The Commitment Test (The Marin Test Series Book 2)

by Aksel, Amanda

  “So this is him, huh?” he asked, examining the photo.

  “Yep.” I gave a polite smile from across the room.

  “He’s a good looking guy. I just hope he knows how lucky he is.”

  “Lucky that he’s good looking?” I asked.

  Jack chuckled. “No, lucky to have you.”

  I looked away. Did James know how lucky he was to have me? He certainly hadn’t acted like it today.

  “It’s so quiet. Can we put on some music? Where’re your CDs?” He began opening my cabinets for the missing music.

  “CDs?” I scoffed.

  “We’re old friends. We should listen to music the old way.”

  “Second cabinet on the right.” I motioned to my stash, and watched him out of the corner of my eye as he sorted through the few CDs I’d kept after converting everything to digital.

  “You kept this one?” he asked, pulling out one of my favorites from an infamous pop princess.

  “It’s a classic, Jack. You just wait,” I joked.

  “Oh, my God. You still have this?” He pulled a white case with a picture of the singer and his guitar.

  “Of course. I love Mayer,” I said.

  “You used to have this on all the time. I still think of you any time I hear these songs.” He opened the case and placed the CD carefully in my DVD player. The only place left in my apartment to play the discs. Just the scratchy sound of a guitar and it was as if we had been transported back to my dorm room, me in a t-shirt and panties, lying on my stomach, reading my anatomy text, Jack in his underwear studying at my desk.

  “Good times, huh?” he said.

  “Yeah.” I smiled. After that, we packed in silence. Not an empty, awkward silence, but a comfortable peace. Track after track, we filled boxes with my belongings. Then, as our old song filled the room, his gaze caught mine and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was. How had we gotten here?

  He opened his mouth as if to speak, but instead turned back to his task. My heart pounded, wishing he would say something. Do something, something that would give me some answers or at least a sign about what to do.

  A moment later, almost as if he had heard my thoughts, he put down my white pillar candle and began moving toward the bar where I was wrapping my glassware. With each step he took, I grew tense and weak.

  “Don’t do this,” he said with a frustrated look.

  “Do what?” My heart began to race.

  “This.” He waved his finger around the moving boxes. “Move in with me instead.”

  “Are you serious?”

  And crazy?

  “Yes. Every time I wrap something in paper, I think to myself ‘that would look nice in my place, or she would look nice in my place.’ I think the reason we keep running into each other is because we’re supposed to be together.”

  “Why would we want to be together?” I said. “We’re not the same people we once were. Besides, I’m with someone and you don’t even want kids.” I walked to the other side of the bar, keeping my distance.

  He followed behind. “I do. You make me want a family.”

  Was he saying that he changed for me? If I could change Jack’s mind, couldn’t I change James’?

  “Seeing you again brought up all those old feelings. I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.”

  I searched his eyes for the old Jack, the Jack I loved. Somewhere buried deep inside, did I still love him too? Could I love him again?

  Next thing I knew Jack knelt before me, holding my hand tightly in his. My heart pounded and my stomach fluttered.

  “I know it sounds crazy, but I think we should do this. You and me. If you want marriage, then we’ll get married. We’ll have a baby. We’ll be a family like we always talked about when we were together.”

  “Jack . . . I can’t.”

  “Why not?” He looked desperate.

  “You know why not.” I felt dizzy. Was this really happening? “Look, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I love my boyfriend.”

  “What if that’s all he’ll ever be, huh? Your boyfriend. I’m offering you a whole life. Everything you’ve ever wanted.”

  “There’s nothing between us.” I pulled my hand away and walked toward the door.

  “That’s a lie and you know it.”

  “Fine. Maybe there is still something, but it’s not enough,” I said.

  “It could be more, just give us a chance,” he begged.

  “I can’t, Jack. You have to go.” I turned the doorknob and he took my face in his hands. I looked into his sad, sweet eyes for a second before looking away.

  He tried to bring my gaze up. “Please, Marin, don’t let this second chance slip away. Please.”

  He leaned in and I watched his mouth inch closer to mine. I wanted to stop him, but the pull between us was too strong. Jack’s lips touched mine and I let them. The sensation was different than it had been when we were together years earlier, different in an unfamiliar sort of way.

  “Stop,” I said. “I can’t do this. You have to go. Now!” I pushed him out the door while he tried to argue his way back. I slammed it, locked the deadbolt, and fastened the chain. My face felt hot and my stomach twisted in pangs of remorse.

  I slid down my door and curled into myself. What had just happened? A moment later, tears burst from my eyes, and I cried on the floor for a while. Eventually, I took a deep breath and found my cell. My hands shook as I sent Telly an urgent text to come over as soon as possible.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  The Commitment Test

  An hour later, Telly was at my door and I invited her inside.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, sounding worried.

  “I need to tell you something, and I hope you won’t judge me for it,” I said as she slipped off her heels.

  “Please, I’m the unmarried, knocked-up one. What’s up?”

  “I kissed my ex-boyfriend today. Well, he kissed me.” I covered my mouth with my hands.

