Despite all that had happened between them, she knew he was speaking from his heart. “Aidan, I’d like that, too.”
He slipped his arm around her shoulders as they moved closer to each other. “I’ve known that since the day I met you—”
She put her fingers on his lips to silence him. “Just listen to me. Being a mother means everything to me, but I never imagined it would happen like this. That you would have a child with someone else. All I ever wanted was to have our baby, to be part of bringing our child into the world, our lives, our home. I wanted the excitement of being pregnant, of giving birth to our baby. That’s not going to happen for me.
“Instead, I am faced with another woman’s child who has come into my life uninvited and unintended. It’s not that I don’t adore her. She’s sweet and bright and a beautiful child. But she’s not mine. I don’t know how to explain this any better than that.”
He pulled her into his arms, his warmth, his embrace a shield from the world. “Grace, if I could turn back time, I’d go back to Spartanburg, the first time, and do it all over with you. I would. I’d include you in everything I said and did back there. But that’s not possible.” He paused, then said slowly, “If it would change how you feel about me, I’m willing to move Emma and Lisa back to Spartanburg while we sort things out between us.”
She wished with all her heart that was possible. “You can’t do that to Emma. She’s been through enough, from losing her mother to losing her home. But don’t you see what’s happening here? You’re looking to make things right without thinking it through or considering the consequences. You’re looking for a quick fix and there isn’t one.”
His expression was bleak as he held her closer, his forehead pressed to hers. “But I can’t live without you. Maybe we can all move to Spartanburg for a few months.”
“You can’t believe that such a move would work. Your business is here. Our lives are here. You wouldn’t be happy living in Spartanburg. Emma is here now, and she has to stay here. You and Lisa are all she has, and together you’ll work through it,” she said, tilting her face to his.
“But what about us?”
“Isn’t that what we’re working on now?”
“Then what do we do?” he asked, touching her cheek, sending waves of desire spiraling through her.
She fought off the urge to succumb, to kiss him, to hold him... “I wish I knew. For me, it feels as if my life has been broken in ways I can’t fix. I feel as if you’ve turned your back on me.”
He held her shoulders in his powerful grip, his face a mask of shock. “No! I haven’t, Grace. Yes, I made a mistake, more than one. But I am not intentionally turning my back on you.”
“But I can’t get past the idea that when you were faced with the opportunity to claim your daughter, you put your needs ahead of mine. You shut me out.”
“Grace, I’m not shutting you out now,” he said, easing her head against his chest. The sound of his heart reverberated through her, tampering with her will.
Aidan stroked her cheek. “Grace, you mean everything to me,” he whispered, touching her cheek, eliciting a sigh of need.
As his dark eyes searched hers, he kissed each finger slowly and deliberately. “I want to make love to you all night. I want your skin on mine, our bodies together.” He nibbled on her lip, his mouth hot against her.
She sank into his embrace, her head spinning, her body angling closer to his. He smoothed her face, his breath warm, his eyes on her lips. “Grace, please,” he breathed as he pressed his body into hers. “Please.”
She fought for air, her heart tumbling in her chest. She wanted him, his skin, his body, his words, everything. As his gaze, simmering with passion, met hers, she faltered. There had never been a time when they didn’t enjoy each other’s bodies.
But she couldn’t help wondering if he’d held Deidre the way he was holding her now. Had he spoken similar words of endearment to Deidre before he made love to her?
“Aidan, we can’t do this,” Grace said, seeking to put a little space between them. She wanted him, needed him, but she couldn’t do this...not here...not now.
His face was lit by the setting sun, spotlighting his desire. “Grace, we need to find our way back to each other. We could always shut out the world and love each other. We need that now more than any other time,” he said, his deep baritone voice playing over her, toying with her resolve.
“Aidan, what we need is to work things out. To talk, to act differently. I can’t make love to you, not yet. When you’re close to me, I can’t stop myself from imagining you holding another woman.”
“That was five years ago, Grace,” he said, disappointment seeping through his words.
“Not for me,” she said. “I found out only a few weeks ago, so for me it feels as if it happened yesterday.”
Sighing, he pressed his lips into her forehead. “You’re right. This is not a good idea at all. I don’t want you to feel pressured,” he said. “I meant for us to simply spend the evening with each other. No expectations.”
Glancing down the beach, he said, “Let’s go into the hotel and have a drink. Maybe reminisce a little.” He took her hand and tucked it against his body.
She matched his stride as they walked. “I can’t remember the last time I was inside that hotel,” she said, allowing the evening to chase away her disturbing thoughts.
“The last time I was in this hotel was when we came here for dinner to celebrate our new office space. Do you remember that?” he asked, sounding completely in control, as if the past few minutes hadn’t happened.
“I do,” she said, matching his carefree tone, even though she wasn’t feeling very carefree. She felt as if she’d let him down, somehow. But maybe that was her guilt talking. She’d always done whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it.
At least going into the hotel bar might distract them enough that they’d keep the conversation light and upbeat.
