"How are you today, baby?" Colin asked, staring intently into my eyes.
Ever since I told him about Kyle, he'd taken to asking me how I was almost daily. He'd suggested that I enroll myself in a support group, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to become that girl just yet.
"Today's a good day," I said, leaning into his embrace. "I've definitely had worse."
I watched his expression turn pensive as he stroked my hair, tucking a rogue strand behind my ear.
"Tell me about a 'worse' day," he said quietly.
Sighing, I pondered this for a moment. There had been so many days that were incredibly difficult, that were emotionally tiring and devastating, that I didn't quite know which one to tell him about. I could feel his gaze transfixed upon me, and I looked up to meet his eyes as his hands cupped my face ever so gently.
"There was this one day that was particularly bad," I began, feeling an enormous weight lifted off of my shoulders as I started to give him yet another piece of my burden to bear. "I'd just recently gotten suspended from school for fighting with Kayla. She made some side comment about Kyle and me, and I snapped; she was sent home with a black eye, a broken nose, both her lips busted, and a couple bruised ribs. I guess you can understand that my parents had me pretty much on lockdown. I was at the lowest of the low: I didn't speak to anyone, I didn't want to see anyone except Hanna, and I'd been crying for hours on end. At the lowest point of the day, everything became somewhat of a blur, and I don't even remember how I got there, but one minute I was crying in my bed, and the next, I was fighting Hanna for a bottle of pills, and Nikkolas had to restrain me while she flushed them. I ended up in inpatient treatment on a 5150 for about a week, and was in outpatient treatment for about a month. To this day, I still don't remember why I had those pills or what insanely depressing thoughts got me to that point, but I know that I never want to go back there again. Thoughts of that day are what keep me waking up every morning and actually participating." I breathed deeply, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. "You know, Colin, they say that if you can't talk about something without crying, you're not over it. But sometimes I wonder, will I ever be over it?"
Colin took my hands, helping me onto the table so that I was sitting next to him. He faced me head on, running his thumb lightly down my cheek in a smooth, soft caress.
"Probably not," he said, honestly.
"But I think eventually, it will change. It won't hurt as much. It'll be an afterthought rather than something consistently weighing on your mind. You'll be able to look at yourself and absolve yourself from blame. You won't have hatred in your heart for Kyle anymore--in fact, you'll be able to forgive him fully, because I know you haven't quite done that yet. I think eventually," Colin said, lowering his voice so that it was thick with emotion, "things will get better."
I smiled, my heart nearly overflowing with love for this beautiful boy before me.
"They already have, babe," I said, resting my head on his shoulder.
He gingerly wiped my tears from my face, kissing the top of my head.
I loved being able to talk to Colin about harder times. It was my way of healing, and it was his way of helping me. I wasn't normally the type of person to show my weaknesses, but with Colin, it came almost naturally. He'd entrusted me with every secret and weakness of his, so it wasn't too hard for me to do the same. We healed each other in a way that no one else had been able to before.
It seemed almost strange that we had only been together for three months. It seemed, not like we'd known each other forever, but more like we'd known each other in a thousand different lifetimes before this one, and we'd waited for what felt like forever in this lifetime to find each other again, and remember each other, because everything we'd said, done, and felt since the day we met was more like the recreation of an old memory rather than the start of a new one. It seemed, right from the start, not like we were falling in love with each other, but like we were rediscovering each other in new ways, and reigniting an old spark that had always existed.
"I love you, you know that?" Colin asked, and from the way his voice jumped on the last word, I could see that he truly meant what he was asking me, that he honestly needed to know if I knew exactly how he felt about me.
"Yes, I do know that," I said, smiling up at him as he kissed me gently on the lips. I nestled my head in my favorite spot between his shoulder blades, sighing with utter contentment.
"I think I've always known," I whispered.
We sat there in silence, in a warm embrace for almost ten minutes before I caught sight of Michele and Brody. Michie looked like a model as she always did, and Brody honestly looked happier than I'd ever seen him. Their hands intertwined, and they strolled toward us with smiles on their faces.
