The Soul Room

by Corinna Edwards-Colledge

  I struggled free and managed to get onto my hands and knees. It felt as if the whole of my insides were clamouring to fall out of me.

  'Surrender to it Maddie!' I heard Nonna say as if from very far away. 'Surrender to it. You can do it, your body, your bones, they know what to do, listen to them - go with them. John, support her head…’ Only half aware of what was happening outside of my body, I sensed John kneel down to face me. Nonna placed my arms around his broad neck so I could come off all fours and rest my head on his shoulder. It made holding the position so much easier, meant I could focus on the contraction rather than the pressure on my hands.

  Astonishingly, my breathing practice came back to me and I started to control my breath, steady in through my nose, long breath out through my mouth. I rode the contractions, bucking my back and howling like a sick dog; and then the need to push, my groin burning as the head started to descend. I was roaring now, roaring like a lion. I was dimly aware of Nonna, constantly reassuring me, and John letting me shout and wail into his shoulder, feeling his breath warm on the back of my neck as he whispered encouragement.

  And then there came a point that I thought I couldn't go on, when I just wanted it all to stop, felt like I was going to split in two. But there they were again, Nonna and John, kissing me, telling me they were proud of me, that I was brave and wonderful; and I thought - perhaps I can do it. In my heart, I called to my Mother and asked her to help me, to help me be strong; as she had been; and I heard Nonna shout that she could see the head, and I let out a last roar, and I cried, and then the rest of the body came, slipping out easily like a fish. Nonna picked up my baby tenderly and John supported me until I was leaning against the sofa so that Nonna could lay him on my chest. Then he slowly opened his eyes, and they were black, and yet bright, deep and yet opaque, full and at the same time, empty; and I felt love explode out of me and blind me; and still he looked at me and clasped and unclasped his little fingers, and then he started to cry.

  I woke up in a room I didn't recognise, a large, airy room with luxurious furniture. I guessed I must be upstairs in one of the grand guest bedrooms. I knew Jacopo was asleep on me, I could feel his delicious weight against my chest, but I wouldn't look at him. Not just yet. I could hardly believe that we had both survived, at times it had felt like this birth, and death, were so close together that there was little more than a piece of tissue paper between them.

  I closed my eyes and went to shift my position. I knew it was going to hurt. Nonna’s Doctor had come from the village to deliver the placenta (it seemed an outrage at the time - to expect me to push anything else out!) but it had been easier than I expected. I'd needed a few stitches too, that had hurt almost as much as the birth, despite the local anaesthetic. and I was now really sore. It all seemed so far away though now - part of another life - and he was here, he was definitely here, his little bare chest pushing against mine as he breathed gently. And still I didn't look at him.

  My head swam with the events of the last few days; the drama and unlikelihood. And yet nothing seemed more incredible, more impossible than what I had just done - given birth - that an extra being was now here, out with me in the world. I felt the warm pressure of the sun on my face and opened my eyes to see a great shaft of it falling through the room and onto the bed.

  Finally I looked down. Saw the sleekness of his hair, plastered in dark swirls on his skull like seal fur; his little face, tightly shut, and red as an apple against the whiteness of my breast; his hand, curled softly under my chin. I wanted to shout out, to cry, to leap up and dance a jig, but instead I brought my right hand up to cup his face and let my breath out in a slow shudder of excitement.

  There was a soft knock at the door and Dan appeared. As soon as he saw us he burst into tears. I motioned him over to the bed and he sat beside me and held my hand. For a while he couldn't speak, great fat tears falling onto his jeans and leaving dark pools on the pale denim. I felt calm, magnanimous, in love with the world. I stroked his hand and waited for him to recover.

  After a few moments he shuddered and wiped his face with his sleeve and looked at us. He reached out a long dark finger and stroked Jacopo's cheek. 'You both look so beautiful, like Madonna and child. I wish I had my phone back so I could take a picture.' Jacopo sighed and screwed up his face even tighter.

  'Some memories are far too special to be recorded.'

  He smiled and looked out at the window, at the bright day growing azure as it headed towards the afternoon.

  'Fabrizio asked to see me before the police took him away.'

  'What did he say?

  'Nothing, his mouth moved as if he was going to speak, but nothing came out.’

  'How did he seem?'

  'He was sorry...I think.'

  'What about Rosa?'

  'I don't know.'

