I was so far gone that I was sure Colin had left me. The mere thought of him leaving me again was too much to bear as I screamed again. I felt a hand at my back and another on my shoulder, and I flipped my head up swiftly, only to see Colin's pained expression as he gently unfolded me and cradled me in his arms. I was sitting in his lap, his arms holding me as tight as they possibly could. I wrapped an arm around his neck, burying my face in his collarbone, sobbing as he rocked me, soothing me, holding me, caring for me like only he knew how.
"Nickayla, sweetie," he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. "Please, tell me what happened."
"He raped me," I sobbed. "Kyle raped me."
Fifteen.
Everything was silent for a long time. All I could hear was the sound of my own cries, a vicious, tearing, ripping sound as though my heart was being ripped from my chest.
Colin's hands dropped, and I shook violently, wracked with sobs. I only gripped him tighter, tighter, as I let all the walls fall down. The tears came rushing out of me like a river. He wrapped his arms around me again, gently this time as I let myself really cry for the first time. A strange, ripping sound escaped my mouth as I bawled, a death grip on the only person who was able to hold me together. I coiled in on myself against him. I shivered, cold running through me as I recalled everything that happened, every word that was spoken between Kyle and I since then, every question being shot at me from my friends and family, tracing the change in my personality back to that night.
I risked a look at Colin, and when I did, his eyes were closed, but he found me blindly, kissing me on the forehead, cradling me against him with his strong arms as though it was where I belonged. He squeezed me, holding me tightly and resting his chin on top of my head. I didn't return the hug, but I grabbed onto his shirt, pulling it as another sob fought its way free. I rocked against him, crying into his shoulder, releasing all my pain into his heart. My secret was no longer mine. It was mine, it was his, and there I was in his arms, safe once again. I shook my head, trying to shake the thoughts, the feelings of guilt, but they wouldn't subside, no matter what I did.
"I asked for it," I cried. "I did. I wanted him so bad, Colin. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to want me. My skirt was too short. I went into a room alone with him. I let him give me a drink." I sobbed again, pulling away from him and looking into his green eyes for the first time since my confession. "But I told him that I didn't want to, I swear I did."
He took my face in his hands as his eyes flashed between fury and pain. He shook his head at me. I looked away, afraid to see what brewed behind the mask.
"Nickayla, look at me," he said gently. "Please, baby, look at me."
I risked a glance at him, finding only compassion in his eyes.
"I asked for it," I said, hiccupping between each word. "I couldn't stop him even if I wanted to."
His hand found the back of my neck, touching that spot I loved so much, cradling my head in his hands. I leaned into his grasp, never looking away from him.
"Baby, baby, baby," he crooned, his voice barely above a whisper, pulling me close to him again. "I'm never going to let him hurt you again. I promise you, he's never going to hurt you again."
I buried my face in his shirt, my chest rising and falling rapidly as I struggled to catch my breath. He held me close, rubbing my back in the small circles like only he could.
"I just wanted him to love me," I said. "I loved him so much and he hurt me. I don't want to be hurt anymore, Colin. I...I don't want to be broken anymore. I can't be."
I felt him adjust, then I felt his hands at the back of my knees. I could feel myself being lifted off the ground. He walked over to my bed, setting me down gently. He lifted my legs and pulled my blanket from under me, tucking me into the blankets.
I gulped, tears falling as I curled into the fetal position. I brought my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them as my body wracked with more sobs. I watched through tear-filled eyes as Colin raked his hands through his hair, then ran his hand down his face. He walked slowly over to my door.
"Colin," I croaked, struggling to find my voice. "Please don't leave me."
He stared at me unblinkingly, shaking his head at me as he closed the door to my bedroom, and then kicked off his shoes, climbing cautiously into the bed with me. He curled himself around me, our bodies fit perfectly together. He wrapped his arms around me, cradling me against his chest.
"Never," he whispered. "I'll never leave you again."
