What hurt most was that now she had to face the fact that he didn’t want a baby nearly as much as she did. He could deny that, but it was true. He’d seen fit to have a fling with someone during the darkest period of her life, and he’d resisted talking to the adoption lawyer.
She’d begun to realize that all her plans for a happy life with Aidan that included children lay in ruins. A part of her was sure that there was nothing left between them.
She realized that most of her friends would see her willingness to try to repair her marriage as degrading and pointless, given his infidelity. But despite these past few weeks, she knew Aidan to be a decent man.
To talk about adoption in the middle of this crisis was pure denial on her part. Yet she hadn’t let go of that dream, that possibility of getting a child. She supposed, underneath it all, she needed to keep her life as normal as possible and to believe that she and Aidan had a chance to survive this if they worked hard enough.
So she’d made dinner. For them and two of their friends, Cecilia and Dave. As though everything was fine. As though Grace and Aidan were actually considering adoption. It was better than facing the evening alone, which was what she’d been doing since seeing the photos of Emma.
Aidan came up behind her and put his hands on her waist, something that had always made her lean back into his embrace. “Grace, I’ve finished setting the table. Anything else I can do?” he whispered close to her ear, sending tiny points of excitement hurtling down her body. She resisted the urge to lean into him and, instead, ran hot water into the sink in preparation for cleaning the frying pan and spatulas she’d used.
He continued to hold her gently yet securely. She was powerless to resist him. “Grace, I know how hard this has been for you, this waiting and wondering.”
She turned in his arms and gazed into his eyes, his body’s warmth drawing her closer. “If you really know how difficult this is for me, why haven’t you stayed home with me during the evening? It’s lonely here with no one to talk to about all this.”
He bowed his head, his forehead touching hers. “I wish I had. Most of the time I sat in my office trying to face the truth about me, about what I’d done, how stupid I felt. Wherever my thoughts took me, one thing remained the same. This is my fault. I hurt you. I’m sorry. So sorry for what I did. I can’t say it enough.”
She wanted to resist him, make him pay for what he did to her, to them. But she needed his arms around her, needed to feel his body pressed into hers. She missed him so much, his lovemaking, his caring touch, the feeling that they would always be together. She put her arms around his neck and raised her face to his.
He reacted with a deep sigh of need, his lips touching hers, demanding and hot. She angled her body closer, feeling his erection against her tummy and writhing against it.
“Oh, Grace. I’ve missed you so much,” he said against her mouth, his breath hot on her lips.
“Me, too,” she whispered, pulling him closer, her need for him sweeping all other thoughts from her mind.
He picked her up. “We’ve got time,” he said, holding her tight as they started for the bedroom.
“You’re going to carry me upstairs?” she said, surprised. “You haven’t done that in years.”
“I may spend my days behind a desk but I can still carry my wife upstairs,” he said, his embrace firm as he maneuvered through the living room toward the stairs just as the phone rang.
A mechanical voice blared from the phone on the hall table. “Call from Knowles Attorney at Law. Call from Knowles Attorney at Law.”
He stopped. She slid from his arms. They stared at each other.
“You’d better take it,” Grace said, her voice strained, her heart doing a slow, hard pound in her chest. She watched her husband’s face as he spoke with the lawyer, his eyes on hers as he listened.
“I understand. So it’s conclusive.” He fidgeted with the handheld unit, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, his eyes swerving around the room. “Thanks. Yes. Please fax the results to my office as soon as you can.” He hung up, coming toward her, pulling her into his arms, his body pressed to hers. “The test results prove that Emma is my daughter. I can’t believe this. I have a daughter... How could I have a daughter?”
A chill ran down Grace’s spine. He said the words with a reverence she hadn’t heard from him before. “You mean you have a daughter.”
“I can’t believe it,” he said again, as if he hadn’t heard her, his eyes shining with unshed tears. “But deep down, I knew by the spot of color in her left eye. I saw it. Mom had the same spot, the same yellow area in her iris.”
Grace stepped out of his arms. “You were sure the day we saw the video, but you didn’t tell me. You let me hope that there might be a chance that the DNA test was wrong. How could you?” she demanded.
He glanced at her, his expression gentle. “I wanted to protect you as long as I could. But, yes, I knew that Emma was my daughter. I don’t know how it could have happened, but it did.”
Anger flooded her at his selfish words. “How can you stand there and tell me you don’t know how it happened?” All these nights, he hadn’t been sitting in his office worried about her. He’d been thinking about his daughter and what that would mean to him. All the while, Grace had been home alone trying to make sense of what was going on and missing him with her whole heart.
“What do you mean?” he asked startled.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Aidan. You made this happen by having sex with this woman. How can you stand there and pretend this was fate when you broke our marriage vows?” Grace demanded, so angry she could barely breathe. “Stop lying to yourself,” she said as she stomped upstairs, anger filling her mind and soul with the stark realization that her marriage was over.
