Losing Me

by Jasmine Carolina

  Colin turned to where I pointed, turning silent at the sight beneath us. "Wow. It's a great view, but it's not half as beautiful as you are."

  Heat rose to my cheeks, and I averted my gaze, staring down at my lap. I couldn't help how shy I got around him, especially when he said sweet things like that. He made my heart flutter.

  I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, leaning against his chest and enjoying the final moments of my favorite ride with my boyfriend. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on the top of the head.

  "I know you hate Valentine's Day, but I'm glad that I could make you enjoy it just once," Colin said.

  "I'm glad that you convinced me to come. I wouldn't trade this night for anything."

  Mere seconds after I spoke, the ride stuttered to a stop, Colin and I teetering on the top gondola, overlooking all the other carnival-goers. A couple around our age got off the gondola at the bottom, and I peered over the edge, watching the ticket holder as he pressed the button to start the ride back up to let the next group of people off. Colin tensed up beside me, taking my hand and squeezing it.

  "He's just letting us off," I said. "I thought something was seriously wrong."

  I continued to watch the ticket holder, starting to get concerned over the fact that the ride hadn't started back up yet. He pressed the button once more, and nothing happened. He pressed it thrice in quick succession, and then stepped away from the machine for help.

  I sat up straight, looking over at Colin whose eyes were squeezed shut. I reached over to touch his knee, and I could see it bobbing up and down. I touched the side of his face, and his eyes popped open, staring at me wide-eyed and frightened.

  "Hey. What's wrong?" I was actually more concerned about Colin rather than the fact that there appeared to be a problem with the ride that we were on.

  "Heights." His voice was gruff and out-of-sorts.

  Well, our first date as an actual couple and I was already learning that he was afraid of heights. However, it seemed a bit suspicious that he'd only just mentioned that he was afraid of heights after we'd been on countless rides and I'd convinced him to get on the Ferris wheel.

  "You're afraid of heights?" I all but shrieked. "Why the Hell did you let me talk you into getting on all these rides with me?" Pausing, I smacked his arm playfully. "If you're afraid of heights, isn't the carnival like the worst date idea ever?"

  He shook his head frantically, raking his hair back with his fingers. "It's not heights I'm afraid of so much. It's the prospect of being stuck somewhere that's over five feet off the ground."

  I nodded, rubbing small circles over the top of his hand with my thumb. He was tense, his posture rigid and his knees still moving about a thousand miles a minute.

  "What can I do to help?" I asked, honestly worried for him.

  "Distract me. Please."

  He was pleading with me, begging me to distract him. I wasn't sure if his fear was cute or if it was sad, because I'd never seen him so...desperate before.

  "Okay," I said. "So this one time, a while ago, I went on this date with this guy. He decided he wanted to go skydiving, but he never told me that he was afraid of heights until we're 10,000 feet above the ground--"

  "Nickayla! That is NOT funny!" he exclaimed, completely exasperated.

  I giggled, kissing him on the forehead and continuing to rub circles on his hands.

  "I'm sorry! Okay, I'll be serious. What do you want to hear?" I was willing to do anything to ease his mind.

  He glared at me with his green eyes fearful and untrusting. He closed them, then reopened them, a grimace forming on his face.

  "Anything. A story. Please."

  I looked down at my hands, and inspiration hit. I held up my right hand, showing him my middle finger specifically. "See this scar?" I moved my hand closer to his face, so that he could see the ragged edges of the scar that I'd had for almost ten years. "I've known Michele all my life. Our mothers were friends since high school, so naturally we were friends since birth. Since I was the oldest girl in my family, whenever Daddy had outings with my brothers, I always felt like I needed to tag along. One weekend, Daddy was taking the boys on a fishing trip, but Nomi, Michele, and I ganged up on him and forced him to take us, too. God, we were a handful, the three of us. We would team up and use our cuteness to get our way--Mom would always say that Michele and I should have been sisters, because we've always been two peas in a pod. Anyway, we go out on my Nonna and Granddaddy's boat, and we had been fishing all morning. We docked at a pier and we got ice cream at Daddy's favorite parlor. Well, we had about thirty minutes before Daddy wanted us to get back on the boat. The boys were rollerblading on the pier and Nomi was napping in Daddy's lap, so Mich and I asked if we could go and get matching friendship bracelets from one of the vendors." I paused, taking a minute to laugh. "You have to understand Michele...she's bubbly and fun now, but back then, she was a tiny blonde ball of energy. So we're on our way to get these bracelets and Michie is skipping down the pier and running her hand along the wall at the same time. Somehow, she doesn't catch that there are fishing poles standing up against this wall, and her middle finger gets caught on a fish hook!"