  “Are you talking about Chad?”

  “Fuck no!” I snapped. “I’m talking about Jack, my college boyfriend.”

  “Oh, yeah, you told me about him before. What happened? I thought you hadn’t seen him since you left medical school.”

  I let out a long sigh. “We ran into each other a few weeks ago when I was in San Diego.” I bit my lip.

  “Really?” She rested her chin on her hand, waiting for me to tell the whole story. “Is he hot?”

  “He’s gorgeous. He’s a cosmetic surgeon for God sakes.”

  “So what happened?”

  “James and I had a fight, then Rachel came over to confess her affair.”

  Telly gasped. “Rachel cheated on David? No way!”

  I nodded. My shocked expression mirroring Telly’s.

  “Wow, I have a lot more respect for little miss goodie-two-shoes. That’s how I would have handled it.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Anyway, I was really upset, so I went for a run and ran into Jack. Again.”

  “Again?”

  “Yeah, he’s popped up a few times.”

  “That’s weird.”

  “Right?”

  “So we ended up having a drink, then I invited him here to help me pack, and the next thing I know, he’s down on one knee proposing marriage!”

  She raised her eyebrows. “Marin, you have to stay away from this guy. He sounds crazy.”

  “He’s not crazy. He’s just . . . passionate.”

  “Does James know?” Telly asked.

  “Know what? That another guy wants me worse than he does?”

  “No, I mean, does he know you’ve seen him?”

  “He only knows about the couple of times in San Diego.”

  Telly smirked. “Well, well, well. Look at you being all sneaky.”

  My cheeks flushed with shame. “I’m so confused. On one hand I love James, but I don’t think he ever wants to remarry. And I feel like I shouldn’t have to give up on marriage. Meanwhile, J
ack’s willing to give me everything I want.”

  “I hope you’re not thinking of taking him up on his offer?” She pursed her lips with attitude.

  “No. I dunno. Maybe I should. Like you said, it’s weird how he keeps popping up. Like the universe is purposefully pushing him toward me. I can’t ignore that. But I love James and I want him. Now I’m thinking that maybe he’s not the one for me. Maybe we shouldn’t be buying a house together. Maybe there’s someone else out there for me.”

  “Like Jack?”

  “Maybe.” I covered my face in my hands. “I can’t even believe I’m saying these things. What do you think?”

  “I think you should bang this Jack guy and whoever’s better is probably the one.”

  I lightly shoved her shoulder. “I’m serious. I need help.”

  “I can see that.” Telly made a face. “You should talk to James. Tell him what you’re afraid of.”

  “I know I should, but I’m afraid that I’m right, and I’m afraid that I’ll have to walk away.”

  “Then you walk away. This is your life. You need to do what’s best for you, because ultimately you’re the one who has to live with your decisions.”

  I gnawed on my lip. “Have you made a decision?” I gestured at her belly, which was still flat as a board.

  “Yeah.” Her eyes met mine and her silence said it all. She wasn’t going to keep the baby.

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I’m sure. I have an appointment tomorrow.”

  “Do you need me to take you?” Though, I knew Telly felt it was the right thing for her. I hated the idea that she had to go through with it. How awful.

  “No, I’ve made other arrangements.” Telly dropped her head and played with her nails.

  “Will?”

  “Yeah,” she said, still not looking up.

  “How’s he taking all of this?” I scooted closer to her.

  “He wants me to keep it, but I told him my body, my decision.”

  “Good argument. That’s why you’re such a great lawyer.” I smiled and nudged her with my shoulder.

  “And that’s why I’ll get to stay one.”

  The next afternoon, James was at my door, looking serious, almost angry.

  “We need to talk,” he said, taking a seat on my couch.

  My heart thumped against my chest and I swallowed a hard lump in my throat. I sat next to him, keeping my distance so I could see his face.

  “I know,” I uttered.

  “You’ve been weird since Easter, maybe even a little before then.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.” I lowered my head.

  “What’s going on? Is it the house? Do you feel like we made the commitment to buy too soon?”

  “You’re kidding, right? My problem isn’t commitment. My problem is lack of commitment.” I stood up, ready to hash it out.

  “What do you mean?” He looked so clueless, I almost felt bad for him.

  “Do you remember our last night in Mexico, when you gave me the band-aid cuff?” He nodded. “I thought you were going to propose that night. I’ve been waiting for you to propose since Christmas and I’m afraid I’ll always be waiting.”

  James said nothing.

  Where was his band-aid now? “I don’t want to be one of those people who gets their heart broken slowly over time. If it’s not gonna happen you should be honest. Tell me right now that you don’t want to marry me.” A tear rolled down my cheek.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to marry you.”

  “Right, you just don’t want to marry anyone. Why?”

  “I don’t trust it. Look what happened to me, what happened to you, what’s happening to Rachel and David, it’s a curse.”

  “It’s not a curse if it’s the right person.” I cried and he looked into my eyes in a way that made my heart plummet into my stomach. I shook my head and looked away. “You don’t know if I’m the right person. If you did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

  “Marin, listen to me,” he grabbed my shoulders like he wanted me to really hear him. “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I love you and I want to be with you for as long as it lasts. For whatever it brings. Can’t that be enough?”

