Unequal Childhoods

by Annette Lareau

  Finally, there are underlying elements of resistance to the deference working-class and poor parents exhibit toward educators. Mothers who nod in silent agreement during a parent-teacher conference may at home, and within earshot of their children, denounce the educator as unfair, untrustworthy, or mean. Particularly in the area of discipline, working-class and poor parents are likely to regard the school’s approach as inappropriate. Many encourage their children—in direct violation of school rules—to hit peers who harass them, specifically including the advice to take their retaliatory actions “when the teacher isn’t looking.” This undercurrent of resistance is also tinged with hostility. Working-class and poor parents resent the power vested in school personnel to act on behalf of students they identify as abused in their home environments. As Wendy Driver’s mother explains, the fear these parents have that “they” might “come and take your kids away” is real. Complying with educators’ requests, even when they are seen as ridiculous by parents, reduces parents’ risk of intervention by state officials. Still, because parents’ child-rearing strategies are at odds with the approach of concerted cultivation stressed by “the school,” parents such as Wendy Drivers’ parents are openly criticized by educators for not taking more of a leadership role in their children’s schooling.

  THE DRIVER FAMILY

  Wendy Driver, the focal child, is a friendly and cheerful ten-year-old,1 who is in the fourth grade at Lower Richmond School. She lives in a rented two-story brick house with her older brother, Willie; her baby stepsister, Valerie; her mother, Debbie; Mack Fallon, Debbie’s boyfriend (and Valerie’s father); and two cats, Sweetie and Monster.

  Wendy is very thin, with pale skin and big eyes. She often wears colored headbands that pull her long blond hair back from her face. She gives spontaneous hugs to her relatives and other adults, including the field-workers, when they arrive and exit. She often kisses two-month-old Valerie on the head and sometimes (when her mother is out of the room) wakes the baby up to play with her. In an interview, Wendy describes herself this way:

  I’m nice. I’m not cocky, I’m not greedy, and I don’t spend that much money on one thing. Like, if I have the money, I’ll take my mom and [Mack] out to dinner . . . I like to play Barbies [and] play cards with my cousins. I like to ride my bike and go roller-skating. I like math.

  Small pleasures bring an enthusiastic response as on one spring evening when Wendy, seeing a bolt of lightning, jumps up and down excitedly and says, “Let’s go outside! Let’s go outside!” She is thrilled to watch bolts of lightning from the safety of the front porch.

  At school, Wendy is sometimes an assertive leader. During recess and lunch, she and her girlfriends (all white) run around, chase boys, and play various games. One day, we watch as she organizes an attack on the boys’ restroom. She orders two girls to approach the lavatory from the near side (“I told you guys to go! Go around . . . ”) and bang on the door; meanwhile, she and another girl begin advancing from the other side, crouching down, half-hidden, giggling. Wendy seems similarly uninhibited about expressing her many opinions, including this estimation of Ms. Olean, her dance teacher:

  This year I’m dancin’ with my cousin Nicole. She goes to dancin’, too. And sometimes Ms. Olean can be a real brat. She always hollers at people. Like yesterday me and my cousin Nicole were dancin’ and we messed up a little . . . and she’s like, “POINT THE TOES! POINT THE TOES!” And she’s like, “DO IT!” She’s a real brat.

  Wendy’s parents separated when she was a preschooler; they divorced two years later. Mr. Driver died suddenly during the fall that Wendy started second grade. Her mother began dating Mr. Fallon toward the end of that school year, and about twelve months later, they decided to live together.2 Wendy’s relationship with her mother’s boyfriend is amiable. For example, when she reports, after a camping trip, “Mack, I went horseback riding on my trip,” Mr. Fallon replies teasingly, “Horseback riding? Are you sure it was a horse and not a donkey?” Still, Wendy continues to miss her dad; at night, she sleeps with a doll that he gave her several years earlier.

