Now that I think about it . . .’

  ‘What?’ Shelby asked.

  ‘I actually remember wondering if she was pregnant again. Or trying to get pregnant. It never occurred to me that she might be . . .’

  ‘An alcoholic,’ said Shelby.

  ‘Never,’ Franny insisted.

  ‘Apparently she was going to AA.’

  ‘No way! God, I had no idea.’

  ‘I thought if she would talk to anybody, it would be you,’ said Shelby.

  Franny sighed. ‘I thought I knew her better than anybody.’

  They were both silent for a moment, thinking their own thoughts. Then Shelby said, ‘How did she seem to you when you were here?’

  ‘Oh well, you know Chloe. A little anxious.’

  ‘Anxious about what?’ Shelby asked.

  Franny hesitated. ‘I don’t know. Sometimes she would borrow trouble.’

  ‘How? What do you mean?’ Shelby asked.

  ‘Well, she was always comparing herself to Lianna. She would always say how beautiful Lianna was. And she mentioned that Lianna was pregnant. I thought she might be a little . . . jealous.’

  Shelby’s heart ached. In that instant she remembered Chloe with tears in her eyes, insisting that there was nothing wrong in her marriage. ‘Do you think that she and Rob had problems?’ Shelby asked.

  ‘I don’t think so. I mean, he may have been upset about the drinking. Rob’s such a straight arrow. But if he said she’d stopped . . .’

  ‘Well, he said she went to AA. You have to be sober to go to those meetings,’ said Shelby, ruminating aloud. ‘But I got the feeling that he didn’t really trust her. Chloe must have known that.’

  ‘You know how Chloe is. She isn’t the most . . . self-confident . . .’

  ‘I know. She gets down on herself . . .’

  They both realized at once that they were talking about Chloe in the present tense.

  ‘I just can’t believe this,’ said Franny miserably. ‘Any of it.’

  The back door of the house slammed and Shelby heard Rob call out, ‘We’re back.’ She heard the sound of Jeremy’s feet thundering up the stairs as he yelled out ‘Shep!’ Jeremy ran into the room, his eyes alight for the first time, it seemed, since they had arrived back. He held up a grimy softball and offered it to her. ‘I caught it, Shep,’ he cried.

  Shelby took the proffered ball. ‘That’s great,’ she said to the beaming child. ‘Franny, Jeremy just got back from the park, and he’s here with me so I’m going to have to go.’

  ‘OK. You’ll let me know if there’s any news? How long are you going to be there with Rob and Jeremy?’

  ‘I’m not sure yet.’

  ‘You’ll let me know if you decide about a service?’

  ‘Of course. I will,’ said Shelby. ‘And thanks.’

  Rob came into the room, looking grimy but cheerful. ‘Jeremy show you the ball he caught?’

  Shelby hung up the phone carefully. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘And I want to hear all about it.’

  ‘Who was that?’ Rob asked.

  ‘A friend,’ she said.

  ‘It was Aunt Franny,’ Jeremy piped up.

  Shelby’s face reddened and Rob raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh really?’ he said coolly. ‘That’s nice. How is Franny?’

  ‘She’s grieving. Of course,’ Shelby snapped, before she could stop herself.

  Jeremy looked warily from his grandmother to his father and back.

  ‘Sorry,’ she mumbled. ‘That was a difficult call.’ Before Rob could reply, Shelby sat down on the sofa and pulled Jeremy up on to the cushion beside her. ‘All right,’ she said. ‘Now, let’s get to the important stuff. I want to hear all about this catch of yours.’

  Later in the afternoon, as Shelby was staring into the refrigerator, trying to figure out what to make for supper, Rob came into the kitchen and announced that he was taking Jeremy, Molly, and Molly’s friend, Sara, to Pizza Hut and the new Disney movie.

  Shelby looked at him in surprise. ‘Really? I wouldn’t think thirteen-year-old girls would be interested in that.’

  ‘Actually,’ said Rob, ‘they wanted to see the new teen vampire movie, but I wanted to include Jeremy. When I called Molly to explain the problem, she was the one who suggested the Disney movie. She still loves her animation.’

  ‘That was thoughtful of her,’ Shelby said.

  ‘She’s a good kid,’ said Rob. ‘And she adores her brother. Chloe never understood that.’

  ‘What does that mean?’ Shelby asked.

  ‘Nothing,’ said Rob defensively. ‘She just cou
ldn’t seem to grasp that they were brother and sister. I mean Jeremy was hers, and Molly . . . just didn’t belong in the picture.’

  Shelby felt stung by his complaint. How can you speak ill of Chloe, she wanted to say? Is that really all you can remember about her? ‘It’s not easy to become a stepparent.’

  ‘I don’t mean it as a criticism,’ Rob said stubbornly. ‘That’s just the way it was. I just kept hoping she would adjust.’

  Shelby was not placated, but she kept her thoughts to herself as she helped Jeremy to get ready. Rob asked her politely if she wanted to come along, but Shelby insisted that she would enjoy an evening to herself. She waved goodbye at the door, trying to smile as they pulled away. But once they were gone, she turned back to the house with a feeling of despair. Alone in the house with Chloe’s quilts and her magnetized photos on the refrigerator, and her careful arrangements of her cupboards, Shelby suddenly felt overwhelmed by her loss. She did not belong here and she knew it. So far, Rob had been tolerant of her presence. He had even thanked her for helping him with Jeremy.

  But Shelby had no illusions about her role here. Jeremy was her grandson, but he had his father and his sister as well. And she had no one. It seemed to her now, without Chloe, that she had nothing. Rob and Jeremy would go on with their lives and, without Chloe to remind them, would forget to call her, to keep in touch. For a few more years Jeremy would welcome her attentions and then, he would have less and less time for his grandmother. Shelby felt her spirits sinking and recognized the imminent onset of another crying jag.

  You need to get out of this house, she thought. These walls are closing in.

  Do something. Get in your car and drive to Center City, she thought. Call Jen for dinner. Relax in your own space. But even as she toyed with the idea and went up to Molly’s room to put on some makeup, she felt a paralyzing inertia, and knew she wouldn’t do it.

  She was staring at herself in the mirror uncertain of how or where to escape the misery of her own heart when the doorbell rang. Shelby went to the top of the stairs and waited, hoping that whoever it was would go away. The doorbell rang again. With a sigh, Shelby descended the stairs and opened the door. She saw a complete stranger standing there. It was a woman about her own age, although this woman had a wan, deeply lined face and seemed careless of her appearance. She had graying, frizzy hair, and wore a shapeless canvas coat.