A Sadness Within

by Sara Fiorenzo

  This morning, I had risen early, while the house was still shrouded in darkness. Sleep had been elusive as I tossed and turned most of the night. I remembered kissing Julia and felt the ache again, I had needed to see her. I had needed to gage her reaction and waited as long as I could before knocking on her door. She was everything I had remembered as she stood in her pajamas at the door and within minutes, she was tucked in tight behind me on my motorcycle, as we drove to the beach.

  My thoughts were a whirlwind, as I again tried to tell her about me and about what I really was, but I just wasn’t ready. I hadn’t wanted to leave her after returning from the beach, but I was afraid. I was afraid of these new human emotions that were awakening in me. They were strong, and I didn’t want to scare her. There was still something so fragile and vulnerable about Julia. I knew that she didn’t fully trust me yet, and honestly, she shouldn’t. There were things I hadn’t told her about myself. I didn’t know how she would react when I did tell her. I wanted her to not be afraid, to say that what or who I was didn’t really matter.

  And now, here I was trying to figure out what to do with these new pieces of my life. I peered around the curtain toward her house. I could barely see the light of her porch glowing faintly through the trees; a beacon for my heart.

  “How was your date with Julia?” The early morning light seeped through my window as Celia barged into my room with her questions. So much for sleeping in.

  “Fine,” I mumbled, rolling over and burying my face in the pillow. I didn’t really want to talk to her right now. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

  “Did you tell her? How did it go?”

  “Mmm,” I replied.

  “Come on, Will. Spill.”

  I sighed loudly, turning back to her. She wasn’t going to let me sleep. This much was evident.

  “Celia, I just couldn’t do it. Okay? I don’t want to scare her off. It’s just too soon.” It was hard to hide my ire. Being woken up early and pestered about my love life made me agitated. I tried to calm myself before continuing. “I’m sorry, Celia, I don’t really want to talk right now. I’m feeling kind of off. Please understand. We can talk later.”

  I tried to make my tone sound as normal as possible, but it was a struggle. Her eyes glared into mine, trying to find answers. I couldn’t hold her stare for long before I turned my attention back in the direction of the light I had seen in the distance last night. Fortunately, this seemed to be the sign she needed to understand that I was serious about wanting space.

  “Oh alright, I guess I will just leave you alone.” She turned to walk out the door, but stopped to look over her shoulder briefly. “For now.”

  The door clicked softly behind her, and my thoughts began to wander to Julia again. I didn’t think I was going to be able to see her today because she had some things to do. I didn’t want to come across as too overbearing. Instead, I had to wander around and occupy my time.

  It was still warm late in the afternoon, so I found myself driving back to the beach. It was strangely calm on the lake, and I was easily able to walk out to the end of the pier. Once I was surrounded by water on three sides, I could feel the tension leave. This wasn’t going to be as hard as I thought. I was doing it. I had fallen in love and was changing, and while these new emotion were new and confusing, I knew this is what I wanted. My father and sister had been right. Julia was all that I needed now.

  I would need to take one more trip to Chicago, to get my things. I would need to tell Chris I was moving back here. Back home. Break all ties. I could get a real job and maybe even go to college. I could be with Julia. I wouldn’t allow myself to think beyond that, but it was enough hope to get me through.

  The sun began to fall from the cloudless sky. It met the lake in a flash of brilliant color and soon it was growing dark. Content for the first time in what felt like years, I turned to go, happy with my decision, happy with the new direction my life was taking.

  The house was quiet again when I returned. My sister and father both off doing their own thing. I found it odd at first, but then realized that maybe they both were giving me the space I wanted. I paced back and forth in the living room, anxious once more. I took in the pictures and artifacts scattered throughout the room and actually found them comforting. I grabbed a glass paperweight from the table and rolled it around in my hand. The petals of a brilliant purple zinnia were preserved inside. Paperweights had been a favorite of my mother. She collected them for their beauty and simplicity. I set the zinnia down and picked up another one. The glass was cold and smooth. I rolled it over in my hand just like I had the other one and felt closer to my mother than I had in many years.

  No matter how I tried to distract myself, my eyes continued to settle out the window in the direction of the farmhouse down the street. Again, there was a light on, signaling that Julia would be home. Should I casually stop by to see her? My heart leapt at the thought, when the grandfather clock chimed the hour, reminding me just how late it was. It didn’t matter. I needed to see her. I felt that right now, it was essential to my existence. With one last glance toward the light, I made my decision and rushed out the door.

  The streetlamps hummed and flickered, leaving gray shadows on the street. I slowed as I neared her house because I could hear her music. I stayed hidden behind the tree, peering carefully through the window; I saw her sitting as she played a song. Suddenly, she stopped, and a look of pain shot across her face. Then, just as quickly, it was gone, and a new melody was coming from her slender fingers. At this moment, I needed her more than anything in the world. Even more than the blood I needed to survive. I couldn’t take my eyes away from the scene before me, completely pulled into the melody coming from the instrument beneath her. It was haunting. Her body swayed with the tune, waves of auburn hair swirling about her shoulders. Her music seemed to find its way into me, filling the holes. I wanted nothing more than to make my presence known, to sweep her up and carry her away.

