Love Spells

by Robyn Peterman

  “Yep. Now give the lobster some balls, Tar Stain. We’ve got work to do!”

  Pirate Sven’s excitement made me a little gassy. I wasn’t a big fan of school, but even I knew I had to make a few small adjustments. Kurt was going to crap his surf shorts. Maybe today was looking up.

  “Okay, Don Guido. We’re gonna do this. And if you ever get your nuts whacked off again, you’re on your own.”

  “Roger dat,” Don Guido said as his little black beady eyes went wide with fear.

  Reaching back into the sink, I placed my hand on the dummy’s head and kept my eyes open. The lobster had made an excellent point. I wanted the balls to go back in the correct general area. I planned on doing this once and only once. I hoped it wouldn’t be excruciating for the little dude, but I hoped it would hurt enough to make him remember not to get into a situation like this again any time soon.

  “Wow,” I whispered as I realized with just a touch, I could feel all of his maladies. Don Guido’s balls were gone, but he also had an enlarged heart and his crusher claw was coming detached. The old fart was a freakin’ mess.

  “Hang on, buddy, I’m gonna fix you up like new,” I promised my little friend.

  Only for a single moment did I wonder how to do it. And then I simply knew. It wasn’t hard and it wasn’t really complicated. All I needed to do was send my magic to the places that needed care. Easy peasy.

  Or not…

  “Shite,” I bellowed at the top of my lungs as I felt a massive tingle to my heart, my nads and my left hand. It was like a hundred octopuses were tickling me against my will. Weird. “What the fuck was that?”

  Hopping around Pirate Sven’s kitchen while laughing like a drunken sailor, I tried to walk off the bizarre side effect. Slowly the phantom tickling dissipated, but now I was seriously worried. Bright blue smoke rose from the sink and the sound of Don Guido’s anguished moans filled my ears.

  “Check the lobster,” I instructed Pirate Sven harshly. I was terrified I’d killed my friend if the lingering tickle in my nards was anything to go by. I just couldn’t look.

  “I’m good,” Don Guido choked out, waving his claws to clear the smoke.

  His little head peeked up over the edge of the sink and I heaved a huge sigh of relief.

  “You’re really okay?” I asked.

  “Feel like a million bucks. What did youse do?”

  “I fixed your nards, your heart and your claw. You were a fucking tragedy waiting to happen, dude.”

  “What was youse laughing about?”

  “Weirdest thing,” I said. “Healing tickles like a motherfucker.”

  Don Guido stared at me in awe. Two big fat tears rolled down his shell and he bowed to me like I was some sort of god. I supposed he was a real man because he could cry…

  “Youse is my hero, Keith. I will be delivering a shit-ton of pearls to you shortly. And just in case youse changed your mind, the offer to take Vito is still on the table.”

  “You can keep Vito,” I said with a grin. “Just stay out of trouble.”

  Picking the lobster up out of the sink, I gently placed him on the floor and opened the front door. Pirate Sven just as carefully removed the rest of Don Guido’s family from the bucket and all of the lobsters scampered out of the house.

  “Well, Tar Stain, looks like ye was successful,” Pirate Sven said with a chuckle as he handed me a fresh bowl of hummus from the fridge and a huge bag of the homemade kale chips.

  “Kurt’s never going to believe this shite,” I said with a grin as I dug into the chips and hummus. “Fucking unreal. Tickled like a motherhumper.”

  “Keith,” Kurt screamed as he fell through the front door of Pirate Sven’s house and dropped our dirty laundry everywhere. “On the beach. I think she’s dead. So pretty and so dead.”

  “What in Poseidon’s fat ass are you talking about,” I shouted back, getting a very sick feeling in my stomach. “Who’s dead?”

  “The Mermaid. The one who tried to remove your dong. The one you talk about in your sleep all the time—Ariel,” he said trying to catch his breath. “She laying on the beach and I think she’s dead.”

  “How do you know its Ariel?” I asked, getting panicky.

  “It’s the same girl in the picture you keep hidden under your mattress, booger tank.”

  “What the hell are you doing looking under my mattress, rectum fan?”

  “Is that important right now, Tar Stain?” Pirate Sven inquired. “There’s a dead Mermaid on the beach and yarr two eejits are gonna stand here and call each other boogers and rectums?”

