Love Spells

by Robyn Peterman

“Fine,” I snapped, before the weirdo went all Rambo on me. “But I’m telling you right now, I’m not touching the nards.”

  “Use yar gift,” Pirate Sven insisted. “Let’s see what ye can really do.”

  I stared at the Pirate Crab who just stared right back at me. What I really wanted was some of that hummus. He wasn’t right in the head, but neither was I. I spoke to fish and apparently I could heal them. Who knew?

  I was skeptical, but the Pirate wasn’t going to give up the hummus until I tried. Whatever. I would give it a shot. Don Guido would certainly be grateful if I could restore his man bits. But I wasn’t going to touch them.

  No fucking way.

  9

  Ariel

  “It’s not a big deal,” I said, doing my best to sound nonchalant even though I was anything but.

  Clearly I failed. The silence was deafening.

  It was making me itchy.

  The three people I loved more than any others sat side by side on the overstuffed couch in our cozy quarters and stared at me. Their legs and arms were crossed and their mouths were in perfect little O’s. I was kind of hoping their shock at the developing situation would render them mute for the rest of the day or at least five minutes.

  Nope. My sisters never stayed quiet for long.

  “It’s a very big deal,” Madison snapped as her pink hair began to float around her head in enchanted frustration. “Krakens are coming. We had a heck of a time killing one with all of our powers combined. Now we’re talking a bunch of the slimy fuckers. Not good.”

  “Which is exactly why I have to go find the Kraken Whisperers,” I shot back with an eye roll. I knew it was serious—very serious. Everything we had depended on my finding the idiot Selkies and bringing them back. “The sooner I go the better. Pirate Doug says we have three days before they hit shore.”

  “And you have to kiss the nard,” Madison added.

  “Whatever,” I said, making no eye contact whatsoever. “That’s the least of my problems at the moment.”

  “And why does it have to be you?” Madison kept going as her anger made pink sparkles rain down from the ceiling. “Why can’t the arses— Thornycraft, Upton and Bonar go while you stay safely here with us?”

  “Because Pirate Doug chose me,” I yelled. My own blue hair began to blow wildly as well. All of our magic was close to the surface and I knew we’d probably blow up the resort soon, but I wasn’t backing down. “I know Pirate Doug’s an idiot in everyday life, but he knows what he’s doing in battle. Sorry Tallulah,” I apologized to my sister since the Pirate in question was her mate. She simply nodded her head and winked. She thought he was a dummy as well, but she loved him to a distraction. And I was hoping the wink meant she was on my side. “Besides, I… umm… know the Selkie nardhole. I have a better chance than anyone to convince him to help us.”

  “Dudette, dudette, duuuuudette,” Misty said, shaking her head and running her hands through her silky green hair. “You certainly know how to step on a jellyfish.”

  “More like a smack of jellyfish,” Madison added with a grim smile.

  “Isn’t it weird that it’s called a smack?” Misty asked. “I mean who came up with that?”

  “Right?” Madison agreed as she calmed down a bit. “I’d have called it a shit pile of jellyfish. Or possibly a stinging ass load of transparent jackholes.”

  “Nice.” Misty nodded her head. “However, shit, ass, and jackhole aren’t really acceptable words in polite company.”

  “We’re not exactly polite,” I pointed out, trying to keep my sisters on a subject that didn’t concern me and my bad choices or lead to mass destruction of the resort. Thankfully my siblings were very easily distracted. The sparkles and the blowing hair had ceased. Now I just had to keep it that way.

  “This is true, but I vote to change the smack term to something that fits better,” Madison said, warming to the subject. “I say from this day forward we call a group of jellyfish a Satan’s Searing Shit Storm. It rolls off the tongue and I love alliteration. You feel me?”

  “Yep,” Misty said. “I’m in. Anyone want a frozen margarita?”

  “Always,” Madison said as she hopped up off the couch and moved to leave. “Wait.”

  She stopped short and appeared completely perplexed. Misty paused as well. The only one who looked calm and serene was Tallulah who hadn’t spoken a word… yet.

  “What in Poseidon’s junk in the trunk were we talking about?” Madison asked. “I think it was important.”

