A Sadness Within

by Sara Fiorenzo

  The breeze stirred the leaves on the trees as he walked me out to the parking lot. Our arms brushed against each other and a shiver went down my spine. I pulled my jacket tighter around me, attributing it to the weather and not to the energy he seemed to carry with him. I walked a little faster. There was only one car in the parking lot, making me wonder how Will had gotten here. I turned to offer him a ride home and almost ran into him. We were standing so close; I could barely get any words out.

  “Do you need a ride home?” I stammered. “I just live right down the road from you.” He was standing close enough that I should feel his breath, but all I could feel was a cool rhythmic breeze on my skin. It was hard to admit that I didn’t really want our evening together to end.

  He looked surprised at my question at first, but then a smile crept across his face.

  “That would be nice, if you don’t mind.” He stepped away from me, as if he was suddenly aware of our proximity, but his stormy eyes stayed locked on mine.

  An owl called out into the night air, startling me. The car was still a little ways away, and I briskly walked to it, fumbling with my keys at the door. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was usually so much more together than this. I was acting like a stupid school girl with a crush! Pull it together, I murmured under my breath. Try not to act like a total idiot!

  Once in an enclosed area, the energy between us seemed to intensify and I could feel my heart beating. It was so loud, I was sure that he could hear it. He sat still next to me, and I wondered if he was feeling the same way I was. Finally, the nearness of him in the car and my nerves got the best of me, and I just started prattling, unable to stand the silence.

  “So are you home for a while?” Dumb question. He would be here at least 3 months if he was going to help me out.

  “Yes, although I’m not sure for how long. I mean, I don’t know how long I will stay after we finish the play.” His response seemed measured and cautious.

  “Where were you before?” I continued. “I mean, where do you usually live?

  “Chicago. I uh, used to go to school there.” Yes. Definitely a hesitation. There was more to that response and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was hiding. A reminder that I shouldn’t be too eager to let him in. “I was going to grad school, but I decided to take some time off.”

  “Was it not what you thought it should be?” His answer had seemed too calculated.

  “That and I just started to miss home.” He let out a long sigh and seemed to relax a little. “It had been a long time since I’d been home. Plus, it’s a big house for my father to take care of. And my sister and I have always been very close.”

  The energy in the car began to dissipate a little, making it easier for me to talk. I just wish I didn’t feel so tongue tied around him. He shifted a little in the seat and looked out the window, making it easier for me to continue with the small talk.

  “Yes, Celia is a wonderful student. She’s in one of my English classes. Your father must be very proud of her.” Suddenly, I realized that he must be around my age, yet I don’t remember seeing him in school. “Where did you graduate from high school?”

  “I went to high school in a small town in Massachusetts. We lived there before my father and sister moved here.” The more I tried to decode him, the more the enigma kept growing.

  “Where is your mother, if you don’t mind my asking?”

  “She died a long time ago.” His voice was cold and his tone was even. I shivered a little and decided not to push the topic anymore. I could see it was not a conversation that he wanted to continue.

  “Oh. I’m sorry.”

  We pulled into the subdivision. The ride was too short. My eyes were drawn to a solitary light on at his house. Before I could turn down the driveway, he interrupted me.

  “You don’t have to drop me off at my house. I can walk from yours.”

  “Are you sure? It’s no trouble?” I slowed the car, preparing to head down the dark driveway.

  “No, the driveway is hard to see at night. Besides, it’s a pleasant walk.”

  “Okay.” I turned into my driveway instead and turned the car off. He unfolded himself from the front seat.

  “Goodbye, and thank you for the ride,” he said from over the top of my car. Even in the dark, I could see his grey eyes clearly.

  “It’s not a problem.” I bit my lip nervously. “You know, I can give you a ride home again, if you need it.” The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them.

  “That would be great.” He flashed a smile at me. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night.” Within seconds, he disappeared into the night.

  I stood on the front porch for a few moments, staring out into the darkness after him. At least I didn’t freeze this time. I had actually managed to hold an intelligent conversation with him. Well, I think it sounded intelligent. Not only that, we would be working together every night. Nothing could stop the smile from erupting on my face. If I didn’t watch it, I could find myself falling for this boy. I did know one thing. I couldn’t wait until tomorrow night.

  Winter was just around the corner, and the air had a chill to it when I got up for my morning run, but it only energized me. My mind was clouded with thoughts of Will and the auditions last night. There was definitely something about him. He intrigued me. When he smiled, part of me wanted to run and part of me wanted to melt into his arms. I shivered at the thought of seeing him again, and picked up my pace a little, letting my muscles stretch and warm in the morning air.

  It didn’t take long for me to run three miles and before I knew it, I was home. My body felt good, but my head wasn’t any clearer. What was I doing thinking about him all the time! I just met him. If I really thought about it, the whole situation was strange. I mean, he was polite, too polite. And the way he moved. It was as if he never made a sound. He was just there. Plus, he was the brother of one of my students. It was just too weird. I needed to forget about him in that way. It would be good to have the help with the play, but I needed to keep reminding myself that within a matter of months, he could be gone. I couldn’t afford to let myself get involved.