  Like Wendy, twelve-year-old Willie is an animated, talkative child. He enjoys visiting his cousins, riding his bike, watching television, and going fishing and hunting. Although he describes Mr. Fallon as “nice to us,” and notes that Mr. Fallon “drives us places,” Willie, like Wendy, misses his father. He and his mother’s boyfriend often clash. Mr. Fallon criticizes Willie’s ideas, his slowness, and other aspects of his daily behavior. Still, there are pleasurable moments, as when Mr. Fallon and Willie wrestle intently (and quietly, except for grunts) on the living room floor while the rest of the family watches appreciatively.

  Willie often plays away from the house (joining cousins and friends), but when he is at home, he seems content to spend time with Wendy. During the summer, while Ms. Driver and Mr. Fallon are at work, Wendy and Willie watch television on and off all day, sprawled out together on the floor in the living room. The two make their own lunch, and they follow house rules about not answering the door unless someone is expected and not answering the telephone except when their mother calls (using an agreed-upon signal). On breaks from watching television, they play games together. When they play Monopoly, Willie, without being asked, reads the cards for his sister, knowing that she has trouble doing so herself. Wendy sometimes does Willie’s laundry for him (in addition to doing her own). They seem fond of one another. They argue infrequently and only mildly, particularly compared to middle-class siblings such as the Tallinger brothers and the Marshall sisters. For instance, Wendy comments one afternoon that Willie’s girlfriend “dumped” him. Another day, she calls down the stairs to tell Willie that he left his bedroom light on, and then when he asks her to turn it off for him, refuses (requiring Willie to go upstairs and do it himself).

  Wendy and Willie’s mother, Ms. Driver, is a tall, handsome woman with big bones. She is thirty-two years old. With her short blond hair, clear skin, and lack of makeup, she has healthy, almost tomboyish, looks. She has several tattoos, including a heart with an arrow on one ankle. She often wears acid-washed jeans, with sweatshirts or T-shirts, and sneakers. Ms. Driver has worked as a secretary for fourteen years, beginning immediately after she graduated from high school. She earns between $15,000 and $25,000 per year, working full time; her responsibilities include answering the phone and doing computer work. She says she “hates” her job. If she could afford it—which she can’t—she would quit.

  After Ms. Driver and Wendy and Willie’s father divorced, she and the children moved in with her parents and remained there for five years (until Ms. Driver and Mr. Fallon pooled resources to rent their own house). Since Mr. Driver did not pay child support,3 and Ms. Driver also needed to pay her parents a share of the rent, she met her expenses by taking a weekend job as a waitress in addition to her other job. When she became pregnant, however, she had to quit that job, and except for occasional shifts, she has not resumed it. In her leisure time, Ms. Driver enjoys watching television, especially talk shows and soap operas. She makes an effort to schedule Valerie’s naps to coincide with the timing of her favorite programs.

  Mr. Fallon is twenty-six years old. Like Ms. Driver, he is tall, broad shouldered, and tattooed. He has a rapidly receding hairline and a booming voice. A high school graduate, he is employed full time as a “houseman” in a home for disabled people, where, for example, he strips and rewaxes the floors. He wears a uniform—brown pants and a matching shirt—to work. He has held his position (which is unionized) for eight years and earns $20,000 per year. He works every other weekend and many holidays.

  Ms. Driver and Mr. Fallon’s incomes do not fully cover the family’s expenses. Money is a constant topic of conversation: the high cost of items, the need to budget or undertake other money-management strategies, and the lack of funds available are subjects that come up during every field visit, often many times in a few hours. Ms. Driver sighs deeply when Wendy comes home announcing an upcoming school trip. She vi
ews these outings, which require a two-dollar contribution on the part of each student, as a major expenditure. The fact that the family has too much money to qualify for assistance but too little to meet their needs is an irony that frustrates Wendy’s mother.

  It really gets me upset when I go out there and I look for different organizations to help me out with money for the kids, or money for—it’s like they turn to me and say, “You make too much money.” It’s like, “How could I make too much money?” Cause it’s like, I’m just barely making it.

