My cheeks flamed again, and I looked down at my feet, afraid to look up and catch his gaze. I could feel the heat of his stare on me and I had to force myself to keep my head down. It wasn't easy to do that when all I wanted was to have him hold me and kiss me again. We were silent for a few minutes, until he called my name. I didn't respond immediately--in fact, I didn't respond at all. I kept my eyes fixed on the floor, and I heard his sharp intake of breath.
"Nickayla," he breathed, the anger in his voice unmistakable.
I shook my head, not wanting to look at him. I couldn't bear to see what was reflected in his eyes. I couldn't bear that my haunted, devastating past was hurting him.
"Nickayla, look at me, please," he begged, and when I looked up to meet his gaze in our reflection, I could see that his eyes were slowly filling with tears. As much as it killed me to know that my pain was the cause of his pain, I couldn't bring myself to look away from him. "Turn around." His voice was sharp, hoarse. "Turn around and look me in the eye and tell me that when Kyle attacked you, that wasn't your first time. Tell me he didn't take that away from you."
I turned around, snaking my hands around his neck as I buried my face in his shirt. His arms remained wrapped around me, and I could feel his head lower. I turned slightly so that our foreheads touched, and I gazed into his eyes, our tears falling simultaneously.
"I can't," I said.
Colin's knees went slack, and he collapsed against the wall. I buried myself in his arms, in his sweet, caring embrace, and I cried. I cried for myself and what I'd lost, and mostly for how I'd lost it. I cried for Kyle, who had become an empty, heartless human being. I cried for Colin, and the fact that he would have to face my demons for as long as we were together.
"Your first time should have been special," Colin moaned, his voice sounding far away. "It should have been beautiful."
"I know," I said, my sobs louder than my actual voice. "But now I'll just always have this ugly memory of how terrible it truly was. I'll never be able to forget it. I'll never be able to get any of it back."
Colin placed both hands on either side of my face, the pads of his thumbs catching each tear as it fell. He kissed me on the forehead, his eyes closed.
"Someday, it will get better," he said. "Someday, you'll have that special, magical, beautiful experience that every girl deserves to have, but you'll deserve it more than anyone else. And someday, you'll forget that Kyle York was an asshole who took something from you that he had no rights to." He paused. "I want to be the person to give you all of that, Nickayla."
I smiled, unable to fight it any longer. I had nearly driven myself crazy with the notion that Colin and I would grow apart when I told him about Kyle. I never believed that it would be the one thing to bring us closer together.
"I love you," I said. "Thank you for not judging me."
He kissed me softly on the lips, but instead of pulling away, he gave me an Eskimo kiss as he smiled up at me.
"Thank you for trusting me," he replied, smoothly. "I love you."
Sixteen.
I couldn't leave. Colin's arms wrapped around me in a way that took away all the pain and all the truth about what I had gone through. I felt whole, and I felt at home when I was with him. I couldn't leave even though we had been together, alone in the house for nearly 6 hours.
He sat on the floor, and my head was in his lap as he played with my hair. I could feel him shaking, and I knew that he was seething with anger. Truth be told, I had moved beyond angry a long time ago. It had been months since anger was the only thing I felt.
What do you do when the one thing you care about the most is ripped away from you? What do you feel when your heart was ripped out?
Seeing Kyle at school was like he was picking at a scab over my heart, and I bled more and more each time. Being with Colin was healing me in a way that I never thought possible. I thought that getting into a relationship would only hide my pain or even mask it.
What I never expected was to start healing.
"Nickayla," he said, looking down at me.
I stared up into his icy green eyes, my heart racing when they met mine.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Not that I mind being here alone with you, but where the Hell is everyone else?"
I laughed, admiring his honesty and the fact that he was trying to respect my parents' rules and boundaries. We had been alone for about 6 hours, and I had to admit that although I hadn't quite thought about it, it was quite unusual for no one to be home on Friday night.
"I have no clue," I said, honestly. "Last I heard, Mom was at some company party, and Daddy was going to meet her there after work. Nikky's probably at Sarah's. God only knows where Nomi is, though."
I sat up, admiring the expression on Colin's face. For the first time that day, a sweet, thousand-watt, honest to goodness smile was creeping up on his lips.
"So you're saying we have the whole house to ourselves for now?" he asked, slyly.
"Yep," I said, responding to his teasing. "What are you going to do about it?"
He leapt to his feet, taking my hand and pulling me up. I was up against him in seconds, his hand resting on the small of my back, and my hand on his chest to steady myself.
"Well, first I'm going to make you dinner. Then, we're going to talk a little bit. Twenty-one questions if you will." He kissed my neck, setting my entire body ablaze. "Then maybe we'll have one of those hot, makeup make-out sessions that you seem to love so much." He held me firmly, dipping me low and kissing my throat, a slow, simple torture that set my soul on fire. He planted soft kisses along my jaw line, and when his lips met mine, I was more than ready for it. His lips were an open invitation to me, and mine to him, and it seemed so right, so perfect for them to touch. He kissed me, his lips meeting mine then pulling away with gentle teasing. My hands grasped a tuft of his hair, pulling it lightly so that he was closer to me, unable to pull away. If he was going to tease me, I was going to tease back. I placed my hand under his shirt, my fingers lightly tracing the lines of his abs. He tensed under my touch, but he didn't pull away. Instead, he tilted my head, deepening our kiss before pulling away. I groaned in frustration as I found his jaw line, kissing it softly and nibbling on his ear when I reached it. Finally, he kissed me, his tongue grazing the entrance to my mouth. I responded immediately, acting only on the love that I had for him and the heat that was slowly building inside me. Just when I was about to deepen the kiss, he pulled away.