He kissed the top of my head, pushing my hair out of my face. I closed my eyes as I heard him start humming.
I knew the tune well: Take Me There. Colin's mouth opened and he sang the words so tenderly, almost like a whisper. His soft voice lulled me, and he continued to sing about wanting to know everything there was to know about me. A sense of calm washed over me at his words, and for the first time in what felt like forever, I was starting to see the silver lining around the dark clouds that had loomed over me for far too long.
I didn't know when I fell asleep, but I didn't have any nightmares.
When I woke up a few hours later, my head felt like an elephant was standing on it. I could barely keep my eyes open, and I had a stomachache. I opened my eyes, searching for Colin. I turned over in bed, finding him on the other side of me, sound asleep. I laid my head on his chest gently, wrapping an arm around him cautiously, not wanting to wake him.
He budged slightly, his arm moving to wrap freely around my waist. He stretched slightly, his eyes opening. They softened when they found my face, and his arm tightened around me. He had me so close to his body that I was sure I would combust from all the heat that I felt emanating from him.
"Hi," he whispered, smiling softly.
"Hi," I replied, coughing as the last syllable caused a strangle tickle in my throat.
Great. I was hoarse. How much had I been yelling?
Colin turned onto his side, his other arm finding my hips as his fingers lightly grazed my side, a soothing gesture I had learned to love. His eyes remained fixed on the ceiling as though he were in deep thought.
"Do you want to know?" I asked, closing my eyes as a lone tear escaped.
He reached up to touch my face lightly with his thumb as his eyes met mine, sending chills through my body. I could see the pain in his eyes, the frustration and anger brewing behind his calm, cool exterior.
"Only if you want to tell me," he said.
I knew that he didn't want to hear any of it. I knew that it would only hurt him increasingly more at that point, but I needed him to know. I needed to tell him every gruesome detail, because if I didn't, I'd never be able to start healing. I'd never be able to let him help me heal.
I opened my eyes and found his. They held no judgment, no anger, no fear. All I saw etched in those brilliant emerald eyes was love.
I nodded, sitting up, then taking his hand and pulling him up with me. I inhaled sharply, trying to find the words to explain everything. I knew that he would wait. He had waited three months to find out my deepest secret, and he showed no signs of wanting to leave. I just needed a few extra minutes to pull myself together.
"It was nine months ago," I began. "I went to this party that Ben Kingston was throwing, with Michele, Brody, and Kyle. Kyle and I had liked each other since middle school, and we were planning on using the party as an excuse to have a room to ourselves and have our first kiss, just to explore if there were any sparks." I paused. "He had been drinking all night. I had a sip of a vodka cranberry--not enough to even get buzzed. We went to Ben's room, and we had our first kiss." I closed my eyes at the memory. It was harder than I thought. "I felt that kiss all the way to my toes. It was magical. But I could see in his eyes that something was wrong, that he wanted more than I was willing to give him. He started grabbing me. He was touching my boobs and my stomach and my thighs, getting way too close for comfort." I sighed. "When I told him that I was uncomfortable, he just said, 'You love me don't you Nic? If you do, this shou
ld be exactly what you want.'"
I watched Colin's reaction cautiously as he sucked in a shocked breath. I could tell that he was trying to keep his breathing even for my sake. I could tell that he was trying to keep himself together, because all Hell would break loose if the both of us went off the deep end.
"I told him that I wasn't ready," I said. "I told him that I didn't want to have sex with him, but he kept going anyway. I cried the entire time--and not only because it hurt me physically. It hurt me emotionally. I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. He kept telling me not to cry, not to be upset, that he loved me." I paused. "But I didn't feel loved. I felt used, and betrayed, and dirty. I went home and cried myself to sleep and I didn't speak to him again." I closed my eyes as the tears fell once more, taking myself back to the worst time of my life. "I was like a zombie. I don't remember much of the last nine months, except nightmares every night and lots of tears." I sighed. "I always expected that sex would be magical, special. Instead, it's something that I just wish I could forget. All I keep thinking is that I'm going to always be damaged. How am I going to feel when my body wants you, but my heart is scared to let you have me? Am I going to go the rest of my life never having sex? Never having babies? I don't want him to take that away from me, but I feel like he already did. He took my free will, he broke my soul, and he stole my peace of mind. God, if I could just get rid of the nightmares..."