"Well, well, well," Michie said, a goofy grin spreading on her lips, "if it isn't 'Nickaylin'."
I turned to look at Colin, and his expression matched the confusion running through my mind.
"Who?" I asked, cocking my eyebrow at my best friend.
She giggled, hopping up on the table with a simple elegance.
"Oh, don't tell me you haven't heard?" she asked. "It's your 'ship name! Brody and I are 'Brichele' and you and Westwick here are 'Nickaylin'. Everyone's talking about you two and your whirlwind romance." She paused, twirling her fingers in her hair. "I'm quite jealous, actually. The Grapevine never cared to talk about Brody and me unless Belinda Whore-reno was involved somehow."
The Grapevine was our school's gossip blog. Mostly cheerleaders and jocks, the people who generally had an ‘in’ when it came to newsworthy couples, games, and events at Valley ran it. Everyone who was anyone was talked about at least once on The Grapevine, but the last time my name popped up, it was to express the face that Kyle and I had hit Splitsville--which I found hilarious considering the fact that we never even started dating in the first place.
"What else does The Grapevine have to say about us?" Colin asked.
I rolled my eyes at him, surprised that he even cared.
"Well, you're up against us for junior prom king and queen," Michele said, nonchalantly. "But you're kidding yourselves if you think you're going to beat us."
Colin chuckled softly, but I looked down at my hands. I forced a smile, then looked back up at my best friends.
"Well you don't have to worry about that," I said, "because Westwick doesn't do prom."
I expected that statement to elicit a reaction from Michele, but instead, Brody was the one who piped up with a, "Seriously? Do you know how long Nic and Michie have been dreaming of this prom shit?" He smiled down at Michele, kissing her on the forehead. "I bought our tickets weeks ago. Shit, if you don't take Nic to prom, you two will be over before you know it."
I laughed, surprised that Brody even remembered that all we talked about since we met was how badly we wanted to go to prom, what dresses we'd wear, what boys we'd take to the dance. Back then, we'd agreed to both go with Brody as our date, but seeing how long it took Michele to get him to herself, I'd never even suggest it.
"It's okay," I said. "It's just junior prom. When next year comes around, best believe Colin won't have a choice."
"Is that so?" Colin asked, a smirk on his face.
Michie shook her head, jabbing her finger at Colin.
"Believe me, buddy, she's totally serious," she told him. "You may get away with not taking her this year, but next year, it's the end-all or be-all."
She hopped off the table, pulling Brody into a standing position next to her. She smoothed out her dress, looking to me for approval.
"We'll be back," Brody said. "Michie wants pizza from Little Sicily. You guys want anything?"
Colin reached in his pocket and handed Brody a twenty-dollar bill.
"Yeah, if you don't mind," he said. "Can you get us a personal sausage pizza, a Caesar salad for Nic, and a chicken Caesar salad for me? We'll go get drinks from the vending machines while we wait for you guys."
"Cool beans," Mi
chele said, smiling at Colin. "Brody, let's go. I'm starving."
He willingly obliged, saying nothing as he followed her toward the car. I watched as they walked away, hand in hand the same way they'd shown up.
"Hey!" I called out to them. "What are we doing tonight?"
To my surprise, Brody turned around to answer me.
"Lake house I guess?" he said. "Westwick and I will cook and you ladies can just sit around and look pretty."
I made a face, and my eyes met Michie's as she made an expression that would have put mine to shame.
"First of all, we are not the 'sit around and look pretty' type of girls," she said. "And second of all, you, Brody Michael Durham, are not allowed to go anywhere near my food. Colin can cook and you can supervise." She shook her head in disbelief. "We'll all end up with food poisoning if we let you have your way."
"Aw, come on, angel," Brody said, seemingly bewitching her with his smile. "We can be sick together."
I laughed loudly as I watched Michie's face contort with disgust.