  I knocked lightly on the door and listened, as her footsteps treaded toward me.

  “Hey.” Julia smiled brightly. “Is everything okay?”

  “Not really. I’m sorry, I should have called. I just wanted to see you.” I hesitated.

  “That’s okay, please come in,” I stepped into her house, and she stepped into my arms.

  “I heard you playing and… I missed you today,” I whispered into her ear as I buried my face into her hair. “Will you play for me?

  She turned her face toward mine, her lips parted and then we were kissing. She tasted so good and I melted into her. We both pulled away, a bit breathless.

  “Of course,” she said against my lips. I kissed the tip of her nose and smiled. “Come on.”

  Julia smiled back and grabbed my hand, leading me over to the piano; her eyes never leaving mine. She slide down onto the bench gracefully and began to play. I stood behind her, my hands resting on her shoulders, and the music she played became a part of my soul, making me feel whole.

  Daytime was becoming harder and harder, since I couldn’t be with her. She was at school all day and it wasn’t exactly somewhere I could be with her discreetly. I tried reading but couldn’t concentrate. Walking down to the beach was a daily distraction and was becoming increasingly boring. I even tried my hand gardening with my father, but nothing could leave me feeling truly content, other than being with her. Finally, I could wait no longer, so I decided to head over to the school early.

  She was still in her classroom sitting at her desk. There were very few students left in the building; it was easy to show up unnoticed. I stood at her doorway watching the way she gripped the pen she was holding in one hand, while biting the cap. Her other hand was running though her hair, twisting it in concentration.

  “Knock, knock.” I tapped the door lightly, trying not to startle her, but she still jumped as she looked up. “I wish my English teacher had looked that hot while grading papers,” I joked.

  “Oh, hi.” Her face broke i
nto a smile. “I didn’t expect you for another hour.”

  “I couldn’t stay away any longer.” I bent over slightly and kissed the top of her head. She looked anxiously at the door and I realized that I may have been a little too forward. “I’m sorry, I guess I shouldn’t do that at school.”

  “No, it’s okay but maybe we should keep this kind of quiet here.”

  “I guess you’re right.” I moved away from her and sat on the edge of the desk so that I could look at her.

  “I just have to finish correcting this paper and then we can head to the auditorium if you want.” She tapped her red pen against the paper in front of her.

  “Take your time.” I nodded and looked around her room giving her time to work. I glanced through the titles on her shelves. Mostly weathered, dog-eared classics like Frankenstein, Great Expectations, and Pride and Prejudice. I sat in a desk near the back of the room and pretended to thumb through a book so I could watch her. She had an intense look of concentration and was still biting her pen cap. Her body was entirely still while she read. And again, I thought she was absolutely beautiful. How could it be that she wanted to be with me? Her melody began to play in my head, and I began to think about all that has happened to me in the last month. The monster from Chicago seemed so far away. A month ago, I never would have guessed that I would be able to sit so near someone like this, with thoughts other than those of death. She had completely changed me.

  “Ready?” she had finished sometime during my daydream and was standing up ready to go.

  “Ready when you are.”

  I grabbed her bag from her so that I could keep my hands occupied, and we began to walk toward the auditorium.

  “How was your day?” I casually asked. My free hand was itching to grab hers, but I wanted to be respectful of her wishes. I switched her bag to my other shoulder and jammed my other hand into my pocket.

  “It was long. The kids had an essay due in Senior English and most of them didn’t turn it in. I get to hear all of their excuses, while they beg me to accept it late. It makes for a tiring day. I mean, I really don’t understand why they can’t just do it!” Her outrage flushed her cheeks and her eyes flashed momentarily with anger. It made me want to laugh and protect her all at once.

  “I’m sorry. Hopefully, rehearsal will go well tonight.”

  She smiled back at me, the corners of her mouth slightly upturned.

  “Yeah, maybe.”

  “You know what? Let’s take a 20 minute break.”

  Rehearsal was not going well. Julia and I had been working with Rosalind and Orlando for over half an hour on a pivotal scene, and they just weren’t getting it. The kids slowly began to file out of the auditorium, grumbling under their breath.

  “Why is this so hard today?” Julia questioned rhetorically, sinking her face into her hands. I placed my hand on her back in an effort to calm her, happy for the chance to touch her.

  “I don’t know.” I didn’t have a lot of experience with this sort of thing. I didn’t know how to answer her. We sat in silence, not knowing what to say. Finally, Julia jumped up and took a seat at the piano. She started to play and then stopped suddenly and turned to me, her cheeks flushed.

  “I’m sorry,” she apologized, “I just need to play for a minute. It centers me and then I feel like I can think straight.” Of course, I already knew this about her and would never turn down the chance to hear her play.

  She began again, and I sat back and let her music consume me. It was a melancholy tune, perhaps Chopin. I joined her at the piano and leaned on it, remembering the first time we were in this same auditorium and she caught me listening to her play. How odd it was that she had become comfortable with me so quickly.

  I knew the music conveyed how she was feeling, which made me want to help so badly. What could I do to turn this rehearsal around? The students didn’t seem like they were really capturing the love between Rosalind and Orlando.

