Losing Me

by Jasmine Carolina

  "This has been a weird ass day, babe," I muttered against Colin's chest. "I get bullied by my ex; you put him in a chokehold in the gym. Then later, you come to my house to play ball with and hug my best friend. Strange, isn't it?"

  "The strangest," Colin said, a soft chuckle tickling my ear. "But I wouldn't trade it for anything."

  Thirteen.

  "You love me, don't you Nic?" Kyle asked as he moved above me, each thrust making me wince, cry out, tears streaming from my eyes. "I know you love me. If you didn't you wouldn't let me do this."

  I tried to scream, tried to cry, tried to make any noise that could possibly make someone hear me, make someone help me, but I couldn't make a sound. I opened my mouth, I mustered all my voice, but nothing came out. I was empty, a silent shell of a person, nothing but a mere prop in Kyle's show.

  He held my hands out and away from my body, not letting me touch him. In the dim light that seeped through the windows from the street, I could see the scratches that I'd made along his neck and chest in the struggle to get him off of me.

  "You feel so good, Nic," he moaned, a smile creeping up along the edges of his mouth as he moved faster, pushed harder, until I felt as though I would spontaneously burst into flames beneath him.

  There was nothing that I could do to stop him, no words that I could say to make him see how badly he was hurting me. He closed his eyes, releasing my hands and working faster, faster still, and I buried my face in my hands as I sobbed uncontrollably. He was completely oblivious, his grin ecstatic and victorious as he pounded into me. I could see his breathing become ragged.

  No, I thought. This isn't what I want! Please, God, get me out of here. Please, I'll never come to another party again. I don't want this. Oh, God, I don't want this...

  He collapsed on me finally, crushing me underneath his hard, sturdy body. He grabbed both of my hands between his and pulled me against him.

  "I love you Nic," he said.

  "You don't love me," I said. I could have sworn that I thought it, but I'd said it out loud. I spoke louder and with more conviction. "If you loved me, you wouldn't hurt me like this."

  He sneered, releasing my hands and clambering on top of me so that he was straddling my hips, his hands grazing my breasts and rubbing them in a way that made me sick to my stomach.

  "Hurt you?" he asked. "I would never hurt you, Nic. You want this. Of course you do."

  I cried out then as he held my hands down.

  "No!" I screeched. "Get off of me! Please! You're hurting me! No!"

  "Nic," he said. "Nickayla. Nickayla!"

  I cried out, my scream catching in my throat.

  "No! Let go of me! You're hurting me!" I sobbed.

  "Nickayla! Nickayla, baby, wake up!" he yelled.

  I jolted awake, disoriented as I tried to process where I was and what had just happened. Suddenly, I felt arms around me, and I thrashed wildly, trying to pull away. I was sobbing horribly, my shoulders shaking and my entire body feeling cold.

  "Baby, it's me," Colin said quietly, as he moved toward me, his eyes bright with fear and concern, his hands in the air in surrender, much like the night that I met him. "I'm going to hold you, okay?"

  I nodded slowly, nearly collapsing in his arms as they wrapped around me. I didn't cry, because I didn't really have any tears left, but I shook uncontrollably in his arms for what felt like hours. He brushed my hair out of my eyes and kissed me on the forehead. I could see the fear in his eyes when I looked at him, but I couldn't speak. I just let him hold me. I let him heal me with his touch, with his gentle kiss, with his sweet, soothing words whispered into my hair as I tried to stop the anxiety.

  "Nic, it was just a nightmare," he whispered, his hands rubbing small, calming circles over my back.

  I nodded into his chest, unable to speak. I took a few deep breaths trying to steady myself and then looked at him.

  "You okay?" he asked.

  I stared at him for a moment, trying to figure out what I could say that could make any of this better.

  "No," I said, surprised at my own honesty, "but I will be."

  He forced a smile, but I could see that he was shaken up nearly as much as I was. I pulled away from his chest, getting up off the floor, regaining my composure. I suddenly remembered why I was there in the first place, and was ashamed at what Colin had just had to witness.