She turned at the top of the stairs to face him where he stood at the bottom looking up at her. “You had your fling and now you have your child. Congratulations.” With that she went into the guest bedroom and slammed the door. Throwing herself on the bed she cried until there were no tears left.
* * *
THE NEXT MORNING, Grace awoke to the sound of the phone ringing, once again the stupid, mechanical voice announcing the caller, only this time, it was her friend Cecilia’s name. Grace didn’t have a clue whether they’d shown up last night or not. She hadn’t been able to hear anything over her tears.
Her whole life had been tossed, and that was all she could think about. She assumed that Aidan had dealt with dinner, but she couldn’t bring herself to care what he did. She owed her friends an apology, but she couldn’t do it right now. Her head ached, her mouth was dry and her whole body felt numb.
She heard Aidan’s voice, his consoling tone and his offer to have her call Cecilia back when she got up. But she wasn’t getting up for a very long time. Her life in this house was over. The man she’d thought she knew didn’t exist anymore. And instead, she was faced with the fact that her husband was completely absorbed with his present circumstances, leaving her to work out her feelings toward him alone, to cope with the loss of her dream all over again.
She heard Aidan come up the stairs and scrambled to bury herself under the covers. When the door opened she called out, “What do you want?”
He entered the room, standing next to the door. “We need to talk, Grace.”
“You’re the one with the secrets. Why don’t you start?” she asked sarcastically. She was done trying to be the perfect, caring wife.
“Last night was difficult for you, and again, I’m sorry.”
She wanted to stay buried beneath the duvet, but if he was going to stand there talking, she decided to face him, to not back down or allow any feelings she had left for him sway her. It wasn’t as if she didn’t have anything to say and better to get it over now. She sat up, bracing herself against the mound of pillows. “Aidan, if you’d behaved like my husband and n
ot some philandering shell of a man, you wouldn’t have to apologize. You have singlehandedly destroyed our marriage. I hope you’re proud of what you’ve done.”
She saw the hurt in his eyes, the way his hands shook as he held them against his face. “That was mean of me, but you deserved it,” she said, swinging her feet over the side of the bed while hugging the duvet close to her body, realizing, as she looked at her feet, that she was still dressed in the clothes she’d worn yesterday.
“You’re right. But we have to talk. I called the lawyer this morning, and he wants to know if we’re going to be in Spartanburg sometime this week to settle the estate.”
“What do you want me to do about it? She’s your daughter. And her mother was your lover,” she said sarcastically.
“She is our daughter, and she’s going to be part of our lives. I want to talk this over with you. I need to have your support on this.”
“My support?” She gawked. “You think after everything you’ve done that you’re entitled to my support?”
“You’re my wife, and you will be Emma’s mother.”
“Aidan! Wake up! I am not Emma’s mother and I’m not your wife. You made sure of that.” She couldn’t look at the sorrowful expression on his face any longer. Instead, she focused on the embroidered edge of the duvet.
“Grace, Emma is my daughter. I can’t abandon her now that her mother is gone.”
“Aidan, you’re not being fair. How long have I waited to have a baby, to share every bit of the experience with you? And now there’s this...this child, who will remind me every single day of my life that my husband has been unfaithful, appears and I’m supposed to be her stand-in mother?”
Grace balled her fingers into fists. “You should have been honest with me. About the affair and about this child. You knew the truth when we were at the lawyer’s office. And again you didn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth.”
Aidan rushed to the side of the bed and knelt in front of her. “I should have. I know that. And I have no explanation other than my own stupidity, my need not to have you angry at me. But now there is a child in our lives who just lost her mother and who will be going through a terrible time. I can’t leave her to deal with that without me. I—I can’t.”
His gaze implored her to understand. “I realize that this is a lot for you to understand and accept, but Emma needs me...needs us.” He took her hand in his, his fingers gently stroking the soft skin of her wrist. “I can’t imagine what life will be like for Emma now that her mother is gone. She’s only four and she is going to be alone if we don’t help her.”
“Why do you keep saying we?” Grace asked, feeling her throat tighten.
“If you’d come with me, you’d have a chance to see her and offer your caring and support. Grace, you’re the most loving and kind person on the planet. And there is a little girl in need of everything you have to offer. Don’t pass up the chance to help her because of the mistakes I made. Don’t make her life more miserable because of something I did. I will do anything you ask if you will come to Spartanburg with me.”
Grace looked into his eyes and saw the truth of his words. He wanted to go to his daughter, and she wanted him to go. Despite her hurt and her fear of how this child would change their lives, she wanted him to go to his little girl. She wanted the little girl to have all the support and understanding possible. But Grace could not go there with him. Couldn’t act as if nothing had happened, as if her life hadn’t been tossed in the garbage by the man who claimed to love her.
Yet, he had a point; there was a child who needed all the support she could give. “Why do you need me? There must be other people to help out. People she already knows. People who love her. What about Deidre’s friends?”
“I don’t know who Deidre’s friends are, but the only way I can find out is to go back to Spartanburg.”