  Family finances often have a “zero-sum” nature. For example, when Wendy was in third grade, her mother hired a tutor for her. In order to meet that new expense, $20 per week, Ms. Driver had to walk to work; she no longer had enough money to pay for the bus. When Mr. Fallon’s car breaks down, they delay repairs. School clothes, Christmas presents, and major household items all are purchased on layaway plans. Neither Ms. Driver nor Mr. Fallon has a checking account; they pay bills with money orders. The three extended families in the Drivers’ lives (Ms. Driver’s parents, the family of her ex-husband, and Mr. Fallon’s family) also struggle economically. Ms. Driver’s father juggled two jobs his whole working life. Still, compared to poor families like the McAllisters or the Carrolls, the Drivers have advantages. Food is in ample supply and the children may ask for items when they go to the store. Also, Wendy and Willie are each allowed to request (and usually receive) one expensive item for Christmas (such as a $100 jacket). Ms. Driver squirrels money away for extended family gatherings; Wendy’s Holy Communion festivities, which included a buffet lunch for the entire extended family, cost $1,500.

  THE DRIVERS’ WORLD

  Just a few days before the field observations began, Wendy and her family moved into a small, three-bedroom house a few doors down from their previous residence. In this almost wholly white, urban, working-class neighborhood, the narrow streets are lined with houses just like the Drivers’. The rows of residences are squeezed so close to one another that they seem like one continuous building. Many of the houses have front porches that come right to the edge of the sidewalk; the porches are small, with only enough room for two chairs. There is no grass. Many residents, including the Drivers, decorate their houses for holidays such as Valentine’s Day, Easter, and Halloween.4 Children about Wendy and Willie’s ages live right up the street, as do many of the Drivers’ cousins. The girls walk to school together and play together after school and on weekends.

  Although the Drivers’ home has three bedrooms and is considerably larger than the homes of many other working-class families, the entire downstairs, which consists of a living room area, a playroom for the baby, and a kitchen, would fit inside the family room in the middle-class Marshalls’ house. The rent is $650 per month. The interior of the house is immaculately kept. Wendy and Willie are reminded to put their backpacks upstairs in their bedrooms as soon as they come home from school, they are permitted to have only one glass in the living room, and they each do chores to help keep the house neat and clean. The family often spends time together in the living room watching television. It is cozy: there is room for two adults to sit on the love seat and for the children (and field-worker) to sit on the floor. Pictures of the family adorn the walls.

  The amount of racial diversity in Wendy’s life varies. In her public elementary school, the student body is about one-half Black, and some of the teachers and key school personnel are African American. During free playtime at recess and lunch, however, Wendy plays and socializes with other white girls almost exclusively. Similarly, although there are huge neighborhoods filled with African American poor families not far (about a ten-minute car ride) from Wendy’s home, most of her social interactions involve only whites. All of her relatives are white, all of her immediate neighbors are white, all of the children in her dance class and religious study group are white, almost all of the local shopkeepers and their customers are white, and even the shopping mall she visits is frequented mainly by whites. Ms. Driver reports that her ex-husband was “prejudiced” and “hated Blacks”; she has tried to raise the children to be more open-minded than their father.

  VALUING THE FAMILY: THE IMPORTANCE OF KINSHIP

  It would be hard to overstate the importance of family to the Drivers. The Driver children’s lives are also deeply interwoven with those of their extended family. They each have cousins their own age and sex. Wendy’s two best friends are her cousins Rosie and Rebecca, who live a few doors away. She sees her maternal grandparents, who also live within walking distance, every day and enjoys these visits. She is obviously fond of her relatives. On Easter Sunday morning, for instance, she telephones her grandmother and sings “You Are My Sunshine” to her. Her grandfather often picks Wendy up after school. As Ms. Driver explains, both grandparents and great-grandparents provide after-school care for the children:

  My son goes to my mother’s house with his grandfather and his great-grandmother, and Wendy goes to her great-grandmother who lives two doors up from my parents’ house and she stays there until I get home from work . . . She sees them every day.

