He pulled away slowly, his eyes closed. When they opened, they were full of questions. I left my hands in place, holding us in that moment, because once we left it, there would be no going back. He would be livid over what'd happened with Kyle, and he'd be guilty that he wasn't there to protect me. I just needed to be in that moment with him before anger, guilt, and sadness overtook the both of us.
"Are you going to tell me what happened last night?" he asked.
I nodded.
"Yeah," I said, watching as he breathed deeply. "I ran into Kyle at the party."
He sighed, then looked down at his lap. His eyes closed, his hands wringing in his lap as he remained silent. Finally, he spoke, "So that's why you were so upset last night."
I shook my head no.
It was easy to assume that I simply broke down, buckling at the knees when I was in Kyle's presence, but that wasn't the case, and I wished that he would give me more credit. When I'd finally told him that Kyle raped me, the look in his eyes in that moment was completely lethal. In all honesty, I was afraid of what he might do if he knew what Kyle had tried to do last night.
"Partially," I said, slowly. "If I tell you the rest, you have to promise you're not going to get mad."
He glanced up at me momentarily, his eyes narrowing. His mouth stretched into a tight line, and he clenched his fists.
"Tell me the rest of what?" he asked, through gritted teeth.
Oh, boy. This was not going to be good. I hadn't expected for him to be okay, especially after how I opened the conversation, but I hadn't expected him to get so angry so quickly.
"I didn't just run into Kyle," I said, measuring my words slowly and cautiously.
"I was doing fine, actually. Michie and Brody were fighting, and they'd taken off to Ben's room to talk things out. I was hanging out with Taylor and her friends, but I'd headed outside so that I could get something to drink. When I tried to Kyle stopped me in the hallway…I tried to get away from him, but he..." I trailed off, unable to continue.
I examined Colin's expression as he eyed me, waiting for me to finish. His eyes were lifeless, but his mouth twisted into a disgusted grimace. The veins in his neck throbbed, and suddenly I was extremely regretful of the fact that I'd brought Kyle up at all.
"But he what?" Colin asked, studying my face.
Get a grip, Nickayla, I thought. Just tell him.
"He wouldn't let me leave the hallway," I said. "He grabbed me really hard and asked me to kiss him." I pulled off my shirt, showing him the finger-shaped bruises on my arm. I was sure that if I turned around, there would likely be a bruise on my back. "When I refused, he slammed me against the wall and pinned me there. I had to kick him to get him to release me." My voice cracked on the last word. "I was really scared that he was going to--that he was going to hurt me again. Once I was free, I ran, and I ended up here."
Colin took my hand gingerly, extending it and twisting it so that he could examine the bruises on my arm even closer. He sucked in a shocked breath, then reached up and lightly feathered each bruise with his fingertips, as though his touch would heal them. He nudged my shoulder a little bit, and he examined my back. He gasped again, but he didn't look at me, wouldn't look at me. His face was expressionless, a mask that I knew was hiding all the anger he felt deep down inside.
"I can't believe he did this to you," he said. "I can't believe he put his hands on you."
I shook my head.
"He didn't hit me, Colin," I said. "He just grabbed me and pushed me really hard. I swear, I'm okay."
I forced a smile, and Colin held my arm up, his face contorting into a look of disgust.
"Nickayla, look at your arm! Get a good look at your fucking back!" he exclaimed in exasperation. "This is not okay." He pulled me against his chest, much gentler than I expected after his outburst. He supported me in his strong arms, returning to his old self.
"I'm not going to do anything right now," he said, "but wait until I see that asshole on Monday."
I knew better than to talk him down. Last time, Colin was more than vocal about his disdain for Kyle. There was yelling, there were tears, there were things thrown, and that was just me. I missed his rage, but I got more than an earful about it off Suze the following morning, when Colin was coming home from the ER after having fractured bones in his hand from punching a wall. This time, I knew that the silence was a sign that something big was going to go down. I would have much rather preferred the rage.
"Colin, you can't do anything to Kyle," I told him, desperate to make sure that he didn't do anything drastic.
The last thing that I needed was for Colin to provoke Kyle before Support Day. I needed Kyle to be there, to hear what I had to say.
"Why the Hell not?" Colin asked, his anger returning.
I closed my eyes, hoping that he would understand.
"Support Day," I replied simply.
His face twisted in confusion, and I realized that I hadn't explained Support Day to him yet. He'd been so busy working, and I'd been so busy preparing myself for it that I hadn't had the chance to.
"I volunteered for support day in my support group," I said. "It's something that Elizabeth hosts every month where we get the opportunity to confront our demons, and I volunteered to do it this month." I paused. "I have invitations for my brothers, my sister, my parents, Hanna, Brody, Michele, you, Ben, Taylor, and... and Kyle."
At the sound of Kyle's name, anger flashed through his eyes again, but he registered what I'd said.
"Wait," Colin said slowly. "You're going to tell them? All of them?"
I simply nodded.
His eyes softened, and he even treated me to a crooked smile before he placed a kiss on my forehead.
I could feel his pride in that simple kiss, and I could feel the emotions that were building up inside him. His thumb grazed the side of my face, tucking my hair behind my ear.