"Oh, my God," I groaned, placing my hand on my bedpost to steady myself.
The aftershock of the kiss was so intense I thought I was going to pass out. How was it that I was only 16 years old and I could feel passion like that? I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, even though there was nothing that I could do to wipe the hopelessly-in-love smile off my face.
"What is it, Nickayla?" Colin asked.
My eyes snapped open, and I expected to see a smug look on his face. I nearly burst out laughing when I noticed that his expression held nothing but concern.
"Nothing," I gasped. "I'm fine; I just need a minute. I'm a little bit...discombobulated."
He chuckled lightly, moving so that he was standing behind me.
"Don't worry, Princess, I'll carry you," he said.
"Colin! No!"
I was too late. In one swift motion, he placed a hand behind my knees making them go slack, then catching my head just seconds before it would have hit the floor. I gasped, startled, and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck as I buried my face in his shoulder blade. I giggled uncontrollably as he raced downstairs.
I wasn't afraid of falling, because as he had always proven to me, he would catch me before I hit the ground.
We reached the kitchen and he set me down gingerly. I buried my face in his chest as I laughed, breathless. He placed a kiss on the top of my head and pulled away from me as he pilfered through the kitchen cabinets for something to make.
I placed my hands on either side of the counte
r, pushing myself up so that I was sitting down on top of it, crossing my legs as I watched him pull things out of the cabinet and refrigerator.
"Babe, can you give me one of those ice cream sandwiches out of the freezer?" I asked.
"No, but you can have one of these Yoplait yogurts," he said, taking one out of the fridge and tossing it to me.
I caught it with ease, but I turned it over in my hands and regarded it with disgust. I stared at Colin awestruck, wondering where "ice cream" was translated to "yogurt" somewhere in his brain.
"Colin," I said, enunciating every syllable of his name. "You know I didn't get these curves you love so much by eating yogurt, right?"
He glanced up from the cutting board, chuckling softly.
"Yeah, but I think you should have this instead of ice cream," he said, smiling easily.
"Why?" I whined. "I'm hungry and I don't know how long dinner is going to take."
Colin shook his head, chopping up potatoes and tossing them into a deep pan. He looked up at me shortly with a flustered expression on his face as he reached into my mom's pantry for seasonings.
"Then, you can eat the yogurt," he said. "It's late, and I don't think you should have anything too filling before dinner--especially since what I'm cooking will be fried. After dinner, maybe I'll take you out for fro-yo. In the meantime, eat up."
I groaned, irritated, but at the same time, somehow liking that he was bossing me around.
"Fine," I said, ripping the lid off the yogurt. "But I better get Coldstone or Baskin Robbins. No more healthy shit tonight." I spooned a bit of the yogurt into my mouth, pouting at him. "Meanie."
Colin laughed, continuing to toss things into the pot on top of the stove.
"Yeah, I love you too, sweetie," he said.
I crossed my legs as I continued to eat my yogurt, watching him as he chopped up some boneless, skinless chicken breasts into thin strips with precision. I reached over, helping him season the chicken.
"Nickayla," he huffed, staring at me in frustration. "Please let me do this. I don't want to have to order pizza again."
I giggled, grabbing a strip of chicken and tossing it in the flour, staring up at him to see what his reaction would be. He was right in the middle of whisking a buttermilk and egg batter, and he stared up at me flabbergasted.
"Seriously!" he exclaimed, grabbing a pinch of flour and tossing it at my face.
I blinked in shock, a wicked smile creeping up on my face. I hopped off the counter, grabbing the egg batter from him and scampering off to the middle of the kitchen, where I stood behind the island.
"You did not just do that," I said, trying to suppress the giggles that were sure to emerge. I placed my hand in the egg batter, prepared to toss some at him on a moment's notice.
"I think I just did," he said, his hand full of flour.
He raced after me, and I grabbed a bag of bread off the counter, ripping it open with my teeth as I prepared to attack. I crumbled a piece in my hand, staring at him as he advanced on me.
"Back up!" I exclaimed.
He shook his head and continued to come toward me. I splattered a handful of the egg batter in his face, tossing some bread on him to seal the deal.
"Oh, you're gonna get it!" he yelled, chasing me. I ran to the living room, splattering some egg on myself since I couldn't quite hold the small bowl steady and run at the same time.
I groaned, as I felt flour thrown on me again. I turned around eyeing him. I crouched behind the small coffee table, peering over the surface to glare at Colin.
"I surrender!" I said, nervous that our little food fight had moved to the place where food wasn't supposed to be. "I don't want to get egg and flour on my mom's furniture."