"Yeeeah, as tempting as that sounds, babe, I think I'm gonna have to pass," she said. She turned to me before she got in her car. "Hey, invite Nikkolas. I wanna hear how things turned out with Cray-Cray Kayla this morning."
Twenty Two.
We girls were in the living room, sitting on the floor with a bowl full of junk food while we waited for the boys to get back from the grocery store with all the ingredients for dinner. Emmy was toddling around the house after a ball that Michele had just thrown, keeping herself occupied.
Nikky and Sarah had joined us for the first time in over a year, and I was glad to get to spend some time with the both of them again.
Sarah was a tiny thing with dirty blonde hair and dark brown eyes, but unfortunately for her, her daughter took completely after our side of the family.
"I cannot believe that Kayla showed up at your house," Sarah said, pulling Emmy into her arms and tickling her. "I mean, I took my break-up with Nikkolas hard, but I never once considered manipulating him into getting back together with me! That girl is Fifty Shades of Psycho."
Laughing, I remembered how humbly and tastefully Sarah handled her and Nikky's break-up. She never bad-mouthed him, never yelled at him, never tried to win him back. She remained her sweet, quiet, lovable self, making it easier than easy for Nikky to co-parent with her.
"Yes, well, it's a good thing that you showed up when you did," I said. "Because I really wanted to wipe the floor with that bitch." I looked around at the faces of Michie and Sarah, then felt heat rise to my cheeks as I realized how crazy I must have sounded. "You all know that I'm not violent, but something about that Kayla...I don't know, but she brings out the absolute worst in me." I paused, my eyes flickering to Sarah for a moment. "Do you really think she's pregnant?"
Before Sarah even had the chance to respond, Michele burst into a fit of laughter.
I gawked at her in amusement as she laughed like a lunatic, clutching at her sides and gasping for air like she'd just seen the funny Instagram video with a guy dressed as Dorothy dancing to "Boss Ass Bitch". Simply because her laugh was contagious, I couldn't help but join in. It was impossible to stay in a sour mood when Michele Taggaro started giggling uncontrollably.
"Hell NO!" Michie exclaimed when she could finally catch her breath. "I can smell bullshit a mile away and I'm calling it. Cray-Cray Kayla and Belinda Moreno are cut from the same cloth, I kid you not." She placed her hand on Sarah's shoulder reassuringly. "I promise you, she's not pregnant, and that bitch will have to get through me and Nickayla Balboa here before she gets her paws on Nikkolas again."
I nodded in agreement, slightly amused by Michie's nickname for me as I popped a gummy bear in my mouth before I handed one to Emerson. Sarah glared at me, an evil glint in her eye.
"Nic, I don't want her having so much candy!" she said, exasperated.
"And that's why she likes coming to my house instead of your sister's house, because I'm the cool Tia!" I reached out for my niece and started tickling her neck. "Isn't that right, Em? I'm the best Tia in the world, huh?"
She squealed with delight as she tried to wriggle away from my grasp.
I set her down on the floor, then waited for Sarah to look away before I handed Em a couple more gummy bears and sent her on her way.
I was about to say something when the boys walked in, carrying at least seven bags each. I hopped to my feet, rushing over to Colin and taking a few bags from his hands.
"Well hot damn!" Michie said, standing up and crossing her arms, not showing any intention of helping Brody with his haul. "Did you guys buy the whole fucking store?"
Nikky and Colin chuckled, taking the bags to the kitchen and setting them down on the table.
"Well, Westwick here decided he wanted to make lemon pepper wings and macaroni and cheese from scratch, along with the ribs that we'd originally planned to barbecue," Nikky said, as though cooking for us was a foreign notion. "Plus, he got some stuff for you ladies to bake dessert, since he insisted that you wouldn't be able to resist doing something for dinner tonight."
Michie snorted as she started putting bags away.
"Gee, Colin, you know us so well!" Sarah said, ruffling his hair as she passed by. "Oh, Nikky, can we please keep him?"