  “Umm… ass loads of jellyfish?” Misty suggested.

  “No. It’s Satan’s Searing Shit Storms of jellyfish. And that’s not what I meant. We were discussing something meaningful.”

  “I think getting rid of the term smack is impactful,” Misty replied.

  “While I agree with you, I still think we’re forgetting something here,” Madison said, pressing her fingers to the bridge of her nose.

  I wasn’t about to help them out. I didn’t need to listen to their crap. I was going to save the day and have an adventure. Of course, I’d stupidly agreed to kiss a nard in exchange for the location of the said nard, but that was what I had to do. The fate of our island was at stake.

  Secretly, I was looking forward to all of it. However, that ridiculously embarrassing fact would never leave my lips. And I definitely needed to start up my therapy sessions again. My attraction to idiots was not healthy.

  “Ladies,” Tallulah said with an eye roll. “And I used the term lightly. We were discussing our baby sister going on a dangerous mission with a bizarre twist of blackmail thrown in.”

  “No we weren’t,” I said quickly, hoping to run the conversation off the track again. “We were discussing the cockamamie farked up collective terms used for sea creatures. For example, who thought it was a great idea to name a group of sea otters a romp? Or a group of minnows a steam? And what kind of turd head decided to call a bunch of sea slugs a bouquet? I mean, come on… comparing a slug to a flower?”

  “Dude, is that correct?” Madison asked, shocked.

  “Yep,” I said, beginning to hit my stride. I’d been able to confuse my sisters for centuries. Well, two of them. Tallulah was tough, but I was going to give it my best shot. “And what sort of douchecanoe decided to call a cluster of sea cucumbers a pickle?”

  “Now that one is kind of good,” Misty pointed out with a giggle.

  “Agreed,” I said with a grin. “However, I have to give props to the person—probably a woman—who coined the term galaxy for a gang of starfish.”

  “Brilliant. Definitely a woman,” Madison said.

  “A mass of lobsters is a pod. A bunch of sharks are a gam, herd, frenzy, school or shiver. I prefer frenzy and as far as I know the sharks like school—sounds very intelligent. Gam would be okay since they’ve been known to enjoy munching on legs, but it’s a little gross. Sharks like to go against the stereotype—very elitist crowd. Not that I don’t like sharks. I do. Just calling a spade a spade.”

  My sisters were looking dazed and confused—which, apropos of nothing, was a really fun movie.

  Now I just needed to go in for the kill.

  “Clams are called a bed which is appropriate since they’re very hooker-y and eels are a swarm, pipe, cell or array. I think pipe is best. It’s weird like eels are and it’s descriptively accurate. However, a group of shrimp is called lunch and shrimp go wonderfully with that margarita you were talking about. So if you guys want to get started, I’ll join you in a few. Sound good?”

  Misty nodded in bewilderment and staggered toward the door with a stupefied Madison in tow. Thinking on my feet, I pushed my dumbfounded siblings out the door and slammed it shut. Closing my eyes and pressing my cheek against the cool wood, I sighed. Two down and one left to confuse. However, there was no confusing Tallulah. She was our leader. She was the oldest and the smartest. Her mating with Pirate Doug meant her taste in men was beyond questionable, but I certainly wasn’t one to talk. I had appallin
g taste in men myself.

  “Outstanding work, baby girl,” Tallulah said with a laugh. “However, there’s still a discussion waiting to be had.”

  “Fine,” I said on a sigh. Getting it over with was necessary. As set as I was on going, I truly did want my sister’s approval. “What part did you want to dissect?”

  “How about the blackmail part? Are you okay with that? If you’re not, I’m quite sure I can torture the location out of our new neighbors,” Tallulah offered with a lopsided grin.

  “You would do that for me?” I asked. My sister was nuts. Selkies were notoriously violent. Mermaids were no shrinking violets, but Selkies were known warriors.

  “I would do anything for you—anything in the world. I love you.”

  My eyes welled up with tears and I threw myself at my adored oldest sister. “I would do anything for you too,” I told her, hugging her tight.

  “Will you tell me the truth?” she inquired as she tucked a stray strand of blue hair behind my ear.

  “Do I have to?”

