"I've missed these talks with you, Nikky," I said, sighing with discontent. "It seems like once we hit high school, we just had these super separate lives and we barely have time for each other."
Nikky laughed a huge belly laugh as he tossed his head back.
"No, little sis, I'm sure that's because I slipped up the minute I hit high school and got a girl pregnant," he said.
"Not that I regret having Emerson a single bit, but I do miss the days when everything was carefree. Now all my time is spent worrying how many extra hours I'll have to work to pay for my daughter's day care, or how I'll get Mom and Dad to let me borrow the car for a long weekend to take my ex-girlfriend to visit her parents. The hardest part is worrying how I'll explain to my current girlfriend that I still love my daughter's mother, and I always will, with every fiber of my being. Shit got too complicated too soon, Nic," he mused, his eyes on the ceiling. "I have to break up with Kayla. Every time I go pick Emmy up, I tell myself that it would be so much easier if Sarah and I were still together."
I sat forward, uncrossing my legs and sitting next to my brother.
"Nikky," I said. "Are you sure that breaking up with Kayla is the right idea? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Sarah, and I loved you a lot better when you were with her. I just want to make sure that you and Sarah are going to get back together because you love each other, and not just because it'll be easier to co-parent Emmy."
Nikkolas closed his eyes for a moment, and I knew that he was honest-to-goodness consuming everything that I'd just said and taking it to heart.
"I do love Sarah," he said. "I don't only love her because she's the mother of my child. I love her because she makes my world brighter. I love her because even though I hurt her and even though I was the one who broke up with her, every time I see her, she tells me that she misses me--and every time she says it, I know that she means it. I love her because she's the best mother to Emmy, and even though I would have rather waited until after college--and after marriage--to have a baby, I know that I picked the right person to have my daughter with. I love her because she makes me a better person, and even when I fall short of that person, the one that she deserved from the very beginning, she never gives up on me. She loves me unfailingly, and I don't deserve a single bit." He sighed, opening his eyes and staring at me. "But I deserve the chance to show her that maybe I can be everything she needs."
I gawked at him--honestly, I was scrambling to pick my jaw off the floor. Where had Nikkolas Allen Quinn gone? He used to run around the house in his underwear. He used to swig orange juice straight from the container and then put it back, no matter who was standing there and watching him. He used to get girls' numbers, kiss them, and then never speak to them again. Yet here he was, talking about love, as though it was the only thing that made sense to him. He had grown up somewhere between finding out Sarah was pregnant and bringing his daughter to see me that night. Suddenly ashamed, I concluded that I had been too busy consumed in my own shit to even witness it.
"Wow, Nikky," I said, smiling at him reassuringly. "That was really profound. If that's how you feel, then who am I to stop you from going after her?"
He chuckled, shaking his head as though he was waking up from a daydream. He sat forward, and then looked over at Emerson who had fallen asleep with her thumb in her mouth, tossing my small throw blanket over her body.
"Yeah, I suppose you're right. What do you know about love?" he asked.
"I know what it is, and I know that I'm in love with Colin," I said. "I may be young and maybe I'm inexperienced, but I do know what love is. And most importantly, I know what love isn't. I know that without Colin, I'd still be sad. I know that without Colin, I probably never would have gotten over Kyle. I know that without Colin, Mom and Dad wouldn't let me leave the house. He brought back my smile. He brought back my laughter. He sees right through my bullshit, and instead of calling me on it like everyone else, he helps me work through it. I'm lucky to have him--I don't deserve him, and part of me hopes that he never realizes that because he is so far out of my league it's not even fair. He deserves better than me but just the thought of watching him walk away from me...God, it's unbearable. Losing him would be like losing me, all over again."
Nikky stared at me, and I knew that somewhere, between simply asking about each other's relationships and making sure the other person was okay, we'd crossed some bridge from brother and sister to friends. We were more than siblings, and somehow even more than twins. I hoped that as we got older and moved away, settling down and starting--or in Nikky's case, completing--our families, that that bond never broke.