  The Crab made an excellent observation. Was Ariel dead?

  My entire world tilted on its axis for a brief moment and I wanted to destroy something. Was Kurt insane? Wait. Did I really talk about Ariel in my sleep? Was my brother so hungry he was seeing things? Was Ariel really on the beach? All of a sudden tomorrow didn’t appeal if Ariel wasn’t in this world anymore. I didn’t even care if she’d come to lop my Johnson off. As long as she was okay, I would be fine and I was a fast runner. I could dodge a sword aimed at my jewels any day of the week.

  “Get out of my way,” I roared, shoving Pirate Sven and Kurt to the side as I tore out of the house.

  If Ariel was on my beach I needed to save her. I had no clue if my fucking gift could save Mermaids, but that gorgeous blue haired Mermaid was mine—violent Johnson lopping tendencies and all.

  11

  Ariel

  My body felt like it had gone through a tsunami. My limbs wouldn’t move and my eyes refused to open. Was I dead? It felt like granules of sand beneath my broken body, but I couldn’t be sure. What the heck had happened to me? I had to be dead. Was I in Heaven? It certainly smelled delicious—all citrusy and floral.

  The last thing I could recall was sitting in the ocean and staring at the stars. And then…

  No way.

  There was no way in Poseidon’s Salty Seven Seas that the Selkie legend had worked. Keith was not my true love. Heck, he was probably terrified of me. I’d tried to remove his Johnson. Of course he’d deserved it, but still…

  Whatever. The Selkie legend was bullshit. Kate had to have been screwing with me. I’d just been in the wrong place at the wrong time and got sucked up into the weirdest most violent storm I’d ever come across in all my centuries.

  Dang it, I was supposed to save the day and I’d screwed it all up. Now my sisters and the Mystical Isle were in danger from the Krakens because I got sucked up into a freakin’ tsunami. And worst of all I wasn’t going to ever see the idiot Selkie again. The timing couldn’t have been worse and now I was most likely dead. Crap.

  “NO!” a male voice shouted.

  It sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t be sure as my ears were still ringing.

  Was it Zeus? Or Poseidon? Or…

  “Ariel,” he said as he gently lifted me into his arms and cradled me to his bare chest. “Damn it, are you dead?”

  I tried to answer, but nothing came out. Was I dead? I felt so safe and happy in this man’s arms and he smelled amazing. Did I know him? He certainly seemed to know me.

  “Tar Stain, is the lassie alive?” another voice yelled.

  Tar Stain? My hero’s name is Tar Stain? That was all kinds of wrong. I racked my brain to try to remember if I knew anyone named Tar Stain. It was an awful name for someone as muscular and as good smelling as the man holding me.

  “Grab a towel or something,” Tar Stain growled. “Ariel’s alive. She lost her bikini top and no one can ogle her knockers except me. I’m serious. I will tear your eyes out of your head if you so much as peek at even one of her boobs.”

  “Duuude, chillax your crack,” another voice said. “No one is looking at her tremendous rack.”

  I felt Tar Stain gently cover me in a soft material, but I still couldn’t move or talk.

  “Listen dookie knuckle, if she wasn’t in my arms right now I would kick your ass so hard you’d have to travel the world to find it again,”
Tar Stain snapped.

  Dookie Knuckle laughed at Tar Stain’s threat. These people had some truly bizarre names.

  “Tar Stain, can ye heal her like ye did the lobsters?” the older of the three asked.

  Now that voice sounded a lot like a Pirate.

  “Whoa,” Dookie Knuckle shouted. “What’s going on? You healed a lobster?”

  I felt Tar Stain stiffen and then sigh. “I did. Don Guido’s wife Stella ripped his nards off when she found out about his mistress Carmella. I had to help him.”

  “Me thought one ball was lopped off by Stella and one by Carmella,” the Pirate said.

  “My bad,” Tar Stain amended. “That’s correct. Stella got one nard and Carmella yanked off the other. Thanks.”

  “No problem,” the Pirate said.

  What in the chicken of the sea was Tar Stain talking about? These people were nuts.

  “Wait,” Dookie Knuckle yelled, sounding a bit hysterical. “You told the Pirate that we could talk to sea creatures?”

  “He already knew,” Tar Stain said. “That’s our fucking gift.”