I could feel him tense up beside me. The last time that I'd had a nightmare, he was there, and I knew, knew to the depths of my soul that it frightened him every bit as much as it frightened me.
"Colin, I hate the nightmares." I folded my hands together, wringing them in nervousness. "I would bring Kenzie or Callie in here to sleep with me, thinking that company would help me sleep better. I'd volunteer to sleep with all three of my nieces, just so I wouldn't have to sleep alone. But the nightmares came anyway." I stared up at him. "All I keep thinking about is him above me. He looked so happy, so pleased with himself, like it was something that made him happy, even though all I could do was cry. I tried to fight him off, but I wasn't strong enough. If I close my eyes, I can remember exactly how it felt when he pinned me against that bed, taking everything from me in a manner of minutes. And when I close my eyes for too long and fall asleep, it takes fucking weeks to get those images out of my head." I forced a smile. "The first night without a bad dream was the night I met you--the first night I slept in your arms."
I took Colin's hand, squeezing it gently.
"Colin, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you," I said. "I wasn't sure how you were going to deal with it--I haven't dealt with it so well myself. I was scared that it would make you love me less, or think less of me somehow--like I was damaged goods."
Colin leaned forward and kissed me softly on the lips, using the pads of his thumbs to wipe the tears from my eyes.
"Nickayla, nothing you could ever say could make me love you less," he vowed. "I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, and more importantly, I'm sorry that you went through it alone. You are beautiful, special, amazing, and so strong, baby."
I leaned my head against his shoulder.
"I'm not going to keep anything from you again," I promised. "I'm so sorry that I did. Next time, I promise I'll tell you, and we can deal with it together."
Colin eyed me suspiciously.
"Next time?" he asked. "There isn't going to be a next time, Nickayla." He kissed me softly on the lips to seal the deal. "No one is ever going to hurt you again."
I nodded against him.
I didn't know what to feel. Should I have felt relieved, happy, free, now that he knew? I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, but I didn't know if that was simply because that weight had shifted and Colin had taken some of it from me, so that I didn't have to bear it alone.
He held me like that for a long time, in humble silence, as all the events of the past week replayed in my mind. I played them over and over again: Kyle plastering that picture of me, my nightmare, Colin asking for space, Michie telling me that he needed to know. It all seemed like it was part of some huge plan, and it involved me being the only one in the position to change it all.
"Colin," I whispered.
"Are we--,"I paused, afraid to ask the question for fear of what his answer might be. "Are we still taking...time...apart?"
I paused, waiting for him to tense up like he always did when I asked him a question that he didn't want to answer or mentioned something that was difficult for him to talk or hear about. That reaction never came. Instead, he held me tighter, and I could feel his head shake.
"No," he said, firmly. "The last thing you need right now is to be alone, and the last thing I want to do is leave you to deal with this by yourself all over again. I love you, and I know I was stupid for asking you to give me time and space." I looked up at him in time to see him rake his hands over his face. "I didn't even realize how stupid I was until just now when you told me why you were scared to tell me about Kyle. Now I feel like even more of an insensitive jackass. I'm surprised you haven't broken up with me yet."
I sighed.
"Colin, I'm not going to break up with you just because you asked for space," I said. "It was a natural reaction to how I was treating you, and I knew that it was coming. Michele warned me over and over again, and instead of listening to her, instead of trusting you, I kept pushing you away. All of this is just as much my fault as it is yours."
"God, Nickayla, stop saying that," Colin said, his voice gruff with frustration. "Stop blaming yourself. None of this is your fault."