  “Maybe I could talk to them.” I started, as she began to fade out. “Show them some lines. Perhaps we could act out the scene together to give them a better idea.”

  Her hands paused above the keys, and she cocked her head to the side in thought.

  “I suppose we could try. I’m not sure any of them has actually seen it being performed before, so I guess it might help.” There was hesitation in her voice, but I wasn’t sure if it was because she didn’t want to act out a scene, or that she didn’t want to act out a scene with me.

  “Yes, I think we should show them how. Let’s run through it first, just to make sure we have it down before they come back.”

  She stood up and came to the middle of the stage.

  “Ready?” I asked.

  She nodded and took a place across from me.

  “Fair youth, I would I could make thee believe I love.” I began, delivering the lines of this poignant scene between Orlando and Rosalind in disguise.

  “Me believe it?” Her voice rang against the walls. “You may as soon make her that you love believe it; which, I warrant, she is apter to do than to confess she does. That is one of the points in which women still give the lie to their consciences. But, in good sooth, are you he that hangs the verses on the trees wherein Rosalind is so admired?” Julia delivered the lines perfectly, as if she really were Rosalind.

  “I swear to thee, youth, by the white hand of Rosalind, I am that he, that unfortunate he.”

  “But are you so much in love as your rhymes speak?” Her voice was barely above a whisper, and she had moved close to me. I could feel the heat radiating from her body.

  “Neither rhyme nor reason can express how much.” I answered softly. I reached out and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. It wasn’t Orlando speaking those words, it was me. I did love her. More than anything. I knew that I had to tell her who I was. A love like this could hold no secrets. She needed to know what I was if she was ever to love me back, like this. It pained me because I knew that she would run. She wouldn’t want to be with someone like me. Someone who had killed for the sport, someone who, up until recently, barely cared if they were alive or dead. She didn’t want to love someone like me. She deserved someone much stronger than me. I couldn’t give her what she needed. Yet the selfish part of me was not willing to let someone else have her. I wanted to be the person who could give her what she needs.

  The sound of the students returning to the auditorium broke the mood. They slowed and eyed us cautiously when they saw us standing so close together on the stage. Perhaps they could sense the tension, the love, the fear.

  Julia snapped out of it first.

  “Okay, we had an idea that I think will help you. Will and I are going to act out this scene, to give you an idea of what it looks like. Remember, this is just an interpretation. I just think that you should show more emotion. Orlando is saying these things to Ganymede as if she’s Rosalind. And Rosalind, in disguise, is more freely able to express herself.” She turned to me. “Ready?”

  Yes, in disguise, you could express yourself more freely. Wasn’t that what I was doing? Hiding behind the guise of a normal human man when really, there was a dark past stalking me? Julia’s nudge pulled me out of my inner nightmare and reminded me that we had a task.

  I could only see the students out of the corner of my eye as we went through this scene, only looking at our scripts when necessary. We flowed together, and again, I could feel the love.

  After that, practice went by much quicker. We sat in relative silence next to each other, but I could feel the tension between our bodies. At one point, I touched my finger to the back of her hand, lightly caressing it only to have her jump from the sensation. From then on, I kept my hands to myself.

  Finally, we were alone, walking out together. I grabbed her hand, and she let my fingers curl around it. My awareness of her touch was unlike anything I could remember and no matter how many times I did it, it always felt like the first time. Tiny volts of electricity ran up and down my arm and warmth sl
owly moved through my body. As much as I had been waiting my whole life for this, I couldn’t help but feel how foreign and strange this all was. My fledgling feelings were so intense.

  The car ride home was quiet. I never felt like I had to fill the silence when I was with her. I was just content to be. She started humming a tune, and I pictured her playing it.

  “Julia?” I began, feeling the need to confess as the darkness swirled around me.

  “Hmmm,” she replied lightly, a smile playing across her lips as she continued to hum. Shadows played across her face, while the streetlights gave her a sort of glow. It was like she had an aura around her. And she looked happy. Happier than I had seen her since I had met her. The smile had finally reached her eyes, and they were sparkling. I couldn’t do this to her now. Not here in this dark car. I couldn’t admit my secrets in a place where she would be terrified. I wanted her to see me in the light, where I hoped she wouldn’t run in fear. Not to mention the fact that I was selfish. I was thrilled that I seemed to be the reason for this happiness, and I wanted to surround myself with it.

  “I think rehearsal turned out ok,” I replied back, my confidence fading. No, I would not tell her like this. Maybe I could hint to her and she would figure it out for herself. No, that was cowardly. It needed to come from me.

  We pulled into her driveway, and I walked her to the door. She wrapped her arms around me and I could feel her warmth invade my body again. Her lips found mine and I responded back. I could hold her like this forever.

  “You’re always so cold; you really should wear a coat.” Her observation alarmed me. Maybe she already had her suspicions.

  “I’m okay. I don’t like to wear coats.” I chuckled into her hair trying to keep the mood light. “I suppose I should get home.”

  “You could stay for a while tonight if you want to. I’m not ready to let you go,” she looked at me sheepishly. The hole in my chest ached for her.