“One of our first dates was at this beach, having hot dogs at the little takeout on the pier. That was one of the most memorable dates we had. I was so sure I’d blow it and you’d go off with Peter Woods and I’d be left holding the beach bag.”
“You’re kidding. Me and Peter Woods? Never,” she said playfully. “He wasn’t after me. He was after Sue Beck. Remember her?”
“Yeah. How I remember her...all that black hair,” he said, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye, a smile teetering on his lips.
“You told me you didn’t like her—you’re teasing me.”
“Of course I am. Wonder what we’ll find when we get to the bar. Probably a bunch of people staring at their cell phones.”
“And, of course, you’ve never stared at your phone,” she said, giving him a gentle poke in the ribs.
He laughed, pulled her close and kissed her. “Guilty...” His gaze caught hers, held her...and then he slowly looked away. “You can’t imagine the fantasy playing in my mind at the moment. You. Me. Our big four-poster bed...”
Struggling to recover from the force of his kiss, she said way too quickly, “I wonder if they’ve redecorated since we were here last.”
He took her hand and pulled her along with him. “I hope so. It wasn’t the most elegant bar I’ve ever been in.”
They entered the lobby of the hotel and went into the wide-open space of the bar. Taking a table by the window, they sat in deep, comfortable chairs across from each other, their hands touching casually.
She glanced around. The color scheme had changed from taupe and grays to mostly black and turquoise with splashes of white and cream. The room was filled with small tables along the windowed area, while the bar with high stools and tables occupied the rest of the space.
She liked the way they’d opened the bar up to be part of the lobby area. Young couples and singles milled about. “New color scheme.”
&nbs
p; “Different crowd. They seem a lot younger than I remember,” Aidan said.
“And you might be showing your age,” she teased. “I remember when we were in our twenties, when everything seemed possible...our ambition limitless.”
They ordered wine and continued to people watch. “This must be a popular bar by the size of the crowd.”
“We were here to a wedding reception once and there was a dance floor over there.” She pointed to the back of the room near the entrance. “I wonder if they ever have dances here.”
“No. This is probably a bar for hookups. People coming on vacation looking for a quick fling. I hear my staff talking about how dating works today. Were you aware that there are apps you can get for your phone that allows you to find someone to hook up with on a moment’s notice?”
Is that what you did? Did you and Deidre hook up in a bar like this one?
He said that they’d been working, but what if they went to a bar for a drink after work? She couldn’t stop the sudden rush of images. Her husband touching another woman, kissing her in public...laughing...sharing a joke. Deidre flirting with him, making it clear she wanted him. No strings attached. Just sex...
She felt the blood drain from her face. “How do you know that?” she asked, her voice sounding distant, not part of her body.
Surprise dawned on Aidan’s face. “I—I know because of some of the people I work with.”
“Is this how you and Deidre got together? Did you go to a bar?”
“No! We worked long hours together...” He rubbed his face with his hands, his eyes bleak as he met her desolate gaze. “Look, I never hang around bars when I am out of town. They don’t have any appeal for me. I eat in the dining room of the hotel, then head upstairs to work. I’ve always done that.”
“Except when you hooked up with Deidre,” she said, aware of how angry and judgmental she sounded, but she didn’t care. Seeing these people behaving in such a casual way, enjoying themselves—some of them probably cheating on their partners—made her want to throw up.
“Grace, talk to me,” Aidan said, taking her hand in his. “I’ve never been in a bar like this without you. I swear.”
“But you did have a casual relationship. How could you?”
Aidan put his hands in his lap, his face impassive, his tone quiet and controlled. “I’ve told you how it happened.”
“How do I know that what you’re saying is the truth? Look around. Whether innocent or not, these people are here for something besides a drink.”
“I swear to you. It only happened that one time, Grace,” he said, his gaze searching the room as he took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I brought you here if it reminds you of what happened. I’m truly sorry,” he said, defeat in his voice. “I think we should leave.”
Numbly, she followed him out to the car, her heart breaking. But she couldn’t help lashing out. And even worse, she was still so angry at him, at what he’d done and how it had destroyed her happiness. When they reached the car she slid into the seat, despair filling her.
Aidan climbed into the driver’s seat and started the car. “Grace, we have to resolve this somehow.” He gripped the wheel and stared straight ahead. “You are my life. I want you to be with me and with Emma. I want you to be part of everything we do. But if you and I can’t get past your fears...pain...what then?” he asked, his voice haggard.
“I just can’t believe that someone as caring as you are would have casual sex, Aidan. It’s not like you. That’s the part I can’t accept.”
“You’re right—it’s not like me at all. That’s my whole point. It was a onetime thing.”
“You say that, but I find it so hard to accept that you could be so indifferent about something so intimate. It makes me feel inadequate, as if I wasn’t enough for you.”
She swallowed against the futility of it all. This shouldn’t be happening. She longed for the days when they were excited and hopeful about having a baby, rather than this. This awful, hurtful experience that had destroyed her self-confidence and her trust in her husband. “Regardless of how you felt about everything going on with us and your work, why did you do something so demeaning to me, to our marriage?”