I nodded, agreeing with him even if deep down I didn't quite believe it. We sat there in silence for a long while. His arms cradled me, and the silence was so profound, so pregnant that I wished that one of us would say something--anything.
"Colin, are you a virgin?" I asked, suddenly.
He chuckled beside me, and I turned to gaze at him just as he pushed his hair away from his face.
"Considering that I've only had one girlfriend--and that relationship lasted only two weeks--it's easy to assume that I am," he said, grinning. "But no, I'm not." He paused and folded his hands in his lap. "There was this girl named Chanel at a summer camp I went to when I was 15. We were pretty good friends, and we just mutually decided to have sex and see what the fuss was about. That sounds really bad, doesn't it?"
I nodded, nudging him with my shoulder.
"Is this the part where you tell me that you have a son or daughter that I don't know about?" I asked, playfully.
"Oh, yeah!" Colin said, laughing. "I have a daughter named Katie and she's a year old."
"Don't make me slap you!"
He chuckled, ducking and rolling off the bed, grabbing my hand and pulling me with him so that we were on the floor, a bundle of tangled legs and arms and endless laughter.
I sat up, pulling him into a sitting position, my entire body still wracked with fits of giggles. His arms wrapped around me easily, and I nuzzled my head against his chest, unable to keep myself from inhaling his sweet scent.
"So you never had sex with Mads, then?" I asked.
I could feel Colin's eyes on me, but I couldn't help but ask that question. Mads was his only girlfriend before me, and if he'd had sex with her, I knew that I didn't stand a chance. After everything with Kyle, I didn't know when or if I'd be ready to have sex again.
"No," he replied, his voice tender. "I always wanted to wait for that right moment. When I caught Mads cheating on me, she was actually having sex with this asshole. Not only did it make me see her in a totally different light--I could never look at her as anything more than a little sister after that--but it made me change my mind about the 'right moment'. I never have and never will have sex with Madilyn."
"Good," I replied, smoothly. "Because I was kind of nervous that maybe you had."
"Why?"
I didn't know quite how to voice my fear, my concerns. I didn't know how to tell him what was really bothering me. I didn't want to be
that girlfriend who was jealous, possessive, and controlling, but I couldn't deny the fact that I was scared that he'd expect something more from me--something that I wasn't quite ready to give.
"Because if you had sex with Mads, I would feel like I had to have sex with you," I said, my cheeks flaming. "And I don't know if I can do that."
Colin gaped at me, his mouth wide open, standing up hastily.
When he did that, my heart began racing; I was afraid that he was going to leave and never come back. I sat there, my back against the wall as he stared down at me momentarily. I could only hear our steady breathing, the shallow beating of both of our hearts. I swear, my heart skipped a beat when he extended his hands to me and pulled me to my feet.
He led me toward my vanity mirror, standing behind me and wrapping his arms around my middle, his hands clasping around my waist.
"Baby, look in the mirror," he whispered, his mouth centimeters from my ear.
I stared in the mirror, wondering what it was that he expected me to see. I saw that my eyes were red and puffy, that my hair was all over the place and I'd have to spend two hours straightening it again, that my cheeks were flamed with red and that I was being held by possibly the most perfect guy I'd ever met.
"I see that I'm a mess and you're perfect, as always," I whispered back.
He chuckled slightly against me, kissing my neck as he pointed at our reflection.
"You're beautiful, Nickayla," he said, his voice like a freight train breaking through the walls I'd built around my heart once more. "Look at you. You've managed to find a way to smile at least once a day, despite what happened to you. You get up every single day and you amaze me with your grace. You've dealt with all of this better than most people would have. I love you for you." He paused, kissing my cheek softly. "You have to know that I would never, ever pressure you to do something that you weren't ready for. You shouldn't have to do that until you know in your heart it's something that you want to do. I bet you've spent so much time remembering the fact that you were taken advantage of that you forgot that it's actually supposed to feel good."
Losing Me Page 17