  “I thought it could, but I don’t know anymore.” My eyes were flooded with fresh tears. How had it come to this? This wasn’t what I’d planned.

  “What are you saying?” His expression looked panic-stricken.

  “I don’t know what I want. Maybe I need more than you’re willing to give. I definitely know that I need some time to figure things out.”

  “How much time?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “What about the house?”

  “You don’t need me to buy that house.” My tears slowed and I felt the end was coming. I’d have to say goodbye to any future I had with James.

  “But I do need you.” He squeezed my arms tighter.

  “I don’t think you do,” I said, and released myself from his grip. I couldn’t look at him.

  “Are you sure about this?” he asked.

  I nodded, keeping my eyes on the floor, but I saw him maneuvering around the boxes as he walked slowly toward the door. As much as I didn’t want him to walk out, I had to let him.

  “I think this is a mistake, but I’ll give you the time you think you need. I love you, Marin.” With that, he closed the door and was gone.

  “I love you too,” I blubbered to myself and broke down onto a pile of moving boxes. How had I gotten to this place? I thought about that day in Katie’s office when she told me about her divorce. Maybe she was right. Sometimes you’re just disappointed.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Breakups and Makeups

  I showed up to Telly’s with ice cream and a bottle of wine. I figured that between her loss and mine, we could sulk together. She opened the door and looked surprised to see me.

  “I’m still pregnant,” she said, but I barely registered the words.

  “James and I broke up.” I held up the coping mechanisms I brought with me.

  “You win.” She let me inside and reached for the ice cream.

  “I guess this is just for me, then.” I walked to the kitchen, placed the wine on the counter, and rummaged in a drawer for the bottle opener.

  “But I can eat some of this.” Telly examined the nutritional facts on the carton. “I’m gonna get fat anyway. Might as well enjoy myself for once.”

  I poured myself a glass as quickly as I could fill it and downed it even quicker.

  “What happened? Did you tell him about Jack?” she asked.

  “No, I told him I needed some time.”

  “I’m so sorry,” she said and rubbed my shoulder as I began to cry for what felt like the millionth time since it had happened.

  “Me too. I just wish I was enough to change his mind.”

  “You mean change him?” she asked, and I nodded, covering my face. “That’s the lie we like to believe. Women think they can change men, and men think their woman will never change.”

  I sobbed some more, sipping intermittently.

  “Marin, you did the right thing.”

  “Then why don’t I feel good about it?”

  “Because you love him. And it just happened. Give it some time. You’ll work it out.”

  “So you didn’t go through with the abortion?” I wiped my tears away.

  She shook her head and flashed a small smile.

  “What changed your mind?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll change it again before it’s too late. But I’ve done this before. In college. Even though I know it was the right thing to do, it still haunts me. I didn’t think it would matter, but it did. Now that I’m older and can actually provide for a child, I think it would haunt me more. I just couldn’t do it.”

  “What does Will think?”

  “Oh, my God, he’s ecstatic, and if I’m being honest. I’m kinda excited too.” She rubbed he
r hand on her belly and I put my hand on top of hers.

  “Telly, you’re having a baby!” I smiled and turned on the waterworks again.

  “I’m having a baby. It sounds so weird.”

  I took her hand and squeezed it. “It’s gonna be great. I know it. I’m gonna help you with anything you need.”

  “Thanks. I appreciate that.” Telly pulled a couple bowls from a cabinet and began scooping ice cream while I made myself comfortable at the table. “When was the last time you talked to Holly?” she asked.

  “The night we found out you were pregnant. Why?”

  “She called. She’s worried about you. You really should talk to her about all this.”

  I sighed and frowned. “I know.”

  “Why don’t you ask her to come over and join us?” Telly suggested.

  I pulled out my phone, but hesitated to dial. “You think?”

  Telly stuck a spoonful of ice cream in her mouth. “Mmhmm, call her,” she said. So I called Holly to come over and we waited for her.

  “I really appreciate your support with this pregnancy,” she said.

  “Of course, you’re my best friend.” I smiled.

  “So is Holly, and I think you need to show her the same support with her engagement. That’s what friends do,” Telly said in a stern manner.

  I shot her an astonished look. “You know, you’re gonna be good at this mom thing.”

  “I know, right? I’m gonna be the coolest mom ever.” Telly did a little sexy dance and I smirked.

  When Holly showed up she walked in hesitantly and kept a fair distance. Telly gave her some ice cream and a glass of wine and told her about the pregnancy. Holly was shocked, but overjoyed for her. Then they turned to me.

  “Marin, is there something you want to say to Holly?” Telly asked.

  I gave Holly an apologetic look. “I’m sorry about the way I’ve been acting. I haven’t been fair, but I want you to know that I love you and I want you to be happy. If that means you and Noom get married then I totally support it, and I’m going to make a real effort to get to know him.”

  “Thank you,” Holly said softly. “That means a lot to me.” She gently squeezed my hand.