If You Hear Me

by Jenn LeBlanc

  “Okay. Daniel?”

  I turn to look at him and he smiles, then gives a little wave. “Are you okay?” he asks. “I just need a minute and I’ll be right out. Is that alright?”

  I nod then lean over and kiss him. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Thirteen

  Daniel

  I watch Meli and my mom walk out of the study then sit there for a while and just try to comprehend all of it. I only just found out that I’d been a father for nine months and one day. I lived and lost all of that in the heartbeat of a conversation, and now…now I’m a father again and I’ve known her this whole time. And I never even had any idea. Like an idiot. She was right here, and I didn’t even give it a second thought.

  What kind of person does that make me?

  I leave the office and walk up the stairs I’ve walked up a thousand times, but today it feels strangely different. I pass my bedroom, open the door, and peek inside to find it exactly as I’ve left it all these years. I pause for a second, thinking about the times I’ve gotten mad at Iz for messing with something of mine, or losing something. For simply going in my room. I suddenly don’t care about any of it; I want her to have it all. None of these things in my room are as important as she is. I don’t understand how I feel so strongly about someone…so suddenly. I guess this is what fatherhood is? It’s an odd sensation, knowing I created a fully formed human. I suddenly feel completely inept because I left all of the parenting to my parents I never… But then, I didn’t know and how could I and…

  I close the door and turn to the one across the hall. It’s halfway open so I push the door and walk inside to sit on the giant pink bed with all the ruffles and pillows and the big curved canopy. She’s been fighting this lately, wanting to “upgrade” she says, to a more adult look. I want nothing more than to keep her in these pink ruffles and bows for a while longer and I don’t understand why. My mom hasn’t done it yet, obviously, but no doubt she will because my sister is so spoiled—my daughter. No, my sister. I just can’t bring myself to think of her like that yet. My chest feels heavy and I cough, attempting to loosen whatever it was.

  My mom obviously thought of her as a granddaughter. I mean, I was never as spoiled as she’s been. It never made sense either. But now, suddenly, it does. She’s been my little sister for so long, how do I shift that to something else? How do I become a father? What happens next? I need a crash course in parenting. Sure I thought someday…but someday felt like a lifetime away thirty minutes ago.

  I sit on the edge of her bed and look around the room, trying to envision it taken apart and put back together inside my loft. Or in Cam’s apartment. How is this going to go? Is she just going to suddenly be ours? That’s not logical. She doesn’t even know. My parents are the only parents she’s ever known.

  But the extra space in my loft could be sectioned off with walls. We could even put in a private bathroom. Tristan did it in his loft for Soso, and mine is a mirror image of his. It would be simple. The loft is big enough to do that and have two large bedrooms, plus a private bath. I take the soft ruffle on the pillowcase and rub it between my fingers. Such a little girl kind of construct, all this pink soft sweetness. It would look so out of place in my industrial space.

  No, no. I’m getting way ahead of myself. I’m only twenty-five. I’m irresponsible and spend most of my free time at bars in WeHo. I’m not a father. I can’t change my whole life for this.

  “Wow, you look like someone pissed in your cereal,” Tristan says, and I look up at him.

  “You have no idea.”

  “I actually might have an idea. I just saw Camellia out back staring at Iz and talking to your mom. She was maybe crying a bit too. She maybe looks way too fucking much like your sister.”

  “Did you know?”

  “What? No way, man. How would I have had any idea? I noticed a resemblance the first time I saw Meli and thought it was odd, but no. Nobody’s ever said anything to me if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “Yeah, I guess it is. Sorry, I’m just…”

  “You gained a daughter, lost a daughter, and gained a daughter—this week. That’s a lot to think about.”

  “It is. I don’t even know how to act right now. Everything is so weird.”

  “Just be yourself. Be her brother until you guys figure this shit out. That’s it. You need to keep it easy for Iz though. You need to be here for her. She’s going to know if something’s up, so try not to freak her out.”