"Yeah, don't think I haven't noticed that since you got with Colin, you're brighter somehow," Nikkolas said. "I like him for you. He's good for you--I definitely approve."
"Yeah, you better, otherwise I take back everything I said about supporting you getting back with Sarah," I said, nudging him in the teasing way that only I knew how.
He laughed, pushing me so that I toppled to the floor. I stared up at him, incredulous, but I knew that he was playing.
"Brat," he said, walking out of my room and shutting the door behind him.
"Jerk!" I yelled after him.
Seventeen.
Walking through the doors of my school on Monday alone was weirder than I thought it'd be. Nomi had caught a ride with Nikky, and Colin told me that he had something to do and he'd get to school by second period. I hadn't carpooled with Michele since she and Brody started dating, but I would have rather gone back to that than walk through Valley-PHASS without someone on my arm.
I slammed Michie's locker as I headed back to my classroom. I had forgotten my copy of Macbeth at home, so I had to go and borrow hers. I tucked it under my arm as I walked down the halls. AP English was my favorite class, and even before the class started, I had been in love with Shakespeare's Macbeth.
I wrenched the door to the classroom open, then plopped down in my seat next to Belinda Moreno--I silently cursed Mr. Lozano for giving assigned seating and assigning me a spot next to one of my enemies.
I crossed my legs, twirling my hair atop my head into a topknot and secured it with one of my favorite pens.
"Nickayla," Belinda whispered, leaning towards me a sly grin on her face.
I rolled my eyes.
"What do you want?" I asked.
She glanced up at Mr. Lozano, making sure that he wasn't looking at us. The worst part about sitting next to her wasn't the fact that she couldn't shut up to save her life, or the fact that she had been flirting with my boyfriend just three days before. It wasn't even the fact that she was in AP English for some unknown reason when she couldn't even read beyond a fifth grade level. It was the fact that she thought since Brody had lost his virginity to her back in 8th grade we were somehow friends.
"I just wanted to make sure that The Grapevine was correct in telling me that you and Colin Westwick are back together?" she asked, her voice annoyingly whiny. "Don't get me wrong, you two are cute together, but you know that saying 'Save a horse, ride a cowboy'? Well, let's just say I'd ride that boy all day long."
I turned to face her head on, noting with a mental smirk how taken aback she looked that I was actually about to stand up to her in a way that no one else ever did.
"Listen, bitch," I said. "First of all, Colin and I were never broken up. We were in a fight, a fight that lasted less than a week. Second, even if we were broken up, you wouldn't stand a chance because he doesn't exactly have a taste for sluts--he dated one of you already, and once was more than enough. Third, just because you fucked my best friend doesn't mean that you are anything to me besides the scum of the earth. Lastly, if you ever say something like that about my boyfriend again, I will drag your insecure, skank ass out of here by your fake bleach blonde hair and whether we're in school or not, I will cut you. Don't even think for a second that I won't."
She recoiled as if I'd slapped her--God, I wish that I had. She glared at me through thin slits, and then she
flipped her hair over her shoulder.
"I think you mean that Colin just prefers prudes," she said. "The whole school knows that you don't give it up."
I nodded, smiling at her.
"If by 'prude', you mean someone with class who doesn't just open wide for anything with a heartbeat and a penis like you do, then I'll happily accept that title," I said. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm trying to pay attention--unlike you, I'll be getting out of high school on time instead of trying to seduce the principal into giving me my diploma at 25."
I turned my chair to face Mr. Lozano, who was scribing notes about the Chain of Being and how Macbeth and Lady Macbeth disturbed it from the very beginning of the play. When I looked up at him, I knew that he had noticed that we were having a side conversation. Oh, this was about to get even better.
"Miss Moreno," he said, crossing his arms. "Can you tell me what the Witches represent at the beginning of the first act?"
I watched--trying not to gag--as she sat up straight then leaned forward, clearly trying to accentuate the fake breasts she'd gotten for her birthday instead of a sweet 16.
"Well, Mr. Lozano, I think the Witches are just bad people," she said. "The Witches aren't even supposed to be there are they?"
