"Sorry," he said, his voice taking on a nervous edge. "Caught up in the moment."
I giggled, releasing my boyfriend from my hold as I turned to face my brother.
"Oh, calm down Nikky," I said pointedly. "You swear like we were about to strip in the middle of the kitchen or something. We were just kissing." I sighed. "You take the role of the overprotective sibling a bit too seriously."
Nikkolas chuckled, his eyes narrowing.
"Says the girl who was mere seconds away from beating up my ex-girlfriend this morning," he pointed out.
I had to laugh at that. Maybe we were both equally obsessively overprotective of each other, but it had to be a twin thing. I hated Kayla, but mostly, I hated the person that Nikky had become when he was with her. My feelings toward her had more to do with her making my twin brother a stranger to the people who loved him than anything else.
"Touché," I said. "But whether I beat her up or not, the bitch would have had it coming."
"If that's what helps you sleep at night, little sis."
He tossed a napkin at me, and it barely touched my face.
I stuck my tongue out and flipped my brother the bird. This was going to make for an interesting night.
I cleared the table as the boys stretched out in their chairs. I handed their plates to Sarah, who was washing all of the dinner dishes as I gave them to her. Colin was sitting in the living room, watching Dora with Emerson.
"Nic, you seriously found yourself a keeper," Sarah said, handing a dish to Michie to dry off. "That was the best meal I've had since I moved out of my parents' house!"
I laughed, sitting down at the table, and crossing my legs.
"I like to think so," I said. "He's been really good to me from the moment we met."
"You seem better, Nickayla," Sarah noted. "You seem happier, and brighter. You're glowing."
I smiled lightly at the last part.
Before Sarah and Nikkolas broke up, she and I were extremely close. Her face was seen around my house nearly twice as much as Michie and Brody's were, and she had been the friend that I needed when my other friends didn't know how to help me. She, like Hanna, didn't know what I had gone through, but she was there for me unfailingly. Thanks to Colin, I wasn't afraid to tell her.
"Yeah, Colin definitely brought that out in me," I said. "I was in a pretty bad place, but he pulled me out of there." I paused, feeling heat rise in my chest and tears spring to my eyes. "I won't say that he saved me, because he didn't. But that boy in there helped me save myself."
I watched as Sarah washed the last dish, turning off the faucet and crossing the room to sit down across from me.
"Save you from what?" she asked. She flinched slightly at the look in my eye--which I could only assume was lethal--and raised her hands in surrender. "Look, I know you avoid answering questions like the plague, but you're in a much better place now, and I think the best way to get over what hurt you so badly is to talk about it."
"Kyle," I said, and at that, Michele looked over at me, a reassuring smile on her face.
She walked over to sit next to me, taking my hand and squeezing it. In that moment, I felt safer, and more serene than I ever had in my life. I had two people who cared about me trying to help me find my way, and suddenly, I wasn't scared anymore.
"Kyle?" Sarah asked, eyeing Michie's and my hands intertwined atop the table. "That's a name I haven't heard in a while."
I nodded.
"That's because he hurt me," I said.
Much like I'd predicted, the lump in my throat started to rise and my tears were fresh in my eyes. I knew that I wasn't able to talk about it without crying, and that was because the scars still felt brand new every time I tried to face that night.
"Hurt you?" Sarah asked, looking back and forth between Michele and me. "Did he hit you Nickayla? If that bastard laid a hand on you, I swear to God--"
"No, he didn't hit me," I interjected, blinking as a few tears fell. I wiped them away quickly and looked her straight in the eye. "But what he did do to me was much, much worse."
Her eyes flickered with confusion, morphing into understanding all at once.
"What could be worse than--dear God, no," she said, her voice dropping to a whisper. "Jesus Christ, Nickayla, he raped you?"
I nodded once, and she started to get up, but I grabbed her hand and yanked her back into her seat. Her eyes widened, and I leaned close to her, because I was scared to raise my voice.