  “I’m trying not to but so far…I haven’t even spoken to her since I realized….” I stand and walk to the window that looks over the backyard, immediately catching her as she runs from Soso, then fake trips and rolls so Soso can catch her. “She’s my kid, man.”

  “Bro, just think of her as your sister for now. Try not to change too much, too fast, you know? If you can be strong for her, you’re doing great. That’s your first lesson in fatherhood. Your feelings never matter as much as hers do.”

  I look back at him, resting my hips against the window sill. I glance back down and see Camellia watching her and laughing. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Meli so happy in all my life… That’s not true. It’s just that since she came back into my life, she’s had this ghost behind her eyes, and now it’s gone.” There’s so much we have to figure out.

  “Hey, Daniel,” Tristan says, and I look back up at him. “Hey, don’t think too hard. You’re going to pass out.”

  “Sorry, sorry,” I say but I do feel really lightheaded. Tris pushes my head over between my knees and pats me on the back until I shove him away and get up, but I’m still lightheaded and I sit on Iz’s bed before I end up on the floor.

  “Let’s just go down to the barbecue, huh? You can get a drink and something to eat. Hang out, chill with Cam, talk to your mom, you know, normal stupid family stuff. Super easy.”

  “Yeah, okay,” I say and I stand up slowly. Then I follow my best friend out of my daughter’s room.

  Out back, Camellia found a chair under the awning. She’s spinning a bottle of something on the table, her eyes on Iz, not leaving her. I run my hand across her shoulders and sit next to her as Tris puts a bottle of something in front of me, too.

  Then my dad walks over and I brace myself. My dad is a great guy but he isn’t much for emotion. He’s very much into realism and doesn’t really stray from that at all. Right now, with everything that’s happened, I’m not sure I’m ready for whatever he has to say.

  He sits down and points to the bottle in front of me, telling me to drink. So I do. He points again, so I drink again. He leans back in the chair and looks at me. I can tell Camellia is watching out of her peripheral vision, not taking her eyes from Iz.

  “We did what we thought was best for everyone. We tried to get Camellia too, but there was no way. They wouldn’t even allow us to see her because they thought she’d come looking for us if she knew we cared or had any inkling that Iz survived.”

  “I always knew you cared though. I didn’t need to see you to know that. You showed it every time I was with you before I left. I knew.” Camellia says this without even cutting her gaze to him, and he nods.

  “Good.”

  “But you didn’t come when they died,” she says.

  “We didn’t and…we should have. We’ve kept an eye on you, making sure there wasn’t a problem with the estate or anything, that you had somewhere to be, that you were never without or lost or alone. We made sure you were okay, but we weren’t sure it was safe to approach you. Your parents set up safeguards against us and we could have lost custody of Iz—at least, that’s what we were afraid of at the time. Mom wanted to go to France and bring you home, but I stopped her because we weren’t sure what was best and I wasn’t sure it was safe. Entering the country on a known passport…they’d said either of us entering the country would trigger something and I was afraid that would still happen even though they were dead. What do I know? Your parents’ reach was pretty extensiv
e. So we watched instead.”

  Camellia nods, and I can’t take my gaze from my father. I can’t believe what he’s said. That they kept track of her, that they were watching her, that they were afraid of what her parents would do, even from beyond the grave? That’s… I don’t know how to process that actually. What are dead people going to do? “You’ve known all along and lied to me? You knew where and how and you just—”

  “My parents weren’t good people Daniel,” Camellia says. “I have no doubt what your dad is saying is true. I’m sure they’d have scared them enough to stay away from me. Why do you think I never contacted you? It wasn’t completely impossible. Except it was. Until they died.”

  “But they’ve been dead for a while and it wasn’t until now—”

  “That’s because I have a pretty solid excuse. The fact is, I was afraid to leave too. I thought there was a chance I could lose everything and then…I suddenly didn’t care if I did. So I left. So far I still have the money left to me. That they were so controlling should tell you something I suppose.”