  Wendy’s mother notes, “Me and mom call each other at least every other day, if not more. Just to see how I’m feeling or what she’s been up to.” When Ms. Driver’s mother turned fifty, she surprised her by hiring a stripper; when she turned sixty, Ms. Driver threw her a party that included a professional singer. In addition to the frequent contact she has with her parents, Ms. Driver sees her siblings (all male) regularly. She also talks to and spends time with a cousin whom she describes as “like a sister.”

  Along with Ms. Driver’s extended family, Wendy and Willie’s paternal relatives are mentioned frequently and visited regularly. Their father’s brothers (“the uncles”), sister, and parents attend Wendy’s and Willie’s birthday parties and are invited to all other major family events. Finally, Mr. Fallon’s family is a newly emerging part of the Drivers’ daily lives. Mr. Fallon has no contact with his father, but he talks to his mother daily. She visits often and is willing to baby-sit her new grandchildren as needed. Mr. Fallon is also in regular contact with his sisters. One, Sara, lives around the corner; she and her children come by the house frequently. His other sister lives in South Carolina; Mr. Fallon sends her coupons from the newspaper each week.

  Daily conversation in the Driver home is peppered with references to relatives, upcoming kin events, past events involving relatives, and episodes in the lives of various members of the extended family.5 Wendy’s First Holy Communion party (which took place when she was in second grade) comes up repeatedly. Family members are also likely to bring up the topic of an upcoming family event: Wendy is eagerly anticipating her role as a junior bridesmaid in her paternal aunt’s wedding party. She is very excited by the prospect of wearing a very short, straight, hot-pink, off-the-shoulder silk dress and having her hair and nails done for the event. Another common topic of conversation is Valerie’s baptism, which will occur during the summer. Ms. Driver and Mr. Fallon plan to invite about a hundred relatives to celebrate the christening at a catered gathering to be held in a nearby hall.

  Unlike in the Tallinger family, where no one seemed concerned that Garrett planned to skip his cousin’s graduation party, family events are of the utmost importance to the Drivers. This has its downside. With so many relatives planning so many parties and gatherings, scheduling conflicts are inevitable. So, too, are “hurt feelings,” as Mr. Fallon explains during a discussion over breakfast one morning before school:

  “There’s a wedding and a First Communion that day. My cousin has a wedding, and then my brother’s kid is making the First Communion . . . and we’re going to the Communion—there’ll be some feelings hurt.” Debbie adds, “Yeah, but it’s between a brother and a cousin, so. . . . ” (She trailed off, implying that the field-worker would automatically understand which is the more important engagement.)

  Given the number of relatives in the extended Driver and Fallon families and the frequency with which they in
teract, it isn’t surprising that misunderstandings and miscommunications arise from time to time. One problem Ms. Driver and Mr. Fallon contend with is the influence Wendy and Willie’s deceased father’s brothers (“the uncles”) have on the children, especially Willie. These men, as well as Ms. Driver’s own brothers, are unimpressive role models, as Mr. Fallon makes clear, yelling at Willie one Saturday morning: “You want to be like your uncles? Jobless? You want to be like your uncles?” Willie’s mother worries about “the uncles,” too. Watching a television talk show about “skinheads,” she comments:

  “This is what I have to look forward to. Willie’s thirteen now. I’ll have to start worrying whether he’ll be in a gang.” I say, “Are you worried he’ll join a gang?” Debbie responds, “Well, he is a follower. He’s a good kid, but he’s a follower. His uncles are a bad influence on him. Like at the wedding, his youngest uncle, Uncle Petey, told him he could have a beer.”

  ORGANIZATION OF DAILY LIFE

  Because Ms. Driver does not know how to drive, she relies on Mr. Fallon for transportation to accomplish family-related chores. Wendy and Willie usually accompany their mother on these outings. Thus, the family spends time together as a unit as Mr. Fallon drives them to the store to shop for groceries, to K-mart to buy school clothes (on layaway), to the mall (to window shop), and, in bad weather, to the homes of local family members to visit. When Mr. Fallon works the weekend shift, the rhythm of family life is radically altered. Ms. Driver and the children are able to walk to local stores, however, as well as to Wendy’s dance lessons and religious instruction.