"Sarah I need you to listen to me," I warned. "You cannot tell Nikkolas. I'm not ready to tell him. Shit, I haven't even told my parents! I need this to stay between us because if this gets out, you know what my brothers will do. They have no limits when it comes to protecting me. If they find out at the wrong time and in the wrong way, shit will go south before I've got the chance to stop it. I need to be the one to tell them, Sarah. Please."
She nodded slowly as her lower lip trembled. She gave my hand a gentle squeeze, and she got up quickly, running off to the bathroom.
I ran my hand over my face, wiping my tears away. Michele flashed a hundred-watt smile at me, then wrapped me in a tight hug.
"Kales I'm so proud of you!" she exclaimed.
"Thank you," I whispered.
I hugged her back lightly, then stood up, walking to the living room. I stood behind the couch, where Colin was sitting, placing my hand on his shoulder. He placed his hand over mine, holding it up and guiding me so that I was standing beside him.
"Hey there, pretty girl," he said, smiling. He took in the look on my face, and frowned. "What's wrong?"
I shook my head, and instead of Colin letting me go, he tugged on my hand so that I toppled into his lap. I sat up, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face against his neck. I remained there for a while, trying to calm myself down. Truth be told, talking about the incident with Kyle--even when it wasn't in great detail--always shook me up inside and out. I tried not to let it get to me, but it always did.
"Nic, talk to me," he whispered into my hair.
I shook my head again, hyperventilating.
To be honest, it wasn't talking about Kyle that nearly made me a basket case. It was talking about it with Sarah, and the threat of my brother finding out that scared me shitless.
I looked up at Colin, then kissed his jaw.
"Can we go, please?" I asked, my voice shaky. "I can't be here right now."
He nodded slowly, helping me stand. I held onto the couch for stability, not wanting to look Brody or my brother in the eyes. I watched as Colin grabbed our sweaters and backpacks, saying goodbye to everyone.
"You leaving, Nic?" Nikkolas asked.
I nodded, still looking at the couch. I didn't want him to see that I had been crying, or that I had been upset.
"Yeah," I told him, steadying my voice. "I'm not feeling too well, but Mich and Sarah put the brownies in the oven. Enjoy them, yeah?"
My brother nodded at me, and when Colin's arm snaked around my waist, I turned around and walked out the door without another word. Colin opened the car door for me wordlessly, helping me in. Shakily I fastened my seat belt, waiting for him to get in the car with me.
He hopped in, fastening his seat belt and starting the car. As soon as the radio turned on, Outta My Head by Daughtry started blasting from the speakers and I smacked my hands over my ears, screaming just so that I wouldn't have to hear the words of that goddamned song. I lowered my head, my eyes squeezed shut as images from that night flooded my mind.
I'd heard about sound triggers before. How people who'd lost their memories could still remember the words to Happy Birthday and connect it to a jovial memory, or how the blaring sounds of rifles in video games could trigger PTSD in someone recently come home from deployment.
Outta My Head was a sound trigger for me. With just the opening riffs of the blazing electric guitar, my mind would start reeling and my heart would start beating on overdrive. There was nothing I could do about it. The words to that song always took me ba
ck to that night at Ben's, to the night that changed everything. The beat was what remained pounding in my head as Kyle took everything from me.
I couldn't control myself. I couldn't let go. It was too much.
"Turn it off!" I yelled. "For the love of GOD, TURN IT OFF!"
You love me, don't you Nic? You love me, don't you Nic? If you love me, this should be exactly what you want.
"No, no, no, NO!" I screeched, shaking my head as I tried to block those images, those words from my mind. "No, please! NO!"
I didn't know that we were already moving, that Colin had started driving before the song even started playing, but I figured it out when he pulled over to the side of a road, shutting the car off.
He wrapped his arms around me, trying to pull my hands away from my ears as I continued to scream. He pulled at my hands, shaking me, saying words, saying things, saying nonsense but I couldn't hear him. I was hyperventilating, my entire body shaking with fear.
"Nickayla, breathe," Colin said. "Breathe, baby girl, come on."