"My God," he said. "I'm so proud of you." He kissed me on the lips quickly, then pulled away, a smile on his face. "What made you decide this?"
For some reason, those words affected me more than I'd anticipated. I'd never felt particularly proud of myself, and I'd never felt as though I'd made anyone else proud before. It was both a shocking and unnerving feeling, but it was appreciated.
I sighed, nestling my head against his shoulder.
"I just...I've come so far in the past six months. I've changed so much since what happened last year. Yeah, I still have weak moments, yeah I still get upset when I have to talk about what happened," I said with a pause. "But I think the next step to letting go and moving on is telling the people that I love--the people that I've kept in the dark--about what happened to me. They deserve to know, and I just think it's long overdue."
Colin nodded, not bothering to question me about why I needed him to leave Kyle alone until then, or why I needed Kyle to be there in the first place. It was great, because I didn't want to have to explain.
"When exactly is this Support Day?" Colin asked. "I want to know so that I can ask Vitali for that day off from work."
"It'll be on Friday," I replied. "Friday at the community center at 4 p.m. It's going to be interesting to say the least." I paused. "I want to tell Brody before Friday, though. I need him to know."
Colin cocked an eyebrow at me, clearly curious at my statement.
"How come?" he asked.
"I've known Brody even longer than I've known Michele," I said. "He's the kind of person who blames himself for everything, and he'll blame himself for what happened that night, because he was off getting laid while I was getting raped. If I don't get the chance to talk him down beforehand, he's going to carry that guilt around until the end of time."
Colin chuckled, giving me a light nod.
"Yeah, that sounds like Brody. I'm sure he'll appreciate you telling him ahead of time." He paused.
"I'll drop you off at home and then you can take care of whatever you need to with Brody while I go to work," Colin said. "But if you need
me, no matter what time it is, call me. Okay?"
"Okay," I said.
Thankfully, my parents were both gone when Colin dropped me off at my house. I knew that they would be working, but once they got home and realized that I hadn't come home the night before, they'd be furious. I just needed to hold them off long enough to give them their Support Day invitations.
Brody was already on his way over, and I was pacing the living room like crazy. For some reason, I was more afraid of his reaction to what I needed to tell him than I was of Colin's, my dad's and my brothers' combined. I had this connection with Brody that was more like he was my counterpart than just my best friend. I craved his approval desperately, and I hated doing anything that could possibly make him think any less of me.
He had spent the majority of his life protecting everyone around him and me. I needed him to understand my reasoning behind not telling him what Kyle had done, and I needed him to absolve himself of guilt once I told him, even though I still wasn't quite sure how to do that myself.
"Nic?" Brody called out, finding me in the kitchen making my favorite comfort food, fresas con crema--strawberries with a sweet cream. "Hey."
I smiled at him, waving him over so that he'd sit at the kitchen table. I knew that he wanted to hug me, but if he touched me before I was able to talk to him, I would break down and chicken out before I got the chance to tell him anything. I needed him to keep his distance for the time being.
"How did you get in?" I asked.
He grinned lightly.
"You know that spare key under the flowerpot by the front door?" he asked in response. I nodded, and he continued, "I'm the one who put it there."
I threw a strawberry at him, wanting it to hit him in the face, but with smooth agility, he reached up and caught it in his hand, popping it into his mouth with a laugh.
"So what's up?" he asked. "You said you needed to talk, but I figured you'd be spending time with Colin on this lovely Monday off of school."
I shook my head.
"No, he's working today, but he gets off at four, so we might go to the lake house," I said. I poured my sweet cream mixture over the freshly cut strawberries, grabbing two spoons and setting a small bowl of the concoction in front of Brody. I reached in the back pocket of my jeans for his invitation, then I smacked it down on the table before I sat down. "This is what I needed to talk to you about."
Brody eyed it suspiciously before sticking his finger under the flap of the envelope and ripping it open.
"'Heart of a Warrior Support Group cordially invites you, Brody Durham, to Nickayla Quinn's Support Day,'" he read aloud. "'We request your attendance at the Harlow Community Center on Friday, the first of June, at 4 p.m. We ask that you bring your support, an open mind, and a few spare hugs on this milestone in Nickayla's life.'" He put the invitation down and looked up at me. "What the Hell is this?"
Shakily, I took my seat at my kitchen table across from Brody.
"There's something that I need to tell you," I said. "I've spent at least a year trying to avoid it, but I can't anymore. I think you deserve to know, but I know how much you hate to be blindsided by things."
Brody wiggled uncomfortably in his seat before leaning forward and taking my hand. I could tell that he was fidgety already, and I hadn't told him anything yet.
"Okay," he said quietly, squeezing my hand.
I wasn't sure how to tell him, other than just ripping the Band-Aid off and hoping that he took the news well.
"Last year at Ben's party, my life changed forever," I said. "There's no easy way to say this Brody, but I was raped at that party." He jerked his hand away from mine and brought it up to his mouth, covering it quickly with a look of disgust. "I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you before. I was just...scared."
He shoved away from the table and stood up, pacing around the kitchen with his hand to his mouth.
