Until It's Right

by Jamie Howard

  “I can do this,” Haley whispers under her breath. “I can do this.”

  A minute ticks by but she still hasn’t moved.

  I clear my throat. “You know, Brian has this trick he taught me. I know it may be hard to believe, but I get a little nervous when it comes to the fairer sex and, umm, asking them out and everything.” A small smile plays her about her lips, clueing me in to the fact that I’m getting through to her. I go on, “When I get unbearably nervous, I try and think of the worst-case scenario. Like literally, what is the absolutely worst way things could go right now?”

  “Huh.” She sucks in her lower lip while she thinks. “I guess the worst thing would be my mom freaking out on me for being here. She’ll yell, cause a scene, and we’ll turn around and leave. Except this time when I leave I’ll know that’s it’s over for good—my relationship with my family that is.”

  I so did not think this through.

  “Oh, uh, well…” I scratch my temple with my pointer finger. “This may not be the best exercise for this situation. See normally, I realize that the worst thing I can imagine isn’t really all that terrible and is worth the risk, but—”

  “No.” She nods. “I think it’s helping. I mean sure, would that be absolutely awful? Yeah. Would I be really upset that my family is cutting me out permanently? Definitely. But on the other hand, I’ll have done everything I can to try and make things right between us. And not going in there would be even worse. Then I’d just wonder forever what might have happened. Yeah, this is good.” She keeps nodding, but she’s stopped speaking, so I know whatever pep talk she’s giving herself is going on internally. Thank God. Totally thought I blew it.

  “Alright.” She pushes open her door. “Let’s do this.”

  Hurrying after her, I catch up by the time she makes it to the fence. From our new vantage point, we can see most of the backyard. Three round tables covered with pink tablecloths are spread out across the lawn, with more pink balloons weighed down in the middle as centerpieces. There’s another, thinner table closer to the house with a small pile of presents, and a handful of people mill around the yard.

  As if sensing our eyes, a young girl turns in our direction. From behind she looks like a skinny teenager, but once she’s facing us I realize she’s also the guest of honor. Her round belly sticks out in front of her like someone stuck a basketball underneath her dress. Even without that obvious hint of who she is, just one look at her face would tell me she and Haley are related.

  The similarities become more and more obvious as she stalks toward us. Oh boy. She does not look happy to see us. In fact, I can almost hear her grinding her teeth from here.

  I take an involuntary step backward when she flips the latch on the gate and throws it open. It squeals as it rocks on its hinges.

  “What are you doing here?” Beth hisses, throwing a glance over her shoulder to see if anyone’s noticed us yet.

  For the record, they haven’t.

  “I…” Haley straightens her shoulders. “I was invited.”

  “Invited?” She purses her lips and drops a hand to her hip.

  Haley echoes her pose. “Yes, invited.”

  These two may have missed out on a whole lot of sibling bonding time, but there’s no denying they’re sisters. They’ve got the whole sibling-spat thing down cold.

  Haley digs through her purse, pulls out her invitation, and hands it over.

  Her sister squints at it. “Did you do this?” She points to the rough edge where half of the invitation has been cut off.

  “No, I assumed you did when you put the invitation in the mail.”

  “Well, I certainly didn’t send it—”

  “I did.”

  Both of them whip around toward the newcomer, who if I was paying attention I’d have noticed standing just inside the gate. Dark brown hair that nearly matches her eyes is pulled back in a ponytail and streaked with gray. She folds her thin arms across her chest, bunching the flowery pattern of her dress. And wow does she look like Beth. Damn, it’s like looking into a mirror that shows the future. Minus the age difference, the two of them could be twins.

  “Seriously?” Beth waves the invitation through the air. “You invited her? Why?”

  The woman, who has to be their mom, shrugs. “It was time.” Then she turns around and heads back toward the party. There are several curious glances tossed in our direction, but for the most part no one’s paying any attention at all. They seem to be much more interested in the overflowing bowls of popcorn and pretzels that are laid out on the tables. When I notice the food, my stomach gives a quiet rumble and my nose picks out the scent of burgers charring on the grill.

  Brown eyes flash toward me, narrowing. “Who’s this?”

  Haley glances behind her, eyes widening like she just remembered I’m here. “Beth, this is my boyfriend, Kyle. Kyle, this is my sister Beth.”

  Regardless of the tense situation, a wave of excitement rolls through me at her casual use of the term boyfriend. I’m not sure I’ll ever get sick of hearing her say it.

  I hold out my hand. “Pleased to meet you.”

  Beth looks at my hand, shakes her head, and then turns on her heel and leaves.

  As the gate slams shut behind her, Haley blows out a breath and runs her hand through her hair. She tilts her head back to look at me, her lips almost smiling. “Well, at least it wasn’t our worst-case scenario.”

  Chapter 33

  Haley

  I feel lighter than I have in years. My heart is floating around my chest like one of these pink balloons that I can’t seem to stop from whacking me in the face. I’d be annoyed about it, but I’m too pleased with how the day is going to waste the effort.

  The party is winding down; guests are funneling out the gate back to their cars. A garbage bag sits off to the side of the house, practically exploding with torn wrapping paper. All the presents are neatly stacked on a table.

