He was quiet for a moment. Finally he asked, “And who else knows?”
She gulped. “Everyone.”
“I see,” he said. “And how is he taking it?”
Again her heart was torn. She knew after their weekend together Vanni would want her to stand up for their relationship with Graham, but it was impossible to do with the condition he was in. “I’ve moved back to the house, Vanni.”
It took him a minute to respond, and when he did his voice was low and angry. “What?”
“He’s not in good shape,” she went on, and hoped to finally convince him what she was doing was the right thing. “He’s really sick.”
“I’ll just bet,” Vanni sneered but she shook her head even though he couldn’t see her do it.
“No, Vanni. It was bad. You don’t understand.”
“You’re right,” he agreed instantly. “I don’t. How can you go from spending this last incredible week with me to moving into another man’s house?”
She swallowed the rock in her throat. “Because it’s the right thing to do,” she whispered.
“I thought loving me was the right thing,” he said softly.
“You know I love you, Vanni. I always have. I always will.” ‘Forever’ rang in her ears, but she didn’t dare say it.
“But you love him more,” he filled in the blank.
“No,” she was quick to clarify. “He just… he just needs me more.”
“You can’t possibly know how much I need you,” he said softly. “Goodbye, Andy.”
And with that he was gone without a fight. That scared Andy most of all. She wanted to call him back but she knew it was pointless. They had reached the same old impasse with neither willing to give on their position.
She couldn’t hurt Graham and he couldn’t bear to wait. Inevitably they would be drawn back to each other, and God only knew what kind of consequences they’d face in the future.
For now this was how things had to be. She brushed away her tears and went back to Graham.
Chapter Eighteen
October 24, 2010. New York.
Vanni
Vanni sat staring at the wall for hours after he hung up with Andy. He had such high hopes the day would end another way, with her in his arms in their home at last. But they were back to square one again, with Andy living with and loving another man.
After their time together in New York the pain of losing her again crushed his heart. He could barely breathe every time he thought of her. When his eyes closed he could clearly see her next to him, surrounding him, touching him, loving him. He could almost feel her still in his arms like an erotic phantom.
His eyes kept straying over to the minibar in the hotel suite. Just one drink, he thought. Something, anything, to numb the pain. He could almost feel the burn of straight whiskey pouring down the back of his throat, just enough to feel that sweet buzz that made blurred everything as he soared high above all his problems and disappointments.
As the time for his departure came and went Vanni finally went over to the bar and pulled out one of the tiny bottles. He walked back over to the table and put it down next to his phone. He had two choices. He could call Andy and he could tell her that no matter what, they could be together. Graham would pull through, the old bastard always did. His being under the weather was no real reason for them to be apart. Graham wasn’t unreasonable, after all. He’d never pulled the crazy, power hungry things that Jasper did. He’d get over his broken heart and they could get back to the way things used to be.
But the more he thought about it the more he knew it would never go back to the way things used to be. Too much had happened. He’d have to find another record label, which was what Leo and Julian had recommended anyway.
Then there was Andy, who had gone from being a regular girl to being a target for the paparazzi at best, homicidal maniacs at worst. The Wilke brother was already out for his hide, what if he took it out on Andy? What if, like with Talia, just being with him made her a target for some other crazed lunatic?
He’d already proven that he was unable to protect her.
Though it hurt her for her to be with Graham, he knew ultimately she was safe. And wasn’t it time he grew up enough to let her go for her own sake?
Continually holding onto her because of his selfish desires hadn’t gotten either of them anywhere. They had hurt each other for years, but 2010 had become a banner year for how their short-sighted behavior threatened others.
He picked up the bottle and held it in his hands. He could almost taste the amber liquid. He wanted to drink it so badly his hands shook, and that was something he’d so far managed to overcome in the last couple of months of sobriety.
With great effort he put the bottle back on the table. This time he reached for the phone but he didn’t call Andy. He called someone else, someone who had been there for him since they first met.
She’d know how to get him through.
Holly wore that familiar smile on her face when she showed up at his hotel suite. She didn’t say much as she took him into her arms for a comforting hug once they shut the door behind her.
“I heard,” she said. “I’m sorry, Vanni.”
“For what?” he said as he pulled away and went toward the living area of the suite. “It’s not like you ratted us out to PING.”
“Of course not,” she said as she perched on the sofa. “I’m just so sorry everything is hitting you all at once. You finally get things sorted out only to have it all blow up again.”
He just shrugged as he rubbed his eyes with both hands. “It’s my own stupid fault,” he said. “Go after what you want, full speed ahead, damn the consequences. Story of my life.”
She scooted over to where he sat. “Don’t beat yourself up. It’s not your fault you were lied to.”
His eyes met hers. “What do you mean?” She shrugged, reluctant to say anything, so he probed more. “Who lied to me?”
“Andy,” she finally said.
He shook his head. “No. Andy would never lie to me. In fact she’s been bitterly honest about everything right down the line. I just haven’t always wanted to believe her. I thought that if I just could get her back she’d see that we are supposed to be together. And in the end she’d choose me.”