  I looked over to Colin to gauge his reaction. His eyes were wide and he was completely engrossed in the story that I was telling.

  "God, that sounds painful! What happened?" he asked.

  "Well, she starts screaming at the top of her lungs and blood is dripping everywhere. We run back toward where my dad is, and immediately he calls Mrs. Taggaro, and we call a cab to rush us to the hospital. My brother Nathan is in the backseat saying 'this is why the girls shouldn't come on our trips', and Nikkolas is in the backseat playing with a small pocketknife he'd been given as a birthday gift from Grandpa Quinn--I know, it's a terrible gift for a seven year old. Michele is sobbing hysterically next to me, so I snatch the pocketknife from my brother, flip it open, and cut my middle finger so that we have matching cuts. So we're both bleeding and both crying, because honestly, that was a stupid, impulsive thing for me to do, but I lift my finger and rub it against Michele's. She stops crying for a little bit and looks at me like I'm crazy, so I just smile at her and say, 'Look, Mich, now we're sisters by blood!'"

  Colin was laughing uncontrollably, his shoulders shaking as he reacted to my story. I held his hand tightly, hoping that I was able to take his mind off his fear.

  "God, that's the cutest thing I've ever heard!" he exclaimed once he was done laughing.

  "It's our favorite story to tell." I was happy to have distracted him long enough to get him to laugh and talk to me without being jittery.

  I wasn't sure how long we were stuck up there or how long it took for someone to get the stupid machine working again, but my boyfriend was laughing alongside of me, and he was acting like his old self again.

  When we were back on the ground, Colin took my hand and led me to the car. He drove me back to my house, and when we got there, he walked me to my front porch.

  "I had a wonderful day, pretty girl," Colin said, kissing me on the top of my head.

  I leaned forward, reaching underneath my front porch swing as he walked away. I had hidden his Valentine's Day gift before he'd picked me up, just because I didn't want to carry it with me. I heard the trunk close, and then Colin was trotting back up the stairs with a gift bag in his hands.

  I shook my head at him, grinning shyly at the fact that he'd still gotten me a gift even though I'd asked him not to. "What the Hell is that?"

  He handed me the gift bag, lowering his head bashfully. I rolled my eyes at him, then handed him the present that I'd gotten for him.

  "Looks like I'm not the only one who broke the Valentine's Day rules," he joked, taking my gift.

  "Oh, hush. It's nothing too big." I was beyond anxious for him to open his gift, and it looked as though he was too. "You go first."

  I watched in eager anticipation as he ripped the cheesy wrapping paper off it. He flipped it over and looked down. He examined th
e front cover of my favorite book, The Fault In Our Stars, then flipped it open.

  "'Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book,'" he read aloud. His green eyes met mine and he flashed a cute boyish grin at me. "This is...wow, Nickayla. When you told me this was your favorite book, I guess I didn't think you'd ever let me read it. This is amazing." He paused, groaning and reaching for his gift. "Give me that back."

  I jerked my hand away, leaping up onto the porch swing, and trying to get away from him as quickly as possible. I held it over the other end of the porch, holding the present out of his reach. "No, Indian giver!"

  Colin ran over to me, trying to tickle me and coax the gift from out of my hands, but I wriggled away from him just in time to pull the gift out of the bag. It was a light blue, zip-up, "LOVE is the movement" hoodie from one of my favorite non-profit organizations, To Write Love On Her Arms. I didn't remember mentioning to him that I loved that company and all that they stood for, so I could only assume that it was one of his.