  “Yep,” she replied with a smile. “I need to know what’s in your very full head. And I’d also like to congratulate you on your bizarre knowledge of sea creatures.”

  “Thank you,” I said with a giggle and then sobered. If Tallulah wanted the truth, I would give it to her. Easing myself from her embrace, I paced the colorful room. I wondered if she would be disappointed in me. We’d lost our mother so many decades ago and I’d come to think of Tallulah as my mother figure.

  Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I let it rip.

  “I’m not happy. I’m bored. Living forever can get kind of tedious,” I said, wrinkling my nose and letting my chin fall to my chest. “It’s not that I don’t love you and Misty and Madison… I just… want to go. I want to see the world. And I want to do it without my big sisters watching me mess up. I want to make my own mistakes and my own victories and I want to have fun.”

  Tallulah was quiet as she watched me struggle with my words.

  “It’s not that I’m ungrateful,” I said quickly. “I love it here. It’s my home. You’re my home, but I want to have something all my own. I want to find my own true love.”

  I peeked over at my silent sister. Much to my surprise she was grinning.

  “You’re not mad at me?” I asked.

  “Nope. I want you to have all those things too. What I’m worried about is you possibly dealing with the Krakens alone. Not to mention having to kiss a Selkie named Keith who asked you to do his laundry during a boink. A Mermaid’s kiss can be a very dangerous thing. You can bind a man to you if you’re not careful.”

  “It’s only dangerous if I love him,” I pointed out, feeling my stomach flip-flop.

  “And do you?” Tallulah asked.

  “Look, Keith’s a nard,” I said with a giggle. “It’s really too bad because he was tremendous in the boink department and he made me laugh… until he didn’t. Honestly, I don’t know that much about him. I wanted to, but…” I sighed and sat down next to my sister. “We were only together for a week when he showed his jackhole colors. And trust me on this. He’s not going to want to kiss me anymore than I want to kiss him. His mom is as bonkers as he is to suggest it. His last memory of me was me standing over him with a sword ready to remove his Johnson.”

  “Interesting,” Tallulah said with a small smirk. “How did he get out of that? You’re damned good with a sword.”

  “At the time I didn’t understand, but now I do,” I said, putting it together as I spoke. “Strangest thing happened. I was just about to lop off his wank and all of a sudden six sea turtles and a few lobsters showed up in my room. My little fish jumped out of my fish tank and three of my mini frogs escaped their hut. I was so alarmed and worried that my fish and frogs would die I rushed to the tank and the hut and put them back in. In the time it took me to do that, Keith was gone.”

  “You think he called to the creatures?” Tallulah asked.

  “I do. At the time I thought it was a bizarre coincidence and that he was the luckiest Selkie in the land, but now I think he called to them to save his sorry lame ass,” I said shaking my head and grinning.

  “How much do you like this nard?” Tallulah asked with a raised brow.

  “I hate him,” I replied far too quickly, knowing that I wasn’t exactly telling the whole truth at the moment.

  “Again, interesting,” Tallulah said, smiling. “You do realize I hated Pirate Doug when he showed back up here?”

  “Your point?” I asked, raising my own brow.

  “No point. Just an observation,” she said, trying to bite back her delight.

  She failed.

  “I don’t like him—at all,” I insisted. “My true love will do his own freakin’ laundry and he’ll know how to cook.”

  “Those are your requirements for your Prince Charming?” Tallulah asked with a laugh. “You’re pretty easy.”

  “Oh my seahorse,” I grumbled. “He’ll also be tall, handsome, kind, funny, and have a spectacular package along with drop dead dimples. He’ll want to go on adventures and he’ll love me. We’ll travel the world and save the day all over the place. He’ll have extensive knowledge of great movies and he’ll like to sleep late on the weekends. We’ll do crossword puzzles and then we’ll boink—regularly, energetically and spontaneously. He’ll have to love the water and be fond of my violent need for to smack down on bad guys every now and then. It would be great if we could smack down on bad guys together, but that’s not a requirement. I’m really good at it, so as long as he’s cool it will work.”

  “Umm… you’ve put a lot of thought into this,” Tallulah said trying not to laugh. “Sounds like you’re looking for a super hero—your very own Aquaman.”