  I was early getting to school, as usual. A few staff cars took their regular places in the parking lot and the few zero-hour students had already begun to filter in. I posted the call back list, locked my door, and went and hid in the teacher’s lounge. I was not in the mood for a bunch of whiny students wanting to know why they didn’t get a call back. My head was too busy for that. It was best to stay away until the bell rang.

  “Hey, Jules. How did auditions go last night?” Kara sauntered into the room, looking bright-eyed and bushy tailed as usual. I sat at the table playing with my cup of tea.

  “They were great.” I hesitated, not sure whether or not to add the next part. She grabbed a mug from the cupboard and poured herself a steaming cup of coffee. After topping it off with what must have been ½ a cup of sugar, she took a sip only to make a face, put the cup down, and add more sugar. When she was finally satisfied, she took a seat across from me.

  “Ah, John found me an assistant director,” I started again and put my cup to my lips so that she wouldn’t see me smile.

  “Really, and who might that be?” She set her mug down, her eyes full of anticipation.

  “Will Bradley.” She raised an eyebrow at me, signaling me to go on. “I guess he’s pretty good at Shakespeare. Honestly, I don’t think that John wanted me alone in the building at night, so he asked the first available male to help. It’s okay, I think it will work out. I mean he seems knowledgeable.” I sounded like an idiot trying to justify Will helping me and ended up rambling on.

  “Will Bradley? That’s the guy, isn’t it? The guy you hinted at the other night.” She practically shouted his name.

  “Shhhh! Keep your voice down. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.” I looked around frantically to see who might have overheard. “And don’t forget, his sister could be roaming these halls at any mi
nute!”

  “Sorry, I just got a little carried away thinking about the prospect of a boy for you. I mean, how could you not be excited?” Kara brought her voice back down to a conversational tone, but the mischievous twinkle was still in her eye. Nothing got her going like good ‘boy drama.’

  “I am, I think. I… It’s just that I don’t really know. I can’t figure him out. He just doesn’t seem like a normal guy. He doesn’t bombard me with too many questions and he doesn’t know about my past. And I need to focus on the play, not some guy. Besides, he will probably leave after the show anyway.” And it was just too soon for me to let someone in.

  “Would it be a bad thing if he did know? About your past, I mean?” she stated mater-of-factly.

  “Well, no. It’s just easier to not be judged and looked at as that girl. I am so tired of everyone in this town looking at me like I’m a leper, just because of my brother and parents. I just want people to recognize me for me, you know?” I shoved the chair out roughly and walked away, staring absentmindedly at the wall.

  “I’m sorry. I hope I’ve never done that to you.”

  “No, it’s not you. You are the only one who doesn’t treat me that way.” Kara sighed, and I heard her get up and walk over to me.

  “You know I just want you to be happy,” she said squeezing my shoulders. I shrugged and smiled.

  The bell rang, warning us that we had better get back to our classrooms. We got up and walked out the door, parting when we got to our rooms.

  “See you at lunch?” I called after her.

  “Definitely, but maybe we should eat in my classroom today. I don’t want to deal with school gossip once those kids see the cast list,” she answered pointing to the brightly colored sheet of paper taped to my door.

  “Alright, class. Don’t forget to hand in your compare/contrast essay before you leave.” I sighed when I thought the last student had left my class, so I was startled to hear a voice.

  “Miss Cavallo?” Celia was standing near my desk. I hadn’t heard her come up. She was stealthy just like Will. Very strange. I pushed the comparison from my head.

  “Oh hi, Celia. I didn’t see you there. What can I do for you?”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you like that. I just wanted to see if you were okay. You seemed distracted today.” A corner of her mouth turned up slightly, but her eyes were unreadable.

  Crap. Had I let on to the students that things were off in my life? Panic crossed my face. Did Will say something about me? Could Celia tell how I felt?

  “Oh thanks. I’m just a little tired, you know with auditions last night. I have to remind myself that it’s going to be a couple of long months.” I smiled meekly at her.

  “Yeah, my brother told me about them. He is really excited to be helping you with the play.” She paused, a smile on her lips. “Okay, well, have a nice night.” Her smile turned into a smirk. Clearly, she had been talking to her brother. And what did she mean by that? He was excited about the play or excited to be with me? I don’t know. I was so confused. Seeing her in my class didn’t help. The way she always looked at me. It was like she was trying to read me. I needed to stop thinking so deeply into this!

  Tonight couldn’t come soon enough, and I found it hard to pass the few hours in between school and the rest of the auditions. Reading papers for an hour managed to occupy my mind and my time, but I decided to go home and grab some dinner instead of sitting here trying to waste time. The wind had picked up a little and the grey and fluffy clouds warned of snow. I wrapped my jacket tightly around myself as I walked outside. As I was unlocking my car, I suddenly had the feeling of being watched. I turned, expecting to find someone. Nothing. I looked around nervously and scanned the parking lot. There were a few cars left. Anyone could be hiding behind one and I certainly didn’t want to find out whom. My imagination could be pretty wild if I wasn’t careful.