Holly stroked his arm. “Andy loves Graham,” she said softly. “It’s really kind of evident to everyone. We all knew she’d choose him in the end. I’m just sorry you had to find out this way.”
“Find out what?” he questioned.
She shrugged again. “That she’s a user. I mean, isn’t this her M.O. throughout your career? Didn’t she always want to be the one on your arm for the world to see while you were riding high? That’s so typical for girls with no self-esteem, and I mean look at her. It’s not like there’s a whole wide world beating down her door. Now that things are tough she’s going to go to the one who can give her everything she wants. The big career, the big house… the big bank account. She’s validated all over again by the man she’s with and now she’s landed one who literally can’t run away. It’s really rather scandalous when you think about it.”
Vanni rose to his feet. “You don’t know her,” he said.
Holly stood up and turned him to face her. “No, hon. I’m the one who doesn’t see her with through rose colored glasses. You want her to be something she’s just not. The sooner you let that go, the better off you’ll be.”
He turned away from her and went over to the table where the bottle of liquor still sat. He picked it up as he tried to rid his brain of Holly’s scathing character analysis of the woman he loved. She couldn’t be right. That would make all the years they shared a big lie, and the woman he loved nothing but an empty façade. Though Vanni didn’t want to admit it, the evidence was clear: even after their amazing week together she had gone back to Graham. She always, always went back go Graham.
That made Holly’s truth more plausible than the one he had been clinging to for years.
He gripped the bottle so hard it left imprints inside of his hand. No matter which scenario was true it hurt more than he could bear. What he’d give for just one moment of numbness.
“She’s certainly not worth that,” Holly advised when she saw what he was holding. “How much are you going to let her ruin your life? Especially now when you have the best opportunity to pull it back together.”
He glanced back at her. “What do you mean?”
She walked over to the table and took the bottle from his hands. “I talked to Julian. Leo knows some folks here in New York. You can finish the album here and never even bother with L.A. again. It’s not like you get to see Graham anyway. Manage it all through teleconferencing and video chat. Then, in a few months when your contract is up, Leo can hook you up with an East Coast label.”
“The only east coast label on par with Graham is Jasper Carrington. And I’m not going down that road again.”
“Then develop your own label,” she said. “You’re not some unwashed bar band from Brooklyn anymore. You’re Giovanni Carnevale, international superstar. There’s nothing Graham Baxter or Jasper Carrington can do for you that you can’t do for yourself. Think about it. You could be in total control of your career and of your life.”
He nodded. He did like the sound of that.
She grabbed his hand and flashed her effervescent smile. “Then let’s stay here. I’ve always liked New York better than Los Angeles anyway.”
He didn’t immediately say yes but he gave the matter serious consideration after she left the hotel that night. What was in Los Angeles to go home to? A house that reminded him of a life he couldn’t have with Andy? A crazed, angry man who wanted to see him pay in blood for nearly killing an underage prostitute, not to mention the legal ramifications of what he had done?
He could spin the move to New York to his advantage as an effort to make peace with his father. No one would ever have to know what a sniveling coward he was.
The next day he called Leo and told him to arrange everything for relocation to New York. He didn’t bother talking to Yael or Felix directly, who both thrived under the move to the west coast. He didn’t want to have to admit to those brothers who knew him best he was dodging every uncomfortable situation that awaited him in Los Angeles, because he knew both men would call him on it.
He wasn’t that surprised when Felix opted to stay in his home state rather than move back to New York City, which was why he hadn’t bothered calling him personally. He had no real incentive to encourage him to stay with the band anymore because it wasn’t Dreaming in Blue anymore. It was Dreaming in Blue Featuring Giovanni Carnevale.
Yael was a bit more invested with the new creative direction of the band. He was never all that hip on the sappy love songs that had made them all superstars. He wanted the challenge of redefining rock and metal for a new generation. He felt he could do that with Julian.
Plus he loved New York. L.A. was tired and phony. Deep down he was glad Vanni decided to relocate. This was the 21 century, technology opened up the world. There were no borders anymore to anyone who had access to the Internet.
Yael didn’t know yet that Vanni planned to dump Graham’s label as soon as the contract came due. The idea of forming his own record label appealed to him greatly, but he was fairly certain that Yael wouldn’t cotton to the changes in hierarchy. DIB was his baby, always had been. It was already a tough sell that Vanni was the star and he simply supported.
He would likely want to stay with Graham and, knowing Graham, he’d do everything he could to win him over for a solo contract just to fuck him over.
The way he saw Graham, this was a man who wasn’t fully satisfied until he got what Vanni needed or wanted.
So he played things close to the vest over that following week when he set up things in New York. He found a place in the same building in Manhattan as his father, only his penthouse digs came with stunning views of the city. Best of all there was Fort Knox security on the main floor. Because of this he also rented a place for Julian and Holly, who didn’t have the kind of money he had to set up a secure residence.