I suppressed a laugh, even though it literally hurt to hold it in.
"That's...insightful, Belinda," he said, forcing a smile. He faced me. "Miss Quinn, would you like to elaborate on what Belinda said?"
"Oh, gladly," I said, smiling at him sweetly. "The Witches are an allegory for temptation. They were put there not only to give Macbeth the premonitions about his future, but they were put there to show that Macbeth was a weak man, sorely tempted by power and greed--so tempted, in fact, that he upset the Chain of Being by the very first act." I paused for effect, looking pointedly at Belinda. "Obviously, the Witches aren't supposed to 'be there' as Belinda so eloquently stated. Witchcraft was forbidden, and we can see this from the fact that their scene is set in the outskirts of Sweden. By even meeting with them--not even accounting for the fact that he eventually listens to what they have to say--he is setting his own fate up for disaster. So the Witches aren't only an allegory for temptation, but they're also part of the evidence that although Macbeth wants to be King, he isn't suited for it, and his greed is going to be his downfall."
I hadn't even glanced back at Belinda, but I could feel the anger boiling up inside her from the way that her eyes never left me. I wasn't a know-it-all by any means--what I'd just said was part of my introductory paragraph to our final essay--I just enjoyed making her look even more stupid than she actually was.
Mr. Lozano smiled, writing parts of what I'd just said on the board.
"Well said, Nickayla!" he exclaimed. "I very much look forward to reading your final essay. I'm sure it'll be spectacular."
I grinned back in acknowledgement, uncrossing my legs as I sat forward to listen to the rest of his lecture.
The day was turning out better than I'd thought it would.
I had only just emerged from the classroom when my cell phone buzzed with a notification. I lifted it out of my pocket, grinning when I saw that it was a text from Colin.
Babe <3: Meet me in the parking lot, please.
I stared down at the text, wondering why he needed me to meet him in the parking lot. Sure, it was Nutrition time, and we were allowed to leave campus for it, but I hadn't actually done that since Ben's party and my need to be at school as little as possible. Nonetheless, I walked out the back door, flashing my ID so that Inga, the security guard who usually made sure no one with D's or F's left campus during Nutrition, knew that I was authorized to leave campus.
I caught sight of Colin's car, parked up front. He leaned against it, his hands tucked in his pockets. I caught sight of Suze, who was sitting in the driver's seat, her arms propped up on the steering wheel. She waved at me enthusiastically, a mischievous grin on her face.
"Hi, Nickayla," she said from inside the car.
"Hey, Suze," I said. "What brings you to PHASS?"
She jutted her chin forward, gesturing toward Colin. I stared at him, and could see that he was looking down at the floor, his feet shuffling as he adjusted himself. I walked over to him, wrapping my arms around him. He returned my embrace, but only halfheartedly. Where normally he was quick to wrap me in his arms and never let me go, he only wrapped his right arm around me, patting me lightly on the back.
Confused, I stepped back, giving him an once-over. Besides looking overly nervous and cautious, everything appeared to be fine with him.
"Okay," I said. "What gives?"
He shook his head, his green eyes focusing on the floor and not quite meeting mine. I grabbed his chin like he always did to me, forcing him to look me in the eyes. He didn't look uncomfortable per se, but he looked like he was hiding something.
"Colin Daniel Westwick!" Suze said, scolding him. "You tell her what's wrong or so help me God--"
"Daniel?" I asked, with a smirk.
His eyes flashed toward mine, but he didn't smile. Instead, his eyes bored into me, and I tried to get a read on him, tried to figure out what was making him act so weirdly.
He shuffled his feet lightly, raking his hand through his hair as he struggled to look away from me. I kept my hold on his chin, and never broke my gaze. With a small, quick movement, he pulled his left hand out of his pocket, and I gasped, shocked that it was wrapped in a cast.
I stared up at him, trying to find my breath. My eyes rushed away from his and met Suze's, and I knew that she probably guessed what I was thinking.
"Did your dad do this to you?" I asked, ashamed of asking that question the minute the words escaped my lips.