  'I don't think she would have gone through with it. Not in the end. Poor Nonna, she loses her favourite grandson and now her daughter is involved in this.'

  ‘She’s still at the police station, waiting to see what they're going to do with Rosa. She’ll be back as soon as she can.'

  ‘So there are some police that can be trusted then?’

  ‘That’s thanks to Mario. He gave John the names of all the local officers Fabrizio hadn’t been able to corrupt. A colleague of John’s sorted things out at regional level. There’ll be a big enquiry, and Fabrizio’s accounts have all been frozen until they’ve investigated him properly. He had three local accomplices; as well as false imprisonment, all of that, one of them is being done for impersonation – he’s the one that pretended to be Dan and flew to Serbia. They had a contact in customs – eased his passage you could say. Anyway, enough of that, all we need to know right now is that you and the little guy are doing really well.’

  ‘Where is John? I want him.’

  ‘He’s still at the station, you’ll see him later. Now for goodness sake, just rest.’

  'OK little bro. I promise to have a nap after you've gone, and eat all my greens.'

  'I can’t help thinking, if Mum had spoken out and exposed Fabrizio straight away after the rape, none of this would have happened.'

  'The past is at the end of a very long thread Dan. She had no way of knowing where it would lead. She thought she was protecting us.'

  'Of course she did, I know that; and you wouldn't have come to Italy last summer if she had, and Jacapo wouldn’t even exist.’

  I stroked the tiny hand and it closed around my finger, like a fern frond.

  ‘Oh, I , when I saw Nonna, she said to tell you that Jacopo was her father's name. She said you'd understand.’

  The afternoon moved on in a delicious, uneventful round of dozing, feeding and nappy changing. Nonna fussed over Jacopo and brought me little dishes of food (which I wolfed down greedily) and cup after cup of sweet tea, which seemed to revive me, to symbolically replace something that had leaked out.

  In the early evening, as the sky outside the room became streaked with lurid sunset clouds, John finally came. He had been stuck at the local police station giving his statement for several hours, watching the Terranima constabulary arguing the toss with the Roma police.

  Jacopo was feeding, he slipped off my breast and started to cry. I repositioned him, wincing as he clamped back on and started to suck. I was happy to notice that I didn’t feel self-conscious in front of John. Maybe it was because it was John, maybe it was because my body was engaged in a higher purpose, and that meant that modesty and embarrassment were temporarily suspended.

  He pulled a chair up to the bed, leant his forearms on his giant thighs so that he was on my level and looked at me steadily. ‘Are you OK? I was so scared that you wouldn’t make it, that the little one wouldn’t make it.’

  ‘We’re fine, we really are.’

  ‘When we realised he’d drugged you we thought that was it. And then you just came round. I don’t know how you found the strength.’

  ‘I found somewhere, somewhere inside me that help
ed me fight it.’

  ‘It was like that, watching you; as if you were struggling out of dark water.’

  I shuddered. ‘Thank you for getting here so quickly, I don’t think we would have made it if you hadn’t.’

  He smiled and reached over and stroked my cheek. ‘I’ve been ready to move for days now. Me and your Dad met up, we had a drink. He told me about why you had gone to Italy in the first place; your depression, everything you’ve been through over the last few years. He told me all about Sergio, Nonna, the family, and that you suspected Fabrizio was involved in Dan’s disappearance. I knew you wouldn’t let me come with you, especially after what happened between us before…but I knew I couldn’t let you do it alone, whatever it was you were planning.

  I’ve spent some of my time looking into Fabrizio more carefully, I did a bit of digging, chatted to a few people. I found out that the Rome police have had their eye on him for some time; financial irregularities, dealing with some less than savoury characters, that kind of thing.’

  ‘Dan found that out too.’

  ‘He did well considering he’s not in the police, doesn’t have our networks.’

  ‘Let’s say he knows a few unsavoury characters himself!’

  John raised his eyebrows. ‘I won’t ask.’

  ‘So what happened then?’

  ‘Nonna called me, about two in the morning. She was feeling anxious, couldn’t sleep; she went down for a drink and found your note. She had a bad feeling about Fabrizio even before you told her you thought he was involved in Dan’s disappearance. She didn’t like how he ran his business, or the proprietorial way he talked about his future grandson, but she could never prove anything.’ He sighed and shifted position in his chair.