  "Colin this is perfect!" I exclaimed, unfolding the hoodie and pulling it on. I zipped it up and then stuffed my hands in the pockets. When I did, I felt something sturdy and hard, so I pulled it out, examining it. "What's this?"

  Colin smiled at me shyly, his eyes alight with excitement. "I found it on the beach on our first date. I just wanted to keep it until the perfect moment and then give it to you."

  I looked down at the rock that was in my hand, dark grey and heart-shaped, and perfect. I held it to my chest and closed my eyes, then I ran at Colin full-speed and draping my arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. His arms encircled my waist, and my legs wrapped around his waist as I held onto him for dear life.

  "It's perfect, Colin. All of this is." My mouth was right near his ear, and I could barely contain my tears. I was flustered as I tried to find the words to explain what I was feeling in that moment.

  He set me down on the floor but I kept my arms where they were, holding him as close to me as was physically possible. His hand cradled the back of my head, and his forehead touched mine as we gazed into each other's eyes. "Do you remember what I asked you the night of our first date?"

  I nodded. "What's the most important thing you've ever given someone? You answered that question too."

  Colin nodded slowly, his lips inching closer and closer to mine. His other hand held onto the small of my back, pulling me closer to him.

  "I never really answered that question." His voice was soft...sultry. "I told you what the second most important thing I'd ever given was." He closed his eyes and gave me a light peck on the lips. "The most important thing I've ever given someone...well, you're holding it in your hands."

  I cocked my eyebrow at him, not sure what he was talking about. The only thing that I was holding was the rock he'd just given me. When I finally realized the meaning behind it, I was rendered speechless.

  "My heart," Colin whispered. And with those two words, I came completely undone. I stood on my tiptoes and I kissed him with more fire and more passion than I ever knew that I had in me.

  After that, I was sure that I'd start to love Valentine's Day.

  Ten.

  "My dad has been like that for as long as I could remember," Colin said, shaking his head as he stared out the window of his bedroom. "I swear he looks at Suze like she's the golden girl, but I'm this colossal disappointment."

  His father was away on business, and I had gotten permission from my dad to spend the weekend with Colin. We were having one of our many heart to hearts, and unfortunately I was finding myself feeling such sympathy for Colin.

  "But why?" I asked. "I can't imagine why someone wouldn't love you, Colin."

  He grinned slightly, the smile not exactly touching his eyes.

  "Well, you might have to get used to the idea, princess, because Holden Westwick never will," he mused, his voice soft with longing.

  I had never noticed it before, but there was a quiet sadness in his eyes whenever we spoke of his relationship with his dad. I couldn't blame him--I had seen the same thing in Michele's eyes when we were younger and her dad left, and I'd seen it in Brody's when his mom died, and he had to take care of his younger siblings without his dad's help. I was the only one out of all my friends whose parents were still together.

  "I don't know," I said. "Seeing him hit you like that was so...painful to watch. I've never experienced anything like that before in my life." My breath caught in my throat, and I fought back the tears I desperately wanted to let fall. "It really scared me."

  Colin turned to look at me, his eyes softened with worry as he walked over to me. He crawled onto the bed, sitting behind me and wrapping his arms around me as he kissed the top of my head.

  "I know," he said quietly. "I'm sorry that you even had to see that. My dad's a dick, and you shouldn't have had to witness that. I'm sorry you did. That's probably the ugliest part of my life, and you had to see it the same day you agreed to be my girlfriend." He sighed from behind me. "I'm surprised you haven't run yet."

  I turned around, crossing my legs as I looked into his green eyes, nothing but pain and sadness behind them. I reached out to touch his face, and he leaned in to meet my feather light touch. He closed his eyes, turning slightly and kissing my palm.

  "Colin, I would never run, not from you," I said. "Everybody has something ugly in their life, and if we're going to be together, if we're going to be serious about each other, we need to know everything, even if it is ugly or uncomfortable."