  I give the yard a quick sweep for Mom and Beth. They’re off toward the side of the house handing out hugs and thank-yous. Circling another empty table, I pile up a few used napkins and dirty plates, then carry them over to the garbage can and dump them in. Other than claiming responsibility for sending the invitation, Mom still hasn’t talked to me. Beth’s avoiding me like I’m carrying the plague. But neither of them have yelled at me; they haven’t told me to get lost, or ordered me off the property. I’m counting that as a win in my book.

  My plan, if you can call it that, is to wait them out. Hopefully, once everyone’s left it’ll just be us and whoever owns this house. I’m not keeping my fingers crossed for much, maybe just a five-minute conversation. And even if I don’t get that, it’s still more than I imagined I’d ever be leaving with today.

  Making my way back over to our table, I prop my hip against the edge and chuckle at Kyle¸ who’s sitting right where I left him. “You’ve still got baby food on your face.” I dab the corner of his mouth with a napkin.

  His face turns red. “I can’t believe they suckered me into that.”

  I try not to laugh again, but can’t help myself. It bubbles up through my throat and slips out between my pursed lips. As one of the shower games, they set up a baby-food taste test—that you had to do blindfolded and then guess the flavor. Of course since Kyle was the only guy in attendance, they wheedled him into it. His face when he tried the beef and then declared it was cat food almost made me pee my pants.

  He shakes his head at me, his mouth fighting against the smile that’s trying to sweep across his face. “You’re lucky I l … like you.”

  My grin freezes on my face at his stumble. He wasn’t going to say … ? No, no way. I shake away the thought.

  Instead I tell him, “So lucky.” I drop a kiss on his lips, lingering a few extra seconds and letting myself melt into him. “I don’t think I could have done this without you.”

  He rolls his eyes. “C’mon. We both know you would have come with or without me.”

  “Well
, yeah.” I shrug. “I probably could have powered through today by myself if I had to, but it was so much better with you here. But that’s not quite what I meant. It’s just, when we were talking about worst-case scenarios and what could go wrong? The only thing that really got me through it, past it, was knowing that no matter what happened here today I’d still have you.”

  He laces his fingers through mine. “That’s not changing anytime soon.”

  The look in his eyes steals my breath, sucking it right out of my body. Realization hits me like a sledgehammer—I don’t have to examine my feelings for Kyle too closely; I think I’ve known them all along. Whether I’m falling or fallen, love’s still a definite part of the equation.

  “Haley Jane.”

  I flinch a little at my mom’s voice, even though it’s warm and soft. My first instinct is to jerk my hand away from Kyle’s, but that’s just dumb. I’m not a teenager anymore, and I’m more than allowed to hold my boyfriend’s hand.

  Boyfriend. I still can barely wrap my mind around the word.

  “Mom.”

  She tilts her head toward the house. “Would you like to come inside? Say hello to your father?”

  “He’s … here?”

  “Well we do live here. Where else would he be?”

  They live here? I scan the house again, but from a new perspective. Everything is neat and clean—the grass is cut short, the flowers are blooming, the little house is well taken care of. My mind flashes back to the cramped apartment, Beth’s and my bunk beds, the tiny galley kitchen. I try to fit the puzzle pieces together from then till now, but too many of them are missing.

  I swallow through the rock that’s lodged itself in my throat. “I’d love to come in, thank you.”

  Following her, I step out of the bright sunlight, and inside. The smell of apples hits me on my way in, but I can’t tell if she’s been baking or it’s just a lit candle. I have to blink a few times before my eyes adjust, and then my gaze sweeps across the room as I try to absorb everything I’m seeing.

  Nothing is new, but everything is clean—from the white refrigerator that hums in the corner to the yellow-speckled floor, and the square wood table that’s dinged up on the top. Beth slumps down in one of the chairs, her hand dropping to the top of her stomach.

  My gaze flicks to the chair next to her, and my heart creeps up my throat, tears stinging my eyes. Dad’s gaze locks on to mine, and everything inside me freezes as I wait for his reaction. He looks the same. His hair is still cut short, but maybe with a touch more gray weaving its way through the light brown hair at his temples. The lines that have etched themselves into his face from his customary frown still work their way through his pale skin, though there are a few new ones around his mouth and eyes.

  Pressing his knuckles against the table, he rises from his chair. When he straightens, he can’t hide a small wince that tightens his lips. In two steps he’s standing in front of me, and I feel myself bracing for whatever he’s about to say.

  His arm slips around my shoulder in an awkward hug. “It’s good to see you, Haley.”

  Those six words make me want to bawl like a baby, but somehow I manage to hold myself together. “It’s good to see you too, Dad.”

  He steps back, taking the smell of Old Spice with him. “You still follow our team?”

  “Never stopped.”

  “You should come by some time. We could watch a game together. Like old times.” His eyes study me for a second, expression softening. “Don’t be a stranger anymore.” With a curt nod in Kyle’s direction, he disappears through the doorway.

  As soon as he’s out of hearing range, Beth snorts. “Give me a break.”