Aidan sighed. “I don’t know, Grace. I was lonely and working long, hard hours with her, eating in her office. We were together and suddenly... I... Things were all mixed-up in my head. It was a long time ago,” he murmured, pain and hurt flowing through his words.
She stared across the small space separating them and felt as if she were looking at a stranger. She didn’t know this man nearly as well as she thought she did, and it broke her heart. “I don’t know, either.”
His gaze met hers, his face drained of any emotion. “I’m out of ideas, Grace. Please help me figure out what to do.”
Grace felt sick. The marriage she’d dreamed of was about to disappear. “I have no idea.” Sadness wrapped around her heart, crushing her spirit. “I really have no idea how we’re going to work this out.”
“You know what frightens me the most?”
“What?” The desperation in his eyes made her fear his answer would make things worse.
How she wished she’d never said what she had said. It only made more trouble for them to deal with, adding to their problems, and maybe for no reason if he was telling the truth. And if he wasn’t, there was nothing she could do to alter the past and the hurt they’d both experienced, widening the gulf between them.
“I’m scared that we can’t fix this. That you will never forgive me for what I did. That Emma and I will live our lives without you. I wish things were good between us, the way they were. We were happy together, regardless of what happened these past few weeks. You have to admit that.” Turning, he pulled out of the parking lot. “I’ll take you to Lucas’s place, and bring your car back in the morning.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
THE DRIVE TO the house was easily one of the worst of Aidan’s life. He drove slowly, frustrating the drivers behind him, but he didn’t care. Her withdrawal from him was a physical, tangible thing. Every minute that passed took Grace farther out of his reach, away from their life together.
He struggled to think of something to say that would give him an opening, an opportunity to make one last try. She was still upset, and he didn’t blame her for that, but if they were to ever to get together again she had to help him find a way he could make it up to her.
He’d been glancing her way every couple of minutes, but she didn’t look at him. He wanted to pull over to try to reason with her, but hadn’t dared to do that, fearing that he’d only make things worse.
All he could do now was encourage her to call him tomorrow. He didn’t feel he could call her, under the circumstances.
When Aidan pulled into the entrance to Lucas’s condo building, Lucas was walking toward the door. He retraced his steps when he spotted Grace’s car. “Hey, sis. You’re back early,” he said, a quizzical frown on his face.
“I’ll explain later,” she said, not looking Aidan’s way. She picked up her purse and got out. “I’m really tired,” she said, hugging her brother.
“Talk to you tomorrow?” Aidan asked, aware that his brother-in-law would have a long talk with Grace tonight or tomorrow, then Lucas would call, demanding to talk to him.
Grace didn’t turn back, didn’t make eye contact or smile. “I’m sorry for tonight,” he said, hoping she’d at least say good-night.
Instead, she walked toward the condo building without turning back.
Lucas got into the passenger seat Grace had just vacated. “Okay, buddy, what did you do to my sister?”
“It didn’t go well,” Aidan said, feeling defeated.
“If you don’t make this right, you need your head read,” Lucas said, giving Aidan’s shoulder a light punch. “The last thing I expected was to have her show up looking like she’d been hit
by something.”
Aidan stared in surprise. “I would never—”
“Relax. I know you wouldn’t. But you are messing up badly. What is going on?”
“I don’t know. She won’t listen to me. She says I ruined everything, and she has no idea about how I can make it better. And I don’t, either. I’m going to lose her, Lucas. And I can’t seem to turn this around. I need your help.”
“You got it. But first, I want to check on Gracie, see if I can help her. Maybe I can get a handle on what’s happening with her. I might be able to sit down with you tomorrow if I can get out of going to Nashville again.”
Aidan’s heart sank at the stiff expression on Lucas’s face. Did he think that there had been other women besides Deidre? “Lucas, I didn’t have any other relationships. Deidre was the only one. I swear to you. Man-to-man. I never, ever, intended to do what I did. You have to believe me. I wouldn’t intentionally hurt Grace.”
“I’m not sure of anything where you’re concerned. You had everything a man could want, and you tossed it over for a fling with a stranger.” Lucas got out. “I think you should face facts. If you don’t put your wife first, you’re going to lose her.”
* * *
GRACE LEANED ON Lucas for support as they went into the building, wretchedness dragging her every step. She could still hear Aidan’s words of entreaty, proving he didn’t get it. She was hurting so badly, was so desperate to understand what had driven him to another woman. And yet when they needed each other, needed to share their feelings, to talk it all out, he was ready to give up on them rather than work to solve their problems.
When did feelings need a time frame? Why couldn’t he accept that nothing this serious was over and done with on a schedule? Her stomach ached at the memory of his words.
“You’ll be all right, Gracie, really,” Lucas said as he pressed the elevator button and the door closed behind them. “I’m getting you upstairs, then we’re going to have a talk about what’s going on with you and Aidan.”
“Please. No lectures. Not tonight. I’m too tired, and besides, there’s really no point.” She leaned against the wall as the stress of the evening washed over her. She could still feel Aidan’s body pressed to hers, his mouth on hers, desire for his touch flooding her senses.
Bringing Emma Home Page 18