He rubbed my back in slow, small circles. I tried to breathe, but it was just like that night, like so many nights after that, when I couldn't find my breath.
"Nic, please, talk to me," he said.
My breathing settled, and I looked at him, my eyes wide.
"I don't want to talk about this," I whispered. "Please don't make me."
Colin's eyes flashed with a devastation that I'd never seen before, and he cleared his throat as he took my hand, pulling it up to his heart. I felt his heartbeat pounding against his chest, nearly as fast as my own.
"Nickayla, you're really scaring me," he said. I remained silent, and he pounded his fist against the dashboard. "Goddamn it, talk to me!" His voice was agonized and frustrated, but I shook my head. "Don't do this! We've moved past this, Nic, we have. You have to talk to me."
"Like Hell I do," I said, opening the door and jumping out, walking away from him and not looking back.
"Push me away all you want, Nickayla," Colin said, jumping out of the car and slamming the door as he raced after me. "I don't know why you're scared but I can help you! You can't keep walking away! God, you are so stubborn!"
"Fuck you!" I screeched.
All I wanted was to be alone, to fall to my knees and cry. I didn't want to talk about the rape anymore; I didn't want to talk about anything. Kyle had hurt me too much to explain, and after whatever the Hell that was in the car, I had no desire to try.
"I'm right and you know it! You just don't want to admit it because you can't admit to yourself that you might actually need someone--that you might actually need me."
I turned around, my hair whipping wildly about.
"And why exactly would I need you?" I asked, bewildered. "You are arrogant, self-centered, infuriating, the most insufferable know-it-all I have ever met, and--"
"And I love you!" he shot back, interrupting my tirade. "More than anyone else in the world, I love you. I love you with all of your damn quirks and your nightmares and all your fears that have absolutely nothing to do with me. You just can't stand the idea that anyone might care for you, so you run."
I glared at him, angry.
"I do NOT run!" I screeched.
"You do SO run, Nickayla!" he roared.
I stopped dead in my tracks, stunned into silence by the anger and frustration in his voice. Colin had never raised his voice at me before, and I knew that I didn't like it.
I stared at him, completely flustered as he raked his fingers angrily through his hair.
"You drive me INSANE," he groaned. "The day I met you, how did you get to the lake? You were running away after an argument with your mom. The first day of school, you see Kyle, and how do you end up in the bathroom, screaming at a closed door? You were running away to keep from having a confrontation with him. How do you end up at my house nearly every single weekend with my little sister and me, rather than hanging out with your friends who are your age? You're running from everyone's questions about what happened to you last year." He paused, exasperated, lowering his voice. It was soft, almost soothing. "You run away from every problem, every question, and every potential confrontation since what happened with Kyle."
I blinked as he walked over to me, gently placing a hand on my face, caressing my cheek.
"But I love you, Nic," he said, "and as long as you love me, too, I'm going to continue to run after you. You're worth the chase."
I tried to speak, tried to voice my emotions to tell him that I did, in fact, love him, but no words came out. Instead, I responded with a kiss, sweet and tender, but it erupted in flames the minute our lips met. It was the best answer I could give him in that moment.
I love you, I thought, for I still couldn't find my voice.
Add that to the list of times Colin Westwick left me speechless.
Twenty Three.
I watched the clock hit 11:59 p.m. and I frowned to myself. I turned off my cell phone notifications, vaguely aware of the fact that my Facebook notifications were going to be through the roof once the clock struck 12, then got up and turned off my bedside lamp. In less than a minute, it would be my and Nikkolas’s birthday, and I hadn't heard from Colin in hours. It depressed me probably more than it should have, but I'd hoped to spend my day with him.
I lay against my headboard, closing my eyes, even though I knew that I wasn't going to fall asleep. I tried not to let myself get angry, but I was slightly upset. I heard a knock on my bedroom door, and, frustrated, I pulled my covers up over my head.
"Nikkolas, go away! We can celebrate in the morning!" I yelled.
The audible squeak of my door being pushed open spurred me into action. I leapt up, tossing the covers back.