  “You’re not mad about this?” I ask her. Because I’m mad. Because we could have been together, we should have been together this whole time.

  “Oh, yeah, I’m mad. But right now isn’t the time or the place to deconstruct what’s happening here. My daughter is alive and well and beautiful and playing right in front of me, and that…that’s all I need at the moment. That’s it. Nothing else.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask my dad.

  “What would you have done, Daniel?” he asks, and I know even before I nod that I’d have found a way to get to her, and Iz would have been lost to me, but maybe restored to Cam? I nod and try to understand. But my mind is churning on all the questions I still have. It feels like everyone here has a leg up on me, like I’m the only one who was completely in the dark, and it makes me feel like such an ignorant asshole. I don’t know how to be a father, but how do I stay a brother now that I know the truth of it all? And if I’m going to spend the rest of my life with Cam, what does that mean for all of this? Where does that leave us? Do we need to get married and buy a house and stop doing…whatever it is we’re doing? Do I need a stable job?

  “Daniel,” my dad says, and I look at him. “Stop thinking. You’re fine. This doesn’t all need to be solved today, even if you are a bit uncomfortable with the whole thing.”

  I nod and look down as Meli squeezes my knee. “Okay. I’m trying, it’s just a lot, Dad.”

  “I know it is, son. I know it is.”

  Meli

  The afternoon passes so quickly that I’m shocked when the light starts to shift to twilight. Watching her run around the yard feels like my heart has grown legs and is trying to get away from me. My chest is so full, like it’s about to burst.

  “Daniel, we’re supposed to go soon,” I say, but he shakes his head.

  “We can’t go until I tuck her in. It’s my job after every barbecue. Every time, I visit I tuck her in before I leave. So…maybe you can help me with that,” he says, and my heart swells to think about tucking my daughter in for sleep. I don’t want to leave this place without her so I know the answer before I even say it.

  “If it’s okay with her, I’d love to.”

  “You’re the strongest most amazing woman I know,” he says.

  “I know.” He laughs, and I turn back to the garden as Iz runs up, a bit slower than she was earlier in the day. Tristan in holding Soso—who’s passed out on his shoulder.

  “Are we staying the night?” he asks.

  “I don’t know,” Daniel says, but he looks at me and I know we’re staying.

  “Is there room?” I ask.

  “Yeah, we’re staying,” he says. “Did you bring any…”

  “Yeah, I did. Later. Let’s get these monsters in bed,” he says.

  “Bed?” Iz screeches, and I laugh.

  “Yeah, bed,” Daniel says. “It’s way past. You know better.”

  “I knoooowwwww,” she says, drawing it out as far as her lungs will allow.

  “Come on, hey, can Meli come up with us? She likes to read stories,” Daniel asks.

  “I guess. But I don’t know, she sounds funny.”

  “You know what she could read for you?” he asks her.

  “What’s that?”

  “The books I gave you for Christmas.”

  “Ohhhh Luh pah-teat prince.”

  “Le Petit Prince,” I say with a smile. Then I sound it out for her even slower, and she repeats it. “Very good,” I say, “Trés bien.”

  She laughs. “Okay. She can read it to me. I won’t understand it though.”

  “I’ll translate it for you, promise,” I say, then she takes my hand and leads us up to her room.

  “You wait out here. I have to change,” she says to Daniel then she shuts the door in his face.

  “Do you want me to wait outside?” I ask.

  Her nose wrinkles. “Aren’t you a girl like me?”

  “I am, but we just met.”

  “I know…but it’s okay, Momma said you were safe.”

  “Did she?”

  “Yes. Why? Aren’t you a safe adult?”

  “I am.”

  “Okay, I’m going to change in my closet. Don’t let my brother in yet.”

  “I’ll stand guard for you,” I say and try my best to stop myself from grinning.