"No, the big dummy did it to himself," Susanna said, a smug smile plastered on his face.
"Susanna, really," Colin said, his voice laced with frustration. He stared at her for a long time, then, after an agonizingly long pause, he turned to face me again. "Yes, unfortunately I did this to myself."
I was sure that my jaw was on the floor, then. I looked up at Suze, and her eyes showed that everything that he was saying was true.
"Why did Suze have to escort you to school?" I asked.
"She drove me to the doctor last night," Colin responded quickly. "Let's just say that, er, Mom doesn't quite trust me to be alone right now."
Suze nodded as she started the car.
"Yeah, and that's my cue to leave," she said. She glanced at me. "Are you gonna give him a ride home or am I coming to escort him back to the house as well?"
"I think I've got this, Suze," I said, my eyes never leaving Colin's stiff, rigid posture. "Thanks for everything."
She pulled out of the parking lot and I grabbed Colin's hand--not the injured one. I dragged him toward one of the umbrella-covered tables that was in the courtyard behind the school. I sat down and gestured for him to do the same. He sat down across from me, folding his hands atop the table, staring down at them.
"What happened, exactly?" I asked.
He stared up at me, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
"I freaked out," he said, gesturing to his hand.
"I can see that," I said. "But why?"
He stared up at me, his green eyes piercing and beautiful--they were also afraid. I wondered then what he could possibly be afraid of. Me? No way. I wasn't scary, not by any means. If anything, I was the one who was scared of everyone else.
"After everything that you told me last night, I didn't want to leave you," Colin said, honestly. His gaze shifted so that he was staring at his cast. "When I got home, I didn't really know what to do with myself. I went to get in bed, and I was texting you, and all I could think of was Kyle." He breathed heavily, and it looked like he was about to start hyperventilating. "I just started thinking that he's such a fucking asshole, you know? How dare he take advantage of you? I know you weren't drunk, because the first thing Michele told me when I asked her about you was that you've never had more than a few sips of anything. So he took adva
ntage of you--point blank. Forget the fact that he took advantage of you. Forget the fact that he did what no guy is ever supposed to do to a girl. He stole your innocence. Okay, I'd be pissed if you had sex with him voluntarily, just because the guy's a jackass. But it makes it so much harder not to find him and kill him now, because I know that he forced himself on you." He glanced at me, his expression nervous and wary. "And I hear he has a little sister! What if that was his sister at a party, and some guy did that to her? God, if someone hurt Susanna like that..."
"Colin," I said, trying to interrupt, my voice shaking with emotion.
I could see how torn up he was about everything, and it was nearly killing me inside.
"So anyway, I'm sitting in my room, and I'm trying to convince myself that hunting him down and kicking his ass wouldn't be a good idea," he said. "Nor would it be productive, because he wouldn't even know what he's getting his ass kicked for, because besides being a jackass, he's also a dumb ass." He wriggled in his seat, avoiding eye contact with me, then. "So, rather than finding Kyle and beating him to a bloody pulp, I punched a wall."
I sighed, burying my face in my hands as I stood up. I risked a glance at Colin, and I could see some unknown emotion hidden in his eyes. I was sure he thought I was about to walk away from him. Instead, I walked around the table, sitting down next to him and twining my arm in his.
"Colin," I repeated, my voice barely a whisper as I realized his embarrassment.
"Nickayla, I'm human," he said. "The minute you told me, two thoughts flashed through my mind: the first was holding you and making sure you were okay, and the second was finding him and killing him, because he hurt someone that I care about." He huffed, flexing his fingers and wincing at the pain. "I was furious. I was beyond pissed. I had to hold everything in, had to keep it together, because you needed me, and no matter how angry I am with someone for hurting you, making sure that you are okay is something that will always come first. But once I got home, I lost it. I freaked out and I punched a wall. Then I punched it again, and again, and again, and again, until my knuckles bled and it felt like they were about to split open. Then Suze came upstairs and asked me what was wrong, and I told her I thought I'd broken a few bones in my hand, she drove me to the hospital, I got patched up, Mom yelled at me, and now here we are."
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