That he would be unfaithful to her after all they’d been through, after all the time they’d loved each other—it still was inconceivable that he would have been with someone else.
And he had the audacity to expect her to be supportive of him while he went to visit his daughter.
“Everything I thought we were working toward, every dream we’d had about a family ended last evening. I’m the one who can’t conceive. I am the one who is infertile. Even if we could reconcile, I would never be able to give you a child.” She struggled to keep the ugly tears in check. “You can’t expect me to go along as if nothing has changed between us.”
Aidan sighed deeply. “I promise you, Grace, that if you go with me, I will do whatever you ask where we are concerned. I don’t pretend to understand how you feel, but I will respect any decision you make once you’ve seen Emma. It’s clear we need time to work on our problems. I won’t deny that. But I also want you to see this little girl.”
“Why are you so fixated on this, Aidan? A few days won’t matter. You’re a complete stranger to this child. You could simply upset her. What good would that do?”
“I hope that doesn’t happen, but if it does, I’ll find a way to deal with it,” Aidan said, his eyes not meeting hers.
Suddenly she felt a cold sensation around her heart. She was alone in all this misery. Aidan didn’t understand what he was asking of her or he would never have asked it. He would have known how painful it would be for her to face the child he’d conceived with another woman.
But, most of all, she felt alone because he had a whole new focus in his life. He had a daughter, and his eagerness to see her made Grace feel invisible...unimportant.
Yet deep down, a part of her longed to see this child—a little girl who, through no fault of her own, had been thrust into their lives. What would it be like if, somehow, they could work things out between them and Aidan took over his little girl’s life? How would holidays, like Christmas or Easter, be if Emma was with them, was an integral part of their lives? It was so easy to imagine those moments, moments Grace had already dreamed of, lived for all these years.
She’d dreamed of feeling moments of pure joy with her child. With Emma in their lives, there would be wonderful events—the miracle of Christmas and the Christ child being real and present in their lives.
There was a little girl who, regardless of how it had come about, would become a part of their lives...if only they could resolve their differences. Grace struggled with fear and so many other emotions. How could she mother another woman’s child when that child would trigger suspicions about her husband’s behavior? Grace would always wonder what he was doing, what he was really feeling, whenever she looked at the child he’d had with someone else. Grace had been living that way these past few weeks, and it had been unbearable. “Aidan, if we are going together to see Emma, I need you to tell me that that you aren’t hiding anything more from me.”
He nodded his head vigorously, his face tight with anxiety.
“Are you sure you’re telling me everything about your relationship with Deidre? How am I to believe that you weren’t in touch with her these past four years? Because it just doesn’t make sense to me. What woman would spend the money to prove who the father of her child was without ever telling him about it?”
“I have no idea why Deidre did what she did. But I swear to you, I had no contact with her.”
“And you and Deidre haven’t been seeing each other?”
“Grace, I have not seen Deidre since those two days five years ago. I’ve done a lot of things wrong, but I want to get this right. What I said last night about Emma being my child is only partly true. You’re my wife. I love you. And this is our child. I can’t help but believe that your faith in God had something to do with this child entering our lives.”
“What? You’re not making sense.”
“We love each other. We’ve tried everything to have a baby. And I’m really sorry that Deidre died. She was essentially a good person, but her passing has give
n us the gift we’ve been dreaming of for years. It may not have happened in quite the way either of us wanted, but it is a chance for us to start our family.”
She had always been a practicing Christian. She believed in God’s will and his plan for her and her life. Could it be that Aidan was right? Was this how God worked in their lives? She wasn’t sure. “Do you think it is possible?”
He nodded. “I do.”
Seeing the anguish on his face, Grace clasped his hand, her love for him reawaking within her. This was a very difficult situation, and they would be a long time working through it, but if they could... She leaned across the bed to touch him and tried to forget her fears and her suspicions.
If they were going to make their marriage work once again, she had to accept what had happened. If, in the end, they couldn’t work things out, she had to be certain that she’d done what she could to save her marriage. “I’ll go with you to see Emma.”
He kissed her hand, a long sigh escaping his lips. “You will not regret this. I promise you that we will do this together.”
CHAPTER FOUR
THEY PACKED A few things and started out of town just as the sun began to warm the air. Grace couldn’t help but feel anxious. As much as she wanted to support Aidan and Emma, she was still in shock over what had occurred in such a short time. Doubt and betrayal continued to circle her thoughts, refusing to leave regardless of how she tried to think of God’s will.
She felt suspended, dislocated, since the lawyer had called. The news that Aidan would now be responsible for his daughter didn’t seem to be real, despite her earlier hope. “How are we going to make this all work?” she asked.
“To be honest, I’m still trying to figure out why Deidre didn’t tell me.”
“Maybe she never intended that you find out.”
“But why? All those meetings we held to discuss the operational issues of her company back five years ago, I thought I knew her. At least a little bit. I never pictured her as someone who would hide such important information from anyone, let alone me.”
Bringing Emma Home Page 5