  “Elizabeth.” Mom sets a water bottle down on the table in front of her. “Mind your manners.”

  A spark of anger buzzes its way through me. “What is your problem?”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I supposed to be fawning all over the person who abandoned us?”

  Her words hollow out my stomach as effectively as a punch.

  “That’s a funny way to treat someone who didn’t blink at handing over money when you really needed it,” Kyle says, his words soft but outlined in steel.

  Mom whips her head toward Beth. “What money?”

  “Whatever.” Beth rolls her eyes. “Like she can’t afford it.”

  “That is not the point—”

  “You accepted her charity. Why can’t I?” She turns her glare in my direction. “At least then she’s good for something.” She shoves up from the table and brushes by me, the full effect of her dramatic exit only diminished by her slow gait. The screen door slams shut behind her with a snap.

  Mom drops her head into her hands, then smooths them over her hair.

  Sneakers scuff across the floor. “Mommy? What’s wrong?” A teddy bear dangles from one hand, its feet nearly scraping the linoleum. Big blue eyes turn up in my direction, a small frown marring her delicate features.

  “It’s alright, Chelsea.” Mom holds out a hand toward her, and the little girl—my sister—hurries over to her and curls into her lap. “Beth’s just in one of her moods.”

  Chelsea giggles, showing off a smile that’s missing one front tooth. “She’s so grumpy.”

  Mom kisses her on the top of the head, then turns her attention toward me. “Beth took it really hard after you left. I can’t say I really helped matters, but I think by now we both know I handled the situation pretty poorly.”

  A thousand questions rush to the tip of my tongue—Why did you stop cashing the checks? Why didn’t you ever call? How are you living here?— but in the end, I’m not even able to force one of them out. My mind is too busy shifting facts around, looking at things from a different point of view. From Beth’s point of view.

  Everything clicks into place.

  She thinks I abandoned her.

  And I did, didn’t I? In all of the things I considered, I never really thought about how much my leaving might affect her. It must have. Her whole world would have been turned upside down and I wasn’t there for her.

  With a mumbled “Excuse me,” I slip past Kyle and back outside.

  Beth glances up from where she’s sitting at one of the empty tables. The tablecloth flaps around her legs, tugging at its bindings. “Oh good, you’re leaving.”

  I ignore her comment and pull out the chair next to her. “I left you behind.”

  She flinches, but tries to hide it. “No kidding.” Glancing down at her nails, she almost pulls off looking bored. The clenched muscle in her jaw gives her away. “If you’re going to apologize, make it quick. I’ve got better things to do than listen to your bullshit excuses.”

  I’ve spent years carrying around so much guilt that the weight of it made me feel two feet shorter and fifty pounds heavier. But something Kyle said to me stands out in my thoughts, like a piercing ray of sunshine through an overcast sky. “I’m not going to make excuses, but I was just a kid, Beth. The only thing I could think about was getting out of there and making a life for myself.”

  “Right, because the life you had was so sucky you couldn’t wait to escape. Your family wasn’t enough to make you stick around.” She turns away from me, sinking her teeth into her lower lip to keep it from trembling.

  I blow out a breath, trying to rein in my emotions. “I never thought that leaving would mean losing you. Losing everyone.”

  “And if you knew then what you know now, that walking out the door would mean not seeing us, not speaking to us for years, would you still do it?” She finally turns to look at me, and I wish she hadn’t. A tear spills out of the corner of her eye, snaking down her cheek, and then dripping off her chin.

  My stomach twists as I consider her question. The truth is: I don’t know.

  She sniffs, her expression hardening. “That’s what I thought.”

  “Beth, that’s not fair.” I rub my hands over my face. “What would you have done in my position? Would you have stayed? Would you have given it all up? Yo
u know what it was like then.”

  “Yeah, I know what it was like.” She grits her teeth. “And I know what it was like after you left, too. Things went from bad to a hell of a lot worse before they got any better.”

  “I wish I could have been there for you. I wish things were different. I wish … well, I wish a lot of things, but I can’t change the past. The only thing I can do is apologize and try to make things right. I’m sorry Beth. I’m really sorry.”

  The anger drains from her face slowly, and her gaze dips until she’s studying the grass. The blades bend against the breeze. “An apology isn’t enough to make up for what you did.”

  “Well that’s … that’s up to you.” I clench my teeth together, trying to hold back the surge of emotion. “I love you and I’m here if you need me. Nothing’s going to change that.”

  The chair squeaks as I stand up, and when I turn around, I find Kyle watching us from just inside the door. He turns and must say something, because a few moments later the door swings open. Kyle and Mom step outside.

  He steps toward me first, his eyes scanning my face. Are you okay? he mouths.

  I nod. Time to go, I mouth back.

  Mom divides a glance between me and Beth, her lips sharpening into a line. “Give her time,” she says quietly, laying her hand on my arm.

  That simple touch breaks me. All the heartache and tears I’ve been holding back for the past hour rush at me, overwhelming me until I can barely breathe. I don’t think about it. I just step forward and throw my arms around my mom’s neck. In the next breath, she’s clasping me back just as fiercely.