  I had gone over to Colin's house to order pizza and watch a couple movies with him. I didn't know when I'd fallen asleep or why, especially since I hadn't been tired, but I felt terrible that Colin had just witnessed the first nightmare of many.

  "Do you have something sweet in here?" I asked slowly, admiring his grin as his eyes lit up again.

  "I think we've got some mint chocolate chip Dreyer's in the freezer," he offered.

  "Let's go," I said, taking his hand and dragging him toward the kitchen.

  He chuckled as we raced downstairs, and I was glad to see that his sense of humor was coming back. He opened the freezer and pulled the carton of ice cream out, then handed me two spoons from the utensil drawer. I admired his smile as he opened it and took a spoonful, serving himself some of the ice cream, but the smile didn't reach his eyes.

  His eyes were like a window right into his soul, and in them were all the questions and comments that I knew he was afraid to voice. I could see it, and it made me want to comfort him even though I knew that he wanted nothing more than to comfort me. I could read his thoughts like an open book: Are you okay? That was ugly and scary and I don't know what to do about it. What's going on in that mind of yours?

  "I'm sorry," I said, looking down at the spoonful of ice cream before I put it in my mouth.

  Colin looked up at me, his expression wary.

  "Sorry for what?" he asked. "For having a nightmare that clearly scared the shit out of you? Why would you say sorry for that?"

  Suddenly, I was unable to look at him. I was ashamed of myself, ashamed of my subconscious, ashamed of my heart and the secrets it carried around like a thousand pound weight. I was ashamed that I was showing all the worst parts of myself to Colin and I kept worrying that it was too much for him to handle.

  "Because," I murmured, "I had a horrible nightmare and now you're giving me that look--that one you'd give to someone who just confessed that they were adopted or they were abused by their parents or abandoned on some stranger's doorstep like Harry Potter. Because I keep getting this feeling that I'm going to scare you away."

  His eyes closed and he lowered his head, shaking it frantically. When he looked back up at me, the look in his eyes was lethal enough to drop a grown man to his knees. He slammed his hand down on the counter, startling me, but his eyes never left my face.

  "You said you wanted me to get angry," he said through gritted teeth. "Well, guess what? I'm angry. I don't understand you, Nickayla." He paused, taking a deep breath, and when he did that, I knew that I was in for it. "I found you drowning in a lake for God's sake. I invited you into my home and let you sleep in my bed. I helped defend you from your psycho ex on my first day at a new school. I've seen you cry more in the time I've known you than I've ever seen you smile. Yet, I'm still here! And yet, I haven't run away! What the Hell do I have to do to convince you that I'm not going anywhere? What the Hell do I have to say to prove to you that nothing will chase me away? When will you get it through your head that I love you? Whether you have nightmares, or try to kill yourself-- and don't look at me like that, I know that's what you were trying to do--, or have some picture of you half-naked with your ex plastered all over the school, or have nightmares and scream bloody fucking murder, I'm still going to love you. I love you in spite of all that—goddamn it, Nickayla, I love you because of all that! So stop assuming that every time I get a glimpse of the real you I'm going to run for the fucking hills!"

  I sat there, stunned. I could practically see the fury radiating off his skin. I wanted to reach out for him, I wanted to touch him, but I could see that that was the last thing he n
eeded at that moment.

  "Colin, I'm sorry," I said.

  "Yeah, you're sorry," he scoffed. "You're always sorry. I just wish you had as much faith in me as I have in you. I know you can get through this, whatever it is that's going on with you. And I know that if you let me, I can start the process of healing your heart. But that can't happen if you always think I'm going to break up with you just because something goes wrong."

  I nodded, staring at the carton of ice cream that sat between us. I didn't know what to say, or what to do.

  "Colin, I don't know what to say," I said, honestly.

  "Don't say anything," he snapped. "Listen, I love you, I do. But I would really love you more if you actually had faith in me."

  I nodded slowly, taking in everything he was saying. It wasn't like it was a bunch of lies. I knew that I had been treating him unfairly, knew that he deserved to know every ugly corner of my heart and mind, but I still couldn't bring myself to tell him what was wrong.