With PING’s fascination with Holly as his main squeeze he wanted to protect her from being hounded every time she wanted to leave the building. Since it was his star power that was drawing attention, it just made sense he did what he could to protect her. Rent seemed like a small price to pay.
Plus it was nice to have her nearby. She was the reason he didn’t drink every time he thought of Andy. Every time he had the urge he called her and she was on his doorstep within minutes. She baked him cookies, made him dinner, played Rummy until the wee hours of the morning, and then would make sure he would be up and in the car the next day on the way to the studio.
After a couple of weeks she practically lived at his place, making use of his spare bedroom. She was his key to sobriety and sanity. He even let her manage his business with Graham, which was done mostly through Andy. He had decided it was not fair to Andy to pressure her about her decision. The die was cast and these were the lives they had chosen to live separately for whatever reason.
He focused on the music and trusted Holly knew what he needed and wanted from Graham’s label as he finished the last CD he’d ever record with them. She gave nothing away as she managed everything, jumping from meager errand girl to valuable assistant as the days rushed by in a New York blur.
By Thanksgiving there was no question that she lived with him, albeit in separate bedrooms. She convinced him to host a holiday dinner that included contacts within the industry because this kind of networking would help him launch his own label when the time came. They invited the band and his father, while Leo filled the penthouse full of powerful people that were extremely interested in what Vanni would do as his contact came to an end with Baxter Mega-Worldwide Media Corporation.
Even with Angelo and Vanni present, champagne and liquor flowed around them, lubricating the cogs of the networking machine nicely.
Iris made an appearance but wasn’t too keen on how effortlessly Holly had wedged herself into the Andy-shaped hole in Vanni’s life. She might have said something about that to him but he was way beyond hearing. He treated Holly as though she was a valued assistant, and he had grown beyond what Iris could offer him.
When she left that evening she didn’t even say goodbye. It was simply over.
Angelo made an early evening of it as well, feeling ill at ease with the type of party it was turning into. Holly swore as she walked him back down to his place that she’d keep an eye on Vanni so he wouldn’t backslide. They had come too far for him to lose his way now. She stayed with him and chatted about the future while the party raged on upstairs.
The festivities further demonstrated to Vanni he could move on past Graham and ultimately past Andy when the time came. Leo was in unusually high spirits as he wined and dined all the big wigs, and despite Vanni’s initial protest he finally talked Vanni into taking a drink to toast to their success. “It’s just one drink,” Leo urged.
The minute the liquid bubbled down his throat Vanni knew he was in trouble, though Leo slapped him soundly on the back and congratulated him on a job well done. He was well on his way to finally breaking free from Graham Baxter and all the complications that implied. It was the most practical move for all of them.
Yet once again Vanni couldn’t help but notice he teetered at the precipice of success without the one person at his side that would have made it complete. Even Holly was M.I.A. as the party continued on in high gear, a hollow celebration that left Vanni feeling just as empty.
By the time Holly returned from walking his father home he was on his third drink, courtesy of his intoxicated manager.
After Leo had left and Holly disappeared into the kitchen to clean up after the guests, Vanni took a bottle of champagne from the table and retreated to his bedroom. He stared at the lights of the city and wondered what Andy was doing right that moment. Was she serving turkey as lady of the house with G
raham? Did she think about the future they had denied themselves? Did she smile through everything that only proved a lackluster replacement for what she really wanted, just like he did? Had she even spared him a thought at all?
He guzzled the bottle as he tried to fend off the melancholy that always attacked him when he thought about her or their star-crossed love affair. Once the bottle was empty he felt the initial buzz but it wasn’t enough to blanket the pain like he hoped. He slipped back out into the living room where the bar was still completely set up for the guests who had long gone.
He didn’t even care what bottle he grabbed. Just a few hours ago his house had been full of people who were laughing and talking and happy to be included in his world. Why should it matter that one person was missing? Especially one person who had chosen not to be there?
Maybe Holly was right. Maybe she had used him to validate herself, and he just couldn’t do that for her like Graham could.
He started on bottle number three as he thought about the petite brunette in his kitchen. She had done everything to prove she was in this thing for the long haul. She advised him, she comforted him; she gave him a home when he wasn’t really sure he deserved one. And she’d never asked for anything in return. Not once. Not even a kiss, a kind word or a thank you.
He had spent weeks mooning over the one who left him in the taillights while ignoring the one who cheerfully piloted his course.
He stumbled into the kitchen to rectify that grievous error. Her eyes widened when she saw what state he was in. “Vanni,” she called to him as she ran over to where he leaned heavily against the counter.
“I owe you an apology,” he slurred. “I was in there thinking about everything I don’t have and it hit me… you have always given me everything without any complaint or condition. I’m sorry for being too selfish to notice.”
He staggered a little bit and she did her best to hold him up. “You don’t have to thank me, Vanni,” she said softly. “I wanted to do it.”
The Complete Groupie Trilogy Page 49