"What the Hell did I say? Go away!" I hollered, struggling to find my way in the dark. I stumbled over my own feet, and I bumped into a large body. I flipped on the light, and was stunned to find the last person that I expected standing before me. "Colin?"
He grinned, stepping forward and wrapping both his arms around me as he lifted me off the ground in an enormous hug. I twined my arms behind his neck as I buried my face in his shoulder.
"Happy birthday, pretty girl," Colin said, kissing me on the lips. He set me down on the floor.
I happened to look over at my desk, and I saw that there were two boxes sitting on top of it. One was wrapped neatly in turquoise wrapping paper with gold accents, and another box that looked like it had come from a bakery.
"I thought you forgot," I said quietly as I lowered my head.
"Never," he said. He handed me the smaller box, a small smile on his face. "This is gift number one. Open it."
I turned the package repeatedly in my hand as I looked up at him.
I was so shocked that he was even there, in my room, at midnight, when I thought that he'd forgotten all about my birthday. It had never been important to me before, but with Colin, everything was a million times more important than it ever was.
"How did you get in here?" I asked, morbidly curious.
"Your brother told me about the spare key underneath the flower pot," he said nonchalantly. "He said your parents weren't coming in until later tonight, so he'd cover for us. Naomi was quite accommodating as well."
I laughed.
"Sounds like you've had this planned for a while," I said.
"I have," he told me. "Open the present."
I slid my finger under the flap of the wrapping paper, tearing it open. The small box was silver, and I pulled it open quickly. I unfolded the tissue paper and found a small note that read, where words fail, music speaks. I glanced up at him quickly, then moved it, placing it down on my desk as I picked up the gift within.
"You got me an iPod," I said softly. I turned it on, and then met his gaze as I realized that there was a lock code.
"N, Q, C, W," he said, a shy, crooked smile on his lips. "Our initials." He paused. "You can change it later if you like."
I laughed, then put in the lock code as I swiped
through the apps and found that there was a play list already loaded on the iPod. It was labeled, Nickaylin.
"Very cheesy, Westwick," I said, smiling.
I ran my finger up the screen and putting in one of the ear buds as I listened to the opening notes of Follow Through by Gavin DeGraw. I smiled, although my heart broke a little more as I listened to the meaning behind the words that he'd sung to me two weeks earlier. I scrolled through the play list, noting a few songs I knew, like I Love You This Big by Scotty McCreery, Lego House and Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran, and our song, Wanted by Hunter Hays. As I continued looking through the play list, only seeing the titles of the songs, I felt tears springing to my eyes. I pressed play on a song that sounded promising: Start of Something Good by Daughtry, and I covered my mouth with my hand as I looked up at Colin.
"Babe," I gasped. "This has got to be...the most romantic gift I've ever gotten."
He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear as he kissed the top of my head, sending chills through my entire body. I watched as Colin opened the other box, revealing a small birthday cake with the words Happy Birthday Nickayla piped on top in a beautiful manuscript. He reached in his pocket and pulled out "17" in number candles, placing them on top of the cake. He lit the candles, then reached behind him for his guitar, which I hadn't even noticed that he'd brought until that very moment. He lifted it up, tossing the strap over his shoulder as he began plucking on the strings.
Colin's green eyes held mine in that single moment as he began singing along to 1,2,3,4 by the Plain Whjte T's. It was one of my favorites, and he knew it. Tears filled my eyes as he started strumming slightly faster as I placed my hand over my heart, trying to hold back my tears. He gestured toward the cake, smiling at me as he continued to strum.
I leaned forward, closing my eyes as I thought of the one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world. I blew out my candles, then opened my eyes and wrapped my arms around Colin. I pulled him forward until we toppled onto my bed.
"I love you Colin Westwick," I said, reaching up and finding a tuft of his hair as I pulled him toward me. He nuzzled his face against my neck, making me squeal out in delight. He rolled over on his side, putting his arm under me and pulling me up against him. "How long are you staying?"
Losing Me Page 25