  She comes out of the closet in a cute little pajama set with unicorns dancing on rainbows and she jumps up to her bed and snuggles against the pillow. She’s so…alive. I keep catching myself staring at her and have to look away because I don’t want to frighten her. This holding back is so difficult. I have so much to say, so much to tell her, but I can’t yet. I won’t yet. I don’t know anything about kids and I won’t hurt her by my ignorance.

  “Should I let Daniel in?” I ask.

  “Not yet. He’s a boy. Sit down,” she says quietly, and I sit on the bed at her hip and she scoots up and reaches for my face. She cups my cheeks in her cool little hands and pulls me toward her, staring in my eyes. I feel my skin flush as my heart double times it. “You are really pretty, does he tell you that?”

  “He does,” I say.

  “Good, he should, because you really are really pretty. I think he likes your eyes, because they look like mine. Do you see that?” she asks, making her eyes wide and blinking, and I nod, but I’m scared to answer because I’m afraid of what comes next. “Daniel told me about you, said he was going to find you someday like Rapunzel or Sleeping Beauty. He told me about you when he gave me the book too. He said he was going to find you and bring you back home, and here you are.”

  “Did he say that?” My voice breaks and I clear my throat because somewhere in my head I’d decided that Daniel had forgotten about me. It was easier for me to survive if I thought he’d moved on. My eyes sting and I know I’m not going to be able to stifle the tears.

  “He did. Why do you cry? Do you love him?”

  “I do,” I say.

  “Me, too. Okay, you can let him in.”

  * * *

  “You reading to my sister was the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen,” Daniel says, his breath warm across my shoulder as he snuggles me closer on his bed. I choose not to correct him, because this whole thing…I’m not sure how we’ll come out the other side. This is the first time I have doubts about us—only because the situation is so extreme. His hands start roving down my body, and my nerves—which were so relaxed after such a harried day—start waking up to his touch.

  I let his fingers peruse my skin, and I push back into his hips when his hand crests my mons through the boxers I borrowed, his fingers gently caressing me through the cotton fabric as he exhales between my shoulder blades, sending shivers throughout my body. “I don’t know, Daniel. This is…I don’t know.”

  “Don’t you realize it’s every young boy’s dream to have sex with a woman in his childhood bed?” He licks my spine to the nape of my neck and his arms tigh
ten on me as his voice seems to bottom out.

  “Okay, but you can’t call it your childhood bed. That’s a little creepy. Actually, the whole thing sounds little creepy.”

  “How is that creepy? You were my first love, my first everything, Cam.” The words skate over my ear, caressing my cheek before dissipating. “I love you so much I can’t see straight. It’s not just because this is a weird childhood dream. I need to feel you. This body of yours that grew up while I wasn’t looking. I thought every inch of you was magic back then, but now? Now I know that was a complete fallacy. There’s no comparison to the woman you’ve become.”

  Mon dieu.

  I roll over so I can see his face as he says these things. This older, dirtier version of the boy I’ve loved forever. I slide my hands down his chest, then against his thighs, but don’t touch his cock. “Do you remember that first night? Do you remember where we were?” I ask, my lips close enough to feel the electricity between us without touching. He opens his mouth as though to breath them in.

  “I do. I remember everything about it,” he says then darts his tongue out and licks a streak up my chin to my lower lip.

  “Tell me,” I say then I shift and suck on the salty bit of skin over his Adam’s apple.

  “You found me practicing that night. In the big studio with the windows that look out over New York City. It was dark except for the pulse and flash of occasional lights from outside.”

  His voice tickles my lips as it reverberates through his skin. I smooth my hands around his hips, pushing beneath his body to be able to cup his ass, and pull him toward me. We’re almost flush against each other except for the tilt of my hips. I keep his penis wanting in the little hollow between our bodies as I feel the rest of him. His entire body is vibrating as he holds himself in check.

  “Keep going. Do you remember what I was wearing?” I feel his nod at my temple, the pulse of his heart against my cheek as I move a bit more, letting his night beard chafe my cheeks.