  Jacopo had finished feeding and fallen asleep. My back was aching from holding him so tightly, so I laid him gently on the bed beside me, then pulled the covers up round my neck. John took hold of my hand. ‘Nonna was devastated when you disappeared.’

  I looked away for a moment. ‘I shouldn’t have done that I know. It was stupid. I’m sorry for the worry I caused. The danger I put Jacopo in.’

  ‘When I got to Nonna’s she was ready to go; she’d had a call from Mario, he couldn’t go on helping Fabrizio once he saw you were pregnant.’

  ‘I saw him fighting with Lorenzo, when I was in the living room, before I lost consciousness.’

  ‘He told Nonna that Fabrizio was planning to move you and Dan that evening, that no-one, not even Mario, or any other of Fabrizio’s local hoodlums knew where to. He said you were being blackmailed into giving Fabrizio your baby. There was no time, we had to come straight away. Mario swore he would protect you, watch over you. He contacted some local police, officers he knew Fabrizio hadn’t been able to corrupt.’

  ‘It's amazing that he did that, when he knew he’d be arrested himself!’

  John nodded and squeezed my hand tightly. ‘Turns out his wife was pregnant too, that’s why he couldn’t bear to see how you were being treated’. I squeezed his hand back, looked down at Jacopo and marvelled at how he had managed to make it into the world safely after all, that we had made it through together. Without Mario, the man I had hit, that might never have happened. I felt a surge of guilt.

  ‘He raped her you know? Fabrizio raped my mother, that’s how Dan was...’

  ‘I know, Nonna told me.’

  ‘I hate him, I hate him so much.’

  ‘Some people are just wired wrong Maddie. I’ve seen it a lot in my job. They’re not in the majority, thank God, but something goes wrong when they’re little. They never grow up properly; always believe that the world is there for them to take what they want from.’

  I nodded, stroking Jacopo’s arm. He cooed softly.

  'I love you Maddie, do you know that? It might sound crazy, we’ve spent so little time together, but I do.'

  ‘I love you too. I’ve known it since that day you walked out on me, after we kissed.'

  He started to speak but seemed to lose confidence, leant his head in his hands, revealing his bald patch. I wondered how it could be that I could love a bald patch? That was what love was, I supposed, you come to love everything about the person. Things that might not have been attracted to before, mysteriously transform into being beautiful.

  'So do we go on as before?' I said, trying to stay calm but my voice betraying me. ‘I know this is hardly the right time, I must be crazy, I’ve just had a baby but…I don’t think I can stand it if you don’t explain why you ran out on me that day. I’ve lived with guessing about it and worrying about if for weeks now. I thought I’d just forget you, forget it ever happened, but I couldn’t.’

  ‘I’ll explain why I did what I did, I promise, I’ll tell you everything. But can I sleep for a while Maddie? I haven’t closed my eyes for 24 hours.’

  I nodded and pulled back the covers on the other side of the bed. He kicked off his shoes and laid down gratefully on his side, facing Jacopo who was still sleeping peacefully between us. John gently kissed his tiny cheek and within seconds was fast asleep himself.

  As I descend this time I know it is going to be the last. The sound of the sea hushes through the room like a choir; he has gone, there is a sense of peace and stillness. I wander around the room, stroking the columns as I go past, leaning against the glass of the windows, steaming them up with my breath. I want to take in everything about this room, I know I won’t be here again. Eventually I sit in one of the window seats and look out. It is a clear night, and moonlight falls across the black sea, bright as a blade.

  I woke to hear Jacopo starting to fret and burrow at my chest. I sat up and positioned him to feed. John was still sleeping. I studied his big dear face, so relaxed and still in the half-light. I reached down and gently traced the line of his jaw. Unexpectedly he woke up, rubbed at his face and smiled.

  ‘Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up.’

  ‘It’s ok, I’m glad you did.’

  There was a gentle knock, the door opened a fraction and Nonna peeped through. ‘Can I? Entrare?’

  I smiled. ‘Of course Nonna.’

  ‘I heard the bambino, I thought I would bring you a drink.’ She came silently into the room with a cup of something steaming in her hand. She sat on the edge of the bed, nodded at John and grinned. ‘Buonasera signore.’ John smiled back, a little awkwardly. ‘I’ve brought you a little warm spiced wine and water. It is an old remedy, to help you relax, help the milk come.’

  ‘Sounds good to me!’ I took the cup gratefully, the scent of cardomon and cinnamon emanated pleasantly from it.