  He kept his eyes closed as he shook his head. I knew that he was reliving that night, and probably a hundred other nights over the course of his childhood in his mind. The last thing that I wanted was to make him remember that emotional pain, but it seemed like I had little to no control over it. His mind was going to stay focused on it whether it was what I wanted or not.

  "Colin, look at me," I said. "Please?"

  His breathing became ragged, and his fists clenched at his sides, much like they had the other night. In all the books, writers explain watching the people you loved in pain as a moment of great revelation, as a moment of reflection, a moment where you decide that not only do you never want to see them in pain, but you never want to be the one to cause then any pain either.

  On the contrary, in that moment, I just saw vulnerability in Colin's demeanor. I wanted to hug him, wanted to kiss him, wanted to soothe him so that he knew that even if his father didn't love him, I did. Even if no one was going to stand up against his father, I would. Even if no one would protect Colin, I'd go to my grave doing exactly that.

  "Colin, please," I said, pleading frantically with him.

  His eyes opened, but they were vacant, empty, staring into some distant place that I didn't feel like I could reach. My heart hurt at the sight of him, but I reached for him anyway, even though I knew that mentally he had gone somewhere I could not follow.

  "Colin," I said. "Babe, look at me."

  His eyes ceased the seemingly never-ending search and he finally met my gaze, opening his arms for me. I clambered into his lap, reveling in the feeling that his embrace was something of a safe haven for me. I closed my eyes, resting my hands upon his as they wrapped around me, resting in my lap.

  "I'll never leave you," I said. "The only place that I want to be, the only place I'll ever want to be is right here with you. No matter what happens, Colin, you're endgame for me."

  "Endgame?" he asked.

  "Endgame," I repeated, nodding. "It means no matter what, I plan on ending up with you. I say show me the ugly; show me the uncomfortable, because none of it will change the way I feel about you. I will be with you as long as you want me."

  I tilted my head back, eager to get a look at him and his reaction to what I'd just said. His eyes were peaceful, serene, something that I hadn't really seen in him since the other night with his dad.


  "I'm sorry, is it too soon?" I asked.

  He shook his head frantically, leaning down and kissing me on the forehead.

  "No, Nic, it's not too soon at all," he said. "It's perfect." He took a deep breath, releasing it slowly as his breath made a whistle of some sort. "So you want to hear all the ugly, huh?"

  Was that I what I wanted? Did I want to hear every deep, dark detail that was hidden in the depths of Colin's soul? Maybe I didn't. Maybe hearing about the things and people that hurt him would be the end of me. But maybe, just maybe, it would be the beginning of us.

  "Yes," I said. "Whatever it is that's in your heart, I want to know about it. Take me there."

  He laid down, a hand behind his head. Seeing him that way, so relaxed, so carefree in the way that his whole body was stretched out, reminded me of the reason I started falling for him in the first place. With his free hand, he reached out for mine, pulling me toward him so that I was lying right beside him in his bed, my head resting on his stomach.

  "When I was ten years old, my dad told me I was a disappointment to him because I chose learning to play the piano over joining little league baseball," he said. "When I was eleven, he threw his shoe at my head, and it knocked me out, leaving me a scar, right here." He pointed toward a scar on his eyebrow. "I don't even remember why he threw it, to be honest. When I was thirteen, he left me stranded ten miles from home because I made the losing shot at my first attempt at playing basketball. It's like, he expects so much of me, and if I don't live up to those expectations, he goes insane. I can't even begin to understand it, but I hope to God when I have a son someday, he never has to feel the way I feel when I'm around my dad. It's the worst feeling in the world."

  I shook my head, reaching for his hand and squeezing it.

  "No one deserves to feel that way, babe," I said. "Especially you. You deserve better."

  I heard a car door close, and I walked over to the window, only to see Colin emerge, wearing a monkey suit that I'd never seen before. I had to admit, it was amusing, because he didn't bother dressing up half that much when he met my dad, yet when it came to my brothers, and he was pulling out all the stops.