He nodded, retreating to the kitchen. I scurried behind him, waiting until I felt the linoleum beneath my bare feet. I turned the bowl upside down atop Colin's head, giggling loudly as he turned to face me, mortified. He grabbed the bowl of flour, dumping it on top of my hair. I grinned widely, shaking my hair off.
Colin leaned forward, planting a soft kiss on my lips as his forehead rested against mine. He smiled up at me, shaking his head in amusement.
"I guess we're ordering pizza, then, huh?" he asked.
I nodded against him, pouting slightly.
"That's too bad, though," I said with a giggle. "I was kinda looking forward to chicken."
I sat on my bed, drying my hair off gently with a plush towel. I crossed my legs, looking through my homework and making sure that I was satisfied with it. I was just about to pick up my cell phone and call Colin to tell him goodnight when I heard a knock on my bedroom door.
"Come in!" I exclaimed.
I heard my door squeak open, making a note to ask my dad for his WD-40 before the night was up. Nikky came in, trailing a little girl behind him.
"Emmy!" I squealed with delight as my sandy-blonde haired mini me waddled over to my bed, her arms wide open in anticipation. I scooped her up in my arms, kissing her chubby cheeks and reveling in the sound of her giggles.
Nikkolas sat down in my computer chair, simply smiling at me as he watched me interact with his daughter.
"Emerson, say 'hi' to your tia," he said.
"Hi, Tia," Emmy said, an adorable giggle escaping her mouth as I tickled her.
I set her down next to me, turning on the TV so that she could watch Dora the Explorer.
"What are you doing, Nic?" Nikky asked as he frowned at me, his eyes wide. "Sarah doesn't let her watch TV past seven."
I shook my head at him.
"And I'm sure she doesn't let her stay awake past seven either, but alas..." I said, rolling my eyes. "Her eyes are droopy, she's sucking her thumb, and her head is nodding. She'll be asleep within minutes. Calm down, Jude Jr."
He chuckled, putting his feet up on my desk and leaning back in the computer chair. I knew that he would find that comment funny, because he'd confided in me that when he Emerson was born, he wanted to be just like Daddy. He was a great man, and we both knew that well enough to admit it. People always said that boys grew up to be like their dads, and girls grew up to marry people like their dads. If that was true, Emmy was set up for a lifetime of love and protection. Likewise, if the man I married was as good of a man as my dad was, I'd have my life made.
"How have you been Nickayla?" he asked, suddenly. "We're twins and I feel like we never see each other anymore."
I sat forward, placing my cell phone on my side table drawer.
"Oh, you're one to talk!" I accused. "You were at Sarah's four days a week before I met Colin. So if we never see each other anymore, that's as much your fault as it is mine."
He nodded.
"Yeah, I suppose you're right," he said, conceding my point. "But seriously, how are you? How's Colin treating you?"
I sighed, wondering how to proceed. Nikkolas and I had an unspoken bond that ran deeper than my bond with Nomi. We could talk about anything, and I knew that there would be no judgment because he was my twin, and we were genetically programmed to understand each other. I was the first person that he came to when Sarah got pregnant, and I was the only one that he talked to when something was wrong. Likewise, I knew that if I couldn't talk to anyone else about something, I could go to him and he would be extremely supportive.
Of course, I hadn't quite gotten around to telling him about Kyle, but that was a different subject entirely. For now, I was just lucky that he actually liked my boyfriend.
"I'm good," I said. "And Colin is amazing. He just left actually."
His eyes widened, and then narrowed as he smiled at me.
"You better be lucky I came home before Mom and Dad," he said. "Then you'd have to explain to them why there's flour on their kitchen floor and why your boyfriend is just leaving at 11 p.m."
I blushed.
"I'm gonna go clean the flour up," I said. "I had to shower though, because I had flour and eggs in places you do not want to know about."
I watched as Nikky grimaced with his ey
es closed.
"Okay, I know you know we've got this twin telepathy thing going, Nic," he said. "So you should have sent me some signal that you were about to give me nightmares for the rest of my life with that comment."
I stared at him in amusement, wanting to laugh but knowing that he was right--not only about the nightmares, but about the fact that we were able to communicate things to each other without actually talking. It was amazing, really, the way a simple gesture or eye roll could tell my brother that I was completely over the conversation we were having. Or, like in recent times, how a simple groan or smirk could communicate to me that he had some funny epithet that he'd relay to me later when no one else was around and we could laugh until we cried.
Although I hadn't spent much time with Nikkolas in recent months, I knew that by placing my hand gently on his knee in a jovial way, he understood that it had absolutely nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. Although he hadn't been around much, I felt the way communicated that he would be there for me whenever I was ready to talk about what had been going on with me, just by a small, flickering smile that for many years had been reserved only for me. We were twins. We had this secret language, almost like a little club that only we had the passwords too. Besides being a sister, being a daughter, being an aunt, being a godmother, or even being a girlfriend, being Nikkolas's twin was one of my most important jobs. I had never let him down, and even though I still wasn't comfortable divulging my biggest secret to my brother, I knew that he knew something was wrong, and when the time came, he wouldn't let me down either.
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