  ‘Much has happened Maddie, Tsoro.’

  I put the cup down, ‘It has. Thank you Nonna. I don’t know how to repay you, to show you how grateful I am.’

  Nonna looked troubled. ‘When you hear what I have to say, you may think I have not done so much.’

  John reached over and put his hand on her arm, ‘Of course not, Nonna - ’

  Nonna shook her head. ‘I have known some of what was to happen to you Maddie, and yet I let you walk straight in to the wolf’s lair. I did not stop you.’

  ‘You couldn’t have stopped me, you didn’t know I was going to do it! It’s my responsibility, only mine.’

  ‘I saw you, I saw you in a room with Dan, an underground room.’

  John shot me a look, ‘what does she mean?’

  The penny dropped. ‘She means she saw it in her mind. She has a gift, many of Nonna’s family have, over the years, Sergio had it too.’

  ‘A gift?!’ John’s face was incredulous.

  Nonna looked down at her hands. ‘Sometimes we can see beyond what others see. What is hidden, or what is yet to come. You do not get to choose though, what you see, or when. It simply happens. I saw you Maddie, but I didn’t know how to warn you. I should have called the police then, got them to search the house.’

  ‘That wouldn’t have worked Nonna; most likely it would have been one of Fabrizio’s cronies that you called, and Dan would have
been moved within minutes. I would never have seen him again.’

  Nonna shrugged, there were tears in her eyes.

  ‘I mean it Nonna. It had to happen this way, for us all to come out safely.’

  ‘But you could have died! Both of you could have died! If I hadn’t woken up in time to see your note…’ Nonna started to cry.

  I disengaged Jacopo from my breast gently, passed him to John. His face was alert with questions, but he took him carefully and said nothing. Jacopo carried on sleeping; blissfully unaware.

  ‘You did your best Nonna, this wasn’t your fault. There’s something wrong with Fabrizio, there always has been.’

  ‘I wish my daughter had never met him! I wish she had never become an…Amarena!’ She spat out the last word.

  ‘But then there would never have been Sergio, there would never have been Jacopo.’

  ‘This is the only blessing.’ Nonna kissed me on the forehead. ‘I will leave you again, you two must talk. You have much to tell each other.’ She smiled at us, beneficently, like a Mother Superior inspecting a new intake of novices. She clicked her tongue, as Rosa often did, and crossed the room.

  She stopped at the door, holding it ajar. ‘You promised her.’ She said, looking at John. He looked puzzled. ‘You promised her you would tell her everything.’

  John’s eyebrows shot up, ‘what do you mean?’

  ‘You were going to tell her, why you walked out on her that day.’

  ‘How do you know that?!’

  Nonna smiled, shut the door silently and we were alone again.

  ‘Is she for real??’

  ‘She sure is. Hey, you’re not going to distract me, it’s me who gets to ask the questions now, you heard her!’

  ‘OK, but I don’t know where to start.’

  ‘Just tell me'

  He handed Jacopo back to me, nodded and sat up, rubbed his face with his hands then laid them on my shoulders, kissed my forehead.

  'I'm sorry Maddie, but I need to walk about.' He started to slowly pace the room, moving in and out of squares of moonlight that patch-worked the floor. He stopped every now and then to look back at me. 'I spent most of my life, until I was in my late twenties as a farmer in Hampshire.’ He said softly. ‘Farming has been in my family for generations. It was all I knew.' That explained the size of him, the solidity of him. 'It was my whole life, I was good at it. I loved nothing more than being outside all day - rain, wind or shine. I became proud of my skills and my strength. Nothing wrong with that I suppose, on the face of it, but a kind of complacency crept in too.' He checked himself, brought his hands up to his face. I wasn't sure if he was crying. 'We had family visiting, it was the Easter Holidays. My sister came with my niece and nephew. They used to love coming to stay with us, Emily and Huw. They lived in a terraced house in the middle of Portsmouth, they only had a tiny garden. They loved climbing in the hay barn, helping to look after the animals. It was hard work for us, but the farm was a holiday home for them.’ John sniffed and rubbed at his eyes, my stomach was tightening with anxiety. ‘We always read them the farm safety riot-act, but they were only little, they forget.’ He was in a far corner of the room now, blanketed in shadows. ‘One day I was backing the tractor out into the yard. I didn’t realise that Emily had just come out to go and see the calves, and she’d stopped to draw in the dust with a stick - ’