  “Did you tell him we were diagnosed as vegetarians too?” Dookie Knuckle demanded.

  “Nope, but you just did,” Tar Stain snapped. “So he now knows everything. We’re plant eaters and we can commune with fucking fish.”

  “Sweet Poseidon in a panty girdle,” Dookie Knuckle bellowed. “Talking to sea creatures is our gift? That sucks hairy donkey balls.”

  “That’s what I thought too,” Tar Stain said. “But not only can we talk to the freaks, we can heal them, dude.”

  “For real?” Dookie Knuckle asked, sounding wildly impressed. “So we have jobs now? Freakin’ awesome! Dad will crap his shorts.”

  “Aye,” the Pirate said. “Ye eejits have a special gift and sooner than yarr realize it will be put to the test—an enormous test.”

  “That doesn’t sound good,” Tar Stain muttered as I felt him gently push my wet hair from my face. “She not dead, but I’m not sure what’s wrong. She won’t wake up.”

  “Me thinks ye should kiss the girl,” the Pirate suggested.

  “The girl doesn’t like me,” Tar Stain said. “She tried to lop off my Johnson after the best boink of my life.”

  Oh. My. Sea Horses. It wasn’t someone named Tar Stain. It was Keith. Dang it, I needed to open my eyes.

  “Ye must suck in the sack, boy,” the Pirate said with a laugh.

  He most certainly does not, I shouted inside my head. Why didn’t my mouth work? This was completely biting ass. I could insult and castrate Keith all I wanted to, but I didn’t like it at all when other people were doing it.

  “I kind of asked her if she could cook and do laundry in the middle of it,” Keith admitted sheepishly.

  There was dead silence after this appalling revelation.

  “You’re a butt crunch whistle,” Dookie Knuckle informed Keith.

  I was beginning to speculate that Dookie Knuckle was the infamous Kurt and that I was indeed on Paradise Island, which meant Tar Stain aka Keith was my true freakin’ love. Maybe it would be better to die right now. My taste in a true love was apparently completely farked up.

  But I couldn’t die. I had to save my sisters, my friends and my island.

  “Ye need to kiss the girl, eejit,” the Pirate repeated. “Try it.”

  “What if it wakes her up and she tries to kill me?” Keith asked.

  It was a fine point. However, there was no time to kill him. I needed him to whisper to the Krakens so we could avoid being wiped off the map of the Bermuda Triangle. There would be plenty of time to kill him after that.

  “Well, seems to me that’s a chance ye will have to take,” the Pirate told him.

  “What would Aquaman do?” Kurt asked. “I think you know, assnugget blaster.”

  “Aquaman—specifically Jason Momoa—would kiss the girl,” Keith yelled.

  “Damn right!” Kurt echoed the shout. “Do it, grizzly sphincter twig.”

  I could feel Keith’s delicious breath on my cheek and my limp and useless body tingled with delight as his lips drew closer to mine. NO. He couldn’t kiss me. If he did, he would be bewitched. I mean, that sounded kind of good, but really bad at the same time. If the seven tear thing was accurate he was my true love. That didn’t mean I was his true love… did it?

  I wanted my true love to love me because he wanted to, not because he fell under a Mermaid’s spell. With all my might I pulled on my ancient magic and will myself conscious.

  My body jerked and my eyes popped open. I met the bright blue lust filled gaze of the idiot I was hopefully destined to be with right before his lips touched mine. He was gorgeous and ripped within an inch of his life. The stars lit the sky and their glow bounced off of his blond hair making him look like an angel. Why did the butthole have to be so beautiful? And why did he have dimples? I loved dimples.

  “You’re a nard,” I choked out.

  “Thank you,” Keith said with a laugh.

  “I don’t think the Mermaid was giving ye a compliment,” the Pirate said.

  “Don’t care,” Keith replied still staring at me. “She’s alive. She can call me anything she wants.”

  “Bring her to me cottage. The lassie needs to eat and rest,” the Pirate instructed as he began to walk up the beach.

  “You gonna introduce me, buttbrain?” Kurt asked Keith with a huge grin on his handsome face.

  He looked a lot like Keith, but he was a bit smaller. They were both stupidly beautiful, but my heart only fluttered for the idiot who held my tight in his strong arms.