  Once in the car, I locked the doors and sped away, not wanting to look in my rear view mirror to see if anyone truly was there. As a pulled into my driveway, a body stood up from the front porch and I froze. Tentatively, I inched my car closer, and then my heart skipped a beat. It was Will.

  I tried to act nonchalant when I got out of the car. I hoped that my emotions were not written all over my face.

  “Hi, Will. I hope you haven’t been here for long. I would have come back sooner.” Hell, I’d have jumped in my car immediately if I had known he was here!

  “I’m sorry that I’m here waiting for you, but I don’t know how to get a hold of you. Could I get a ride with you to rehearsal tonight?” His grey eyes deepened and bore right into mine.

  “Oh sure. No problem,” I replied nervously, fiddling with my hair.

  “Thanks, I don’t have a car, living in a big city, and I don’t want to have someone keep dropping me off.” I watched his long fingers play with the zipper on his jacket, mesmerized.

  Realizing I was staring, I reached down to get my bags out of the car. He met me in the walkway and reached to take them from me. I always took way too much home from school with the intention of doing work, but somehow, nothing ever got done. He followed me to the front door. I unlocked it and stepped inside. I was a few feet inside when I noticed that he didn’t immediately follow me. A true gentleman. I guess it was rude of me to assume he would just walk in like that.

  “Do you want to come in?” I asked.

  He looked around nervously as if he were unsure.

  “Oh. Sure. I guess that I’m sort of old-fashioned. I didn’t know if you wanted me to come in.” The last part came out hesitantly, like he was covering something up. He walked to the table and set my bag down.

  “I was just about to get something to eat quickly. Can I get you something?” I began to pull some semblance of a dinner out of the cupboard.

  “No, that’s okay. Actually, I think I will just run home quick and get my things.”

  “My cooking is not that bad,” I tried to joke, and a smile broke out on his face. How quickly I had become comfortable with him.

  “No, it’s not your cooking. I just have a few things I want to get done before we have to go tonight.” He walked toward the door, and I followed shyly, hoping that he would change his mind. “I will be back over here in 45 minutes.”

  “Okay, great.” I replied as he stepped out. After waiting a moment, I slowly shut the door, then peeked out the window to watch him leave, but he was already gone. It was like he had vanished into thin air. I must have waited longer than I thought and he must have jogged home. Yeah, that would explain things. But, somehow, it didn’t. That was the thing about Will. I felt that there was so much left unexplained.

  “Thank you all for coming tonight.” I glanced quickly at Will sitting next to me. “Mr. Bradley and I think that we will have an excellent play and can’t wait to begin work. Final casting will be posted on the door outside my room tomorrow.” The quiet auditorium erupted with students talking as they left. Most of the girls eyed Will, taking in his good looks and forgetting he was out of high school. I rolled my eyes toward him as he smiled back at them.

  “They are too young for you, you know,” I chided, careful to not let him see my own jealous expression. I had spent years building up a tough exterior so as to not let anyone see what I was really feeling. I hoped that Will wasn’t able to see through it.

  “What are you jealous?”

  So much for that. He laughed, flashing that killer smile at me again and I tried not to melt. I smiled back, admitting to myself that his presence was growing on me. There was definitely something about him that was drawing me in. The more time I spent with him, the less skeptical I became. I began to gather all of my papers and shove them in my bag. It gave me an excuse to not look at him, something that I couldn’t seem to stop doing.

  “No, I just think it’s funny that all the girls look at you that way.”

  “Look at me what way?” he asked innocently. I turned to glare at him. He stood with his arm
s crossed, the muscle in his jaw flexing as he clamped down a smirk on his face, and a few tendrils of dark hair lay across his forehead.

  Looking at you the way I am probably looking you, I said to myself. Our eyes locked for a moment and I felt a fire spread through my cheeks. I turned away still aware of his gaze, unable to answer him.

  “Okay, let’s get things cleaned up around here and get going. I’m ready for a hot shower and then bed.” We cleaned up in silence for a few minutes, but I was constantly aware of his presence. There was more to it than that. Will had been a tremendous help to me over the last day or so. He really was knowledgeable when it came to Shakespeare. He gave the kids lots of hints on their auditions. He may not know a lot about theater, but he certainly understood the play’s meaning.

  “So why did you become an English teacher?” He finally broke the silence with more questions. I should have been prepared, considering that I had been asking him questions myself. It was only fair.

  “Well, my grandmother was a teacher and I really admired her. And I always loved to read and write. It seemed to make sense that I should be an English teacher. I guess it’s what I always wanted to do.”

  “Do you like teaching high school?” He was walking through the aisles, picking up any trash on the ground. I couldn’t help but look at his backside when he bent down.

  “Yes, I do. I like dealing with the older students. Although, I don’t really feel that much older than them, since this is my first year. And I don’t think I could work with elementary. They are too moldable. I might corrupt them.” He laughed at my response. “What about you. What were you studying in Chicago? Or did you finish college?”

  “I started out studying medicine, but I don’t think that’s for me. That’s part of the reason I came home. I don’t think I want to do that anymore.” He looked up at me with blazing eyes. “In fact, I’m not sure what I want anymore.”

  Surely, he wasn’t talking about school anymore. My cheeks flushed again at the thought.