  His eyes bored into mine, and I could see the pain reflected there. What was going on with me and the fact that I wouldn't tell him clearly affected him more than I ever realized.

  "Nickayla, I don't know what's going on," he said slowly. "And you know I'm trying my hardest not to push you. I'm sorry you had that nightmare and I'm sorry for whatever happened to you that caused you to have it, but I really think that it's best if we give each other some space right now...and maybe some time."

  I nodded, my eyes stinging with the tears that threatened to spring free.

  "Okay," I croaked, trying to keep the tears at bay. I stood up, pushing away from the table as I scurried to the living room to grab my things and leave.

  I could hear his short, calculated footsteps behind me, and I panicked, my heart racing. I didn't want to cry in front of him, not over this. I deserved this, of course I did.

  "Nic," he said.

  Hearing him call me by my nickname hurt more than it should have. He was probably one of the only people who called me by my full name. I wanted him to call me by my name, wanted him to say it in that sweet way that only he could.

  "Nic," he repeated from behind me. I turned to look at him and he planted a kiss on my forehead. "We're not breaking up. I just need a little bit of time right now to see if I want to be with someone who doesn't trust me."

  I nodded, stalking out of the house and getting in my car.

  Of course, I fucked up even the best thing in my life.

  I couldn't get out of bed. I lay there, curled into a ball, a pillow crushed against my chest as I sobbed. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to look around my room and see the constant reminders of Colin.

  If I opened them, I knew what I'd see. I'd see the picture of Colin and I in my backyard, me on a swing and grinning up at the camera, with him standing behind me, his arms wrapped around me like he couldn't stand to let me go for even a second. I'd see the stuffed monkey he'd won for me at the arcade in the backroom of the bowling alley on one of our first dates. I'd see the pair of movie tickets stapled to my headboard and the strip of photos that we took at the photo booth on our way out. I'd see his hoodie that he'd wrapped around my shoulders when he brought me home the night I agreed to be his girlfriend and we kissed late into the night.

  He was all over my bedroom, taking over everything and sucking the life out of me. It was hard to breathe, hard to focus on anything but him when everything that reminded me of him was right there in front of me.

  The truth of the matter was, I didn't want to leave my room either. I wanted to stay there, where Colin's presence seeped into every breath I struggled to take, because after everything I'd done, it was as close as I was going to get to him for a while.

  I heard my phone vibrate a good five times, and I couldn't deny the lingering hope that maybe Colin was calling me to ask me to come over. I reached for it, checking all of my notifications only to find that I'd had about ten text messages.

  Michele Alexandra: Kales! Nickayla! Is everything okay? Colin text me and said to check on you. WTH?

  Michele Alexandra: Okay, normally you text me within SECONDS. Do I need to come over?

  Brody: Giving you your space because I know you need it. Text me if you need anything. Love you.

  Michele Alexandra: WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING MY TEXTS? I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OKAY!

  Brody: Still giving you your space, but can I ask a favor? Answer Michie's texts for the love of GOD.

  Michele Alexandra: I dunno what happened with you and Westwick, but it has NOTHING to do with me Kales! I'm worried here, so answer me or I'm coming over! >:O

  Michele Alexandra: NICKAYLA ALICIA QUINN! Why does Westwick sound like he just got his ass beat? CALL ME, NOW.

  Michele Alexandra: That's it. I gave you FAIR WARNING. I'M COMING OVER.

  Michele Alexandra: OPEN YOUR FRONT DOOR OR I'M COMING THROUGH THE WINDOW, NICKAYLA ALICIA.

  I was just about to burst into tears again when I got a quick glimpse of the most recent text message. It was from Colin, and my heart nearly burst out of my chest at the sight.

  Babe <3: I still love you. We'll talk soon, I promise. Time, remember?

  For some reason, that didn't make me feel any better. It only made me want to cry even more. I just wanted to curl right back into a ball, but I knew that if I didn't go downstairs and open the door for Michele, she would do whatever she had to do to get inside, including but not limited to climbing in through the window.