  “She mine. You can’t have her. You can’t look at her. If you do I will cut the crotches out of every single pair of surf shorts you own,” Keith informed his brother.

  “Hi, I’m Kurt,” Kurt said, rolling his eyes at his brother. “Keith is a caveman. If you need saving let me know. If I catch him from behind I can do some major damage.”

  “I’m Ariel,” I said with a giggle as I shook Kurt’s outstretched hand. “However, I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. Kicking Keith’s ass is on the top of my to-do list. But the offer is appreciated.”

  Kurt laughed. Keith growled. I just rolled my eyes and laid my head on Keith’s chest, which seemed to calm him greatly. I was an idiot to take comfort from him. He had a mouth like a ten year old boy and a maturity level to match. But I was exhausted and extremely sore. In this moment in time, leaning on him felt perfect. I was sure something would go wrong very soon, but right now it was blissful.

  *

  “Oh my Chicken of the Sea,” I said with a mouth full. “These are the best kale chips I’ve had in my entire life, Pirate Sven. You are a true master!”

  “Thank ye” Pirate Sven said with an adorable blush on his harsh face. “Are ye feeling more yerself now, little Mermaid?”

  “I am,” I replied with a smile. And I really was. Thankfully, mermaids healed quickly— most immortals did. “Your home is lovely and your hospitality is wonderful.”

  Pirate Sven blushed again. However, Keith growled.

  It was all kinds of sexy and ridiculous—not that I had time to notice that. I was here on a mission and it wasn’t to get laid. I needed to get the lay of the land and situation and then convince Keith and Kurt to help me.

  The Pirate Crab’s house was so freaking cute and neat, I fell in love with it immediately. I’d bet his Pirate ship was equally as charming. It was odd that such a rough looking man was so tidy, but many things were odd on Paradise Island.

  “I’m learning how to make those kale chips,” Keith chimed in loudly.

  Case in point… Keith was learning to cook?

  Kurt’s eyes grew wide and he laughed so hard he fell out of his chair. Of course this led to Keith diving on top of Kurt and all hell broke loose. Pirate Sven separated them with his pincher hands and threw them to separate sides of the room.

  “Yer learning to cook, Tar Stain?” Pirate Sven inquired with a grin and a raised br
ow.

  “Yesssssss,” Keith hissed, giving Kurt the finger. “Don’t you teach that cooking shite in Pirate Sven School?”

  “Aye,” the Pirate said. “It’s the first cooking lesson. After ye learn how to wash yer own dirty grundies.”

  “You see, Ariel?” Keith said, puffing out his muscular chest and clearly trying to impress. “I’m becoming a real man. I haven’t cried yet, but I’m going to cut back on trimming shrubs into penises and I’m going to refrain from toilet papering people’s yards before monsoons.”

  I bit back my grin with effort. He was an idiot, but I was pretty sure he was my idiot and I was strangely happy about that. Note to self… make that therapy appointment.

  “Can I ask ye a question, little Mermaid?” Pirate Sven inquired, placing a beautifully arranged cheese and fruit tray in front of me.

  “Sure.”

  “How did ye get to Paradise Island? It’s not an easy place to find—at all.”

  All of a sudden three sets of curious male eyes were on me. Should I come clean now? Or later?

  Later. Definitely later.

  Or maybe never.

  I promised Kate I wouldn’t reveal her and Kenny’s whereabouts. I’d be breaking my word if I even mentioned them. Crap. And I certainly wasn’t going to share that I’d cried seven dumbass tears into the ocean and got caught up in a love tsunami of my own making.

  As I picked up a grape and popped it in my mouth, I wanted to cry. What if Keith was my true love and I really wasn’t his? I should have asked Kate the particulars on the seven tear drop thing. Now I was sure I couldn’t share the way I’d gotten here.

  “Umm… I swam here,” I kind of lied.

  “Impossible. Are you serious?” Keith asked, shocked.

  “Nope, I’m Ariel,” I replied taking a page from Pirate Doug’s book. “And it doesn’t matter how I got here. It matters why I’m here.” Changing the subject was necessary. Tackling Keith to the ground and telling him he was my true love in front of his brother and a Pirate Crab with pinchers for hands could end in tragic embarrassment.

  “You came to remove Keith’s Johnson?” Kurt asked with a grin.