  “A Mermaid can wish,” I said with a giggle. “And being immortal leaves me with a bunch of time on my hands. You feel me?”

  “I feel you,” she said. “I also believe in you. You’re meant to fly or swim to greatness, my little sister. I’ll always worry about you, but you have my blessing and my support. I want you to find your happily ever after just like I found mine.”

  “Well, before I can do that, I need to save the island from the butthole Krakens.”

  “This is true,” Tallulah said as she rose from the couch and then paused. “What’s a group of Krakens called?”

  I thought about that one for a second and realized I didn’t know. Krakens rarely formed groups. They mainly travelled solo.

  “I’d have to call a group of Krakens a clusterfuck,” I replied. “A big fat hairy clusterfuck.”

  “Appropriate,” she said with a curt nod. “You have three days. Do you know how going to find the nards?”

  “Not yet, but I will shortly,” I told Tallulah. “I’m meeting their mom on the beach in twenty minutes.”

  “Good luck with that,” Tallulah said as she kissed the top of my head. “She’s insane.”

  “Not a problem. I’m not quite right in the head either. It will be fine.”

  I hoped.

  Ask any tuna you happen to see. Who’s the craziest Mermaid?

  That would be me.

  *

  “So you’re telling me that Pirate Doug is the heir apparent to Poseidon’s throne?” Kate asked with a looked of pained disbelief on her lovely face.

  “Yep,” I said, picking up a pretty pink shell and putting it in my pocket. “But thankfully Poseidon isn’t planning on retiring any time soon.”

  “And Pirate Doug’s mother?” Kate questioned.

  “Janet. She’s a demi-Goddess, but she goes by Wally.”

  “Like damn it, Janet, I love you?” Kate asked.

  A movie reference? I froze and my mouth dropped open. Was this woman a kindred soul? Crap. Everything kept getting more complicated. I really didn’t want to like Keith’s family because I didn’t like Keith… but then again, his family didn’t seem too fond of him either.

  “What?” Kate asked, alarmed as she quickly scanned the b
each for danger.

  “I asked the same thing when I heard Janet’s name,” I told her. “You’ve seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show?”

  “Of course I have,” Kate replied with a laugh. “It’s a classic, along with Waiting for Guffman, Spinal Tap, Talledega Nights and Napoleon Dynamite.”

  Again, I was struck speechless. Kate was awesome. How did she produce such a dork of a son?

  “Do you like Sharknado?” I asked, testing her.

  Her eyes shot to mine in delighted surprise and a slow and satisfied smile pulled at her lips.

  “I watch all those movies with my boys,” she said, waiting for my reaction. “Keith loves Sharknado.”

  I schooled my expression. I didn’t care that Keith had great taste in movies. I really I didn’t know much about the butthole, other than his unparalleled bedroom skills… and I wasn’t going to share that with his mother. I did know he couldn’t cook or do laundry, which made him a sexist loser. Time to change the subject.

  “Poseidon is wooing Wally,” I said, searching for anything to get Kate’s mind off mating off her son. I considered going back into my useless knowledge of groups of sea creatures, but Kate wasn’t as easily distracted as my sisters. “After we kicked the Kraken’s ass a few months ago, Wally kneed the God of the Sea in the nuts.”

  “Did he deserve it?” Kate inquired.

  “Absolutely.”

  “Then good for her,” she said with a grin. “Do they live on the Mystical Isle as well?”

  “Gods no,” I shouted and then tamped it back. I was very aware it wasn’t good form to insult the Sea God even if he was an odd, green haired, egotistical lover of rum. “They just visit occasionally—and cause tons of destruction.”

  “I see.”

  We strolled in awkward silence. The sun was setting on the water and a few early stars popped out in the darkening sky. Twilight was my favorite time of the day and honestly I wanted to be alone to think. Sharing it with the mother of a dumbass I wanted to think about was messing with my chi, but I needed information and I needed it now.

  I could tell Kate wanted to wax poetic about her idiot son. All I wanted to know was where he was so I could drag his sorry Selkie butt back to Mystical Isle and save the day. The Krakens weren’t going to wait for us to get back up. Three days. I had three days.