I laughed, pulling out a sack of flour, a bag of brown sugar, a container of cocoa powder, and a bag of chocolate chips. I closed my eyes for a moment, smiling at the fact that he'd remembered what my favorite dessert was.
"Sorry, girls, but this one's all mine," I said, kissing him on the cheek. "You bought stuff for cookie dough brownies!"
I watched as Colin blushed, knowing that everyone else was staring at us as though we were crazy. I had told Colin about the cookie dough brownies in passing way before we'd even gotten together, so not only was it surprising that he remembered, but it was sweet that he'd gone the extra mile and bought the ingredients for me to make it with my favorite people.
I noticed that after my last comment, everyone had started to gravitate toward the living room, leaving me alone with my boyfriend for at least five minutes or so.
Oh, I was going to take full advantage of every minute we got alone together.
I wrapped my arms around Colin's waist, resting my head on his chest in a tight embrace. He placed his hand on my head, massaging my scalp as everyone else chatted idly in the living room about God knows what.
"Well, you said they were your favorite," he whispered into my hair. "And I definitely want you to have all of your favorite things."
"Good boy," I giggled. "You've come a long way from a few weeks ago when you tried to feed me yogurt when I really wanted ice cream."
Colin was silent for a while, and he planted a kiss on my forehead in passing.
"Well, pretty girl, you made a very valid point that day," he mused. "You didn't get those curves I love so much from eating yogurt. You may as well continue to eat the things that you love."
I wrapped my arms around his neck as I propped myself up on the kitchen counter. He placed his arms at the small of my back, pulling me toward him so that he was standing directly between my legs.
I had to admit, it was a pleasant surprise to know that the boy I was in love with loved me exactly the way that I was. He didn't want me to change, and he didn't want me to be someone that I wasn't just to fit what he thought was the perfect girl. In his eyes, I felt perfect, even though in my eyes, I wasn't, and honestly, that was all that really mattered to me.
"I've trained you well, Colin Daniel Westwick," I said, grinning. "Maybe you're not such a lost cause after all."
Colin leaned forward, planting a kiss on my temple, then finding my lips as he kissed me gently, sweetly.
"I was, before I met you," he said. "But then you found me, and I'm feeling like I've got some place in the world now."
I sighed, thinking back to the night we met and how dark, depressed, and fragile I was back then. I couldn't help but wonder where I would be if Colin and
I hadn't met that night, because in my mind, that night was the end-all or be-all. He'd saved me from myself, saved me from my demons, reaching into the shadows and darkness and showed me the light again. He'd done more for me in a matter of months than anyone else had in my entire life.
I was indebted to him. I owed him my life, because he'd given it back to me. He'd shown me how to be strong by myself, but he also showed me that I was never alone, and that I never had to handle things all by my lonesome again, because he would always be there to catch me when I fell.
I would forever be grateful for Colin and the progress he'd helped me make since that night.
"Technically, you found me," I pointed out. "And thank God that you did, because without you, I'd be the one who's lost."
Before either of us had the chance to say more, Nikkolas strolled in the kitchen with Em on his hip, wagging his finger at us like an old man. His eyes were fixated on Colin, whose hands were still on my lower back, my legs wrapped around his waist, and I knew that things had gotten just a bit too close for comfort.
"Please refrain from any unnecessary public displays of affection while I am on the premises," my brother said, coughing uncomfortably. He glared at Colin unblinkingly, until Colin shifted, uncomfortable, and tried to untangle himself from me. "Seriously, I don't want to see your hands on my sister like that."
Colin's arms moved from my waist and rested on the countertop beside my legs as he looked up at Nikkolas with a sheepishly crooked smile.
My God, shy Colin was so fucking adorable. That red tint to his cheeks and the way his lip curled up more on one side than it did on the other could seriously knock me out cold any day. I ran my fingers through his hair softly, my own personal signal to tell him to calm down, that everything was going to be okay. He had to know that Nikky was only joking.
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