  I walked over to my desk and pulled on Colin's hoodie, closing my eyes as I inhaled his scent. I wrapped my arms around myself, and then walked downstairs. I could see Michie's outline through the screen door, and she was standing there impatiently, her foot tapping.

  I pushed my hair back, unlocking the door for her.

  "Nic, what the hell is going on?" she asked, barging inside in her typical fashion.

  "Colin's calling me saying that you left his place upset and I should check on you! I text you a bajillion times and you don't answer! Brody texts you and you don't answer him either! And you're--," she paused, looking me over. Her eyes grew sympathetic and she lowered her voice. "Jesus, Kales. You've been crying. Why? What's going on?"

  I shook my head, not ready to talk, not ready to tell her why I was so upset. I couldn't tell her, not when she'd warned me over and over again that I was going to lose Colin due to my own stubborn tendencies.

  "I don't want to talk about it," I said.

  "Well, you're gonna have to, Nic," she said, slamming the door. "I'm not Colin. I'm not going to push you because that's not what you need, but I'm also not going to let you sit here all holed up in your house wearing Westwick's sweatshirt, lying in bed, and crying to some depressing ass Dashboard Confessional song. Sorry, Nickayla, but you know that's not how I roll. Now go to the kitchen, get the Ben and Jerry's and your mom's chocolate chip cookies and tell me what's wrong."

  I could feel my lower lip quiver, the threat of more tears, and I knew that Michie saw it every bit as much as I felt it. I looked down, not wanting her to see my tears fall.

  "Fine," she said, throwing her hands in the air. "I'll go get the cookies and ice cream." She paused in the doorway to the kitchen, then put her hands to her mouth and gave me the most pitiful expression. "You're a mess, Nickayla."

  I nodded, knowing that she was right. It had only been a couple of hours, and I felt like my heart was going to give out. I willed myself to move out of the foyer and into the living room, where I plopped down on the couch and drew my knees up to my chin, wrapping my arms around them.

  Michele came into the living room bearing the entire cookie jar, the entire pint of Chunky Monkey, and two large, wooden serving spoons.

  "Nikky forgot to unload the dishwasher again," she said as she handed me one of the spoons and opened the ice cream. "And it's not my fucking job, so this is what we're eating with."

  I reached for a bite of it, realizing how much had changed in the couple of hours it had been since I sat in Colin's kitche
n eating ice cream with him. That thought alone was enough to make tears spring to my eyes again.

  "Alright, Nic," Michie said, snatching the ice cream away from me, just as I was about to put it in my mouth. "That's enough. We're not going to do this. You're going to talk to me, or you're going to talk to me. There's no other option."

  I buried my face in my hands, Colin's too big sleeves falling over my fingertips. I could still smell him as if he were right there with me, as if he were wrapping his arms around me right then.

  "He said he wants space," I whispered.

  Her eyes widened, and for a moment, I wondered if she would go into a long speech about how big of an asshole Colin was. I stared at her, growing afraid when her eyes narrowed.

  "You still haven't told him, have you?" she asked.

  I could feel the rage bubbling up inside me.

  "You were right, Michele!" I yelled. "You were right! Is that what you want to hear? I had a nightmare about Kyle, and I couldn't talk to him about it. I wouldn't talk to him about it. He said everything you said--that I don't trust him. Then he asked for space. I'm going to lose him, just like you said! So take the fucking Chunky Monkey and get the Hell out of my house if the only thing you're going to say is 'I told you so'!"

  I expected her to yell back at me, to tell me that I was being childish, that I was being stupid, and everything she said was the truth. Instead, she leaned forward, wrapping me in a hug, the thing that I needed in that moment more than Chunky Monkey or Colin's sweatshirt or my body pillow that I'd held on to countless times over the past six months.

  "Nic, I wasn't going to say I told you so," she said.

  "Yes you were," I accused, sobbing against her shoulder.

  Her shoulders shook, and I could hear a tiny giggle escape her mouth.

  "Okay, maybe I was," she conceded. "But what I wanted to say more than anything is that you haven't lost him yet. You can still fix this."