"You mean to tell me that last year while I was fucking some random bitch, you--my best friend--you were being raped by some drunken asshole? Are you fucking serious?" he asked. When I nodded, he walked over to the sink and leaned over it, one hand to his stomach. "I seriously think I'm gonna be sick."
I stood up, frantic, wanting to be near him and help him through this as much as possible. I stood behind him, my hand on his shoulder, but he moved away from me.
"Brody," I pleaded, tears springing to my eyes. "I'm so...so sorry!"
He shook his head, trying to put as much distance as possible between the two of us.
"No, Nickayla!" he exclaimed. "Please don't touch me right now. Please, don't." He crouched down to a squat, his hands on his knees as he closed his eyes. "How did I let something like that happen to you? How could I leave you alone like that?" I could see the realization hit him when he opened his eyes and they widened in fear. "That's why you wanted me at the party with you last night! God damn it!"
He stood up and bent over the sink again, holding on to the marble edges and breathing heavily. He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth before turning his head slightly to look at me.
"Who was it?" he asked.
I shook my head, afraid to tell him.
He and Kyle were like brothers. Up until the incident with Colin and me, Brody and Kyle were damn near inseparable. I would hate to ruin a friendship for Brody, especially when he had so few people truly in his corner as it was.
"Brody, please, calm down, and let's talk about this," I said.
He shook his head and slammed his hand on the sink.
"Who was the drunken asshole, Nickayla? I need to know!" he exclaimed. When I still wouldn't concede, he swiped his hand over the counter, tossing everything, including some of my dishes, onto the floor with a loud crash. "TELL ME!"
"It was Kyle," I whimpered, slapping my hand over my mouth to conceal my sobs.
His hands clutched at my sink desperately, his knuckles turning white.
"I'm going to fucking kill him," he said simply.
He jerked away from the sink and took off toward the foyer, and I ran after him, snatching up his car keys before he had the chance to. I held them behind my back, and he reached for them, trying to coax them away from me. I wasn't letting up.
"Please, Brody, sit," I begged. "I need you to think clearly for a second." He groaned, raking his hand over his face, but he allowed me to push him back toward the kitchen. He sat down on top of the table, his face in his hands. "Brody, you can't hurt Kyle. That doesn't work for him. When you give in to his games and fight back, he only gets worse, and I'm the one who has to suffer the consequences of that."
I tugged off my shirt, turning around so that he could see the giant bruise forming on my back, then I extended both arms in a Birth of Venus pose so that he could see the five round, purple imprints on the both of them.
His face turned beet red, and he blinked angrily.
"Who the fuck did that to you?" he asked, through gritted teeth.
"Kyle," I replied without hesitation. "He did this last night."
I dropped my arms, and Brody grabbed my shirt, opening it and putting it back over my head, extending my arms and pushing them through their subsequent holes gently. He pulled me into his arms, holding me against his chest.
This time, however, I wasn't the one who cried.
His body shook as he rested his chin atop my head. His arms tightened around mine and then he kissed my hair.
"I'm so sorry, Nickayla," he said, sincerely. "I'm sorry that I didn't protect you. I'm sorry that I let him hurt you. I'm sorry that I wasn't there to stop him. I'm just...I'm just so fucking sorry."
I pulled away from him, taking his face in my hands and forcing him to look at me.
"Brody, you have to know that this wasn't your fault," I assured him. "No one could have known what Kyle was capable of. I didn't think that he was capable of hurting me the way that he did. No one could have known, and it's no one's fault but his." I paused, giving him a hug. "I'm sorry that I took so long to tell you."
B
rody shook his head, running his hands through his hair.
"Don't worry about me, Nic," he said. "I'll be fine. I'm just...pissed and frustrated and hurt and confused." I lowered my head, but he placed his thumb under my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes. "None of those emotions towards you. I promise. Don't worry about me."
I nodded, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face in his shoulder.
We sat in silence for a while, just wrapped in a hug and comforting each other that way. Even given the fact that some of my dishes had gotten broken, I thought that he'd taken the news well. He'd taken it better than Colin had, honestly, but I wasn't about to tell him that.
Brody pulled away from me, pushing me away slightly and hopping off the table. He sat back in his chair, pulling the bowl of fresas con crema in front of him and taking a bite.
"So what the Hell is this Support Day thing?" Brody asked.
I sighed, taking a bite of my own fresas.
"I've been going to the HOW support group for a month now," I said. "I volunteered for Support Day, which is basically a day where I can invite all of my friends and family--and my attacker if I so decide--to tell my story and confront what's happened to me. I need to get it off my chest, and I need to let it go."
Brody nodded, shoveling another spoonful of strawberries into his mouth.
"And you've invited Kyle?" he asked.
I nodded.
"I've got Michie putting his invitation in his locker tomorrow before school," I said. "I kinda need you and Colin not to kill him before Friday. Think you can manage that?"
Brody chuckled, finishing off his strawberries and pushing the bowl aside.
"Sure," he said. He leaned back in his chair, resting his chin in his hand. "So Colin knows, huh? How'd he take that?"
Losing Me Page 33